Steve Warz: Trilogy 10
by The Compendium of Steve
Summary: This is it: The Big One. The largest trilogy to date by a wiiiiiiide margin! The appearance of a mysterious space mineral and an old foe sets into motion the largest, weirdest, and most bombastic adventure the Jedi and even the whole galaxy has ever witnessed! Just when you think you figured it out... it gets crazier. Here Be Dragons, dear reader. And then some.
1. A Public Service Announcement

**A Public Service Announcement**

(We see Chris in a trench coat standing under a spotlight)

Chris: Hello readers. You may recognize me as General Chris from the Steve Warz Saga. I'm here today to discuss an important matter, starting with a letter sent in by a concerned fan. (Pulls out letter)

"Dear Hack Writer Otherwise Known as Compendium of Steve: I wish to express my ongoing dissatisfaction with the contents and overall quality of your latest trilogies. Simply put, they are too wordy, overwrought with clumsy emotional bibble-babble, and rarely have anything of memorable mention.

"While your earlier trilogies boasted a sincere charm akin to a passion project, that quickly wore off as more trilogies came out and more characters were added to the narrative. Aside from Squishy, Anna and the Contractor, I can barely remember who any of these characters are. But I will say that Copeland is a whiny dog mother's behind, and were he removed from the series entirely the narrative would remain the same. Speaking of narrative, the more serious direction the stories have taken have made them more of a chore to read through. Frankly I found trilogy eight pointless as it was only violence for the sake of violence. Also, the amount of references is utterly egregious.

"Please stop trying to be edgy and focus more on writing original comedy and having the characters actually be characters. Signed: The Only Person Who Reads This [Expletive Deleted]"

(Chris puts away the letter)

Chris: I share your opinion, dear reader, which is why I am here: To voice my own personal grievances to the writer for the drop in quality that has been presented to us. The latest trilogies have indeed become more serious and, therefore, trite. Indeed they are lacking that before-mentioned charm, replaced instead with frivolous references, often to games no one ever plays, as though to validate himself as a "true gamer". Well, gaming and writing are two completely different things which our dear author hasn't quite been able to disentangle.

When the sixth trilogy came around I admit I had hope for a return to form, but that was quickly dashed by the lyric-strung 7th trilogy and that desperate bid to get "real" that was the 8th trilogy. And the 9th trilogy? A final episode bogged down with trials that were wholly optional and therefore superfluous, a flashback sequence that long overstayed its novelty, and everything being resolved with a Naruto opening song. Just what has become of you, man? And while I have this chance to fully speak my mind, I want to bring up the injustices you've done to _my_ character.

Throughout this entire series you've made me a perverted nutjob comic relief. Sure, I was very serious in the 2nd trilogy, but that was soon forgotten after all the other heinous things you've made me do. There were those things I said, the innuendos, and the biggest insult of them all: That scene with the robot monkey. I mean come on: A monkey?! If anything I'm more into raccoons. I don't right appreciate the thought of me butt-raping simians left and right all day long. And the backstory to explain that is plain messed up!

Despite your 90's television approach to censorship you still come off as some sick, perverted individual and a disgrace to literature. Well I say no more! I've had enough with your ways! I got way more talent than you're willing to acknowledge and I'm gonna show it d***it! And when I get my own series, I'm gonna take those censor stars and ram 'em up your hoo-ha! Whatchu got to say to that? Nothing! You've lost the edge, old man! You can't do silly random like you used to. It's time for you to uninstall the word processor and let someone with legit fresh comedic talent take over. What do ya say to that? Huh? HUH? Yeah, that's what I thought. You can't do jack, cuz I'm just too good for this s*** show of a series.

(While he's talking, a pencil tip appears and draws a thermostat. The tip switches the temperature up to high, causing Chris to stop)

Chris: Huh. Seems I worked myself up too much; I'm beginning to feel steamy. I'll just calm down and continue my message in a slow, sophisticated manner.

(The pencil draws heat waves and the place starts to waver with heat. Chris begins sweating and waving his hands over his face)

Chris: Wow is it sweltering. (Pant pant pant) This can't be right. (Pant) What's coming over me? I'm feeling so hot. (Pant pant) Ahh, the heat. It's so itchy. (Pant pant) Oh God it's so hot. Oh criminy is it Hawt! My soul is blazing. These clothes are so constraining! I have to escape this. I must get out! It's getting hotter and hotter! I've got to cut loose; I've got to break free! Ah Baby! I'm on _FIRE!_

(Rips off trench coat to reveal the dress he's wearing, which is Yuna's singer garment from FFX-2. "Real Emotion" from that same game begins playing as Chris busts out some salacious moves and lip synchs like Britney Spears. Private Jennings and Launch Octopus, both wearing spandex, slide in and act as backup dancers while Chris shakes his thing before the surrounding crowd of Mega Man bosses. During the first part, Chris does sexy things like unscrupulously licking ice cream, riding a gas pump and performing in Cirque de Soleil)

Chris: Now _this_ is my kind of random!

(At one point Metal Shark Player flies in on a hover board to play a mean guitar. The platform Chris and his backups are on rises to reveal a giant Duff McWhalan playing drums. Chris and his crew finish up the song and with a great explosion there's clamorous applause and cheers that heralds—

**Steve Warz**

**Trilogy X**


	2. Episode 1

**Steve Warz**

**Episode [Egg]:**

**The Hatching**

_Three years have passed since the Contractor's announcement of becoming a benevolent deity, and nothing of particular interest has happened as a result. Well, unless we're talking astronomy._

_ For several months, meteors had been shooting out from a region of space known as the Dragon Claw Nebula. Research done on the meteorites recovered from impact sites on nearby planets revealed that they possessed a strange, untappable form of energy. These rocks were dubbed Dragonite, and over the months their frequency has increased. While it remains a mystery as to why they keep coming, people pay it no mind as they scramble to collect them, either for scientific purposes or use in fashion and art. Soon, Dragonite became the galaxy's latest hot commodity and could be found on nearly every planet._

_ And where do our Jedi fit in all this? Nowhere, really. After rescuing Squishy from the machinations of "the Master" and his lackey the Accountant, they were stricken with the horrid state of boredom known as peacetime. And since the Contractor no longer posed a sinister threat, there wasn't a chance for a random hostile plot to occur and liven things up. Thus, the Jedi parted and pursued their own interests once more, the Jaa-Ruuk kids (Stan, Sally, and Rick) included._

_ Rick spends his time wandering the back alleys of city planets, keeping to himself while occasionally jumping in to play vigilante when the occasion arises. Sally has begun an insanely successful singing career and is on a massive galactic tour, earning major pop culture status with the release of her hit single "Scaly Back"(on an unrelated note, paraphernalia pertaining to reptilian lifestyles have seen considerable gains). As for Stan, he's kept to more traditional Jedi routines, serving as peacekeeper and ambassador for interspecies relations on various diplomatic assignments, which has the added bonus of letting him travel abroad while also improving his social skills. However, lately something's been nagging him that's making him feel lonesome, and for the life of him he has no idea what._

_ Then there are the original Jedi: Anna and Copeland continue doing random acts of meanness; Jo hangs with Chris and Duff on Mon Calamari; and Squishy and Sylvia continue running _Jawa Home_ with their main man-thing Steezy, with Squishy getting back into the habit of writing of all things. Will and Sara, out of serious boredom, decided to stay on _Jawa Home_ and help around. While Sara provides medical training seminars and has started a highly-competitive bowling league, Will offers marksmanship courses and does maintenance work in the station's various machine shops. Probably a good place to check in, eh?_

(Space, with _Jawa Home_ front and center. Within the corner of one of its hangers is an area filled with assorted parts and machines. Amidst the rubble is Will wearing a welding mask and welding something. Nearby, something lurks through the junk all creepy-like. Switch back to Will, who stops and lifts his mask to see what's out there. Seeing nothing, he resumes his work. The entity stalks closer and closer. Will has put away the welder and is holding a long metal tube. There's a clang somewhere and Will looks around quickly. He chuckles at his jumpiness, then turns back only to have a Jawa head pop out of the tube)

Squishy: Hey Will—

Will: J-Word!

(Falls back dropping tube. Squishy pops out of it completely and Will recovers)

Will: Bajimminy you scared the frak out of me! How'd you even get in there?

Squishy: Heehee, a sneak never reveals his secrets. So what are you working on?

Will: (Getting up) If you must know, it's a little project for one of my classes.

Squishy: Is it? (Squishy holds up tube) Some kind of launcher?

Will: (Will takes tube) A potato gun, actually. We're about to start a course on handling heavy projectiles and this seems like a good starting point.

Squishy: Neat. How about all the ship parts I asked you to fix?

Will: Done. They're in that pile over there.

(Squishy goes over to a nearby junk pile)

Squishy: These are all fixed?

Will: Yessir.

Squishy: Will, these are cobbled together like a spice runner's subspace engine. I know you're a wizard with these things, so why are you holding out on me?

Will: Hard to do it clean and professional when there aren't enough proper components to go around. I've reminded you countless times to restock around here.

Squishy: They're stocked in the central maintenance hub, Will, which has been my response all those previous times.

Will: Then you might also recall, Squish, how I didn't want to walk a mile back and forth for what's essentially volunteer work.

Squishy: Wait a tick... (Holds up a part) Is this a part of my Nintendo?

Will: Uhhhhh...

Squishy: Holy schnikers you dismantled my Nintendo!

Will: You weren't using it, and I needed that cart cover flap thing for a wing stabilizer.

Squishy: Just because I don't play something doesn't mean I'm through with it. It's called rising antiquity value! Rising Antiquity Value!

Will: About as much junk as everything else here is what I say.

Squishy: It's still a... Hold on, what's that? (Squishy goes over to another pile) What's my Xbox doing here?

Will: Paperweight. Gotta keep the schematics down.

(Squishy holds up a green lava lamp)

Squishy: Why is the internal hard drive floating around in this thing?

Will: Thought it would spruce up the place. You know, neo-feng shui.

Squishy: Dude, I still play this Xbox! How could you just gut it like—What the h**l is this!? (Goes over to some freaky toilet thing) You made a toilet out of my Dreamcast?!

Will: You didn't install any bathrooms here, and you have to admit that system was literal junk.

Squishy: What's all this paper on the floor? (Picks up pieces) Is… Was this the novel I've been spending five months working on?

Will: Gotta have TP as well.

(Squishy drops paper and stiffens)

Squishy: … Will, let me ask you something: WHAT IN THE TARNATION ARE YOU THINKING?! How could you just, just do this?! There are BOUNDARIES and ETIQUETTE you have to follow if you expect to work on this station! If it wasn't for my caring, compassionate self your sorry Army-wannabe a** would be out there bored in some slum somewhere baking bread you don't have the yeast for, which you'll never have once I rip your nuts off with my bare hands! Then I'll tape a welder to those nuts and they would make for more respectable workers than you! You go destroying other peoples' personal property, sitting around, putting on headbands, getting high and listening to your godd*** Beatles albums while I'm out there wading through rice paddies bullets flying all over the place, me and Charley slugging it out so you can be a freeloading maniac! Tell me why we didn't push those rice eaters back to the Great Wall of China and NUKE THEIR SORRY SELVES BACK TO THE STONE AGE SAY IT! SAY IIIT!

Will: Holy f***ing crap are you channeling "Back To School", I mean God dern!

Squishy: (Calm) I get pretty emotional when it comes to my game systems and my stories, y'know. Plus that scene with the psycho professor has been on my mind lately. Real hard not to lose yourself in something so memorable, right Rod?

Rodney Dangerfield: Yeah. Real intense guy, but he can get a chuckle like nobody's business.

Will: (Shrug) I guess.

(A phone rings. Squishy reaches over and grabs a phone made from a SNES controller)

Squishy: Yello?

Steezy: Ayyy, Squish-man. Finally got the right place.

Squishy: Yo there, Steeze. Just the guy to end the segment. What's up?

Steezy: End the what? Anyway, dude, listen: Ackbar wants to talk with you. It's a Jedi-only meeting, so you gotta bring Will up to the main conference room pronto.

Squishy: Sure, we'll be there. Thanks for the heads up.

Steezy: No probs. Later.

(Hangs up. Squishy puts away phone)

Squishy: We got a meeting with the Admiral. Jedi only.

Will: Alright, let's hop to it.

(They start leaving, but Squishy gets up in Will's face)

Squishy: Don't think this subject is over, bucko. Not by a long shot!

(They leave. We turn to a large round room with a huge TV screen. Will, Sara, Squishy and Sylvia arrive)

Sara: Hey hon. Things in the shop going well?

Will: Mostly, except Squishy gave me the 9th degree.

Sara: What for?

Squishy: I'll get into that once this is over.

(The screen comes on, showing the Mon Calamarian admiral himself sitting behind a desk)

Will: Greetings, Admiral.

Ackbar: Good to see you once again, Jedi. It seems you're keeping healthy in these calm times.

Sara: Not much else to do but look after ourselves.

Sylvia: Have to say you're looking swell yourself, Admiral.

Ackbar: Bah. An old hand like me has to look after himself if he wants to keep with the tide. I no longer have the luxury to sit idly by with no lasting consequences.

(Chris slides in onscreen)

Chris: Morning, angels.

All: Morning, Chris.

Sylvia: Chris, what's that thing wrapped around your waist?

Chris: Uh, it's a tutu: Completely unrelated to anything. (Rips it off)

Sylvia: Oh.

Sara: How are things, Chris?

Chris: They're pretty dang swimmy, except for Joseph. He just slouches around, so I got rid of his whiny b***h a**.

Ackbar: He's actually on assignment: One that concerns all of you. You may already know that several weeks ago, a particularly large chunk of Dragonite crashed onto the Twi'lek homeworld of Ryloth. Scientists there have just finished excavating it and are ready to transport it to Coruscant for further study. Escorts will be needed for the trip, so you're all to report to the excavation site for the transfer.

Chris: Two Jedi would've been enough for guard detail, buuuut since you guys don't see each other much these days, I've made arrangements for there to be a cookout for all of you at the site.

(Cheers)

Will: Awesome!

Squishy: Free food!

Chris: You fellas had done a lot, so let your home boy Chris spoil you with some military hospitality. The good kind, anyway.

Ackbar: Everybody else has readily accepted, so it'll be quite the get together if you accept as well.

Sylvia: But of course, Admiral.

Squishy: No doubt!

Sara: We're both in!

Ackbar: Excellent. Now make haste to Ryloth at the uploaded coordinates.

Chris: I'll order the grill to be fired up in one hour so you better hurry. Seacrest out!

(Screen turns off)

Sara: You hear that, Will: A BBQ/Get together/Escort mission!

Will: It's been way too long since I had ribs.

Sylvia: And everyone's going to be there, too. It'll be great talking with everyone again, especially the kids.

Squishy: Yeah, it's been a long while. They're off doing their own thing, but parents still gotta check in every once in a while.

Will: So let's get going already, I'm starving here!

(They exit. Out in the hall Steezy greets them)

Steezy: So what was it this time?

Sara: There's a BBQ on Ryloth and we're invited!

Steezy: Alright!

Squishy: You can't come.

Steezy: What?! You're ditching me again? You guys still owe me for coming to the rescue those years ago!

Sylvia: It's a Jedi-only party, brother. We'll do something together when we get back.

Steezy: Oh come on! I'm part of the crew, too!

Squishy: Like she said, once we get back we can do something. We might even wrangle the kids to come visit as well. (They leave)

Steezy: Serious bummer all the same...

(Some time later, we switch to the great barren planet of Ryloth where a storm is raging near one of the massive buttes. The Century Sparrow flies into a makeshift hanger, and awhile later the four Jedi meet some scientists)

Sylvia: Is it always so windy here?

Will: Where's the beef?

Scientist: Just for today, ma'am. And everything's set up at the site, if you will just follow us.

(They follow, entering a large cavern formed by a meteoric impact on the butte's surface. Eventually they reach a spot lit by work torches revealing some picnic tables and grills loaded with various cooking items, with a smaller tunnel leading off deeper into the earth)

Scientist: The Dragonite is being moved out of that tunnel there. While that's being done you can make yourselves comfortable at one of these tables. The food will be prepared shortly, unless you want to help out.

Will: With pleasure!

(Will leaps behind the nearest grill, dons a chef's hat and straps on an apron that reads "Make War Not BLT" and gets cooking.)

Scientist: Splendid. Enjoy yourselves while we ready the specimen.

(Goes into tunnel)

Sara: I wonder where everyone else is.

Anna: Here we are.

(In comes perky and rotund Anna with tall, stoic Cope)

Squishy: Anna, Alex! Good to see ya!

Will: Yo Alex! How's it hanging?

Cope: Moderately peeved.

Anna: He's moping cuz I dragged him from a Star Trek marathon.

Cope: It was my personal off day, woman! And you insisted on turning off the TV in the middle of an episode before I could pause it. I don't do that when it's your TV time.

Anna: Only because you know I would hurt you.

Jo: Is that Alex whining again?

(Jo, the former face of the group, walks in with a fully luscious head of hair!)

Will: Jo!

Anna: Jo my man! Where the heck you been?

Jo: Being fashionably late, on account of getting all the dirt from my hair.

Sara: I see the legendary coiffure is back.

Jo: Heck yeah it is! Not only that, but I had it customized to remain this way no matter what. Observe.

(Grabs lighter fluid, douses hair, and sets it aflame. There's a fire, but the hair remains unaffected)

Jo: I know you're all jealous.

Cope: Nah: That just makes you a flamer.

(Laughs abound)

Will: Ah dip that's a good one!

Anna: You actually got one, Alex! I'm proud of you! (High fives)

Sally: Was that a high five I heard? I want in on that!

(The brown-scaled Jaa-Ruuk twins Stan and Sally walk in)

Stan: I can just give you one, sis. (Proceeds to high five his sister)

Sally: Hyeah!

Sylvia: Kids! So good to see you.

Will: Stan! Sal! How ya doing?

Stan: Hey Mom. Hey Dad. Hey guys.

Sally: Ah man the flight was so booring, but it was nice to get away from those stalkers.

Squishy: HURR!? My daughter has stalkers!?

Sally: Yeah. They started springing up after the Scaly Back video dropped. My security detail's been doing a decent job keeping them back, but still some manage to slip in a little too close.

Squishy: And you're making music videos as well? Why am I only hearing about this now?

Sally: Uhhh, I've told you about a dozen times, Dad.

Sylvia: And I've been reminding you to look it up nearly as many times.

Jo: You know, I actually did see that video a while back. You dance pretty well, Sal.

Sally: Thanks. But I've been getting sketchy fanfics lately about their fantasies with me along with the stalking. There's even some from the Star Trek community, which is really weird.

Stan: Guess that's the price of stardom, sis: Get your weirdoes with the regulars.

Anna: It's sure a lot different then how I remember it.

Cope: How I weep for the dying integrity of my childhood fanbase...

Rick: Methinks you're the sole survivor of that generation, Alex.

(The cloaked Richter strolls in)

Sally: Ricky!

Jo: Hey Ricky boy! What's going down?

Will: It's been awhile, Rick.

Rick: Yeah it has, but we're together again once more.

Will: Courtesy of the siren call that is top-quality ribs! (Cooks fervently)

Squishy: What are you up to these days, son? We never hear from you.

Rick: Oh, this and that. Wandering around for the most part.

Stan: Being a loner still, bro?

Rick: Just keeping to myself mostly, though I do get out to help when the need arises. Crowds aren't really my thing.

Sara: But don't you get bored going places all by yourself? Don't you ever miss hanging out with Stan or Sal or any one of us?

Rick: Not entirely. I'm just content living solo.

Sylvia: That can't be entirely healthy for you, Richter. Has something happened lately?

Rick: No Mom: I'm just living how I want to live. Adults don't always have to keep in contact with friends and family all the time. You don't keep in touch with grandpa regularly, do you?

Sylvia: Well, no, I'm ashamed to admit. But all the same—

Rick: And there you have it. I'm perfectly fine keeping to myself.

Squishy: Son, there's no need to snap at your mother like that. She's just concerned for you, as am I a little. Mainly because you don't call us.

Rick: I'm not snapping at anyone, Dad, and if it makes you happy I can make a call every few weeks or something.

Squishy: Or come visit us. Your uncle misses you too as well.

Rick: It's never enough, is it?

Anna: Hey hey hey! I didn't come here to hear your fussin'! This is a BBQ, d***it, not Montel!

Jo: Yeah. We're here to chill and eat and whatever our assignment was. So quit with the family drama so we can stuff our faces in peace!

(Silence)

Stan: He's right.

Sally: Yeah. This is a get-together, after all. Just for us. There's no reason for us to get all sour after being apart for so long. So Mom and Dad, lay off Rick. And Rick, quit being confrontational for today.

Rick: Sure, sis. Sorry.

Will: With all that settled, who wants a leg of lywek?

All: MEEE!

(So our heroes gather their paper plates, get their fixins from Will and eat in pure merry-nade for quite some time. As the feeding slows down)

Squishy: Mmm, mmm. Holy crap, these ribs are so tender!

Will: What can I say: I know how to beat my meat.

Sara: Will, seriously?

Squishy: And such seriously sweet drippings!

Anna: You know that's just BBQ sauce, right?

Squishy: But it's so unnatural just how sweet this stuff is!

Anna: He doesn't get out often, does he?

Sylvia: It's more that he hardly eats barbecue these days.

Cope: His loss, I say.

(As Squishy continues to relish the ribs as much as his uncultured taste buds can appreciate, a scientist comes in from the nearby tunnel)

Scientist: How is everyone?

Jo: Fan-f**king-tastic! If this meat was a woman I'd screw it in every imaginable orifice cuz it's just so d**n good!

Sara: Jo, table manners! (Bashes him in head with large bone)

Scientist: It's fortunate you're about finished, because we're about to fully unearth the Dragonite.

Stan: Sweet. We ate right through the wait.

Scientist: If you all would gather over there we will bring it out.

(Everyone gets up and throw away their trash. They stand before the tunnel as they begin feeling a rumble. Slowly rolling out from the tunnel comes a large tread-wheeled cart carrying a huge rock. When it stops we can see bits of glowing red crystal poking out from it)

Sally: That's a pretty big rock.

(The scientist comes to them)

Scientist: And there we have it: The fruit of several weeks of hard excavation. This has got to be the biggest sample recovered since Dragonite first appeared in the advanced systems. Imagine what we can learn from such a massive specimen.

Rick: Undoubtedly a lot. So where do you want us?

Scientist: Once we get the hover truck in here, all you have to do is keep close until we get onto the main transport. Afterwards we'll take it from there and you all can be on your way.

Sara: (Dejected) Ohhhhhh, so soon?

Squishy: You could all come over to the Home afterwards, keep this party rolling.

Sally: Me and Stan can definitely come over. Right, Stan?

Stan: Yeah, Sal. It's been awhile, and uncle Steezy would probably want us to hang out.

Rick: In that case, I suppose I could come spend some family time, if only for a little while.

Cope: I'd say no, but Anna will just overrule it in a heartbeat.

Anna: You know me all too well, my pet. Tee hee.

Jo: I might come over for a spell, you never know.

Scientist: We're ready to move the Dragonite, Jedi.

Will: We can talk this out later once the job's done.

_You're going nowhere._

(The Jedi look around)

Anna: Who the heck?

Rick: That voice… I know that gruffness from somewhere.

_Gwahahahahaha! What a major convenience this science project has become._

Squishy: That laugh…. No! Is that re—?!

(There's a great explosion as a section of the cave wall blasts inwards. The Jedi hit the dirt and the Dragonite boulder rolls off the cart with a thud. When the dust clears there's another thud as the assailant appears. Standing bold, wide and tall, we behold a figure of immense girth, scales, spiked accessories, fiery hair, claws and a great spiny shell, replete with a green and yellow color scheme. All the Jedi look up in confused astonishment)

Bowser: Hello ladies and losers! It's-a me: BOWSER!

(Prolonged drum solo and party poppers go off at this announcement)

Cope: It's never my day with these people…..

Jo: Bowser!? What the fffff-frek is this?!

Sylvia: How many trilogies has it been since you were here?

Bowser: Two, and that's just two-much time without any of ME!

Rick: Why are you here? Dad netted your a**.

Squishy: Yeah! ….I think it was me.

Bowser: Rick? That you, pal? Pff. You got lame real quick, man, hanging with these squares. I was sorta cool with you being the band leader and all, but you just had to get an ego and force that name on us without our approval. Me and Al were totally gonna dump you after the show, but the midget had to chuck us out of your dimension.

Rick: Good riddance. Queen cover bands are way overrated.

Bowser: WHAAAAT?! Even _I_ bow before the Queen! That just proves you never had the heart for rock, which would totally have justified our mutiny... if it had actually happened, that is.

Squishy: Yeeeeeeeah, I have to side with him on this one, son. That's straight blasphemy you just uttered.

Rick: Seriously?

Anna: Will you all just shut up about the 7th trilogy already? If you're gonna do fluff can it at least have some present relevance to it?

Bowser: I was getting to that! God-d**n, impatient cow.

Anna: What was that you chubby Gamera knock-off I'll fricassee you I swear on me mum!

Squishy: Why are you here?

Bowser: Heheh, glad you finally asked. You recall how I used to be half machine?

Sara: Oh yeah; I noticed you looked different. I just thought you lost weight.

Bowser: I'm at the prime weight for my size, thank you very much. Anyway, this happened shortly after you sent me back home. I was just sitting around my castle thinking up contrived plans as usual when this wall of light hit me in the face outta nowhere. When I came to I found myself back to my former odious glory. (Strikes pose and there's camera flashes) After that I decided to skip around the outdoors to try out my new legs. While I was frolicking, er, rampaging, I came across this red thing on the ground. I ate it because I thought it looked like candy, but it turned out to be a crystal of some kind. Yet it was edible, and it tasted good!

After swallowing it, this weird portal popped up in front of me. I was gonna go get a goomba to go through it, but I got pulled in instead. After a quick 70's style acid excursion I found myself here in your galaxy once again.

Squishy: Unbelievable… Why can't my candy take me to magical places instead of making me super hyper?

(Anna shakes her head)

Bowser: To make a long story short, I came to learn some strange but interesting things about myself.

Will: You're gay?

Bowser: NO! But that would be interesting if that were so. Anyway, I find out that that red rock that I ate was something called Dragonite, and every time I ate more, I become more powerful. Check it.

(He goes over to the boulder. He pulls back a fist and rams it deep into the boulder. He pulls it back out, holding a great pile of the shiny red crystal)

Bowser: This is my favorite part.

(He opens his gullet and shoves the crystals in, crunching them up without pause)

Jo: Holy crap look at him go!

Anna: Is this supposed to impress us or what?

Scientist: I'm mighty impressed.

(Girlish giggle. Bowser finishes his gorging, and with some internal burbling he lets off a mild glow. When it ceases we see that Bowser has become paler)

Bowser: The only drawback is that I get as white as a Boo, but who needs brilliant skin tones when you have all this strength flowing through your veins? Also, I got to grow THESE!

(He tightens and strains himself. Suddenly his puny tail extends into a long, meaty protrusion and from his shoulders two white wings unfurl, making him look like a dragon)

Cope: Okay…. Now I'm impressed.

Bowser: Yeah-heh, you bet your twig bod you're impressed! With these righteous additions I felt it was time your galaxy had a new enema. And as I eat more Dragonite, I'll only become more of a formidable medical procedure to be reckoned with.

Stan: Not unless we stop you first!

Bowser: What, you think you can stop me? You barely have more meat on ya then beanpole there.

Rick: That can be adjusted with some ten lightsabers to the face.

Bowser: Ha, that got your attention, Ricky boy? Guess I'll get to smash you into your place at long last while I bust up your dinky galaxy!

Sylvia: Hey! Don't go forgetting us you meathead!

Squishy: Especially since we're the ones that dumped you into lava in the first place!

Bowser: Oh, right. Well how bout this: I'll take the whole lot of you down!

Anna: Bring it on, pincushion!

(The Jedi leap at Bowser with sabers drawn, but he deftly floats away with his wings. He dodges swipes from Cope, Rick and Jo, giving claw slashes and swipes of his giant tail in return. After clearing some space, he takes a deep breath and bellows a great blaze that covers the entire cave in burning flame, forcing the Jedi to hit the dirt to avoid the heat)

Will: Great balls of fire!

Bowser: Heh! Even my breath has got an added kick to it!

(The struggle continues a bit longer, with Bowser fending off Anna before Sally leaps in and kicks his head, knocking him against the Dragonite boulder)

Sally: We're too good for you, chump! Even with your fancy wings.

Bowser: For now you might be. (Grabs the boulder) Guess I'll just have to eat on the go. Later suckers!

(With a great flap of his wings he blasts up and through the cave ceiling along with the boulder. After the dust clears there's a great hole where Bowser fled and nothing more)

Jo: Uhh, seems like we have a problem, everyone.

Squishy: No kidding. Since when did Bowser get so bad-a**?

Cope: Bowser's not the one that's bad-a**: It's whatever's in that Dragonite.

Rick: And he's only going to get stronger by eating more of it.

Will: Which that boulder had lots of.

Sara: So what do we do?

Cope: Go after him, obviously.

Sally: Oooh, this could be our next installment: The latest threat to the galaxy which we must vanquish.

Cope: We shouldn't be gleeful about that, Sal—

Jo: Of course! We've been sitting idle for too long and it's time for some frickin' action!

Will: The rut's finally over!

Anna: It's turtle season, boys and girls!

Squishy: To the Century Sparrow!

Cope: Huh? Why that piece of crap? Can't we just take our other ships?

Sylvia: Well using one ship means less hassle, and it's more or less been our Mystery Machine this whole series.

Jo: And it's always a comfort going with tradition after so long, so let's move!

(They dash out of the cave toward the ship)

Sally: Any idea where we should look for him?

Rick: He's going for Dragonite, so wherever there's Dragonite he's bound to show up.

Squishy: Ah! The ol' galaxy-trotting hunt scenario. Very adventurous.

Cope: And incredibly tedious if we don't know where to start looking among the hundreds of places Dragonite is found.

Sara: Ooh! I might know one: I heard about it while watching the shopping channel.

Will: You talking jewelry, dear?

Sara: Not exactly. Let's just fly off here.

(They make it onto the Century Sparrow)

Jo: Alright people this is gonna get hot! Crank up the stereo while we listen to the radio and Sara tells us some coordinates.

Sara: Okay, we need to head to—

**We interrupt this story line for a Holo-Channel 6 exclusive:**

**Live from beautiful Palette Sky Boulevard in Coruscant!**

(Switch to the great city planet where there's a mass gathering atop some walkways as though it were the Academy Awards. There's flashing lights, red carpets, fancy dresses, cheesy orchestrated music and loads of clamoring masses. We turn to a man in a blue tux holding a mic and looking swank as well as professional)

Reporter: Good evening, everybody! Chip Dawkins here at the biggest event of the season, for tonight will be the unveiling of the latest masterpiece from famed artist-slash-recluse extraordinaire: Rodrick Kumstantinople the Exasperated. The air's buzzing with anticipation and excitement as art fanatics and casual conformists alike have come in droves to see this momentous occasion. What makes this event so different from just about every other unveiling is beyond me, but my Reporter Sense is acting up and it's never been wrong… except with my marriage. I simply had too much personal insecurity to steer that trainwreck. And it looks like something's about to finally happen. Let's take a look.

(Turn to some hunched bearded man next to a tall object covered in a red tarp)

Rodrick: Familiars and followers, I give you: (Pulls away tarp) Rapture!

(We behold a large sculpture of an indescribable shape made of pure crimson stone. This causes the crowds to go wild)

Chip: Wow: That's quite the shiny statue-thingy. Too bad I can't look past its contorted ugly exterior, otherwise I might have found a false enlightenment which everyone else here must be feeling right now. (Turns to look at camera) Anyways, the cue cards tell me that that sculpture is made entirely from pure Dragonite. For those of you who have been under a rock the past few months or are test subjects for the government's latest memory inhibitors, Dragonite is a type of rock that has been crashing onto planets all around the galaxy from a distant nebula. Being so "mysterious" and "pretty", people have taken to both studying it and squandering it on decadent art trends. The latest one of these has taken the cosmopolitan scene of Coruscant by storm as of late, with fashion, architecture and even food accommodating this wild popularity of some fancy space rock. Personally, I don't get what makes this one so special from all the rest. Other space rocks have quantifiable properties to them, but what do I know? I work on holovision. Speaking of, many hip celebrities have come to the unveiling and—

(As he's talking, we see in the background the malformed Bowser burst from the crowd and go for the statue. He starts tearing chunks of it out and eating it, making him more muscular and white. Rodrick tries to stop him, but Bowser snatches him and eats him as well. Then the Jedi bust onto the scene to face Bowser. A struggle ensues with Bowser still tearing bits from the statue. There is screaming everywhere and all the while Chip keeps talking until)

Chip: God d***it Marv what is all that noi— (Turns around) Oh s**t, it's the Lizard King! It appears my coke-addled dreams meant something. I have foreseen the Apocalypse and I shall be an honorary Horseman of it! Who's the psychotic now, Lois?

(Bowser leaps up and snatches him in his jaws, shaking him about like a bone)

Chip: This just in: I was horribly mistaken! This is NOT the Harbinger of Doom I had long fantasized about. I surely called it wrong big this time! Sweet balls of mercy my SPLEEN! EXPLETIVE EXPLETIVE EXPLETIVEEEEEEE!

(The scene freezes and the screen shrinks down to reveal a man at a news table holding some papers)

Anchor: That was the scene on Coruscant from several hours ago: A massacre that took a heavy toll on both lives and art. Not long after this attack, several similar incidents have been reported from around the galaxy, all of them concerning the "eating" of large quantities of Dragonite through excessive violence. Reports have confirmed the culprit as being Bowser of the Mushroom Kingdom, who is currently being pursued by the renowned Jedi. Yet despite their dogged Light-Sided determination, approximately fifty attacks have been carried out based on eyewitness accounts. To help provide further insight on this troubling topic of escalating, rapidfire danger, we now turn to Counter Blow with our station's head realist and critic: John Blubsoe.

(Switch to a dark studio which lights up to reveal a fat man with glasses sitting in a small chair and wearing clothes that'd Roger Ebert would approve)

John: Greetings Anchor McAnchorsen. I'm John with Counter Blow.

Anchor: Good to have you with us again, John. Now John, you're fully aware of this current crisis, am I correct?

John: I am fully aware, yet I have to disagree with you: This is nothing worthy of the title "crisis".

Anchor: What makes you say that?

John: Just think about it: This galaxy has been taken over by nerds twice, there was the infighting with the allied nerds, and lest it not be forgotten that time all of us were killed by the Financer.

Anchor: Ah yes: Tril8Ep2. Never forget.

John: Though you appeared to have.

Anchor: No I didn't. Now if this situation isn't a crisis, what is it?

John: I call it a nuisance, quite frankly. All that's really going on is that an overgrown turtle is going around the galaxy eating rocks. I see no cause for concern.

Anchor: Are you so sure about that? There has been extensive destruction and a growing death count.

John: All sensationalized to make for a more gripping story. Besides, everyone that's died so far are either nameless nobodies or were meant to be killed off after a brief appearance.

Anchor: What do you mean?

John: The Contractor is our creator, correct? That means he decides who lives and who dies, and he has made those people solely to die shortly after being brought to our attention.

Anchor: How can you say that? All those people had rich, fulfilling lives.

John: Oh please, Anchor, they were extras. Take Chip Dawkins for example.

Anchor: But I've known Chip for years! He was a good friend!

John: That's only because the Contractor wrote you having known him for so long. See, he's even writing out my very words. Can someone get a camera on the writing instrument?

(We get a shot of a set of massive keyboard keys being pressed by equally massive and hairy fingers, which brings about dramatic sting music)

Anchor: (Freaked out) My God: The Digits!

(Dives beneath desk, throwing up the papers)

John: So there you have it. While I'm on the subject of divine scheduling I'd like to say how inconsistent the Contractor is. His supposed "balance" of the universe is completely erratic, random and totally amateur. He besets us with the most childish of threats and whenever he makes an actual appearance his schemes lack cohesion. While I give him credit for creating us in the first place, I will still have to dock him in his organizational skills. Basically, "master", your writing sucks. (A giant delete key floats down, but John pushes it away) Uh uh uhh, there will be none of that. Now for the part of the show where people come on the set and foolishly attempt to denounce my wisdom. Our first guest is a reputable, if controversial, hard-a** of science: Mr. Yathers.

(Show tall bearded guy)

Yather: You're a snot-nosed brat that's wat ye are!

John: Thank you, Yathers. Our next guest is of the more religious discipline: Father Moore. Now Father, what insignificant babble have you to shill?

(Show man in white robes, short sandy hair and with somewhat crooked teeth)

Moore: John, I am here to say that the light of the Contractor shines upon us all. He has vowed to be good to all living things, and we his subjects should follow his example and be good to one another.

John: So you're saying we should follow the ways of someone who declared war on the entire Republic and has displayed consistent hostility and contempt towards us in the past.

Moore: I acknowledge those facts, but those times are over. The Contractor of today is a loving, compassionate one.

John: Then how bout that incident between General Chris and a robot monkey I keep hearing about?

Moore: The Contractor had no part in it. Chris did it of his own volition.

John: Clearly you haven't been, or don't want to listen. The Contractor dictates what sort of personalities we have, and by that reasoning we can infer that he is a sick b****rd who gets off to mating lizards with midgets and making gingers sodomize cyborg simians, and no chipmunk is going to make me think different.

Moore: What?

John: Nothing Alvin; just be on your merry old way. Now, in a pitiful attempt to turn me to the light, here's Dr. Phil.

(The balding Southerner appears)

Phil: Hello, John. How are you feeling right now?

John: Fairly confounded over how exactly you came to this plane of existence.

Phil: That's super. Now John, why do you say all these mean things to people?

John: I seek to improve them. You know the saying "no pain, no gain", right? Well if people can survive my barrage of harsh criticisms and hard truths, then they become better thinkers who withstand even further biting insults that pour from my mouth.

Phil: That isn't the truth, is it John? You say these things just to make people suffer.

John: I can't argue with that. It's just so satisfying to take advantage of people's ignorance and gullibility.

Phil: But that's just wrong, John. What you're doing hurts people when they don't deserve it. It's as if you're punishing others for the insecurities you yourself cannot confront head-on.

John: Pffft! Someone like yourself preaching to me about insecurities: That's a laugh!

Phil: What-ever do you mean?

John: It's so obvious: You're riddled with insecurities. Have a skeleton in the closet or two you'd like to air out?

Phil: I have nothing to disclose.

John: Oh yeah? Then how do you explain This?!

(Whips out a large slice of New York-style pizza to dramatic sting music)

Phil: (Gasp!) How did you ev-ah get into my yum-yum sack?

John: Time to cut the act, Phil. For years you're been the southern belle of daytime television, but why do you do it? That is not who you are. You're only hurting yourself. It's time to open up; be free; be yourself. Don't you think it's about time to start taking your own advice?

(After some hesitation)

Phil: (In Brooklyn accent) Ahh, you're right! I've been so ashamed of my upbringing, but no more! From now on I'll be the taxi driver I was destined to be, and abandon the media spotlight indefinitely!

(Puts on taxi cap and runs off. John chuckles)

John: Manipulating emotions to ruin others is so fun. (Gobbles pizza slice) Now for the least favorite part of the show: Taking calls from viewers. Caller 1, you're on.

Girl Caller: Hi Mr. John. My name is Susan, and I'm six years old. Christmas is almost here but I don't know what to get. Because you're so smart, do you know what I can ask from Santa?

John: Though I appreciate you calling me smart, I have to burst that little bubble of yours. You see little Susan, Santa Claus is a myth; legend; lie. He's just something made up to keep you full of hope when there really isn't any, because at heart all parents love leading their children through a lovely field of lies, much like the ones that brought them together in the first place.

Susan: What?

John: Okay, different approach: You wanna see a magic trick? (Puts a closed envelope to his head) Dead dog. Pending divorce. Brain damage. (Opens envelope and holds letter) Reasons why you are willing to believe in Santa Claus. All these things are taking place and you're stupid enough to believe the farce your parents weave.

Susan: Scruffles is dead!? Noooo! (Hangs up)

John: Right. Next caller.

Caller: Uh, yeah, why are you so fat?

John: I don't quite recall, but why are you so frilly?

Caller: I just feel slim in pink! (Hangs up)

John: Next victim.

Caller: You listen here! I'm standing on the edge of a bridge with a gun to my head, a noose on my neck and 300 milligrams of Levitra ready to gulp! I'm so freakin' sick of everything that's going on! Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill myself right now!

John: Another one? Why do I keep getting these calls? Look sir, you're the eighth suicidalist to get the wrong number this week, so get off the line and quit wasting my time. The galaxy doesn't need impotents like you filling the air with your sob stories. "Oh, look at me, I can't take rejection, my mother died, I got fired, I have cancer, boo hoo hoo hoo hoo!"

Caller: I'm not impotent! (Jump noise) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

(Bang, snap, boing! Dial tone)

John: And that'll do for calls. Now bring out the effigies of things both pure and innocent that I may stab and torch with relish.

Anchor: There will be no rituals today, John!

(Climbs back into view)

John: Ah, you finally rejoin us.

Anchor: Your reign of insensitivity and verbal abuse has gone on too long! I shall put you down with your greatest adversary! (Pulls out walkie-talkie) Send him in!

(In John's studio, a wall blows out, and stepping through the rubble comes... Dennis Miller!)

John: _YOU!_

Dennis: Hello my little narcissistic pissant. I'm gonna show you what it really means to be an opiate of social satire and criticism.

(Grabs John and hefts him onto his shoulders)

John: (Struggling) Wait, you can't do this! Don' let him take me! His beard talks! He says big words for no good reason!

Dennis: Quit resisting; you're only gonna make this more justifiably, morbidly enriching for me.

John: (Freaked) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—HO HO OHH!

(Dennis walks off with his captive. Back in the newsroom, Anchor re-composes himself, grabs his papers and sits calmly)

Anchor: We now return to our main program, already in progress.

* * *

(The Century Sparrow speeds through starry space. Onboard)

Jo: We've just about chased Bowser to every corner of the galaxy.

Stan: And what an adventure it has been.

Squishy: But now we've got him. There's nowhere else for him to run.

(Out in space we see Bowser flying through the void, sporting massive wings, a longer tail and a very bleached complexion. He comes to a stop and hovers around to see the Sparrow coming at him. At his back is a great red nebula in the shape of a reptilian claw)

Will: We gotcha now, punk.

(Back in space)

Bowser: They're still on my a**? Sheesh, they just can't get it through their heads that I'm never gonna give up. Oh well. Since I've eaten enough Dragonite, I guess it's time to show them how real a deal I really am. (Turns around) And if those voices are right. (Throws up arms, then loudly shouts) Oh great nebula, hear my words! Tear yourself asunder and let flow your arcane energies! Give me power and free my Brothers so that they may settle this new home! Obey my Commands!

(Suddenly a red, harsh aura forms around him, becoming more wavy and fierce. On the ship)

Sally: What's the deal with Bowser?

Sylvia: He must be readying an attack of some sort.

Cope: Uh, guys, either it's me or that nebula is doing something.

Jo: What?

(Behind the glowing Bowser the nebula shows activity. The outer segments start collapsing inward and coalesce into an amorphous ball of gas that begins glowing and expanding. Then it goes off in a huge cosmic explosion, and bursting from the epicenter comes…. comes… Holy F**k it's f**kin' DRAGONS!)

Rick: What The F**k!?

Jo: Oh Sheeee-***!

(To FFVI's "Metamorphosis" we witness thousands upon thousands upon endless streams of dragons flow out in all directions, roaring and blotting out the stars. Bowser is swallowed by the outflow of avaricious reptiles as they head for the Sparrow)

Will: AH DIP they're coming right for us!

Sylvia: Get us outta here, Squishy!

Cope: NOW!

(Squishy snatches the throttle and yanks hard. Outside, the ship does a 180 and shoots off with the dragons nipping at its exhaust ports. Then a large dragon pops up and bites the screen, cutting off audio and visuals)

**Experiencing Technical Difficulties**

**Please Standby**


	3. This Just In

**The Other Side**

**(Of the Issue)**

* * *

**The Galaxy's number one Holo-Station…**

(_Wondrous_)

**The most reliable news coverage…**

(_Superb_)

**A dedicated news team…**

(_Courteous_)

**The only news station affordable to the Republic…**

(_Government's cheap_)

**Your one place for up-to-date information…**

(_It is inevitable_)

**This…. Is….**

**Holo-Channel 6**

**with Dick Hamalon**

(Switch to an anchorman at a desk to broadcast music)

Dick: Greetings. This is Dick Hamalon. Today's top story: Dragons! That's right: those giant fabled lizards with wings and the terrible halitosis have invaded our great galaxy in ludicrous numbers. Just about every dragon imaginable is here: European, Chinese, bed-time, cartoon, video game, and even the kind that occasionally comes to your home spewing fire wherever it goes, or in-laws as I call them. Ha, ha, ha, hee heh ha ha Ho HO HAHAHAHAHAHA HOO HA HA HEEEE! (Spins around in chair and falls to floor. Gets back up hurriedly)

Dick: Just so you know, ladies, I'm still very much single. Anyway, this devastating influx of dragons has given the galaxy cause for concern over its very future. For further insight on this distress we turn to our field correspondent Tom Dodders, live from Nar Shaddaa.

(Switch to a reporter standing before wreckage, fire, bodies and blood, shaking his head and screaming wildly)

Tom: (Bloodcurdling scream)

Dick: Thank you, Tom. We now switch to Stacey Simpkins, currently stationed on Kamino.

(Show a woman covered in blood holding a maimed person, crying out against the rain)

Stacey: (Screaming and moaning unanswered prayers)

Dick: Thank you, Stacey. Now for Spicy Raoul's thought in these matters. Raoul?

(Show a Latino man being chewed up by a large dragon)

(Really fast) Raoul: POR QUÉ DIO, POR QUÉ?! Este fue mi dia LIBREEEEE!

Dick: Nobody likes a whiner, Raoul. (To camera) Obviously things are looking very bleak, so for our Human Interest Piece we turn to Corellia's Annual Freighter Joe's Beauty Pageant to lighten the mood, with celebrity guest commentator Alicia Keys already on site. How's the competition looking there, Alicia?

(Turn to convention center where a large red dragon is rampaging about the place, spouting streams of flame over people and fixtures alike. Alicia Keys is off to the side screaming in song as we're shown the contestants being set ablaze)

Alicia Keys: _This, girl is on FI-YAAAAAAHH!_

_This, girl is on FI-YAAAAAAHH!_

_She's, walking on FI-YAAAAAHH!_

_This, girl is on FI-YAAAAAAAAAAHH!_

Dick: Tragically up-tempo, I see. I wish all the contestants best of luck. (To audience) With that being a bust, now's as good a time as any to check in on our studio's avatar of fabulosity: William Culluhullum, reporting live from Umgul. Will, are still fit to do your job?

(Turn to a well-dressed man with sandy hair, rugged face hair and a feminine voice)

William: Hi Dick! I'm super here and ready to report.

Dick: First bit of goods news I heard all day. Now Will, since my mind's still a little foggy from all those jello shooters, could you fill us in on what's been going on?

William: It'd be my pleasure. So the incident started yesterday when the Dragon Claw Nebula ruptured, expelling thousands of dragons and creating a whole new planet in its wake, according to Jedi reports. Also mentioned in the reports was the person responsible for this phenomenon was Bowser, the main villain of the Mushroom Kingdom. Apparently, he's also the one that's been stealing Dragonite around the galaxy these past few days.

Dick: Uh-huuh. That is a lot of information that doesn't really concern my immediate self. Can you at least tell us how things are down there on Umgul, Will? Your other correspondents are either incapacitated or dead to me for bringing the wrong hors d'oeuvres to my birthday party. By the way, that margarita you made was simply divine.

William: Why thanks, Dick. My secret is loads of tequila. Anyway, things on Umgul are just fine. There have been some dragon flybys but nothing serious. Maybe that's one advantage to being a far-off planet with friendly people everywhere.

(A muscle-headed Jock wearing a shirt with the word "Taylor" on it comes into the background)

Taylor: Yo Will you suck! Kiss my white a**!

(Turns around and moons William. A green dragon swoops down and bites off his buttocks)

Taylor: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! OH GOD! MY MAN-A**; MY SUPPLE, HAIRLESS POSTERIOR! WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME!? (Falls over)

William: Well… Mostly friendly people. Any who, I'm off for some retail therapy at Zack's so catch you later Dick. Ciao! (Gives girlish wave)

Dick: Ah Will… Not my kind of flamboyant, but a real snappy dresser and actor to boot. (To camera) With the appearance of these scaly new freeloaders, the lives of everyday folks are being affected. To understand how they are dealing with this, we've taken to the streets to get word directly from the Republic's life blood: The common citizen.

(Show news screen where a woman with freckles, pale skin and long ginger hair is interviewed)

Nicole: Of course these dragons are definitely a concern for me and my community. But I don't think our government should take immediate aggressive action. Not all dragons are outright violent, so we should take the time to meter the good from bad and keep things organized. And I trust other citizens will respond to this crisis in a calm, responsible, dignified manner.

(In the background a dragon flaps around and on its back is some guy with glasses)

Ted: Check it out, sis! This will surely get the ladies' attention!

Nicole: Ted what are you doing? You're afraid of heights!

Ted: Nonsense! The Rico isn't subject to—Oh God I'm Too High! HELP MEEE!

Nicole: (Sigh) Excuse me.

(Whips out a sword and runs off. Now we turn to a short lad with spiky blond hair, glasses, and wearing a Hawaiian shirt while looking a bit spaced out)

Travis: What do I got to say about the dragons? I say F**k those f**kers! F**k the lot of them! The dragons, the Krauts, every single one of them! They could all f**k the same mom for all I care; I don't give a f**k! F**k! And the reason I'm so pissed is because all this racket has ruined my nap! And I'm tired of everyone calling me black! I'm a f**kin' Cracker Jack ya mother-f**kers! F**k2!

(Switch to some male transvestite in tight black leather with slick black hair and glasses and heels and a purse)

Craig: I'm far too busy and important for your little interview, so amscray and let me run my d***n business.

Interviewer: But ma'am if you could just only—

Craig: Hey! I'm a mister for your information, and don't you for-get a-bout it-t.

(Goes into a seedy club. From outside we hear roaring and screams)

Craig: Hey you overgrown geckos, quit eating the clientele and get the—Oh Lard! Let go of my luscious thigh! Oh Gawd!

(Switch to a suave Latino man with a bronze tan and black hair lounging on a pool chair)

Ben: (Smoothly) Dragons? There is nothing to fear from such beasts, for you see I, the great Ben Cortiz, exude an aura of sauversity. I am smooth in every aspect of manliness and adored by all those who have even the most basic standards of beauty. If anything, the dragons would kneel before my whims. In fact, I'm having the urge to release my sexiness right here and now, so stand back if you wish to capture my virile image in perfect focus. Oh shake it babies!

(He tears off his pool robe and dances to "She Bangs" while wearing white shorts. Behind him curtains rise and we see a line of dragons dancing in step to Ben with flashing lights before we switch back to the news room. There, Dick is furiously groping and making out with a female intern who's got a leg wrapped around him. When he notices the camera he shoves the woman off-screen, where we hear crashing noises and a cat screech. Dick wipes his face quickly)

Dick: Man, I haven't seen weirdoes like that since my college days. Moving along, law enforcement of the highest echelons have been dispatched to suppress the dragon presence on all planets. Even the Ssi-Ruu homeworld of Lwhekk is under close scrutiny.

(Turn to a barren, rocky planet where several raptor-like creatures are walking about. Two human officers go up to one of them)

Officer: Excuse me, sir. We would like to ask you a few questions.

(The Ssi-Ruuk responds, but only in chirps and whistles)

Ssi-Ruuk: (Chirps) Sir? I'm female, can't you tell?

Officer: Sir, have you seen any dragons in the vicinity as of late?

Ssi-Ruuk: (Chirps) Dragons? There's no dragons here. And stop calling me sir!

Officer: Please cooperate and just answer the question.

Ssi-Ruuk: (Chirps) Are you deaf? I told you I don't know anything!

(While the exchange continues, Huff the Magic Dragon scoots around in the background)

Officer: Look, singing to call for you chicks or mate or whatever is doing neither of us any good. So if you can just answer our question, sir, then we'll—

Ssi-Ruuk: (Chirps) I'm not singing I'm talking, and what you just said there is sexist! I demand to speak to your superior!

Officer 2: Say, I think I detect a hint of a wing on this one.

Ssi-Ruuk: (Chirp) What?!

Officer: Good observation, Wanson. I'm sorry sir, but we're going to have to perform a cavity search on you.

(Brings up an arm and stretches a medical glove over it)

Ssi-Ruuk: (Chirps) Are you crazy?!

Officer: Just hold still and we'll leave your bits intact.

Ssi-Ruuk: (Chirps) I have nothing DOWN THERE!

(Pounces on officer so that they're off-screen, where we hear ripping and growling noises)

Officer: Resisting will only make it sting more—My Eyes! Not my EYES!

(Screen goes static. Back at news room, Dick shakes his head)

Dick: What a disgrace: Gross sexism among our men in blue. I feel obliged to inform you, my dear audience, that due to limited funding by our Republic, this day's report is nearly over. But before I sign off, I want to leave on one final note. With law enforcement bumbling around out there and our prized Jedi doing _something_, there lingers one question on this reporter's mind: How did this mousetrap get on my hand? (Holds up afflicted hand) But also, where is the Republic Army in all this? More importantly, where is the great General Chris: one of this Republic's most celebrated, venerated officers. Now more then ever do we need a strong, inspiring figure to shelter us from the encroaching darkness of uncertainty. So I ask: Where in the our esteemed Chris? (Slams down hands, where there's another snap) D***it. Seems there's another one.

* * *

(We now get a blue sky with two suns. The great red hairy face of Chris comes up and blots out the light for added dramatic effect)

Chris: Alright men! This galaxy is being wooed with danger, and the seductress' name is Dragon. It's up to us to save the people and take all the credit for once, so let's move out! (Pause)

Soldier: Uh, sir? We can't do that here.

Chris: And why the freak not?

(Pull back to reveal Chris and several soldiers standing in the middle of a vast dune sea)

Soldier: We're on Tatooine, sir. There hasn't been a single dragon sighting here, and I doubt there will ever be one.

Soldier 2: It's too d**n hot, sir!

Chris: Yes yes, you all make valid points. But it's always important to stay on your toes no matter where you are.

Soldier: But why here, sir? The mission dossier has all the dragon hot spots, and you got it on your belt right now.

Chris: We're here because we're defending history, son. Great rebellions were preserved on this rock, and I'll be d***ed if I'll see no more rebellions of righteousness occur here.

Soldier: What about that one rebellion whose sole purpose was to destroy all water on this planet?

Chris: They were mere cultists: All they wanted was a little attention. Once they got it, things quieted down quick.

Soldier 2: That's only after they suicide bombed those moisture farms.

Chris: They did our work for us, though. But that's the past. We have a mission here in the present, and our futures demand it to be followed through without question.

Soldier 3: What a loon.

Chris: Call me crazy, eh? Nothing's crazy when you put it all in perspective.

(He turns around to keep talking. As he does so, a huge krayt dragon appears and starts eating the soldiers. Despite the horrific screams Chris keeps talking)

Chris: Somewhere within those endless sands our quarry is waiting, hiding, plotting. They do not want us to learn of the doom muffins they're baking: The same dastardly brand of muffins that ruptured my intestines all those years ago. The doctors will tell ya that it was a violent allergic reaction, but I knew that someone was trying to take me out, and I finally understand it had been dragons all along, preparing a preemptive strike on their greatest threat. Though I eat muffins with a mechanical intestine nowadays, the culprits are finally in my sight. And once I get my hands on them, they'll be missing far more than intestines. I'm going for the whole shishkabibble. This will not only be our fight for the people, but one for my past self. To everyone's past selves! Are you with me, men!...Men?

(Turns around only to come face to face with a still hungry, growling krayt dragon)

Chris: Oh, hi there… Heh heh… I hope you didn't hear all that stuff about dragons plotting to kill me and how I was gonna mutilate them. Actually I just made up that last part.

(The dragon spits up a boot with a leg still in it)

Chris: Well, oh, you know something, I just remembered that I left my snowshoes back at the hanger. Be right back. Exit stage that-away! (Dashes off. The krayt dragon gives chase) YAAAAAAAAAA— (Runs offscreen followed by the beast. A while later he comes running back) AAAAAAAAAAAAA— (Runs out again, only to come back again) AAAAAAAAAA—

(He keeps doing this silly act. Pull back a good distance where Leonard Nimoy steps in with the chase happening behind him)

L. Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. People have always strived to make a name for themselves since time in memorial. Some, with considerably less effort than others. But there are also those who seek not dignified recognition, but rather one of repeated humiliation and crudeness. The fellow behind me is a prime example of one of these people. What is it that makes this man repeatedly make a fool of himself when he is capable of far better? Join me, as we investigate the anomaly of this one fictional human mind.

_In search of…._

**Chris' Dignity**


	4. Episode 2

**Steve Warz**

**Episode [Fire]:**

**Dragonfire Conquest**

_What? No soothingly-narrated documentary? Alright, fine. Back to resuming my day job. Huh-hum!_

_ As discussed in that overly-long prologue, dragons by the bushel have descended upon our humble galaxy. Through the actions of an empowered Bowser, the Dragon Claw Nebula is no more. In its place are now thousands of dragons and, most incredible of all, a fully-developed planet. Scientist are of course intrigued by this event, but can't do anything about it due to all the dragon attacks. In fact, for almost a week everyone in the galaxy has been facing quite the hassle dealing with the new winged arrivals, including the Jedi._

_ Hopefully our heroes will find a way to fix this mess like they always do. You've read this series long enough, so the real question you should ask yourself is HOW it will be fixed. Will it be serious, funny, or both? Use what you already know and start predicting!_

(Deep space, on the capital ship _Home One_. Walking through one of its corridors are the Jedi looking a tad ragged)

Jo: How did you guys do?

Squishy: Dantooine wasn't so bad. Warded off seven dragons, killed four.

Anna: Things were alright on Rodia until a dragon swallowed the slot machine I was at. I slaughtered it without mercy.

Stan: We did pretty well.

Rick: Only because I kept saving your sorry self.

Sally: But you have to admit he made a great distraction.

Stan: Ah come on I got at least one.

Sara: I'm starting to wonder if all this eradication is necessary. Some of those dragons look kinda cute.

Will: You didn't think so after they burned your new capris.

Sara: Yeah, I lost it a little then.

Sylvia: Maybe after our report the army can handle the rest.

Squishy: Yeah. Things should have quieted down some by now.

(Later we see the Jedi in a briefing room with other military personnel. At a desk sits our fishy Admiral Ackbar)

Ackbar: Now that the Jedi have given us their update, let's hear everyone else's progress.

Officer 1: (Storms up) It's a disaster, sir!

Cope: Huh?

Officer 2: We're getting annihilated out there!

Officer 3: The dragons exude a mysterious craftiness unlike any seen in this galaxy!

Officer 4: Every time we leave an assigned planet to resupply, there are just as many dragons as when we first arrived!

Officer 1: And there's the matter of supplies: our resources are running low and the dragon resistance isn't waning one bit!

Officer 3: What intel are you withholding, admiral? Are their numbers really that massive?

?: It's not that their numbers are massive.

(Show a large chair that swivels around to reveal Ackbar's head Mon Calamarian technical officer)

Tech. Off: They're simply getting reinforcements.

All: Hur?

Ackbar: Care to explain yourself?

Tech Off: The number of dragons that have been disposed of is considerable, so the issue isn't in fighting them. The true dilemma is that new dragons are still coming into the galaxy at an alarming rate.

Officer 2: Wait, more are still coming? From where?

Tech Off: Right here.

(Pushes a button on a remote and stands up. A hologram of a planet appears)

Tech Off: This is the planet that had appeared following the Dragon Claw Nebula's destruction. It has been designated "Draconia" for the time being, for obvious reasons.

Will: Obviously.

Tech. Off: Though a proper science expedition hadn't been sent due to the attacks, we were able to observe the planet for some time through orbiting surveillance droids. What we found was intriguing: The planet bears a livable atmosphere similar to Dantooine's, and on its surface there are actual thriving ecosystems, though it's mostly mountains, forests, and lakes. Another thing that we noticed was that every so often, dragons could be spotted flying away from the planet. The numbers range from loners to groups of up to ten.

Cope: So you believe this planet is where all these dragon reinforcements are coming from.

Tech. Off: Precisely.

Ackbar: This is certainly some vital new information, if it's indeed true. How long have you and your staff been observing these movements?

Tech: We sent the first drones as soon as we could, which was hours after the rupture, so our findings can be validated by several days' worth of observation.

Jo: So there's some dragon army on this new planet sending out more dragons, which means there could be a leader in the mix.

Rick: Which could warrant a full military response if need be.

Ackbar: That it does, Richter. (To tech) Have you looked into possible military operations?

Tech. Off: I had considered sending General Chris' unit to breach planetary defenses, but for some reason I cannot contact him.

Officer 3: You know, given the power of the dragons and their numbers, charging head first at their home base might not be the smartest move.

Ackbar: Hmmm, I would have to agree with you. The intelligence those beasts possess along with their innate strengths would make direct military combat a hassle. If there is a leadership structure overseeing the movement of these dragons, then a covert operation to eliminate it would work better. Therefore—

Anna: (Sigh) I can see where this is goin'.

Ackbar: I want you Jedi to head and carry out this operation.

Jo: Ha! Pay up, Stan!

(Stan hands him five bucks)

Sally: You honestly thought we weren't going to do this kind of thing, Stan?

Stan: I legitimately thought we would stay out of the bigger picture this time around.

Will: When you're the stars of the show, you don't stay out of the spotlight for long, bud.

Sylvia: So when do we start?

Tech. Off: Right away, if possible. Your primary goal will be to locate and eliminate any commanding entities if any exist, or at the very least find the stronghold the dragon reinforcements are coming from. As this mission is covert, I recommend you fly in on something no larger than a cargo ship.

Squishy: Woo-hoo! Century Sparrow rides again!

Cope: Someone should really buy a newer ship for these excursions.

Anna: I don't see you footing the bill, Alex.

Cope: Only because you keep gambling away our funds, woman!

Anna: Hey! It's only your personal funds being used. They're expendable.

Ackbar: While you are gone, Jedi, our forces will keep maintaining order throughout the Republic. And before you go, bear this in mind: These are dragons you are facing. Never before have we faced an enemy of such ferocity, both in mind and sheer physical prowess. Where you are headed there could be untold numbers of them waiting in the wings, with powers no one has ever seen. I should also warn you that there is the very good possibility you won't be able to come back here for whatever reason. Are you ready to commit to this mission?

(A window pops up with the options "Yes," "No," and "Time Warp." A cursor passes the options but stops on the last one with someone saying Hmmmm…. But the cursor goes back up and selects "Yes.")

Jo: A possible suicide mission? Of course we'll commit.

Will: Those types have always been our surest bets.

Ackbar: That's reassuring to know. Go rest up and get whatever supplies you need before you disembark.

Tech. Off: Take this coupon as well. It will grant you a 75% discount at the shops while you're here.

(A message pops up saying "You obtained Coupon!")

Stan: Sweet!

Jo: Okay gang: Let's go shopping!

Jedi: Yippee!

(They leave. A considerable time later, all the Jedi are onboard the Century Sparrow as it glides through space, the cockpit jangling with adventurer gear)

Anna: I can't believe they were out of Phoenix Downs.

Rick: And wyrm killers. Those might have been useful.

Jo: But 2,000 creds worth of grossly discounted goods should give us the upper hand for whatever's waiting down there.

Squishy: Heads up: We're approaching the planet.

(Outside we see the ship draw steadily closer to a large planet of mountains, forests and lakes)

Sally: There's no dragons on radar, Dad.

Will: Good. Must've caught them napping.

Squishy: Hon, take us down to that cloud bank so we can cover our descent.

Sylvia: On it.

(They get closer to the planet. The aforementioned cloud bank shows roiling activity)

Will: Looks like there's a storm a-brewin'.

Stan: Meteorological sensors aren't picking up any signs of rain.

Squishy: Strange… Increase speed.

Sylvia: Okay.

Cope: Why?

Squishy: I hate waiting.

(They get closer)

Stan: Guys, I think there's something in those clouds.

Jo: Nothing to worry about.

(An alarm goes off)

Rick: That seems to disagree with you.

Sally: Holy moley! The radar's going crazy!

Squishy: But there's nothing there, unless—!

(Before them the cloud dissipates to reveal a giant mass of flying dragons, making all the Jedi gasp)

Sam Jackson: There's mutha-f**kin' dragons in the mutha-f**kin' atmosphere!

Anna: Oi! It's a mutha-f**kin' Sam Jackson on the mutha-f**kin' ship!

(Everyone screams before they plunge headlong into the dragon cloud. The ship rumbles violently as dragons of all kinds whip around it in a flurry. Suddenly a great yellow dragon busts its head and neck through the ship's roof and grabs the top half of Sam Jackson in its jaws. The celebrity gives muffled wails and tries to break out)

Sam: Jackson: It's eating me! A mutha-f**kin' dragon is Eating Me!

(The dragon pulls out of the ship with its catch. The Jedi begin scrambling around the interior as more alarms go off)

Sally: Too many bogeys to count!

Stan: Why do we need this many proximity alarms? It's too loud!

Jo: Every stud for himself!

Cope: Get a grip, people! Sylvia, get us out of this mess pronto!

Sylvia: Already on it! (After some tilting) Okay. We're starting to stabilize and the dragons are thinning out.

JonTron: Praise Jee-sus!

Squishy: Alright. Get us to cruising speed and lets start looking for a point of interest. I'll handle the driving for now.

(Everyone relaxes a bit)

Will: That was pretty hairy for a sec.

Jo: Hoo, you bet. But like I said before, there's nothing to wor—

(A green dragon splatters across the front view ports, blotting it out with guts and gore)

Jedi: AAAAAAAHHH!

(Windshield wipers wipe across the mess but just makes it worse)

Sylvia: Squishy, you forgot to put in more wiper fluid!

Squishy: (Shakes fist) God-D**n Laziness!

(The ship shakes and alarms go off again)

Stan: The engine blew out! WE'RE GOING DOWN!

Rick: Now's a pretty good time to start worrying. Also, BRACE YOURSELVES!

(They all start screaming as we see the ship plummet in a sharp angle before all goes black and we hear an explosion)

* * *

So quiet, so empty…

Except, someone's here.

Orange hair, green clothes, pale skin.

Smiling at me.

Who is that?

_Hey. You gotta go._

Urgent, but friendly.

_Everyone is waiting for you. Things can't continue without you._

There's a sadness to it.

And, it's so weird...

_You have to wake up._

It sounds tired and resigned.

But at the same time… so young.

_Hey, are you listening?_

_Can you hear me?_

_**SQUISHY!**_

Squishy: B-Bwuh?

(Awakens to find himself turned all about himself on the ruptured cockpit floor with sparks and smoke filling the air over him. The collision alarm is going off, and he can hear others coughing and moving about)

Sylvia: Squishy, are you alright?

Squishy: Y-yeah, just fine. Groggy, but fine.

Cope: Get your lazy butt moving before this whole thing goes up in flames or explodes.

Squishy: Right, yeah. Coming. (Begins to move)

* * *

(We see the wreckage of the Century Sparrow at the end of a box canyon. It is torn and bent beyond recognition, with smoke pouring out of it. Nearby, the Jedi stumble and crawl from the wreckage, catching their breath and putting some distance from the wreck)

Stan: (Crawling) Ugh… I can't feel my legs…

Cope: They're fine.

(Kicks him softly, making him wince. Sally comes over to help him up)

Jo: Good thing I landed on my hair or I would've been real messed up.

Will: You make an awesome safety cushion, Jo.

Sara: Yeah.

Jo: That was you holding onto my waist? Yikes.

Squishy: Ohhhhhhhh. My poor, precious Sparrow 2.0. Never to fly again, but, (sniff) it had a good run.

Rick: Pity it couldn't keep our supplies safe. So much waste.

Sylvia: At least we're still alive, honey. And that's most important.

Rick: Hm, that's right.

(Anna comes stomping over to Squishy)

Anna: Dude! You splattered a dragon!

Squishy: Yeah, it came out of nowhere. Those things move ridiculously fast.

Anna: You splattered a dragon.

Sally: Yes, and luckily we can still walk, unlike that thing.

Anna: You. Splattered. A. Freakin'. Dragon!

Squishy: Uhhhh, why are you so hung up about that? I'm telling you, it caught me by surprise. S**t happens.

Anna: You splattered a—!

Jo: Chill, Anna. Repetition isn't going to work with this one.

(Anna starts sulking)

Anna: But _I_ wanted to splatter a dragon...

Sylvia: Any idea where we are, anyone?

(Will pulls out a BlackBerry)

Will: It appears we're in a canyon of some kind.

Sara: No duh.

Stan: Would be nice if mission objectives or directions were on there.

Will: Actually there are. We were supposed to make landfall about a mile outside a place of concentrated energy which, according to this, "could be a potential rallying point."

Rick: Does it say where we are right now in relation to the target?

Will: Let me check. (Pushes some buttons) Oooh. It says we're about 110 miles off-target.

Anna: 110 miles!?

Sally: That's a lot of walking.

Jo: It can't be so bad. That thing can give us directions to it, right?

Will: No: it's only a one-time plot device.

(The BlackBerry sprouts wings and flies off)

Anna: That's just great! We're lost, over a hundred miles from wherever we need to be, and our ship is trashed due to divine retribution over Squishy splattering a dragon INSTEAD OF ME!

Jedi: Get Over It Anna! SHEESH!

Rick: Besides, complaining isn't going to get the job done. Hoofing it is where it's at right now.

Jo: He's right. Pull yourselves together and let's move. We could make it out of this canyon before nightfall if we go now.

Sally: But the fire feels so warm.

Stan: Uh, Sal, there is no fire.

Cope: Sal's getting delusional already. Swell.

Jo: Even more reason to go. Come on.

(They all move out. After a bit they walk down a narrow path with tall rock walls on each side)

Squishy: It's starting to get tight in here.

Jo: That's what she—

Anna: Jo for the love of God you finish that sentence I'll rip your face off and use it to shine my boots cuz they need some serious cleaning right now!

Sylvia: Why are you so tense, Anna?

Anna: Because this whole dang thing is off to a crappy start, and it's way too dusty here.

Cope: She's just tired. It's been twenty minutes of straight, uneven walking, and this is usually her nap time.

Anna: I'm nowhere near old enough to get cranky!

Sara: You totally are.

Will: If we focus on moving instead of complaining we can be out of here and likely find a place to set camp.

Stan: That'd be good. My legs are starting to ache.

Rick: Baby.

Stan: Am not.

(There's a distant roar)

Jo: Great, now Anna's hungry as well.

Anna: What makes you assume that Jo, huh?!

Sylvia: Please guys, stop fighting.

(Another roar)

Squishy: There it goes again.

Anna: It's not my stomach if that's what you're getting at!

Stan: I'm getting a baaad feeling about this.

(Suddenly two large objects land before them with a great rumble. It's a pair of yellow dragons with big teeth and small wings. They look at the Jedi with hungry looks and begin approaching them)

Rick: You just had to say that.

Jo: Okay guys, don't panic. Just slowly move backwards and stay cool. (They slowly step back from the dragons, who follow just as slowly) Run for the ship!

(They do an about face, only for two more yellow dragons to drop down and block their escape)

Sara: Oh come on!

Sally: Heh heh heh heh, nice dragons…

Cope: Guess we're gonna have to fight our way out.

Anna: Good! Okay you scale bags, prepare to taste the full brunt of my frustra—!

?: I smell quuuuuuuary!

(Suddenly the two new dragons are tossed into the air and fly over the other two. Then there's a gray and orange blur as a hulking figure zips past the Jedi and rams back the other two dragons out of sight. "Protecting My Devotion" from Final Fantasy IX plays as we hear roarings, slashings and somebody greatly enjoying himself)

?: Ha ha ha! Is that the best you can do? Try harder! And you missed! Have some more of my steel! Oh man this never gets old! Ya ha!

(The Jedi listen to this with great curiosity. After a while the only thing that's heard are pained roars and severed flesh. The Jedi finally move forward and soon come upon the scene of the massacre. The canyon walls and floor are spattered with gory, crimson and yellow dragon bits. Standing amidst the carnage is a figure of great, broad stature wearing large dark gray armor. One of the person's arms is raised up, revealing an arm clad in a huge bracer, with a flaming blade sticking out of it. It retracts into the shield, and we also see the figure also has long blonde hair)

Will: Whoa… Messy.

?: Hur? Who said that?

(He turns around to reveal a shocking surprise: The figure has the face and horns of a dragon, with orange scales for skin)

Squishy: Yah! Another one!

Dragon Thing: What? Me? Another wha—Oh! You think I'm a dragon. Heh, I get that all the time. But let me assure you, I'm not one of those beasts at heart.

Anna: Then what are you and why the freak do you look like that and who said you could come in and steal our kills?

D. Thing: First off, the name's Gray. I also go by the title "Dragon Slayer". I hail from a little game called Atelier Iris 2. Ever heard of it? (They shake their heads) No? None of you? It's not surprising: Not too many people know about it. Anyways, secondly, I didn't see your names on these dragons. And thirdly, the reason I look like this is because… wait, hold on. (Spots Sally and gasps) Dragon!

(He brandishes his arm blades and rushes her)

Sally: Eeek!

(In a flash a lightsaber from Rick intercepts the attacking blade and holds it still)

Gray: Wha?

Rick: If you want to keep that arm, you better back up and never get this close to my sister ever again.

Gray: Your sister? Huh? (Notices Rick's claw hand) Bwah! What the heck!? (Disengages and backs up, looking shaken) W-what are you people?!

Jo: Calm down, Gray. We're Jedi.

Gray: What's a Jedi?

Squishy: Just think warriors with magic powers.

Gray: And they include dwarves like yourself?

Squishy: Thanks for saying that, but I'm actually a Jawa.

Sylvia: Who also happens to be my husband, bub.

Gray: (Mortified) YOUR HUSBAND?! W-W-W-W-WHAA?!

Anna: Enough with the yelling; I'm getting a migraine! You, Gray, whatever you are, finish answering our questions and we'll answer yours, capisce?

Gray: Uh, er, I don't know if I can trust you people.

Sara: Oh come on. Would somebody as cute as me want to bring you harm? (Gives a sweet smile)

Gray: Well… alright. I suppose we could talk for a bit. Now, the reason I look like a dragon is because of some kind of curse. You see, I'm not called "Dragon Slayer" for nothing. I spend every day of my existence slaying dragons wherever they are, as you could probably figure based on what I did here.

Will: We can see. That must've been some tussle.

Gray: Eh, it was nothing. As I was saying, I slayed so many dragons that at some point I took on the form of one. Pretty shocking at first, but I also got dragon powers too, so it balances out.

Jo: Uh-huh. Now, you said you were from some game. How'd you get here?

Gray: Pretty weird, really. I was just fighting dragons in Belkhyde like I always do when this portal thing opened up in the air. The dragons I was fighting got sucked up along with me, though no other nearby monsters got sucked in with us. When I came to, I found myself here in this canyon with dragons everywhere. For a while I thought I died and gone to heaven, but unless you happen to be dead yourselves, then I'm somewhere far from home. Umm, would you happen to know what this somewhere is, by any chance?

Anna: We certainly do.

Sylvia: But we should explain a few things first. You know, so you won't try attacking us again.

Gray: Yeah, you owe me some serious explanations, like what this whole sister-brother, husband-wife thing is about.

Squishy: We'll start from the beginning then. It'll take some time, so we'll have an expert condense it. Narrator?

* * *

_And so they explained to the confused Gray as succinct an explanation as possible. They introduced themselves, explained their duties and achievements (as well as the nature of space travel), the Force, and finally the union of Squishy and Sylvia, whereupon—_

* * *

(Gray is seen on the ground vomiting madly while the Jedi look on)

Gray: Ah man! What the h**l?!

Cope: That was our exact reaction to it.

Jo: It only gets worse: The lizard people you tried to slaughter are their kids.

Gray: Kids? Then that would suggest… Oh Gods!

(Continues to vomit more. After a while Gray stands back up)

Will: You okay, man?

Gray: Stay the h**l away from me! I'm getting out of here right now! It's more horrible than I could've imagined.

Sylvia: Mr. Gray, please calm down. It's not as depraved as it sounds.

Gray: You are sick twisted whatevers, and I say d*** your talk! I'm not going to associate myself with disgusting crossbreeds like yourselves!

Stan: Hey! We have feelings you jerk!

Sally: You're so mean!

Gray: I'm just telling it as it is! If anything, I'd be doing a saint's work by putting you abominations down right now! (Brandishes blades)

Rick: You want a fight ya b****rd? Then let's dance!

(Busts out saber, but Sara comes between them)

Sara: Boys boys boys! Can't we just quit the machismo and name-calling here?

Gray: Get out of the way; this is between me and the freak!

Rick: I'm gonna ram that tail of yours down your throat for calling me that!

Sylvia: ENOUGH! (Everything rumbles, making the two stop) Richter, put away that lightsaber. And Mr. Gray, I don't appreciate you being so hostile toward us, when we've been nothing but cordial to you and gave you the explanation you wanted.

Stan: Yeah!

Gray: B-But, you're… you're just…

Will: Look at it this way: Are these guys really so bad if they're a part of our crew of galactic peacekeepers?

Gray:...

Sally: Hey, Mr. Gray? I know I called you mean, but you're probably all stressed and wigged out from being in a strange place. I'd probably be freaking out too if I got dumped someplace where, ohh, rats and people lived together. But if you'll hear us out some more, then you'll see we're nothing to freak out about.

Cope: Plus it's ten to one in our favor, so it's your call.

Gray: …I've faced greater odds, but alright. Dragons usually attack on sight, so that's a point in your favor. And stubborn though I am, I am willing to listen. So, what do you have to say?

* * *

_Thus Squishy, Sylvia, and their kids went into further detail about themselves, sharing their personal traits, backgrounds, and the many trials they faced that sought to tear them apart. They mentioned the schemes of the Contractor, the cruelties of the Financer, and even the lengths they had gone to in rescuing Squishy from the Accountant. All these tales softened the wary Gray, inevitably convincing him of the humanity these crossbreeds held. When the family finished telling their side of things..._

* * *

Gray: Hrmm… You two really care for each other.

Sylvia: Absolutely. And no one, not even gods, can break us apart.

Squishy: We're just that devoted to one another.

Gray: Clearly. And as for you three, uh, guys. I suppose I was a massive hypocrite judging you by looks alone.

Sally: Told ya: We're like anyone else.

Rick: Save a few… quirks.

Gray: Mmhm. Listen, I want to apologize for calling you freaks and acting like I did. I'm normally more relaxed, but I haven't been with people for a long time and, as you put it, being in this place has put me on serious edge. I defaulted to slaying dragons as a way of getting a grip.

Anna: Eh, understandable. I used to engage in mass slaughters whenever I was feeling out of sorts. Back when I was more wild and free…

Cope: (Murmur) The "not wild" part is debatable.

Gray: With that said, can ya forgive me? I feel bad for how I behaved and I know better now, but I understand if you don't want anything to do with me after what I said and tried to do to you.

Stan: You seem calmed down enough, so I guess we could give you a break. How bout you, Rick?

Rick: Hmmm… You still acted like an a**-hole. Then again, I suppose everyone else was one when they first heard about Mom and Dad.

Sally: I say that's a yes on the forgiveness!

Jedi: Hooray!

Gray: I much appreciate it. How bout we start over and try being buddies, if you're cool with that.

Will: Sure thing. I can respect a man who can heft around weapons as cool as those.

Sara: It's good finding someone friendly so soon after arriving here, as well.

Squishy: Despite a rough start.

Jo: So basically, you're cool with us.

(Victory music plays)

Gray: That's great to hear. Anyway, I guess I'll be off and out of your way. Safe travels, friends.

Sally: Why do you want to leave? We've barely had time to get to know each other… or rather, we barely got to know you.

Gray: Well, it's just, things started off a all awkward and I don't wanna, um, make it worse?

Squishy: It's all fine, forgive and forget. We wouldn't mind you coming with us. You've been looking for a way out of this canyon, right?

Gray: Actually, I've been too busy killing dragons to think about getting back home. Hurr, that's actually a serious concern.

Cope: Well there's nothing back the way we came except a smoldering, busted spaceship.

Jo: How about this, Gray: you come tag along, provide some added help, and that way you got some company to keep you from going stir crazy again, as well to further make amends to us. We might even be able to help you get back home as a bonus.

Gray: I don't know…

Will: You know, where we're going, there's bound to be hordes of increasingly difficult dragons.

Gray: What? Tougher dragons? Why hadn't I considered that? Okay I'm in!

Anna: Coolies.

Gray: It's been a while since I got to go trekking with a group, anyway. Nothing like exploring with fellow adventurers, you know.

Jo: It just so happens there'll be lots of trekking on this venture, so you're in luck.

Gray: Awesome.

Cope: We're steadily losing daylight. Can we get moving again?

Jo: Sure, Alex. Let's get back to it.

(The Jedi and Gray leave the area. After some walking they reach a large, rock-laden, open area)

Gray: Huh, this is strange.

Sara: What is it?

Gray: There's usually one or more dragons around this place at any given time. I know this because this is one of my cool-down slaughter spots.

Cope: "Cool-down" slaughter spot?

Gray: And what's even stranger is that the bone pile I've made is gone as well.

?: So you're the slob that left that mess!

(The group looks around right as large pillars of flame pop out of the ground around them. The columns sprout along several lines that go toward an elevated rock, upon which in a great fiery burst a tall figure busts onto the scene. Standing atop the rock before the Jedi is a dragon robot/android of red and white and wearing a necklace of large beads)

Thing: God I love making an entrance!

Sally: Who the...?

Thing: Witness before you the hottest Reploid in all existence! (Poses) The leanest of machines! The sizzling sentinel! The captivating cyborg! The sex bomb of automatons! I'm talkin' about the original, poser-free D-unit that is me: Magma Dragoon!

(Strikes another pose, causing fountains of sparklers to shoot from his sides)

Cope: Wait a minute. You're from Mega Man X4!

Magma: Correct-a-mundo, toothpick. The most memorable boss from that game, with the wits and savvy to stay many steps ahead of my quarry.

Squishy: You know, I can't recall ever seeing you back on Mon Calamari during that conflict.

Magma: That's cuz I stayed behind. While Sigma went on with the other suckers for false glory, I remained in our world to take all the notoriety where it's at. Besides, there's no better way to earn rep points than to be the last major baddie standing.

Rick: Hmph. Sounds more like cowardice to me.

Magma: Say what you want, Mr. Try-To-Be-Serious-With-A-Cloak-And-Is-Totally-Jealous-Of-Me.

Will: If it was so good back home, why are you here raising all this noise and pyrotechnics?

Magma: Because I can. Along with my repertoire of kung-fu, I also have ninja powers. I can teleport anywhere, anytime: All the better to trip up my foes! (Group looks unconvinced) All right, I didn't come here of my own free will, but I still have ninja powers!

Sara: Then how did you get here?

Magma: Geez Louise you skin bags ask too many d**n questions! It's all answer this and explain that and all that crap; why can't you just be in awe of my magnificence! Well if you must know I don't fully recall how I got here. I was just about to face X in my volcano lair when zap!, I end up here, with all these dragons! Sure, they were moderately challenging, but flesh of any kind doesn't cut it. To save you the trouble of asking another dumb question, killing dragons gets dull quick and I'm attacking you because I demand variety! You're all fleshy, but you're people, and people have brains, brains equals thinking, which makes you tenacious and therefore more fun to hunt. It takes cunning and skill to slaughter the likes of humans, so you guys have been chosen for my amusement. There. Any MORE questions?

Anna: Just one: Are you usually this whiny a b***h where you're from?

Magma: Why you..! That's enough questions! I'm giving you punks two minutes to find a good hiding spot before I waste you right here and now!

Gray: Hold on. You said you've been killing dragons. That makes ya a dragon slayer, correct?

Magma: Hey now what the freak izzat?! Some kind of cosplayer? Oh, I see. Haven't even been here a week and already posers are lining up to take my throne. Well tough, big guy, because reinforced bio-steel trumps biomatter every time, son!

Gray: Hey, I'm no poser. If anything, you're the one muscling in on my turf.

Magma: Watcha gonna do about it, gramps? Wag a finger and try to rattle off some dusty threats with your over-sized fool mouth?

Gray: I was thinking we just fight to decide which of us is the real slayer here.

Magma:...You're serious?

Gray: Dead serious. (Brandishes arm blades) Because I'm a good "old" sport, I'll let you land the first blow. You better make it count, because I won't hold back after—

(In a flash Magma zips up to Gray and starts wailing on him Street Fighter-style. He finishes this quick pounding with a flying dragon punch, followed by a knock-off fire Hadouken. This sends Gray flying to the other end of the clearing, where he blasts deep into the rock wall. Magma leaps back to his previous spot atop the rock)

Magma: I hate it when people talk cheap like that, y'know.

Sally: Hey! No one goes beating up our new friend like that!

(Whips out saber, followed by the others)

Magma: Huh-wha? Lightsabers? Then that means… YOU'RE JEDI?! YAA! You scrapped my robo-homies with those things! Of all the people I didn't want to face it just had to be you guys!

Anna: Not so tough and cocky now, are ya?

Rick: Seems you're the one talking cheap.

Sally: Burn!

Magma: Grr, I admit I'm no match against all of you. But it's in times like these I keep some insurance on hand. Namely, this hostage!

(Reaches back and in one hand he holds a dangling… Samuel Jackson? Huh?)

Squishy: What the heck?

Sam Jackson: What did I tell your punk a** about yanking my collar? Put me back down!

Magma: You Jedi are do-gooders, right? If you don't want to see this civilian get fried, throw away your lightsabers and back up nice and slow.

Sam Jackson: (Calmly) I'm only going to say this once, so you better listen: Either put me the h*** down, or I'm gonna choke a b***h.

Magma: Shut up! Bargaining chips don't talk.

Sam Jackson: (Chuckles) You really don't know who you're trying to f*** with, do ya, kid?

Magma: Kid?!

?: Put that A-list celebrity down.

(Everyone turns in the direction of the voice. Standing not far from the scene is a man decked in tunic and leather, a small cloak slung over his shoulders. He's of semi-grand girth and height with a round, shaven chin, brown eyes, and short hair that shimmers brown and blonde at certain angles)

Cope: Who's that?

Man: Many things: Friend, foe, musician, drunk friend, drunk foe, drunk musician, you get the idea. It all depends on what's a-happenin', really.

Sylvia: What's with the hair?

Man: It's like this because I'm Irish.

(Gasps from Jedi)

Squishy: An Irelander...

Will: I thought they were extinct.

Magma: Irish? Ha! Sucks to be you!

Man: You got a problem with the divine emerald?

Magma: Nothing, except where I come from your place is a cesspool of robotic erotica. Oh the things they do there.

Man: So? I can see no wrong. Men have the right to stick their things in whatever they find pleasurable, and women too I suppose. It's all good in my book.

Magma: What, you gay or sumthin'?

Man: Sometimes. Wanna hook up, find someplace quiet? I never had robot dragon before.

Magma: H**l no! F**k you!

Man: Gladly. Actually, I'm afraid I'll have to rescind my offer. You got a movie star in your grip and he's a particular friend of mine.

Magma: Like a lover?

Sam Jackson: Oh H****** no! I don't even know who that guy is.

Man: Don't get the wrong idea: I have far too much respect for your body of work to make that sort of move. You see, Sammy my bud, I just stopped by cuz I saw you were in need of rescuing. And I'm gonna do that by kindly asking Mr. Dragoon here to let you go.

Sam Jackson:...Are you for real?

Magma: How do you know my name?

Man: Let's just say I'm a chronicler of sorts.

Magma: Well whatever you are, I'm not giving up my catch because some fat weirdo tells me to!

Man: I'll ignore the insult, though I'll ask one more time: Unhand Mr. Jackson, or I'll have to use force. (Draws out a kick-a** broad sword)

Magma: What is the deal with all these concealed weapons already? Everybody's packin' heat of some sort and God what happened to belt holsters or whatever?

Man: Hmf, for all your flair, I didn't take you to be such a whiner.

Magma: Alright, talking's done: Now I'm PISSED! (Tosses away Sam Jackson and leaps at man. He swipes, but sees no one) Huh? Whoa!

(Leaps away before the man brings down his sword onto the spot he was standing on)

Magma: How'd you do that?!

Man: I'm like the wind: I break when the moment's right.

Magma: That doesn't make sense!

(They continue fighting. Magma throws in his kung-fu and unleashes fire pillars, but the stranger moves deftly out of harm's way and counters with some swift sword swipes. Eventually Magma is backed near one of the exits.)

Magma: Okay, you wanna raise the heat, then I'll just broil yer a**!

(He stands firm and his wing stubs stick out. He charges a bit, and then unleashes a massive fire ball that consumes the stranger in flames)

Magma: HA! I done roasted me some haggis! Flawless victory yet again! (Raises a victory fist)

Man: Haggis is Scottish, dips***.

(Magma stares dumbfoundedly at the man crouching unhurt in the center of a large patch of scorched earth. Not one speck of ash on him, however his sword has a bright red glow to it)

Man: Catch! (Pulls back sword) Fire BRAND!

(Swings, sending out a large fire wave from his blade that hits Magma, burning him to a crispy black. Then in a flash the man rushes past to deliver a lightning-quick slash. Magma splits in half at the waist, his upper torso spinning upward)

Magma: D*** husky leprechaun!

(Erupts into explosions that culminate into one great blinding blast, leaving no remains. The man twirls his sword and slides it into a sheath on his back)

Man: Groovy.

(The Jedi come over)

Stan: Holy crap that was awesome!

Sylvia: Who are you?

Man: Lannius Drasec, my lady. Lann for short. I'm big, agile, enjoy walks by the lake and have a Master's in kicking a**es. I also do logging in my free time just for the workout.

Sara: Oh it certainly works out for you... (Ogles)

Will: Uhhhh, Sara...?

Will: So you're some freelance swordsman?

Lann: No. Officially I'm a Dragon Scholar. Dragon fanatic is a more fitting moniker, though. I eat, sleep, breathe, and wallow in any and all types of dragon-related material.

Rick: And what sort of scholar knows how to swing a magic sword like that?

Lann: I've said enough about myself for now. Maybe when I'm not so busy I'll tell you more.

Sally: We could at least introduce ourselves—

Lann: You're the Jedi. I am fully aware of all your deeds. I also know that the Jawa there banged that Ssi-Ruuk and had those kids there, which is more than a-okay in my book, given my preferences.

Cope: How do you know so much about us, or rather them?

Lann: I live in the same galaxy as you, duh.

Cope: Oh. Really?

Jo: So what the frick are you doing here?

Lann: Should be obvious: I'm here to study dragons. A planet loaded with them popping onto the scene is not an opportunity to be missed. It's as big and miraculous a windfall as a bacta lake sprouting up in the middle of a hemophiliac camp.

Squishy: I have to say, you seemed to know Magma's moves pretty well with how you dodged him.

Lann: Aye. I am well-versed in the realm of dragon studies, so I know just about every dragon in existence.

Sally: Every single one?

Lann: That's right. European, Chinese, video game, television, book, you name it. If it has scales, wings and breathes fire, then I'm all over it… in every meaning of the phrase.

Sylvia: That's pretty impressive.

Cope: And kinda gross.

Rick: Pretty niche information, ie fairly worthless in everyday matters.

Lann: Indeed, but the time for validation has finally come!

(Gray stumbles over)

Gray: God my head… Where's that good-for-nothing wannabe slayer?

Lann: I dealt with him. You must be Gray. Sorry I couldn't have come here sooner to stop your pounding, but you dragon types are pretty thick-skinned.

Gray: Who's this guy?

Sara: This is Lann. He sliced that robot's butt while you were out.

Gray: How do you know my name? Have I seen you somewhere?

Lann: No, but I know a bit about you.

Gray: Like some bounty hunter?

Lann: No, I'm not here to slay: I'm here to learn. While also occasionally defending myself when need be. Anyway, though I'd like to talk some more, there's more dragons afoot down this canyon. I can smell it.

Sara: Hey, why don't you come with us?

Lann: Pardon?

Sara: You know, see this planet with us, help us out.

Jo: Sara what are you doing? That's not cool.

Sara: What's the problem, Jo?

Anna: Yeah, what's up?

Jo: Group huddle! (Huddle together) You too! (Nabs Gray)

Gray: Waah!

(In the huddle)

Anna: Why are we doing this?

Jo: Sara, you don't go asking people to join us like that! We have to be cool with them first!

Sara: But we are cool with him, right? He seems pretty nice.

Will: Nice enough for you to make googly eyes at.

Sara: What's wrong with that? I don't call you out when I catch you staring at other girls.

Will: Yes you do.

Sara: Only to tease.

Rick: Back on track, the guy knows his way around a sword.

Sally: And can cast magic, so that'd be really helpful!

Sylvia: Plus a dragon expert could give us an upper hand against whatever we come across.

Gray: I'm not one for competition, but he can hold his own very well, like this one guy I know back home. The more the merrier, so long as he doesn't get in my way.

Squishy: We should totally let him come with us.

Jo: I don't know. There's something about him I just don't like.

Cope: Same here.

Anna: Well I say we take him in, and I speak for both me and my beau.

Cope: Whoops. Sorry, Jo.

Sylvia: He seems quite the gentleman to me.

(Outside the huddle, Lann looks at his reflection in his sword)

Lann: Hey there, stud. You hit pay dirt now. First all these dragons and now some fine female company. My god you're a sexy beast!

(Back in the huddle)

Squishy: So we're set on taking this guy with us.

Stan: No objections here.

Anna: Sounds pretty unanimous, Jo.

Jo: Ehhhhhhh, fine. But I say keep an eye on him.

(They break up and face Lann)

Jo: Alright, the group has decided. You can come with us if you want.

Lann: Ah, well, I should've mentioned that I usually work alone. Then again, you being the Jedi and all, I should consider the invitation a huge honor. So sure, I'll tag along.

Jo: Alright. Now, there's some ground rules. First, I'm the group leader, so you better do what I say. And second, you'll be expected to do your share of heavy lifting whenever it's needed, so don't expect a luxury safari.

Lann: Understood. I can be a "team" player for a while.

Will: Most importantly, keep your hands off my girl if you wanna keep your fingers intact.

Sara: Will!

Lann: Have no worries, Will. That thought has never crossed my mind. (Victory music plays) So what's first on the agenda, leader?

Squishy: We were looking to get out of this canyon—

Sam Jackson: Ugghhh… godd***….

Stan: What was that? Oh wait, that Samuel Jackson guy is still here, right?

Anna: I completely forgot about him.

Lann: Might I suggest we check on him before anything else?

Jo: Sure, let's do that.

(They go over to the rock. Sitting on the ground is a groggy Sam Jackson)

Sara: You okay, Mr. Jackson?

Sam Jackson: Do I look alright to you? I only came here to do a quick cameo, then some scaly-a** mutha-f**ker eats me, and suddenly I end up getting manhandled by some loudmouth punk. I was about two seconds away from whooping his a** with all that s*** he was spewing.

Lann: Well you should be happy to know that he won't be a nuisance to us or anyone anymore.

S. Jackson: Small f***in' consolation, pal. For whatever reason I can't teleport out of here like any other cameo, meaning I'm stuck here on some backwaters h***-hole. So in summation, this really isn't my f***ing day.

Squishy: That's really odd. Guess there's more going on with this planet than just dragons if it's keeping you in here.

Cope: All the more reason to hurry up and find a way OFF this planet.

Sara: But what about Mr. Jackson? We can't just leave him.

Sally: We could take him along.

Jo: Do we look like a celebrity escort service?

Sam Jackson: And what makes you think I want to come along? You're part of the reason I'm stuck here, plus you got talkin' velociraptors and whatever the h**l that guy is. (Points at Gray)

Gray: For your information, pal, it's rude to harshly judge someone you just met.

Sally: Ummmm...

Lann: If I may offer some input? You can't deny the sheer combat effectiveness that could be offered by having the one and only Samuel "Mother-F**king" Jackson on the team. And Sammy, while I have no doubts that you can hold your own out here, you'll probably be so bogged down fighting dragons you won't have time to find a way back home. These Jedi are good people, and undoubtedly have a set destination in mind that will benefit all of us. Plus, I'm a huge fan of yours, and I'll happily defend your life with mine should the need arise.

Sam Jackson: That part's slightly concerning, but I guess you people look pretty normal for the most part. Plus you got me away from that whack-a** robot, so I suppose I owe you.

Lann: So you want in?

Sam Jackson: Sure, at least until I find a way outta this dimension. (Victory music plays)

Lann: Über. Now, you Jedi said you were looking for the canyon exit? I believe it's that way, so let's get hustling. Right this way, Mr. Jackson.

(He leaves, followed by Jackson, Gray and most of the Jedi)

Anna: Finally, we're getting somewhere.

Jo: Who told him he can do my job of giving orders?

Cope: Gotta admit: He's got the charisma of a leader.

Rick: Rather pitiful on your end, Jo.

Jo: Shut up.

(They all leave the open area and enter another narrow crevasse)

Will: We're three more strong and moving along. I say things have really improved considering how it started, eh guys?

Sam Jackson: Hey, I wanna know something real quick. How is it that raptors can talk here?

Sylvia: It's because we're actually Ssi-Ruu. It's a race of sapient reptiles capable of speech and innovation, just like humans.

Sam Jackson: Uh-huh. Pretty weird but, space and all that jazz. Now why is it that those two have five fingers on each hand instead of three, and why's that one wearing robes? He got a skin condition?

(Everyone gives uncomfortable looks)

Jo: Yeeeeeah. Squish, Sylv, you explain it again.

Squishy: Of course. You see, Mr. Jackson…

(Raise camera high above the canyon where we see nothing but sky, then)

**WHAT THE F**K?!**

(After a relatively short period of time, we return to the group, with Sam Jackson looking a tad queasy. Suddenly)

Sara: I think I see the exit.

Stan: The light! I see the light!

Sally: Come on let's go!

(They hurry toward the opening. They run out onto a big open cliff with the canyon walls at their backs. The Jedi and their guests gaze upon what's in front of them)

Jedi: Wooow!

(We get a vast panoramic view of a lush landscape of endless forests, some mountain peaks and a great lake, all beneath a blazing setting sun, creating a magnificent scene)

_And before them was a land of unparalleled natural beauty, wild and expansive. Within this land a great secret waited to be uncovered: One that would resolve this latest galactic crisis. Thus was the mindset of the Jedi at seeing this primal scene, and accompanied by the likes of a Dragon Slayer, a Dragon Scholar, and one of a Dragon Soul, they would embark on a journey of mystery, discovery, adversity, and self-understanding. And so begins their longest story yet._

**Adventures on Draconia**


	5. Episode 2 Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**First Descent**

_The vista before them was incomparable to just about any other in the galaxy. However, there was a mission to accomplish, and sightseeing would have to wait._

* * *

Sara: It's so breathtaking…

Lann: Yep. It's quite the sight.

Gray: Marveling aside, I figure that forest is where we should be headed. Question is, how do we get down there?

Will: That is indeed a good question.

Lann: Hold up: I spy with my eye a downward slope over yonder. (Show slope over to their far left) By my reckoning, if we head for it now we'll reach the forest by nightfall, where we can set up camp under some much-needed cover.

Sylvia: Sounds like a plan.

Jo: (Mumbles) One that I should've said…

Sara: Huh?

Jo: (Out loud) Okay gang, we better move if we wanna have enough light to tell left from right. C'mon.

Squishy: O-kay!

(The group moves to the left and begin their trek. For a while they're walking casually along at their own paces. At the back, Sam Jackson looks wary and uneasy. Lann walks up beside him)

Lann: Yo Sammy, you feeling alright? You've been awfully quiet for a while now.

Sam Jackson: It's just too messed up here. A midget and a raptor having kids. I don't care how normal they act, that s*** just isn't natural.

Lann: Hey, nobody said it was. But isn't it natural for those truly in love to overcome any barrier, race not excluded?

Sam Jackson: Still some freaky twisted s**t.

Lann: Eh, you'll get over it. Everybody else did. (Leaves him)

Sam Jackson: You people putting up with stuff like this… no wonder my agent kept me from doing more cameos here.

(They keep walking. Sometime later, another conversation arises)

Gray: So Rick, what's the deal with the robe? Why do you wear it but your brother and sister don't?

Rick: I was born wearing this robe. It's part of my identity.

Gray: Huh, interesting. Um, dumb question but, do you bathe in that thing?

Rick: …..That's the only time I take it off.

Gray: Ah, of course. But, probably another dumb question, have you ever thought of not wearing it for a while? Or is there something you want kept covered up?

Rick: It's a sensitive subject. Something I'm still working out.

Gray: I see. Sorry for my prying, but I can relate. I didn't want anyone seeing me after I took on this form at first, so I stayed indoors or kept myself covered up whenever I went out in public. I was certain that if someone saw my big scaly hand, they would have reacted the same way I did when I first saw yours.

Rick: It's a natural gut reaction when you see something so drastically alien. At least you had the courtesy to stay and listen.

Gray: Yeah, and sorry again about bad talking your lineage... and the over-dramatic vomiting.

Rick: It's alright. Those things are fairly standard when it comes to us.

(Meanwhile)

Sally: Walking, walking, walking-walking-walking, walking, walking—

Cope: Sal, please stop singing. It's annoying.

Anna: Or at least mix it up a little. You write your own songs, right?

Sally: Of course I do! But I just want some super casual walking music, something that's easy on the vocal chords. Singing with effort is very tiring, you know.

Cope: Then how about settling for humming, quietly, and to yourself?

Sally: Okay!

(She proceeds to hum away. After some more walking Lann raises a hand)

Lann: Hold. My dragon sense is tingling… Follow.

(Lann silently strides forward, followed by the others. He unsheathes his sword when they reach a tall rock and stops there. Low growling can be heard)

Squishy: A dragon?

Stan: Sounds like it's sleeping.

Gray: You know, I'm not above killing a dragon in its sleep.

Lann: Not so fast. First we got to assess the threat before we do anything.

Jo: I was just about to say that.

(Lann pokes his head around the rock, followed by the heads of the others. Not too far from them in a small alcove is a large dragon at rest. Scales of shiny, brilliant sapphire cover its great neck, head, four legs, and even its two folded wings. The dragon just lays there awake, its head on the ground and looking mopey and sad)

Lann: (Quiet) Hey there, beautiful.

Sara: Yeah?

Will: He's talking about the dragon, Sara. At least he better be.

Sylvia: I've never seen scales so shiny and smooth. Makes me wonder how I can get mine to shine like that.

Squishy: Oh please, your scales are still amazing to me. No need to worry about getting color enhancements or any of that hoopla.

Sylvia: Maybe I feel like trying something different. Have you considered that?

Squishy: I just don't see how you can improve perfection is all I'm saying, sweetie. Otherwise it's just a waste of time and money.

Sylvia: Ohhhh, I see. Watching out for your wallet again.

Squishy: No I'm being genuine: Your scales are absolutely div—

Cope: (Loudly) Can you two save your domestic squabbling for someplace more appropriate?

(The dragon looks over in their direction)

Stan: Cripes!

(They all duck away, with Will's hand reaching out to pull in a lingering Sam Jackson. Behind the rock)

Jo: Smooth move, Alex. Now we're gonna have a dragon on our butts.

Lann: That might not be the case. I have a pretty good idea of who that dragon is, but I can't be too sure just by looking. I'll have to get closer to confirm my suspicions.

Jo: How do you propose we do that, "expert"?

Lann: By "we" I hope you meant "I", because I'm doing this alone. If I'm right then we shouldn't get any trouble from this dragon. But if I am indeed _right_, then I'm the only qualified person who can approach them. That means you guys gotta wait while I'm gone.

Jo: As if!

Lann: I'm serious. If you go out there lightsabers a-swingin' or say the wrong things our lives could be put in jeopardy, hence the reason you all have to stay here and wait for me to get back. Until then, no matter what you hear, no matter how much I scream or beg, you are to STAY in this spot. Understand?

Jo: Yeah yeah yeah I got it, now just go already!

Lann: And that goes especially for you, Gray. Keep that killing instinct in check for our sakes.

Gray: (Nods) Sure sure.

Lann: Über. Just sit tight. It shouldn't be long. (Leaves)

**20 minutes later…**

(The group lounges around behind the rock, bored and restless)

Sam Jackson: How long it been since he left?

Rick: Fifteen minutes at least.

Gray: He must've got swallowed up. Man my slaying finger is itching like crazy.

Will: Guess he was a little _too_ certain of his qualifications.

Jo: Serves him right. Making plans and giving out orders, like he forgot what our agreement was in joining us. That goes to show how fatal overconfidence can be in the—

(Lann sneaks up)

Lann: Miss me?

Jo: Gah! (Jumps away) Ba-jingles, bout time you showed up!

Lann: Yeah, sorry for the wait. And I know I was overstepping myself, but I take my field of expertise very seriously.

Sylvia: So what did you find out? It was very quiet.

Lann: Oh, right, the thing I did. Turns out that my suspicions were right. That dragon is none other than Saphira of the Eragon Universe. If you read the book you'd know how fierce a warrior she can be.

Sam Jackson: A "she"?

Cope: If she's such a great warrior then why is she just laying about?

Sally: She looked sad.

Lann: Before I could find that out, I first had to lay some common ground between ourselves. I told her my credentials, then told her what I knew of her and even acknowledged some of her feats. She found it rather odd but amazing for someone like myself to know so much about her. I dare say I made quite the impression.

Jo: (Grunt) Showoff…

Lann: Once I proved to her that I was friendly, she told me that the last thing she remembered was that she and Eragon were fighting Galbatorix and his dragon when some portal appeared and sucked them out of the air. She awoke to find herself here, but with no Eragon. She's all melancholy because she misses him, as the bond between Rider and dragon is a very deep, spiritual one. Chances are that Eragon is feeling the same way right now, wherever he is.

Anna: Okay, I kinda sorta understood part of that.

Gray: Let's simplify things: Is the dragon open for slaying?

Lann: Gods no! Saphira is anything but the mindless berserkers you're used to chopping up! She's intelligent, sensitive, and means no harm to those who leave her alone. How could you not get that from all that I have said?

Gray: …..Huh….. No one's ever stood up to me over wanting to slay a dragon before… As in, an actual dragon. It's strange—

Jo: Where exactly is this back-and-forth going?

Lann: To this: Saphira is alright with us passing by. She's just been brooding this entire time from not seeing Eragon, or anyone for that matter.

Will: So we can finally move on.

Lann: Precisely, William.

Jo: Then let's go already! God! (Stomps off)

Lann: What's his problem?

Anna: He's fussy because you're treading on his leader turf, sweetheart. I mean, I'd probably be feeling more miffed if it was me, but it's funny seeing it happen to him.

Sam Jackson: Guy needs to chill out. You go bald quicker the longer you're angry.

Jo: (Far off) Grah!

(Group's caught off-guard by that shout)

Squishy: Moving on.

(They continue. At some point they're walking down a gentle slope path on the mountainside)

Gray: So that "Saphira" got here through a portal, just like me.

Stan: And that Magma guy. What's the deal with the portals?

Cope: Likely explains how all these dragon and dragon-like beings got here to begin with.

Sylvia: But who or what would want dragons to be here in the first place?

Squishy: Bowser summoned then originally, so the question is why. They straight up devoured him last we saw.

Rick: Doesn't explain why more keep appearing well after the fact.

Anna: All the more reason to shut our yaps and walk.

Cope: Good call.

Lann: Kinda a shame seeing Saphira like that. Such a pity we can't do anything; a dragon is truly lost without their Rider.

Anna: What did I just say?

Gray: Ehhh, I don't see how any sort of "bond" can be made with dragons. Where I'm from they're ruthless killing machines, preying on the weak and unprepared. Only good for slaying.

Lann: There's a surprising number of instances that beg to differ. Plus, this isn't your world.

Gary: (Huff) Don't I know it...

(The group eventually reaches a great, narrowing dirt slope leading down toward the forest edge)

Lann: Look alive. Our first rest stop is down there. Tread lightly.

Sam Jackson: I'll tread as heavily as I want, thank you very much.

Lann: Of course. Tread away, Mr. Jackson.

(They begin the descent. As they go down, Stan notices pebbles rolling past them)

Stan: Huh. (More pebbles roll past) Umm, guys? I'm getting a bad feeling.

Anna: Since when do you not when we're out on these missions?

Cope: Can we please not invoke any tropes that will inconvenience us?

(There's a slight tremor)

Will: Did you feel that?

Cope: Too late. Thanks a bunch, Stan.

Stan: Why am I the cause whenever I voice a legitimate concer—

(There's a steady rumble)

Anna: Now what?

Lann: We're not alone…

Rick: No s**t.

(There is more rumbling, then with a great blast a huge chunky beast launches out of the earth. With the general look of a massive brown Gila monster, the creature flies through the air screeching as its name appears: "Earth Wyrm". It hits the ground and burrows away as boss music from "Majora's Mask" plays)

Sam Jackson: What in the f***in' h*** was that?!

Sally: That couldn't have been a dragon just now.

Lann: Not all dragons have wings, but I never heard of this one.

Jo: So what should we do, expert?

Lann: I honestly can't say.

(The wyrm bursts from the ground again and burrows back, this time closer to the group)

Sam Jackson: Fat a**hole's getting dirt on me!

Lann: While I oppose senseless slaughter of dragons, I do allow for self-defense, and this one doesn't look cooperative or friendly.

Gray: Do I detect a permission to slay?

Lann: Yes, Gray. Slay away.

Gray: Ha ha! It's go time! (Brandishes arm blades and runs out) Okay vile earth serpent! Let's get it started out here! (Moves around the place trying to locate the buried fiend) Come out you pansy!

(The wyrm surfaces beneath Gray, blasting him a good ways off whilst yelling)

Rick: Well that's a letdown.

(The wyrm pops out of the ground and with several stomps it makes huge boulders drop from above to roll at the Jedi)

Jo: Rock and roll, baby!

(The Jedi whip out their sabers and cut through the boulders, but one goes for Sam Jackson)

Sam Jackson: Ah s***! (Will leaps in to slice the boulder) Oh thank the lord.

(Nearby, Lann raises his sword)

Lann: Gaia SHIELD!

(He drives the blade into the ground. A great earthen wall rises around the group, blocking the boulders)

Sally: Cooool.

Lann: We should be safe now. (The wall blasts apart with the wyrm behind it) Or maybe not.

(The wyrm swipes but Lann rolls away. The wyrm leaves him and advances on the others)

Will: (Hillbilly) That thing's comin' right for us!

Squishy: Sylvia! Attack formation!

(Sylvia runs past him, and Squishy leaps and lands on her back. The two stop by Jo, whereupon Squishy grabs his hair and stretches it out)

Jo: Dude my deux!

(Squishy stands atop Sylvia, holding back a very whip-like strand of hair)

Squishy: Eat obscure game reference! (He begins whipping at the wyrm with the hair) Get back! Get back!

(The wyrm trudges back, growling in frustration at his whipping before burrowing back into the ground. Squishy releases the hair, which snaps back into place on Jo's head)

Jo: What the freak did you do to my hair?

Squishy: Those preservative chemicals have all kinds of weird properties. You might want to double check the side effects.

(There's rumbling as the wyrm moves through the ground)

Lann: Wait, this has to be the wyrm's final attack. Get ready!

(They all ready their weapons, except Sam who just backs away. The wyrm finally erupts from the ground, flying at the group mouth wide open. But then something large snatches the wyrm in its jaws and rips it to shreds. The monstrosity tosses aside the dead beast, and now we see it's a massive decaying behemoth labeled "Zombie Dragon".)

Squishy: Whoaaa…

Sam Jackson: That is one ugly mother—

(The zombie dragon lets out a horrific screech as "Gohma Phase 2" from Wind Waker starts)

Lann: We can take this thing! Charge!

(He runs at the zombie, but it rears back and belches a wide green breath attack. Lann drops his sword and covers his mouth after being hit dead-on by the deathly mist)

Lann: Dear Christ! Ah dude! Sweet Jiminy Jumpin' Jesus that stuff's too rank! God it smells like Sasquatch's d**k! Oh f**k me sideways it's terrible! Cloff cloff cloff hurk hack gerk cloff gag…

(Keels over. The Jedi are unnerved by this)

Sara: Lann's down! What do we do?!

Cope: Fight of course! We're still more than enough for it. Cover us, Samuel Jackson!

Sam Jackson: H**l no I'm going nowhere near that f***in' thing! And that's "Samuel **L. **Jackson" to you, kid!

Jo: Relax already! He can't possibly hit all of us with that attack.

Rick: Not terribly reassuring there, Jo.

(The zombie dragon readies another breath attack)

Gray: Don't forget about me! (Leaping from a dirt pile comes the armored reptile man) No cheap shot ever kept me down for long!

Anna: Gray, watch that thing! It's got gnarly death breath!

Gray: Yeah, I can smell it from over here. (The zombie beast looks at him) Yeah you heard me: I said you stink! Come at me you rotten overgrown abdominal scab!

(The zombie belches a breath attack at him, but Gray leaps high out of it's way)

Gray: Ha! Too slow! (He dives at the beast and slices off one of its wilted wings before hitting the ground) Heh, all that time in the grave must've eroded your reflexes. You were better off staying there! (The beast turns to roar at him) Still think you got it? Alright, fertilizer, let's get it on!

(They engage)

Sam Jackson: What's happening now?

Squishy: Gray seems to be employing an RPG battle system of some kind.

(We see Gray and the dragon zombie on an Atelier Iris 2 battle screen as the SSH remix of "Terrestial" from that same game plays)

Gray: (Slamming bracers together) Time to kick it old/new school! This should be slow enough for you to handle! Believe it!

(The zombie roars in response. The turn counter has the zombie attack first, but for little damage)

Gray: Bah! This is how you do an opening strike!

(Gray attacks for better damage. The zombie attacks again but misses)

Gray: Quit holding back! Being dead isn't an excuse to not put effort into your attacks!

(Attacks. The zombie uses Fetid Claw to do better damage)

Gray: Is that the best you can do? Your techniques are embarrassing. Tail Slap!

(Smacks the beast with his tail, causing moderate "diss" damage. Now zombie uses Putrid Mist which deals pretty decent damage to Gray)

Gray: Ah there we go! Some of those teeth of yours are still sharp. I've made enough Skill Points so I'll bare mine. Flame Breath!

(Goes over and releases a devastating fire storm that's super effective)

Stan: Kick-a**, man! He breathes fire!

Gray: You think my form is just looks? Far from it, slim! (The zombie makes a regular attack) Too tired, eh? Go take a breather. Push Back!

(Gives a stun blow that knocks the zombie all the way to the back of the counter, making it dizzy. Gray gets in three hits before the beast recovers)

Gray: Now I'm all maxed out. Time to finish this!

(There's a quick spark and in super exclamatory manga fashion Gray hypes up as flames blaze behind him)

Gray: Here we go! Astronomically Super-Powered Special Japanese Attack Whose Exact Translation Escapes Me But Sounds Real Cool When YOU SAY IIIIT!

(He charges his blades and assails his foe with dozens of flaming slashes in a flashy style. Afterwards Gray lands crouched behind the beast, remaining still momentarily before tossing back his arms, causing the beast to erupt into billions of fiery meaty bits. Gray stands straight and blows on his steaming blades)

Gray: Nuthin' to it.

(The Jedi converge on him)

Sally: Oh wowie that was so cool! You were so awesome fighting that thing!

Gray: Eh, all in a day's slaying. This stuff's pretty routine for me.

Sara: And you say you do this everyday? Ooooooh that's so rugged!

Will: Huh say what?

(Nearby, Lann slowly gets back up)

Lann: Okay, okay. It's cool now. Where's that abomination?

Squishy: Ah man you missed it! Gray whooped major decaying dragon a**!

Anna: I couldn't have said that better myself!

Lann: Wha?

Will: It was pretty righteous how he did it, despite it being turn-based.

Rick: Have to hand it to him: The guy's a skilled warrior.

(While Lann is standing there processing what he's hearing, we see that the zombie dragon's head and right arm are still intact, and crawling its way right up to the scholar)

Sara: Look out!

(There's a gunshot and the zombie dragon gets knocked back from a bullet to the face. Everyone then watches Sam Jackson stepping out toward the fallen monster, holding a smoking pistol and inexplicably looking like his "Jules" character from Pulp Fiction)

Sam Jackson: Check out this zombie motherf***er trying to get the jump on us. Hoping to make us his b***hes with that moldy arm. (Chuckles, walking around the stricken creature, before staring at it seriously) Do we _look_ like b****es to you? (Stomps a boot on its head) Well, do we? (Stomps it some more) Do you even speak English, Mother F***er?! (Drives in his heel, crushing part of its skull, then lets up) Figures you don't, seeing that sad flap of fat you call a mouth. That same sorry mother-f***in' mouth that tried to _poison_ and _destroy_ my brothers. (Steps back, holding up gun) For that, I will strike down upon thee with _great_ vengeance and _furious_ anger, for you will know my name is the LORD! As I lay my vengeance upon thee.

(Unloads gun into zombie dragon, landing several bullets into its shattered skull, finally making it expire. He lowers the gun before turning around, now suddenly back in his original clothes and hairstyle)

Squishy: Holy crap… that was awesome…

Sam Jackson: What? You mean what he did? I would have to agree with you.

Sara: No, the way you finished off that dragon!

Jo: You channeled Pulp Fiction just now.

Anna: And you saved Lann's keester!

Sam Jackson: The h*** you talkin' about? I did no such thing. (Brings up gun, giving a start at seeing it) Who put this in my hand? (Shrugs, tosses gun, and goes over to Gray like that exchange didn't happen) I gotta say, you live up to your talk. After seeing an a** kicking like that, I gladly say I'm in good hands. Put it there, my scaly brother.

Gray: (Confused) Uhh, sure.

(The two exchange a fist handshake)

Lann: (Disbelieving) Wait. What, what's happening… How….

Jo: R-Regardless, let's hear it for our new buddies!

Group: HUZZAAAH!

(The majority of the group rushes off singing a jovial tune while rubbing shoulders with Gray and Sam Jackson)

Sam Jackson: Hey why are you pressing up against me?

(As they leave the battlefield, a befuddled Lann is left in the dust. Quickly recovering, he picks up his sword just as Cope walks up to him)

Cope: Forgive the random celebration. It happens regularly on these kinds of outings.

Lann:...It's fine. I still helped, and that's what's important. (To self) Though at the cost of my pride and a chance to impress the ladies.

Cope: Did you say something?

Lann: Just a sigh of fatigue, Copeland my good man. Let's rejoin the others so we can get into the forest and find a nice place to lay down for the night. (Moves on)

Cope: (Shrugs) Sounds good.

(The two walk briskly to catch up with the group)

Cope: Hold on. How do you know what Sasquatch's d**k smells like?


	6. Episode 2 Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Campfire Confessions 1**

_After Gray's dazzling victory over the Zombie Dragon, the band of heroes made great headway into the twilit forest, filled with vigor and confidence. But as with any journey, the traveler inevitably seeks rest, and the Jedi's first night on Draconia had arrived._

* * *

(We see the group walking through woods as darkness grows)

Will: It's starting to get dark, guys.

Jo: We better find a place to set up camp. (They luckily chance upon a clearing) Ah, perfect. We stop here for the night. Someone should find some firewood or something to burn.

Rick: I'll do that. (Leaves)

Jo: We may also need something to sleep on.

Sara: I could make some plant mats.

Sally: I can help with that.

Cope: Hey Jackson, be useful and tidy up the place.

Sam Jackson: What the, do I look like some kind of servant to you? You seem to be forgetting what century we're living in, boy.

Lann: C'mon Sam My Man. We can do it together.

Sam Jackson: Telling me to clean up like he's my master. Out of his d*** mind.

(After a while the area is clean and there's a wood pile in the middle)

Will: Anybody got a lighter or some flint?

Gray: I got us covered.

(Inhales and gives off a fire breath that sets the wood pile aflame)

Will: Oh. I forgot we had a human torch with us.

Gray: Heheh.

Jo: Alright gang, I was able to recover some rations from the ship that should hold us over for a while. If we each take small portions there'll be plenty for all of us.

Squishy: Mmm, rations.

Anna: Blech. I don't see how you people can tolerate that stuff.

Stan: They seem fine to me. A little bland, but decently chewy.

Anna: That's what I'm talking about...

Will: Well let's dig in, people.

(An inventory screen pops in, rations are selected, and a sound confirms its consumption)

Squishy: Aaaah, that hit the spot.

Lann: Pretty good. Better than most standard issue brands.

Sam Jackson: Mmmm-mmmm, b***h!

Stan: You said it.

(Awkward silence for a bit as crickets fill the night air)

Jo: So… about time to hit the hay?

Sally: I'm not tired.

Sylvia: Me neither. Guess I'm still wound up from those dragon encounters.

Anna: Same, despite not getting to take down one single dragon since getting here, dangit.

Cope: Always tomorrow, dear.

Lann: Well this is a fine predicament: The beds are set but no one wants to jump in. How to fix that I ask myself.

Squishy: Maybe we can sing campfire songs—

Cope: No!

Sara: How bout we tell stories until we tire out?

Jo: Not a bad idea, Sara. Who wants to start?

(Quiet)

Squishy: This is bad: Normally I have something to talk about, but I'm drawing a blank.

Anna: Unthinkable!

Sylvia: Hmmmm… Maybe just talk about things in general? Like what we've been doing lately. We never got a chance since the barbecue.

Cope: Being bored isn't my idea of making myself tired.

Anna: Really, Alex? Couldn't think of a nicer way of saying "no"?

Jo: How about this: We let our guests do some talking. Gray, why not take a crack at it?

Gray: Who? Me?

Sylvia: Yeah; tell us about yourself.

Gray: I don't know: There isn't much to talk about.

Squishy: Oh c'mon, there has to be something about your past that's interesting.

Rick: I'm curious to know how you became so skilled at fighting.

Lann: Humor us at least, ya big lug.

Gray: (Considers) Alright. I guess it wouldn't hurt to recollect a little.

Sally: No siree.

Gray: Okay. Just let me get into a comfortable sitting position.

(Gets into a cross-legged position as the Jedi and others remain quiet with open ears)

Gray: As I told you earlier, I'm a Dragon Slayer. But I wasn't always like that. My beginnings were all humble and quaint, backwoodsy you could say.

I was born in a small village on the Eastern Continent of Belkhyde, the land I hail from. My father was an ordinary farmer who worked the fields and hunted regularly. My mother was an atypical housewife, tending to the house, the cooking, cleaning, all that. My father dabbled in blacksmithing for a while but never fully took up the trade. He worked with the other men of the village when it came to harvesting crops, selling them at market and bringing food to the table. As for me, I was like any other human-looking boy: I played, did my chores, goofed off with other boys, occasionally got into trouble. Life was as simple as it could be in that little wooded nook of ours. If things had stayed that way, I might have become an ordinary farmer-hunter like my father and would never have gone out to see the world.

Cope: But that's not how things turned out.

Sara: What made you you want to be a Dragon Slayer?

Gray: A few things. When I was five I was running around our yard when the light went away. I looked up and saw this large shape blocking the sun. To this day I still recall every detail of that shape: Two wide leathery wings, blue and white scales, a pair of arms and legs with great white claws, and a head of horn, scales and teeth.

Lann: A dragon.

Gray: That was the very first time I saw such a thing. Like any other impressionable kid I was instantly awestruck by something so large and scary-looking. I asked my father what it was, and right then and there the name of my eternal quarry was given: Dragon.

Anna: Whoa… That actually gave me chills.

Gray: For a good long while I wanted to know everything there was about dragons. Though my parents and the other villagers didn't know much, I still kept asking and asking. Even when I became old enough to farm and hunt I still had dragons on my mind, and sometimes fantasized about actually fighting one.

Whenever a chance to go to market came up, I'd volunteer right away, since there were merchants from other places who could tell me more about dragons. What I did hear wasn't that important, but it was enough to keep my interest going for years to come. Day by day I dreamed of getting close to a dragon. And out of nowhere, opportunity struck.

One day in my twelfth year some cattle were found killed outside the village. At first the people thought it was wolves, but around the carcasses were footprints that were undeniably those of a dragon. Finding this out I immediately became excited and began thinking, "This is my chance: I'm gonna go fight a dragon". So when nobody was looking I took my father's bow and headed for the woods near our village. After half an hour or so of following broken twigs and stomped grass I finally spotted this green dragon about my size eating a dead cow. From a hiding spot I readied my bow, aimed, and hit it dead in the eye. Went down pretty quick, but loudly. Never heard anything so loud in my life up to that point as that dragon's death cry.

Sally: Yikes.

Lann: That must have been some serious power in that shot to get at the brain like that. And hitting it right there to begin with is quite the feat.

Gray: I've had practice, and I was a pretty hardy lad for my age, haha! Even so, I couldn't believe it at first: that I had actually killed a dragon. But then I got all excited and proud over felling such a menace so easily. I wanted to bring it back but it was too heavy to carry, so I decided to head back and tell the others. When I got back my parents were pretty mad at me for running off. So mad that they didn't bother listening to me about the dead dragon. And even when I did get their attention they said that it wasn't possible, and forbade me from going out of the village alone. I was not one bit happy as you can imagine, so I decided to bring back proof the next day. I snuck out as before, this time bringing along a hatchet so I could bring back the dragon's head.

Sally: Yuck.

Gray: But when I got back there there wasn't a dead dragon: Just a bare patch where it had been, surrounded by what looked to be very large prints. It was about that time when I first heard the screams.

Group: (Gasps!)

Gray: They were coming from the direction of the village, so I ran back in a hurry. What I saw was something no humble country boy could ever imagine.

Some of the houses were crushed or set ablaze or both, with people running around yelling, fleeing, and trying to calm others down, all at once. A farmhand shoved a pail of water in my arms and that's when I asked what happened. He said that some winged beast came from the sky and attacked the village, spraying hellfire and destroying homes. After all the fires were put out my parents found me and were blubbering over my safety, asking me questions about where I was. Then someone yelled out about some kids and a farmer's wife being grabbed by the demon before it took off. As the men got together to discuss what just happened, I got a look at one of the demolished houses. Around it were prints like the ones I saw back in the woods, and then it came together. The dragon I killed must've been a baby, and the demon that attacked the village was its mom, seeking revenge for what I did.

Squishy: Oi crap…

Sam Jackson: Karma can be a real b**** sometimes.

Sylvia: So what happened after?

Gray: Nothing, at least for the first few minutes after my realization. I didn't want to move, to think, nearly didn't want to breathe. Then I remembered the people who were taken, and I snapped right out of it. I told myself that so long as there were people still in danger on my account, I would never have peace of mind. So I took my father's hunting knife and bow and ran for the direction where the villagers said the beast flew off.

For hours I plowed through dense forest like the one we're in now, fighting and running from whatever monsters got in the way. When twilight came I was tired and thirsty, wondering if those people weren't dead already. Suddenly I spotted a raised cave opening and headed in. After stumbling through the dark I reached the end, and what I nightmare I found there. Before me stood a green dragon three times my height with massive wings, legs as thick as tree trunks and eyes burning with rage. In one of its claws was the farmer's wife, half-eaten and almost unrecognizable. Nearby was the corpse of the dragon I killed, along with two other kids my age crying for help. At first I was horrified, but that horror turned to rage and I leapt at the dragon with my knife drawn.

Sara: Oh god that's horrible!

Rick: Guess that explains your hatred factor.

Gray: To make a long story short, the dragon managed to slash me up a bit, but never could deliver a killing blow, probably because its meal made it sluggish. I eventually got the upper hand and drove my knife into its soft neck, covering myself and much of the cave in more blood than I had ever seen on the farm. Drenched in blood, watching that dragon twitch, and the warmth I felt in my chest, I somehow knew the course the rest of my life would follow.

(Everyone remains silent, entranced and aghast)

Gray: As for the kids I saved, turns out a third one was eaten before the farmer's wife, so I was too late in saving him as well. And what's more, one of the survivors had their legs crushed when he was snatched, thus rendering him unable to walk for the rest of his life.

Stan: Oh man…

Gray: But rather than feel guilty, I felt detached from everything. Days after the incident I didn't care about others or what was going on. Everyone thought I was traumatized and left me to recuperate at home, but really I was just busy thinking and coming to grips with what I had just done. Rather than feel horrified over the creature I killed, I was thrilled. I felt a fulfillment that went beyond any joy I had in my simple life. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I no longer saw some humble farm boy. I had become something else: A slayer of dragons. And it felt right. Shortly after coming to this understanding, I packed some things and set out to better my skills, leaving without a word. It was the last time I ever saw my parents, or anyone from my village.

Sara: That's kinda sad…

Gray: Things got better after that. I got to see the world, hone my skills and mind, and got to slay more dragons. At one point I trained under a teacher along with a guy named Galahad for some time, and when I felt I had learned enough I left and continued my travels. As I went around Belkhyde I occasionally helped others, and soon people began calling me "Dragon Slayer". It was all routine like that until the night I transformed.

It was supposed to be a curse for slaying so many dragons, and the moment it struck it felt like one. At first I thought it was muscle strain, but then I felt a deep burning in my chest that spread out to all my muscles. I felt my skin separate into pieces and harden, my hands dislocate and extend, my mouth stretch out into a muzzle. Then there's the indescribable sensation of growing horns and a tail. Needless to say, it was a very unpleasant night.

Jo: I bet.

Gray: But the change wasn't all that bad. I gained extra strength and stamina, some handy dragon powers, and I looked even more intimidating in my armor. After some adjusting, I went on back into a slaying routine, only with a new look. I'd eventually meet and join a kid named Felt, slay more dragons, overthrow an empire, slay bigger dragons, save the world, and then go back to slaying dragons on my own. I didn't keep exact count of the number of dragons I have slain over the years, but I'm willing to say somewhere in the thousands. And that's pretty much all there is to know about me.

(Silence, as everyone takes in their guest's backstory)

Gray: (Sigh) I know the beginning part was pretty grim. It's one of those "better forgotten" memories. I learned to detach myself from the past in my travels so that I could fully enjoy dragon slaying. Honestly, I had forgotten all that until I started talking about my childhood. Guess things like that never truly go away.

Sylvia: Certainly not. It's remarkable you're this well-adjusted despite all that.

Sam Jackson: Not gonna lie: If s*** like that happened to me when I was twelve, I would have said "F*** the world" and gottten myself institutionalized.

Lann: Perish the thought!

Gray: Yeah, but my mind works differently, as you've undoubtedly figured. I've only told a few very trusted friends about that, come to think of it.

Rick: Why tell us all of that, then, even though we're strangers?

Gray: Welp, being here in some foreign universe, where people sail the stars, magic swordsmen defend the weak, dwarves bump uglies with reptiles, and game characters like myself can hang out, some adjustment to my own code is in order. Plus, being open about yourself is the quickest way to establish trust with others, and my past isn't something I'm that hesitant to share.

Will: Say Gray, there's actually something I want to ask you since you mentioned it. You said you're from a video game. How are you aware of that?

Gray. Hrrmm. It's hard to explain. It's something like a thought in the back of my head telling me that the place I'm from is called a "video game", and that my world and everyone I know exists in a game called "Atelier Iris 2". And for some reason, even though they don't exist in my world, I know exactly what video games are.

Will: Then you probably also know that, technically, you don't exist. At least, outside of the game. Does that freak you out in any way, like give you an existential crisis?

Jo: (Quietly) What the heck is with these questions, Will?

Gray:...I can't really say it does. I mean, most other people would probably be losing their minds at the idea of not being real, but I _feel_ real enough. The way I see this, it's like with Eden. That's a self-contained world hidden in Belkhyde that shouldn't really exist, but Felt and his girlfriend came from there, and I've set foot there. We even saved the world there. What I'm saying is, I'm more or less in Felt's shoes when it comes to winding up in a strange outer world. I suppose you could call that my coping mechanism, heheh.

Cope: Interesting.

Will: I wanted to ask because we got a lot of guys in the military who are from video games and I never got a chance to ask them. Sorry for springing that on ya.

Squishy: Holy crap, we never did ask them, Sylvia.

Gray: That's fine. It's a nice change to my downer backstory. Anyway, I'm feeling tuckered out. Don't know about the rest of y'all, but I'm turning in. See ya in the morning.

Sally: Good night Gray.

Sara: Good night.

Anna: Sweet dreams.

Gray: Definitely, after that scuffle from earlier. (Closes eyes and dozes off)

Rick: Guess we better do the same, or should we set up a watch?

Jo: A watch would be wise. Alex, you got first shift.

Cope: What, why?

Anna: The leader has spoken, dear.

(She and everyone else snuggle in for sleep)

Will: Wake me in two hours and I'll take over.

Jo: Goodnight, y'all.

All: Goodnight!

(With that everyone but Stan tucks in, all goes quiet until)

Lann: Oh god those rations are gassing me up.

(Gurgling noises are heard, and Cope grumbles)


	7. Episode 2 Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Enter the Scholar**

_It was a night that sobered the hearts of the weary travelers. Gray's history filled the Jedi with newfound perspective and respect toward the mighty Dragon Slayer, which further strengthened his bond to the group in turn. Yet a new day promises more experiences and encounters, and the heroes have no time to dwell if they are to continue their journey with utmost haste._

* * *

(Morning. The sky is a soft, bright blue with some clouds and a low yellow sun. Down in the great evergreen forest, the Jedi and guests stand around the fire site)

Will: The BlackBerry showed the target within a mountain range that's somewhere, (Sweeps around arm then points out) over yonder.

Jo: Affimative. Rick and Alex will cover the sides. Gray, you'll be up front with me. The rest of you, find whatever spot you prefer.

Lann: I'm down with that.

Jo: You, Lann, will stay in the back. I don't want you farting up the formation.

Lann: Oh come on it was just three hours and you were all sleeping through it.

Cope: Speak for yourself. Plus, that smell lingers.

Will: It really does.

Lann: You're really gonna do me like that just because of my biology?

Jo: Yes. Let's go, people!

(They head out)

Squishy: Wasn't that a bit harsh, Jo?

Anna: Especially considering how we partook in Bean Bonanza Night on Bespin—

Jo: You will NOT mention that to anyone outside this group, especially to him!

Sylvia: He might already know. It was, erm, quite the "spectacle".

Gray: Bean bonanza?

Anna: Trust me, big guy: You _really_ don't want to know.

(Turn to Lann as he stays behind. He pulls out his sword and talks to his reflection)

Lann: Okay Lanny Boy, you've been slipping too much. First you let some animated corpse humiliate you, letting Gray snag the glory, and now you're reliving grade school. Plus that oh-so tragic backstory has him hogging all the fair-female adoration. It's supposed to be you they should be cooing over, and not some musclehead that just wants to tear up this pristine place. Besides, you know it's the sensitive scholarly type who gets the babes in the end.

With that said, time to work that voodoo you shrewdly do, ol' coochie coo, and bolster me a swanky reputation. Yow!

(Puts away sword and dashes for the group. Soon he catches up, snaking his way through the ranks without drawing Jo's attention. He makes his way up to Sara)

Lann: So, nice weather, huh?

Sara: It's very nice. All temperate, no humidity.

Lann: Yes, couldn't agree more. Though it doesn't hurt to work up a sweat every so often.

Sara: I suppose.

Lann: What do you like doing in your spare time, if you don't mind me asking?

Sara: Oh, mundane stuff. Shopping, bowling, the occasional crochet, lightsaber training, espionage training, medical practice, and being with my hunky hubby Will.

Lann: I have to say he's a lucky guy having someone as multi-talented as yourself. And not to mention as cute as a button.

Sara: Gosh, no one's ever said that about me before.

Lann: That's hard to believe. (Thoughts) Yes! Got my foot in the door. Now to close the distance. (Out loud) You know, it can be pretty lonely at times in my line of work. (Sidles closer to Sara) It's certainly refreshing being in such good, fair company such as—

(The moment his shoulder brushes Sara's, Will pops up and starts barking loudly at him, making him flee)

Lann: (Doggy) Aie Aie Aie Aie Aie Aie!

Sara: Will!

Will: Oh, sorry babe. Still don't trust the guy.

(Lann retreats to Anna's position)

Lann: I have no idea what got into him! I'm gonna need some tender talking to ease my nerves.

Anna: You're barking up the wrong tree, bub. I saw what you tried there.

Lann: Tried? Tried what? I swear I know not what you're insinuating.

Anna: Yeah, I'm the absolute last person you want to try bulls****ing. Remember that.

(Moves away from him)

Lann: Ooooh, that's too frosty a nut to crack. Well, maybe someone a little more impressionable.

(Sidles up to Sally)

Lann: Howdy Sal, what's cracking?

Sally: Agh!

(Backhands Lann so hard with her claws she knocks him over onto the dirt)

Sally: Oh gosh, Lann? I'm so, so sorry! I just freak out whenever somebody sneaks up on me like that. Made me think you were a dragon or a stalker or something.

Lann: No, no, that's okay. It was my bad sneaking up on you like that. (Pushes himself up) D***, that was quite the hit. Still feel the side of my jaw tingling. You've got some, ugh, impressive strength.

Sally: Well, Ssi-Ruuk genetics. (Shrug) Uhh, need some help?

Lann: No no, I'm good. Be up in a sec.

Sally: Okay. And again, sorry.

(She leaves Lann on the ground, and he proceeds to rub his cheek)

Lann: Oooooooow. And that was just her being defensive. (Gets back up) Okay, the conversational approach didn't quite pan out. Guess I'm gonna have to buckle down and impress them through physical feats. Crude, but historically effective.

(Rejoins the group. Sometime later they stop at a tree by a very long, wide ravine)

Squishy: Looks like a dead end.

Jo: Normally it would be, Squish my pal, but me says that chopping down this tree will provide us a decent bridge.

Lann: Allow me, Jo my chum. (Goes to tree, feels around the trunk) There should be a weakened section somewhere.

Rick: Can't you just hack the thing over with your sword?

Lann: No need, Rick. A good, strong blow in the right spot will fell this tree in no time.

(Stands, readies himself, then delivers a punch that makes a thud on the tree. After a delayed second his face scrunches up and he hits the ground rubbing his fist)

Lann: Ah son of a b***h that smarts! Aaaagh!

Gray: Maybe I can help.

(Goes over to tree and with a simple shove he pushes it over, making a bridge)

Sally: Now we got a bridge!

Stan: Way to go, Gray!

Sam Jackson: About time.

(The group crosses the ravine. Lann meanwhile gets up, looking fumed)

Lann: Okay, forget brute force. Back to wooing tactics. Full throttle!

(We turn to Sara as Lann rushes up to her with some flowers)

Lann: Say Sara, I happened to find these very exotic but lovely flowers back there. I thought you'd like to have a whiff.

Sara: (Takes flowers) Why thank you, Lann. They are lovely. (Sniffs) And smell very fragrant, too.

Lann: Yeah. Wish I could say what kind they are, but I'm no botanist, and I don't think they're native to this galaxy. Anyway, want to check out the gun show?

Will: It's already here; check out these Howitzers!

(Clobbers Lann aside with an arm muscle, then notices Sara giving him a look)

Will: Uhh, that time was a reflex. It's just how I function.

Sara: You seriously need to see a doctor or something about that.

(Upon recovering, Lann approaches Anna once more, but as he readies to speak she gives him a piercing, soul-withering glare that freezes his upper body and makes him back away. Shortly after that, we see Sylvia walking along when Lann suddenly drops in upside down hanging from a vine.)

Lann: You probably wouldn't have guessed from my physique, but I'm quite the acrobat. Be honest, Sylvia: Don't I make a fine Spider-Man?

Sylvia: Maybe as a large stunt double.

Lann: Large in the right areas, if you catch—

(Vine snaps, dropping Lann onto the ground)

Sylvia: Doesn't seem like it.

(She leaves him there. The group soon stops before a small stream)

Cope: It shouldn't be too deep to cross.

Squishy: It better not.

Sara: Although I prefer not to get wet.

Lann: Check out my new look. (Saunters in with a ginormous afro) A timeless classic, surprisingly great protection from the elements. That is, for those slim enough to stand under it.

Rick: This might be of use.

(Goes over to Lann and rips off his afro, making him wince and pat his head. Rick brings the wig over and drops it in the stream, where it absorbs the water and grows into a large spongy stepping stone of sorts)

Sally: Oh neat: A squishy bridge!

Squishy: Great thinking, son.

Sam Jackson: Very clever. Never considered its absorbency.

(They all cross the hairy bridge. Further along, Sally comes up to a thick wall of vines)

Sally: Ughh, stupid plants.

(She cuts through the vines with her saber, only to reveal a naked Lann laying atop a log with a fern leaf covering his nethers)

Lann: Like what you see?

Jo: Aw yeah.

Lann: Bwah!

(Falls off log. Jo reaches up and grabs an apple)

Jo: Never expected an apple tree of all things to be growing here. Alright gang: Lunchbreak.

Squishy: Woo hoo!

(Every has a sit down to enjoy a lunch of apples)

Sylvia: These are really good.

Will: Great find, Jo.

Jo: I can't take all the credit. Sal there cut open the vines covering it.

Sally: That I did! Though I probably would've overlooked them. (Chomps an apple) Mmm, scrumptious!

(As everyone's chowing down, Lann stands off to the side and consults his reflection once more)

Lann: You're really flopping it now. Getting knocked about, tripped up, injured both in body and pride. I swore I had everyone impressed with my introduction. What am I not doing— (Lightbulb dings over his head) That's it! Of course!

(He rushes out and halts before the group as they're munching their fruit)

Lann: May I have your attention, please, fellow travelers!

Anna: What is it that you want now?

Cope: We're currently in the middle of imbibing sustenance, as you can so clearly see.

Lann: That is so, but what better way to aid the digestive process then with a little brunch time entertainment. A means to relax and invigorate our bodies and minds for the long road ahead, and I, the dashing and supportive fellow that I am, shall volunteer in delivering you such vigor.

Stan: Uhh, what's he talking about?

Sam Jackson: I think he's finally lost it. And it hasn't even been a whole day.

Lann: I speak of a display of dexterity, balance and grace. (Pulls out his sword) Observe.

(After holding still for dramatic effect, he starts spinning his weapon about. Then he twirls it between both hands, over his sides and back. The spinning increases to blurry speeds, until Lann kneels and folds back onto the ground while keeping his sword whirling before him. Then in one swift go he leaps up, does a flip, lands and tosses his sword high before striking a pose)

Lann: Ha!

(Group is awed and some even clap)

Group: Oooooh…

(Lann basks in the attention a moment before shutting his eyes and holding out his palm to catch his sword, only for the hilt to bounce off the top of his skull. He goes cross-eyed before falling flat on his face. The group stares at his unconscious form in silence, although Stan gives a halfhearted laugh and clap)

Cope: That was certainly a display, I can say that much.

Sean Connery: You're NOT the man now, dog! (Slips away)

Sam Jackson: What the? Sean Connery?! You guys saw that, right? (Drops apple and gets up) How'd you get here? (Rushes off) Hey, hold up a sec!

Sara: Wait, you probably shouldn't... (Too late, as Sam Jackson has gone into the trees without hearing the rest of what she had to say) Go in there alone. Should one of us go after him?

Will: He should be fine. But I'll get him if he's not back by the time I finish this. (Eats his apple)

(Within a thick section of woods, Sam Jackson stumbles about)

Sam Jackson: I said wait you old Scot b****rd! I want you to get me out of this place. Help a fellow actor out. Hello? Hello? D***it, I lost him! Where could he have gone, anyway? And why can't I do the same?

(He kicks a bush in frustration, which shudders and lets out some low growls. Suddenly a small green lizard with tiny wings pops out, fixing its large yellow eyes on the irritated celebrity)

Sam Jackson: The h**l are you supposed to be? (The lizard starts sniffing his leg) Hey, I don't want any of that. I'm in no mood for getting sniffed on, so back off or you're getting a boot to your dopey face. (The lizard starts clawing at his pants) What did I just say?!

(Kicks the lizard hard into the bush)

Sam Jackson: I warned ya. You don't ignore a pissed off Samuel L. Jackson. (There's louder growlings from the bush) Huh? (The growling gets louder and more numerous) Ohhhh sh—

(Turn to the Jedi group, who are still lounging about eating apples and looking at Lann's unconscious body)

Sylvia: He's been acting up quite a bit today. Do you think he normally acts like this around other people?

Jo: Him being a show-off is really getting on my nerves. Playing the fool is going to mess us up.

Anna: The guy needs to keep it in his pants is all I'm saying.

Gray: At least his sword has some nice magic going for it. Real handy for dragon slaying.

Sara: Mr. Jackson still hasn't come back.

Will: Alright, let me just—

(Sam Jackson runs past in a hurry)

Sam Jackson: MOVEYOURSLOWF***INGA***S! (Gone)

Cope: What was his deal?

Squishy: (Looks around, then gulps and points) Probably that!

(They look around and see a seething swarm of green big-eyed dragons running and flying toward them, growling voraciously as the label "Terrible Terrors" appears.)

Anna: Ah crap they're adorable!

Gray: Peh, I can take them.

Rick: I don't think you have enough bulk to withstand that amount.

(Shot widens to reveal entire forest teeming with these noisy little dragons)

Gray: Ohhhhhhh...

Sally: So we follow Mr. Jackson's example?

Jo: Yes, but in keeping with our usual manner. IE, with overly dramatic yelling.

Cope: Fitting for the situation.

(All the Jedi take a deep breath)

Jedi: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

(They run away with Gray in tow. Meanwhile, Lann finally sits up)

Lann: Hm? Whatsa? Where is everyone? (Notices dragon stampede) Oh f**k!

(Dashes off. We see the whole group running through the woods to hectic chase music. As they weave and bob through foliage the dragons follow like a great flood. At one point Stan trips and is covered by the reptiles)

Sally: Stan!

Rick: Keep going! There's nothing we can do!

(The chase continues. Lann manages to outrun the others, but ends up running into a great spider web where he gets stuck)

Lann: Heeeh! Hurr! Ergh! Seriously? Spider-Man, how could you forsake me?!

(Watching from a nearby branch is the red-spandexed web-slinger)

Spider-Man: You did a crappy job copying me. (Growling is heard) Later, loser. (Shoots out a web and swings away)

(On the ground, Anna cuts the web and frees Lann)

Anna: Move it you lug!

(The group continues to flee. We see Squishy riding Sylvia all frenetic like)

Squishy: Ya! Ya! Faster faster!

Sylvia: Telling me isn't going to make me go quicker!

Squishy: I just like saying it! Hiyah!

(The Jedi catch up to Sam Jackson, who is lagging behind)

Jo: They're right on our tail; why are you slowing down?

Sam Jackson: Shut the, (huff) f*** up. (huff) I haven't trained for long distance, (huff) running. Especially with ground this bad.

(The miniature dragons are chomping at the flanks of the group. A few of them leap at them, only to get carved up by Gray. The leapers stop as a carpet of the things approaches, with Stan inexplicably sitting atop it)

Sally: Stan!

Cope: Stan?! How the h**l are you not being eaten up?

Stan: I don't know! They must think I'm one of them.

Sally: Cool! Does that mean me and Rick can catch a ride?

Cope: This is no time for joking!

Anna: Hold on! If they think he's one of them, this could be helpful. Stan, tell your "friends" to stop chasing us!

Stan: What? How am I supposed to do that?

Anna: Talk Ssi-Ruuvi or something!

Stan: You crazy? How do you know it's going to work?

(Sylvia and Squishy pull back to them)

Sylvia: Just try it, Stan! We can't keep going much longer!

Squishy: Listen to your mother, son!

Stan: Okay, I'll try. Ummm, trying to remember the phrases. It's been awhile.

(He eventually makes some chirps, clicks and whistles)

Terrible Terrors: Oh, we gotcha, hoss.

(All the dragons stop at once, launching Stan forward into the back of the group. The collision bowls them all forward, flying over a slope upon which they hit and tumble down. After much rolling and cries of disorientation and protest the party lumps into a heap upon a flat earthen patch of ground at the bottom of the slope. After a moment of recovery they get up)

Squishy: Huh. Guess Ssi-Ruuvi is Dragonspeak in the galaxy.

Sally: Awesome.

Lann: Yes, very awesome. I'm going to have to make note of that for my research.

Sam Jackson: Well that sucked immensely. I lost my connection back home, got chased by some scraggly f***ing lizards, and I'm all dirtied up and covered in hulking dragon man sweat.

Gray: I have a very intimidating musk, just so you know. My smell alone strikes fear into most dragons.

Sam Jackson: Like the ones that had been chomping at our a**es?

Gray: Uh, they must have underdeveloped nostrils or something.

Will: In any case, they're not following us anymore, so we can rest ea—

(A heavy gust blows by)

Anna: Oh swell: A wind storm.

Lann: This deep in the woods? Not possible.

(A great gust blows and takes out a line of trees near them. After things calm, the group sees a large pond before them. A very high, narrow waterfall feeds it)

Jo: Well that's convenient.

Cope: Still doesn't explain the—

(There is a really large gust that ruffles them. Suddenly dropping down on great air streams comes a small gray dragon with wing arms and small legs. It hovers within miniature cyclones and lets out a roar as we get a name: Wind Dragon/FFVI Edition)

Squishy: You know, I can't shake this Zelda vibe I keep getting from these encounters.

(With a flap of its wings the dragon sends a great vortex that hits the group, tossing them off their feet and up into the air. They go spinning in a fast orbit around the avian, propelled by wind bursts)

Stan: Oh god not this again!

(As they spin around, Gray tries lashing out but can't reach the fiend. At this time we notice that Lann is still standing on the ground at a loss)

Lann: How come I didn't get sucked up?

Jo: You're probably too heavy to pick up!

Lann: What? That doesn't make any sense! Gray's wearing frickin' armor, and even without it he's still packing more pounds in muscle alone just by looking at him.

Anna: Quit ogling the scaly boy and help us already!

Lann: Oh right, you're in peril. Okay, I've flopped enough, but now my time to shine as the heroic supporting character has finally come. Just a quick boost, first.

(He reaches into his tunic and pulls out a tin flask. He unscrews the cap and downs a quick swig, shaking his head to get the fluids flowing)

Lann: Woo! They don't call 'em spirits for nuthin'.

(With some bubbly sound effects he starts floating upward. After a bit he becomes level with the Wind Dragon and the maelstrom around it)

Lann: Alright you despicable array of pixels and fourth generation coding, dragon though you may be, you're endangering my friends. And I happen to know your game, so that's doubly unfortunate for you. Ready yourself: It's time to kick it!

(He unsheathes his sword and launches at the dragon, initiating battle. Though the Jedi and others are at the mercy of the wind, Lann zips through the air streams like a penguin through water. Yet he cannot fully outpace the dragon, which dodges his slashes and gets in some near bites. As the exchange goes on the lofted crew continue to slowly rise higher into the air, trailing the combatants. Soon the fight is happening above the source of the waterfall, which is a very large, lily pad-laden reservoir)

Lann: Dragging things out, huh? I respect your will to survive but it's getting old. How bout I go ahead and end th— (Gets slapped with a wing) Ow! Cheap shot!

(The dragon whips around and smacks him hard with its tail, knocking Lann out of the air and into the water with a splash)

Cope: Why am I not surprised?

Anna: Yo Squish, got some random solution in mind that'll save us?

Squishy: Hmmm… I can only think of one, and it's not pretty, but there's really no other option.

?: Here's one: It's called "wait a d**n minute".

(We look down at the reservoir to see it shrouded in mist. As it disperses we see Lann standing atop the water, wearing a white tunic and… black tights that melds with the thickness of his thighs and waist. Blegh.)

Sam Jackson: What in the h**l are you doing, dumba**! This isn't time for some f***in' ballet!

Sylvia: I can see every little detail of his legs from up here… and it's horrifying.

Gray: Yeah… And I've faced some seriously malformed adversaries in my day.

Lann: Yes, I am also relieved over my well-being. And though you don't care for the shapeliness of my legs, you mustn't look away. This is something you don't wanna miss.

(The wind dragon tilts its head in curiosity. There is silent tension as everything remains still)

Anna: Nothing sacred is gonna come out of this, is there?

Rick: Nope.

(Lann starts to dance. Slowly at first, he taps atop the water gracefully. Then after a while he speeds up a bit as a steady tempo builds)

Lann: Feeling amazed? (Taps some more) You ain't seen nothin' yet.

("River Dance" kicks on as he pulls off some serious leg work. Nary a large splash is made as the Wind Dragon is slowly drawn to the display with its captive heroes in tow. Lann's upper half remains still as he mixes up the foot routine)

Lann: By the graces of Random, I call upon: Happy Feet!

(Flashing into sight are four little penguins that follow Lann, making things super cute with their waddly taps. Then the music changes to Latino dance and it becomes one big salsa mix of glam and sweat. All the while the Wind Dragon bobs in sync to the beat. The Jedi are equally wowed)

Lann: Let's add a little more flash, shall we? (He draws his sword and dances with it) Water Lash.

(Suddenly water whips up and encompasses the sword. After a quick flurry there is a great strand of fluid connected to the blade like a whip. Then everything stops once Lann makes a stomp)

Lann: Fubu shay ar lé qua, Wind Dragon? (Another stomp) Bet ya never seen a shamrock move like this before, huh? (Rapid stomp) It was fun. (Stomp) But now I'm done. (Stomp) So it ends. (Stompity stomp) Henshin-a-Bye-Bye, baby.

(In a flash he brings about his water whip and slices the dragon in half, sending up a fountainlike shower and recorded applause. As this is happening our heroes fall ungracefully onto a nearby shore. As they get up, Lann casually walks off the water's surface and rejoins them, looking very satisfied)

Stan: Holy crap you actually saved us!

Sara: You took out that dragon in a blink! Don't know about the dancing, impressive though it was.

Lann: Merely a diversion as I readied the killing blow. Now kiss the ring, b***h. (Holds out hand with a pimpin' ring on it. Squishy comes over, kneels and starts kissing it rapidly) I was kidding, but do go on. I'm feeling a swollen sense of accomplishment.

Gray: I gotta hand it to ya, man: You dazzled that dragon like nobody's business. A regular ol' twinkle-toes.

Sam Jackson: You move real light for a big guy, I'll have to agree. Say, what's in that flask of yours, anyway?

Lann: Oh, just bourbon, with a hint of licorice.

Sylvia: But how did it make you float?

Lann: It didn't; that was my sword's doing. That little swig was just to take the edge off.

Anna: You happen to have some extra? I'm dying for a drink.

Sara: How about telling us where you learned how to step like that?

Sally: And the material you used in your pants. My backup dancers could really use some sturdy fabric for the routines I have in mind.

Sara: C'mon Lann: Tell us everything.

Sally: Me first me first!

Anna: Divulge thy bourbon reserves!

Lann: Ladies, please. There'll be time later for me to discuss all that and more. But how about accompanying me for this leg of the journey?

Sara: Sure!

Will: Sara—

Sara: Let me hang out with our new friend here for a bit, Will. I can't know more about him if you keep scaring him off.

Lann: And there will be plenty to know. Now Sam My Man, you're welcome to join as well.

Sam Jackson: Well your weirdo a** did save my a**, but don't think about trying anything on me, especially while you're wearing those pants.

Sally: We can keep you company as well, Mr. Jackson.

Sam Jackson: (Shrugs) Good enough for me.

(Lann and his new entourage move out, leaving behind a group of confused men and Sylvia)

Jo: What just happened?

Sylvia: Looks like the dancing has won him some admirers.

Jo: I can see that, but wasn't he a total spazz just ten minutes ago?

Squishy: Guess he must've finally hit his stride.

Jo: Hmph. Well he better not let it get to his head and start making orders like before. I _will_ get up in his grill if that happens.

Sylvia: We should catch up to them. It's still a group mission, so we must stick together.

Squishy: Right, Sylv. Coming, Alex?

Cope: Of course. I might be able to slip me a sip from Anna.

Rick: Come on, Jo.

(Everyone but Jo and Gray follow the others. Gray comes up to Jo and lays an armored slap on his shoulder)

Gray: Buck up, pal. We didn't get to do anything against that dragon, but at least we know that guy's a capable addition to the party. Besides, plenty more dragons out there, and he can't have all that glory, can he? Let's go.

(Walks away with a chuckle. Jo doesn't look entirely assured)

Jo: He just better not screw us over.

(Walks away with a grunt)


	8. Episode 2 Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**A Respite**

_Like many similar scenarios before, the Jedi were reminded not to judge a book by its cover. Though Lann proved himself swift with a blade, it was his exquisite dancing that had finally earned him trust among the group. And this surprise display filled our heroes with high spirits as they continued onward through the great forest, further bolstered by the good fortune of facing no additional winged threats, large or small. As the hours ticked away, though, the relative quiet was about to change, for the group wasn't alone in the twilit wood._

* * *

(The group is moving through the forest as everything turns orange from the setting sun. Lann still has his entourage, grinning and somehow back in his original get-up.)

Lann: And that's when I laid out my hand and told him to fry me some eggs sunny-side up.

Sara: Whoa… to think you could match Lando Calrissian in a card game. So cool.

Anna: Ah yeah, hahaha! That'll show 'im to be all cocky and suave all the time, heeheehee. Pour me some more of that good spirit, friendo.

Lann: Sure thing. (Gives her a pour of his flask)

(Tailing behind them)

Jo: Can you believe this guy? Stays quiet for hours and then says some random statement which they immediately fall for. Like some big shot fratboy.

Will: The free alcohol definitely solidifies that image.

Rick: Rampant complaining and envy makes for a lesser man, Jo. Remember that.

Squishy: Yeah. Just look at Alex.

Cope: Hey! (Tries to kick Squishy)

Jo: Naaah. Killjoys are born, not made. It's a proven genetic fact.

Cope: Based on research by scientists who specialize in enhancing beauty products.

Sylvia: Can't deny that shine, though.

(Holds up sparkling claw. Suddenly there's some rustling and Lann stops the group)

Lann: Hold! You guys heard that?

Stan: I did.

Sara: Me too.

(More distant rustling)

Sam Jackson: Ah h***. Just when I thought we were done for today.

Lann: (Draws sword) Follow.

(He creeps along into the brush with everyone behind. Something flits through the leaves in the distance)

Stan: I saw it!

Lann: Shhhhh! We gotta stay quiet, Stan. Everyone, stay close and make as little noise as possible.

(They creep along)

Jo: Who said he could green light a team investigation?

Rick: Just let it go, Jo.

Jo: Pffft.

(They sneak along. Every so often they spot a slender figure through the trees, until nothing shows up)

Sam Jackson: I think we lost it.

Sally: What's over there?

(Sam Jackson groans as they creep along up to a bushy ledge that overlooks a clearing surrounded by short trees. In the middle of the clearing is a small boulder, and across from the group is a break in the foliage that reveals more of the planet's landscape, including a small lake. There's some rustling, and the group turns in its direction. Far to their left on the clearing's edge a white apparition steps out into the open. It's revealed to be a tall woman in a white blouse and black trousers, with pale skin, long black hair, a slim physique and pointy ears)

Cope: Is that an elf? Here?

Sara: Those clothes look modern.

Anna: God her skin's practically glowing. Stupid magical bulls*** making it so smooth, it's unfair.

Cope: Dear, you're intoxicated.

Anna: Ya think?

Lann: Nay; that be no elf. That's a dragon in disguise. The Elvin look is common among the shape-shifting variety.

Gray: A dragon?! Well I'll teach it a lesson in trying sneak around Gray!

(Busts out blades and begins to rise but Lann yanks him back down)

Lann: Put those away. You can see she's just looking around. Not an ounce of hostility to warrant those.

Jo: And how are you so sure about that?

Lann: Because I have these things called eyes, Jo. And maybe it's because I'm a _Dragon_ Scholar? I'm supposed to know these things.

Sam Jackson: Yo keep it down! If that thing's a dragon, I prefer not to draw its attention, ya dig?

Will: It's moving.

(Everyone shuts up and watches intently. The elf-imposter walks along the outer edge of the clearing, beginning to hum a quiet but sweet tune. Eventually she heads over to the boulder in the center and delicately sits down. Her eyes focus on the distant lake and horizon, and the discomfort that plagued her movements appears to dissipate. Leaning back a little, she takes a deep breath, and sings. A melody as soothing as a calm breeze, words of a foreign tongue interwoven into it whose very vocalization eases the mind. Our hidden viewers are captivated, and it even prompts Squishy to reflect internally so hard that we can hear his thoughts)

_It was otherworldly that sound that filled our ears. I mean it made sense since we were on some other world, but all the same it was breathtaking, much like the trees and the distant lake illuminated by the dying sunlight, as well as the nearly imperceptible mountains beyond that. I couldn't help but be reminded of a songbird, singing beautifully with a hint of melancholy in its notes. Don't know if that thought is alluding to anything, or just random fluff the writer decided to throw in. In any case, it's an unexpected but welcome reprieve from the craziness we went through earlier today._

_ Dragons aside, this really was a gorgeous planet. Such natural splendor: The plants, the clean air, how so many stars were beginning to show up in the sky. Once we're done here, I don't know what the Republic's gonna do with this place. That is if there aren't any dragons still around by that point._

_ I put those thoughts aside as I looked over at the others: My family, the friends I've known most of my life, and our three extra companions. We've only known them for a day and no doubt there's plenty more to learn about them, but what a trio. Lann was pretty cool and had a weird style I can get with, and Gray was a cool and helpful—if rowdy—guy to have around. And Samuel Jackson… well, it's Samuel Mother-F***ing Jackson. At least he's beginning to warm up to us._

_ Then I look over the rest of my crew. My original interstellar family, brothers and sisters in arms. We often become so distant during these long intermissions of peacetime, but it's always a good feel seeing us reconnect so effortlessly when we're back together. Of course, they're still looking fine on their own. Will and Sara still looking cute together as always; Copeland, admittedly, looking more lighthearted those days; Anna looking tipsy and being utterly enthralled by the song judging by the goofy smile on her face; Jo for some reason looked on the verge of tears, poor guy. I wonder what profound thoughts are being conjured in his head by this beautiful song..._

Jo: (Thoughts) Oh god I'm so frickin' lonely. Why do all the good things happen to Squishy? How come he gets the girl and everything works out for him? I'm the Jedi leader and I look ten times better than him, but he's the one living the happy family life. And not just him either: Will has Sara, Alex has Anna, and I'm willing to bet those three kids will be getting the hook-up before I have the chance! There's really no justice in this universe, I tell ya! After all that I've done and put up with, when does Jo get his lovin'? How'd I get so pitiful! Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo sniffle sniffle sniffle! (Mental nose blow)

_I looked over to Sylvia. Ah, Sylvia. Still looked as beautiful as the day I met her. She's done a lot for me over the years, put up with a lot, and still remained by my side. Even going to the furthest reaches of time and space just to save me. I still feel like I owed her much, much more to her, even though she's told me we were perfectly even, with all the things I've done for her and her people. Even so, she's blessed me with the joy of parenthood, and that goes far and beyond anything else I've done._

_ And that thought brought my gaze over to the kids. They grew up so fast me and Sylvia barely had time to fawn over them as little kids. In half a decade they were practically full-grown adults. And so wildly different from each other, despite being triplets._

_ Sally, my... not-so-little princess. Always so exuberant and giddy and carefree; just one joyful bundle of sunshine. Making her way as a pop diva, making full use of that endless energy of hers to delight so many. But I've noticed she had calmed down somewhat these past few years. She's been visiting us more often, and looks out for her brothers. Probably from something she faced back when everyone came looking for me. Sylvia suspected as much, but Sal hasn't said anything. Still, I like this subtle shade of maturity on her usually carefree nature._

_ Then there's Richter. He said he's doing alright, and he looked fine, but I still can't help feeling a little worried for him. No doubt he still has some insecurities left that need to be worked out, with how he still mostly keeps to himself. But he's his own person, and those are issues he is undoubtedly working out on his own. I just have to be around to help him should he ever ask for it._

_ And finally, Stan. Always behaved like the run of the litter, but that also changed in the past couple of years. He moves and talks more confidently, though he's not as outspoken as either his brother or sister. Something I noticed in that waning light was that he seemed to be the most interested in the dragon's singing. Probably this style of music was more his liking, I thought. Yet he looked at her a certain way. An… all too familiar gaze, when I found time to think about it. Hmmm. It seemed even more change was in the works on that mission._

(At this time Anna leans in for a better listen, but snaps a twig. Hearing this, the pseudo-elf stops singing and whips around, simultaneously morphing into a great dragon with scales that shined like cobalt steel. It opened its great mouth and growled, showing the sparks popping over its sharp fangs as it looked for attackers. By that point everyone had ducked behind the bushes, and after some tense staring the dragon closed its maw and spread its two great leathery wings. With a mighty leap the dragon launches from the ground and flies off into the night, as our heroes cautiously stand back up watching its departure)

Lann: Told ya it was a dragon.

Gray: Yeah. Lightning type, from the look of it.

Sara: It sang beautifully. Shame it had to end so abruptly.

Jo: We wasted enough time spying, anyway. We better focus on covering as much distance as sunlight permits.

Cope: Smart idea. Come on, Anna.

Anna: Yaa, yaa.

Sam Jackson: Preferably someplace with softer ground.

(They all leave. Stan, however, stays behind and continues to stare up at the sky where the dragon parted, with eyes of deep wonder and longing)

Will: Yo Stan! Are you coming or what?

Stan: (Snaps out of it) Huh? Oh! Coming!

(Rushes off to catch up)


	9. Episode 2 Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**Campfire Confessions II**

_The mysterious dragon's melody put the weary travelers at ease, as well as enticing the mind of one. Yet the heroes still had a mission to do, and as much time had been wasted already, they were forced to make camp. As their second day on the new world came to a close, the guiding light left them once more in favor of restful darkness._

* * *

(It is night. In a forest clearing the group is sitting around a campfire)

Jo: Have to say good job, guys. We've managed to survive another day on this planet and make some headway toward our target.

Sally: Thanks to Lann. Tee hee.

Jo: (Grumbly) Yeah, thanks to Lann. (Regularly) So, who's pooped?

Cope: I'm still feeling fresh, surprisingly.

Squishy: Guess Wind Dragon assaults don't count as tiring.

Rick: Mainly because we didn't really do anything in that fight.

Stan: I'm feeling more alert from hearing that song earlier.

Jo: So it's another case of everyone too energized or whatever to go to sleep.

Gray: Which means another story is in order, I'm guessin'?

Sylvia: You already told yours, so who should go next?

Sara: Ooh! What about Lann?

Sally: Yeah! Let him give his story!

Anna: The whole shebang: Past, present, your distiller, the works!

Lann: I'm flattered, girls, but I don't think—

Sylvia: Don't be bashful; tell us about yourself.

Sam Jackson: Yeah. Please impart unto us how a heavyset white boy such as yourself managed to learn how to dance, and get that b***hin' magic sword as well.

Squishy: What got you into dragons, that kind of stuff.

Will: Do tell us about the man behind the flab.

Lann: Heh heh heh heh... one of these days I'm gonna kick each of you in the balls for every jab you made about my weight. But, for now, I will be happy to detail my life chronicles, since you insist.

Jo: I suppose. Go on.

Lann: Über. Now then. (Stretches out and relaxes into a comfortable position) From the top: My story begins several years ago in a distant land on a distant planet. It's probably best if you start a new paragraph for this.

Much appreciate it. (Clears throat) I was born in an Irish-owned district of the ritzy planet Almania. My mother wasn't Irish but still managed to meet my dad at a hippie gathering in their late teens to protest a "cruel government", a movement that was readily denounced as everyone involved in it were smoking the ganja, which was illegal in those dark, dankless times. Anyway, my mom wasn't overbearing but could still be a pain in the a** at times, which was all the more reason I respected her. Then there was my father. He was only half Irish, but having any fraction of Irish in you was worth respect and prestige ever since the Great Potato Mashing of 40 years ago wiped out nearly all full-blooded Irish. He had a rough and tumble exterior, yet sought a career as the galaxy's first color-blind Irish painter. Sadly it was about that time other color-blind artists had the same idea for their respective nationalities.

Cope: Ah yes: The Erratic Monochromatic Period. A lot of striking subjects, but colorfully unimaginative.

Squishy: I didn't take you for an art snob, Alex.

Cope: My interests are quite vast and varied I'll have you know, Squishy. But do go on, Lann.

Lann: Sure. Anyways, despite my father's shortcomings and my mother's free spirit, they still had one thing going for them: They were insanely loaded. I'm talking trust fund kids here. From what investments I have yet to find out, but I'm in no rush to question my early access to the bling-bling, as the muses of old called it.

You're probably asking right about now: why did I want to become a scholar when I was so stinking rich? Why couldn't I have been an accountant or a freelance snob with all that cash?

Rick: As if we ever need more of those.

Lann: Well the answer is as simple as my early life desires. When I was but a wee lad I was very adventurous: I played pretend and went exploring the lower city despite the teasing of my fellow rich school fellows. I could only drink apple juice in solace at their insults, but once I hit my growth spurt I showed them my mastery of the Atomic Wedgie.

Stan: (Hisses) That's a sting that never leaves ya.

Will: Stan, you've never worn pants once in your life.

Sally: Or been bullied by anyone beside me and Rick.

Rick: And it wasn't really bullying to begin with.

Stan:...I still know how nasty wedgies can be, alright? (Looks ashamed)

Lann: But before all that, there was one particularly influential aspect of my childhood. A few days out of every week, when I was feeling too restless to go to sleep, my mom would lull me to sleep by telling me stories. Most of them were the run-of-the-mill Jack and Jill, beanstalk cry wolf type, but there was one story in particular that caught my full, uninhibited, youthful imagination: one that told of dragons. Ever since she spoke those wondrous descriptions I never wanted to hear anything else from her. So whenever story time came around I would always demand one about dragons. At first she thought it was pretty cute, but as weeks of endless telling went by she grew a bit tired of it, bless her heart. Yeah, I had reduced her to putting me to sleep using NyQuil, which may have led to my developing an alcohol addiction at the tender age of 15.

That aside, the times my mother did oblige me with a story were always memorable. Her descriptions were indescribably descriptive: Beings with great wings, shiny scales, great wisdom and that could breathe fire still fill me my mind at the very mention of dragons. In a way I owe my whole love and obsession of dragons to my ever dear mother.

Sara: Awwww, that's awful sweet.

Gray: Dang. If my mom gave descriptions that good, I probably would have dug into my own skull to slay the dragons that'd pop up there. Bwa ha ha ha ha ha— (Everyone gives him a look) Uhhhh…. Guess that wasn't so funny.

Lann: Moving on. When I became old enough to go to the library I spent all my free time looking up dragons. While the selection was practically nil, what little there was only further raised my interest in them. Then, at the age of 13, I decided on what my career would be: dragon studies. So against the wishes of my parents and the wiles of some very stunning prep girls, I headed off to Coruscant to attend the University of Scientific Reason and Intelligent Studies at the age of 18. With me I brought my shades, my killer trenchcoat, some practice rifles, my calico Cal, some dragon paraphernalia, a modest 8 million credit going-away present, and my personal bed custom-fitted with hydraulics and mood lights.

Sam Jackson: D******n… Hydraulics? Were you planning on burying yourself in people every weekend? Sh***-**t.

Lann: Nah, but it never hurts to come prepared for those especially rough sessions.

Anna: Ooooooookay… Not drunk enough to want to imagine that.

Lann: Now the first years of college were tough, as was expected. Made tougher by the fact that my major was set in the far back of the Obscure Subjects wing. As I did my studies I was looked down upon by my more practical-minded colleagues, who would pull all kinds of pranks on me. These included "accidentally" dropping mustard gas vials in my workspace, getting injected with novacaine and tossed around the place, releasing bacteria that would eat all my clothes except for some of the lacy women's panties I had lying around my room, and ordering 20 pizzas and having me pay for them. Heck, even the religious study majors had their turn at torturing me. One time I woke up in bed to find a dead bat with a lizard's head sewn onto it, and the word "yiffer" taped onto it. Plus, every time I tried to report them, the deans were usually high on marker tips and would spank me, then themselves, then calling that guy from the Six Flags commercials to do the spanking for them.

Yeah, pretty f***ed up university education, I know.

Sally: Oh you poor thing. That's just horrible.

Lann: Meh, it wasn't all bad. While drowning my frustrations in the good stuff I happened upon my drinks of choice: Tequila and Baby Beer, which is tequila mixed with apple juice. Speaking of which, daddy's feeling a little parched. (Whips out flask and chugs) Glub glub glub. (Finishes) Ah, there we go.

Also, I wasn't the only one at university dedicated to studying "nonexistent" subjects and getting hassled for it. Over time we found one another and formed some beautiful friendships. My go-getter attitude eventually earned me the title of Cool Guy and quite the entourage, just slightly cooler than this one, no offense.

Jo: None taken. (Mumble) Big-mouthed ingrate.

Lann: I also got into making short films. Horror genre, mostly. A touch of medieval every now and then. There was one time where I made something that was streamed on the Holo-net for a while. It was a tribute to zombies set to an awesome Bon Jovi song. You may have seen it.

Squishy: Now that you mention it, I think I saw something like that some years back, but that was you?

Lann: If the credits had L-a-n as director, then yes. I left out the second "n", as well as my last name. Figured it make for a cool, edgy handle, which is a decision I still regret bitterly to this day.

Cope: Just about everyone our age has those regrets, unfortunately.

Will: Truly bitter, angsty regrets.

Sara: That whole brooding phase you guys had was so cute, though, from what I remember.

Cope & Will: _Utterly Bitter_.

Lann: So in all my time on Coruscant was good for the most part. But after graduation, I had to put everything I learned to work. I packed my things and pets, said my goodbyes, and set out to begin my official studies as a bonafide Dragon Scholar. For the past several years I combed the ends of the galaxy following clues as to the whereabouts of proof that dragons had actually existed. Even though they all led to dead ends, it didn't mean nothing good came out of those expeditions. Over my travels I got to see many new interesting places, while also taking up lessons in swordplay and dancing. I wanted to be a quadruple threat: A scholar, swordsman, dancer, rich Irish drunken brawler. The Republic dream, basically.

Plus, I even managed to bang a woman, or man, or anything between on each planet I visited. So far I've kept a perfect record of 29 out of 29.

Anna: Wow! That's 29 times the number Jo has been with! Astounding!

Jo: Oh hahahahahahahaHA.

Sam Jackson: Heheheheheh, that was actually a good one, not gonna lie.

Jo: Stay out of this, Sam!

Rick: Heh. Okay, so we get the whole _why_ you're into dragons deal. Now what about that sword of yours? How did you come across that?

Lann: (Pulls out sword) Very easily, actually. I got this baby a few years ago during an expedition in the caves of Sullust. I was investigating the possibility of tunneler dragons when I came across a sealed chamber. In it was a pedestal with the sword stuck in it. Thinking it would make a nice addition to my already impressive collection, I decided to go for it. But the moment I touched it some force pushed me back and a voice filled my head. It told me that if I wanted the sword I would have to give up one of my companions, which happened to be my dog and cat.

Though I had taught my sweet Coffee a number of marching commands, I still much preferred pussy(cats), so I regrettably gave her away in exchange for the sword. Turned out to have been something of a sour deal, as some months later Cal died of kidney failure. It was her time, unfortunately.

Sara: That's too bad.

Anna: You have my condolences, man.

Lann: Thanks, but no need. It was a long time ago; I've since moved on doing what I enjoyed.

Anyways, after getting the sword, I did some research and found out that it was forged by an ancient eccentric Jedi, one that really liked swords and always thought of the Force as magic on steroids. He lined the insides of the blade with crystals capable of absorbing and harnessing the very elements of nature, leaving the wielder the task of simply yelling out the kind of attack they wanted. It took me a while, but I managed to nail down those prerequisites superbly.

Of course, the historians wanted to put this weapon in a museum on Coruscant, but I much liked having it, so I gave them a similar-looking sword, said the magic had worn out, and they haven't bothered me since.

Gray: Real sneaky.

Cope: More proof as to how stupid our so-called intellectuals can be.

Sylvia: That sounds like quite the interesting and exciting life, Lann. Traveling around, learning and discovering new things.

Squishy: Like a space-trotting plus-sized Indiana Jones, minus the fedora.

Cope: And a lot of other features.

Will: Like the physique.

Anna: And the whip!

Lann: Ahhhh, f*** you guys. I mean that in the sincerest terms of endearment. It's actually something, being able to sit down and shoot the breeze with THE Jedi, the protectors of our corner of the cosmos. In fact, if I'm being honest, I was sorta hoping to maybe catch you guys in action while I was down here. But I figured it'd be a slim 5% chance, given how big this place is, and that wasn't the primary reason for my coming here. I mean, when a planet teeming with dragons pops into existence, what sort of dragon scholar would pass up the opportunity to get in on that validation hotness? Not me. The moment I heard the reports, I got on a ship and came straight here, though I can't remember where exactly I had landed that thing. Eh, the important thing was that I got to see all sorts of live dragons up close. Oh, and running into you guys of course.

Sally: And that's how you got to be here with us right now!

Sam Jackson: Rather lucky to have ya and that sword of yours, gotta say.

Jo: Though with a whole lotta hoopla and hornswoggle attached to it, I say. I never heard of Dragonology being a course in any institution I know of, so I'm thinking you're a guy with a massive hard-on for dragons who thought they'd try to make themselves sound respectable by calling himself a "Dragon Scholar". Plus that bang quota of yours is way too up there by my reckoning. Methinks you're overcompensating for something.

Lann: Well first of all, I don't see a problem with having a hard-on for dragons. And secondly, what is your beef with me, Jo? We're all just sitting around here trying to relax and you just go tossing shade on me, wholly unwarranted.

Jo: Oh, is that what you think? Guess you expected me or anyone else to forget those little acts of yours you did most of this morning before we got rushed by those little dragons. You know, strutting about, posturing, specifically around the women. Like you were flaunting to win their attention.

Will: Yeah that's right. I wasn't imagining it, was I: you _were_ trying to get sweet with Sara!

Sara: Oh stop it already, Will.

Will: I'm serious! He was totally hounding you!

Sylvia: Wait, then when he asked about being Spider-Man… was that you trying to flirt?

Squishy: (Gasp) Say that isn't so!

Sally: Oh my god, and it was with me as well!

Sam Jackson: Hohhhh s***, they're calling you out!

Rick: Disgraceful.

Stan: I mean, seriously, our mom? When dad is right here!

Gray: Hrrmm. Can't really say I'm appalled or anything. I knew an elf who was way more blatant and desperate about his pursuits.

Jo: It still stands that aside from some fancy dance moves and that magic sword of yours, you're a creep! And it pisses me off that you're shrugging that off with booze and a little charm.

Anna: Just the booze is fine for me.

Cope: Please, Anna.

Lann: (Sigh) Alright, I get you now. Since you were generous enough to let me come along, I owe it to you to be forthcoming about some of my… quirks.

I'll admit, I am something of a horndog, if my galaxy-spanning exploits wasn't evidence enough. You may find this hard to believe, but I actually hit puberty when I was ten, and, uh, lost my virginity when I was thirteen. Not that it was a confusing or even unpleasant experience, but that sort of thing changes a kid, y'know? I started focusing more on developing my charm and self-confidence, instead of feeling the shyness and dread that others my age were feeling on the subject. I thought that was the only natural thing to do, and it would be years later before I realized that no, that's not how it normally goes.

And upholding a confident image wasn't just tied to my libido. Before I punched my V-card, I was a wimp who couldn't stand up for myself, and even as I got older and smarter I was still ostracized by most others. To make up for that I kept finding ways to make myself stand out, to be the center of attention as this suave, confident dude who totally isn't insecure about anything. Whatever it took to distance myself from the weak kid I had been, even up to now when I'm a frickin' adult.

That doesn't justify my behavior up to now; I just wanted you all to be aware of where I'm coming from. At the very least I'll try to behave myself from here on out, and not step on your toes so much, Jo. I wasn't respecting your position as leader and I'm sorry for that much. And I'm also sorry for making any of you ladies uncomfortable, as well.

(Everyone sits quietly, considering)

Sylvia: Well, you were considerate enough to explain yourself, so I can forgive you at least.

Sally: To be fair I did hit you without warning, so I wasn't even aware about you trying to hit on me. I guess that makes us even in my book.

Will: Agggh, you did pull our rumps out of the fire. Just so long as you keep it respectful and not act like such a goober, then I'm okay with it.

Cope: You being a jackass is my biggest issue, since Squishy already fills that role. Keep that in check, and we're kosher.

Squishy: Oh come on Alex, I haven't been that annoying lately. At least, I like to think I haven't.

Sara: I appreciate you for coming forward about this, Lann. That makes you honest and sincere.

Gray: Again, not the worst case of horndogging I've seen in my lifetime.

Sylvia: To be honest, I'm actually a bit flattered you would want to try flirting with me. Apart from Squishy, nobody else in this whole galaxy has ever tried.

Lann: Blind, superficial fools, the lot of them. Fine tail like yours, any true man would be quaking at the knees.

Squishy: That's more or less what I've been saying!

Sylvia: Ohh stop. (Blush)

Rick: This isn't weird in the slightest.

Stan: Yeah.

Sam Jackson: (As Colonel Packard from "Kong: Skull Island") Just don't forget whose side you are on, soldier. You may think yourself some lofted, holier-than-thou scholar, but I ain't got time for research and theories and other sorts of bulls*** that can get my men killed. We are here to kill these God-forsaken monsters before they have a chance to even _see_ where we live. They may think themselves superior, with their wings, and their claws, and fire. But we, ladies and gentlemen, are here to teach them, beyond all shadows of doubt, that Man… is King.

(Everyone just stares at him)

Will: Uhhh, what was that?

Sam Jackson: (Back to normal) What was what?

Rick: Does anybody have any idea why he's doing this?

Sam Jackson: Doing what?

Lann: Hmmm. If I had to harbor a guess, the sheer abundance of mythical creatures maybe creating a tremendous build-up of thaumaturgical energy that is interfering with his trans-dimensional properties, causing him to shift between his many film characters at random.

Stan: Uhh, we can see that last part for ourselves. But what was the rest of that?

Anna: Magic! He means there's a s*** load of magic in the air that's screwing up Samuel Mother-F***ing Jackson's aura array, whatever. I honestly don't know how these random guest appearances work!

Sara: I've actually never thought of that either. How do they get here?

Squishy: Beats me.

Cope: That's a mystery I've long abandoned trying to unravel.

Sam Jackson: Just what in the h*** are all you mumbling about? What's this about my aura? Some chakra s***?

Lann: It's nothing, Sammy. Some New Age gibberish to tire us out.

Jo: Okay so general consensus is everyone is still okay with having this guy around. Well he still irks me but as Gray put it he's not really the worse. So yes Lann, I appreciate the apology and your willingness to not be a bother. Not like I was going to have any real say, anyway.

Cope: Welcome to my world.

Anna: So you all finally got to kiss and make up, splendid. Now how about we finally go to sleep; my head's feeling too heavy for this malarkey. (Hits ground covering self with blanket)

Squishy: Sounds like a good idea. Goodnight, everybody.

Sylvia: Good night, hon.

Gray: Good night, y'all.

Sara: Good night.

Sally: Sweet dreams.

Stan: Good night.

Will: Night.

Rick: Yep.

(Everyone tucks in. Jo just sits there looking at the fire)

Sam Jackson: You okay, man? You're still looking sour.

Jo: I somehow feel like I didn't get to vent as much as I wanted to, but things got all civil and weird and that kinda killed it for me.

Sam: Hmm. I can sorta relate, back in my younger days when I was coming out of my shell. But a guy like you is too old to get all ruffled over some guy prancing around. Take it from me: don't sweat the small stuff.

(Goes down to sleep. Jo averts his gaze to think over what he's been told, then fumes)

Jo: What was that about me being old?

Rick: Cuz you are.

Jo: (About to say something, but sighs instead) Whatever. Small stuff, right?

(Jo goes to bed grumbling, using the Force to put out the fire so everyone can sleep in total darkness)


	10. Episode 2 Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**A Random Encounter**

_Another night, another backstory. Lannius Drasec had managed to further smooth over his social faux-pas' and become more accepted into the party through divulging his life, endeavors, and even his shortcomings. Even Joseph begrudgingly acknowledged the man's sincerity, and whatever outrage he still felt withered away in sleep, though there's no telling if it will remain completely gone. But improved alliances would help the Jedi greatly, as their third day on planet Draconia would prove to be a weird one. How exactly? Just have a look._

* * *

(Late morning. The group is strolling through the forest in an uneven line)

Sara: Are you sure we're going the right way?

Will: Remember seeing those distant mountains through that clearing yesterday? The target area is right around there, so those peaks will be our waypoint.

Sara: But are we going the right way still?

Will: I guess. My sense of direction has yet to fail me.

Lann: The number of times I heard that line in movies, I can confidently say you may have invariably jinxed us. Not that I doubt your navigational skills, just stating the likelihood founded on statistical probability.

Rick: Based on fictitious media.

Lann: I'll have you know that my predictions have yet to fail me.

Jo: The number of times I heard that line before.

Anna: (Rubbing head) Can you children not bicker right now; I'm still dealing with a hangover.

Cope: I take it you can't focus that headache away?

Anna: I wouldn't be b***hin' if that wasn't the case. Go on and fix me up.

(As Cope uses the Force to cure Anna's hangover, Gray halts)

Gray: Stop! (Everyone screeches to a stand-still) I smell quarry… over there.

(They follow Gray over to a giant bush. Parting the leaves they see a wide, grassy path occupied by two large yellow wingless dragons with gray stripes over their bodies)

Sally: Didn't we see these guys back in the canyon?

Will: No; those were different.

Sara: What are they doing?

Lann: Foraging it seems. Doesn't look like they noticed us.

Gray: Good. That means we'll get the drop on 'em.

Sylvia: Do we have to? If they aren't in the way, we could just leave them alone.

Lann: As much as I'd want that, they can't be ignored. They're searching for food, meaning there's a chance they'll follow us if they pick up our scent. Legs like those, they'll have no trouble catching up to us. Better and safer to make the first strike while we have the chance.

Sylvia: Okay, I get it. How should it be done, then?

Jo: I say split into two teams; rush them at once so they can't coordinate.

Squishy: How bout we get up close and do silent takedowns? All stealthy-like.

Gray: I'm liking Jo's idea better. Rush in, catch them off guard and go crazy.

Rick: They don't strike me as the timid sort. Rushing them might rile them up.

Squishy: Safer with the stealth approach, I say.

Sam Jackson: Have to agree with Shorty on that one. Not that I'd do anything, but it'd mean less risk of attracting their attention in my direction.

Cope: Perhaps you can be a distraction, so we can get the jump on them while they're chasing you.

Sam Jackson: Oh, being a comedian this fine morning? Just yuck it up, Lurch.

Cope: Huh. That one's new.

Will: Can't believe none of us have thought of that.

Stan: I might have to remember that one.

Cope: Don't.

Gray: Hey, we're wasting valuable bum rush time. They're probably gonna catch wind of us any second now.

Sara: Then why not a compromise? Gray, you could—

(Two thunderous cracks fill the air almost simultaneously. The two dragons drop dead with large holes in their foreheads to the group's surprise)

?: You should just go with the first thing that pops into your head. It's a great time-saver.

(The group turns around and see, standing atop a rock, a lone gunman. He's a hefty sort, wearing glasses, having a multitude of chins, much girth and a belt begging to bust. He's decked in camo attire, covered with a grey combat vest. He holds a sniper rifle of ludicrous proportions at his side, a small trail of smoke rising from its barrel)

Sam Jackson: Who the...?

Will: I want those pants. (Gets weird look from Sara) What? We don't have any camo back at home.

Anna: Who the flick are you?

Guy: Of course, some introduction. The name's John. John Blubsoe. Nice to make your acquaintances, by the way.

Squishy: John Blubsoe… From the Holo-net?

John: That's correct, my little Jawa friend.

Jo: Now I remember: You're that one critic that everyone hates.

John: Yeeeeah, but nobody likes a critic, huh?

Squishy: I don't know: I've read comments online that your criticisms are especially harsh, and not in a helpful, constructive way. As in, primarily insults and personal attacks. I think there had been some death threats as well.

John: Well I can't help it if people are too soft to handle my review process. If the author-slash-creator themselves aren't up to snuff, then what difference does anything they put out make? I'm just trying to weed out the weakest of artists so that the most fortified and worthy can succeed and benefit society through a proliferation of quality work. People are just too sensitive and short-sighted to appreciate what I'm trying to do for them.

Rick: Yikes.

Sally: What's a Holo-net critic doing out here, anyway?

John: Ah, a legitimately relevant question. It's not to report the news, I can tell you that much. Rather, I'm simply here on vacation. A much needed one at that, given some... nasty business I had to deal with at work, recently. My spineless co-workers and the higher executives considered me too big a threat to keep around, and had sicced Dennis Miller on me to put an end to me. Honestly it almost seemed like their cowardly ploy would work, but I proved far too clever. Using my wits I offered my abductor a hard candy and absconded the moment his attention was diverted. I immediately got off Coruscant, though not before grabbing some special equipment. (Caresses rifle) Not many people know that I'm a dead-eye marksman with this thing. I can headshot a fighter pilot in regular space if I had too, which might have been the case if I was going to be followed. But that wasn't the case as my escape left those simpering execs too paralyzed with fear to do anything. Their time will come eventually, oh yes...

Stan: I had heard about Dennis Miller sightings. Guess that made you the cause.

Will: Why are you here of all places?

John: Simple: This planet just popped into existence on the very edge of the galaxy and was bound to be uninhabited (by people anyway), and therefore zero chance of anyone reporting my whereabouts. I thought I could lay low here until the heat died down. The natural quiet of this place really helps in formulating the kinds of intimidation, torture and bloodshed I will unleash with my vendetta against those feckless suits.

All: Riiiiiiiiight…

John: But some hours ago I saw you guys trekking through the woods and decided to follow you for a bit. When I saw you deliberating over your dragon problem, I figured I could lend some help.

Sara: That's awfully nice of you.

John: Not a problem. In fact, it was a pleasure.

Jo: Well we appreciate the help, bud, but we have to be on our way. Come on, guys.

(They start to leave)

John: Wait! (They stop) I see some people in your ranks that I'm not familiar with, i.e. aren't Jedi. Care to introduce them?

Cope: Not sure how that's any concern to you—

Sara: The new guys here are Gray,

Gray: Hi.

Sara: Lannius Drasec,

Lann: Yo.

Sara: And Mr. Samuel Jackson.

Sam Jackson: Hey there.

John: Samuel Jackson? As in THE Samuel Jackson?

Sam Jackson: Yeah, that's me.

John:...I don't see how that's possible.

Sam Jackson: Well your guess is as good as mine as to why I'm still here.

John: Uh-huh. Anyways, I can see you have quite the assortment of tagalongs. Do any of them have the same combat prowess as you Jedi?

Lann: I dare say so, pal. Gray there is a professional slayer, I'm a combat-worthy scholar, and Sam Jackson is Sam Jackson. In other words, we're quite the effective men-at-arms.

John: I see. The reason I ask is that I'm considering joining your group. You all appear specialized for up-close combat, which has a number of disadvantages. I could provide some long-range support with my trusty rifle here to offset that.

Will: Why exactly would you want to come along with us, if you've been roughing it on your own up till now?

John: It's always safer to travel in groups when in a hostile environment, and I could think of it as a hunting party with all the dragons you're bound to run into. Plus there _maaaay_ have been some unsavory critiques about your past exploits I made that I'm hoping to make up for. Perhaps revise them to something considerably more favorable with the help of some proper, firsthand accounts of your heroism. Whaddya say to that?

Jo: Hmmm… Group huddle!

(The Jedi and their guests huddle up. We're kept out of this one and are left watching from John's perspective, who patiently whistles while looking over his hand. The huddle then breaks up)

Sara: Thanks for waiting.

John: No prob.

Jo: The council has come to a decision. You, John Blubsoe, holo-vision critic and expert marksmen... will NOT be joining our party.

(John grins as victory music preemptively plays, but it sputters and grinds to a stop when John registers what he's been told)

John: What?!

Jo: We have more than enough people traveling in this group, all of whom are very much capable of fending for themselves and the others—

Rick: Sam Jackson is debatable.

Lann: Hush!

Sam Jackson: He's not entirely wrong.

Jo: So we feel that adding one more person would complicate our logistics and the like.

Sally: Specifically food.

Squishy: It's nothing personal, but we're at max capacity.

John: Max capacity? Are you serious? It's a planet-sized forest; I don't think space is an issue. I might be big, but so is Mr. Drasec here, and why would you turn down a long-range expert?

Will: We just don't have room for one.

John: How can you not have room for guns? Dragons fly and you need something to bring them down, I mean honestly!

Gray: That hasn't been a problem so far.

John: Okay, just hear me out. (Starts patting self) I have my own set of rations on me, and besides my rifle and the clothes on my back I have nothing that can be a burden to your group. (An envelope falls out of his vest and flops onto the ground, spilling out what appears to be photos) Eeeexcept for those...

Sally: What is that?

Sara: Let's look. (She Force snatches up the photos and envelope)

John: Don't! Put that down!

(Everyone looks over the photos as Sara goes through them)

Cope: What the h**l?

Stan: It's us.

Lann: Interesting…

(Indeed, it's a large number of photos of the Jedi and crew trekking through the jungle from various hidden angles, at varying times of day)

John: That stuff is confidential! You're violating my right to privacy, I'll have you know!

Rick: You've been spying on us?

John: Err, just a little while ago. For reconnaissance purposes—

Sally: And there's us camping!

John: Okay, so I actually came across you guys last night but didn't want to intrude—

Sara: No, there's shots of places we've been to yesterday. Wait, you took a picture of me going to the bathroom?!

Sam Jackson: What the f**k?!

Jo: Let me have a look.

All: JO!

Jo: I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But holy crap, seriously?

Anna: I knew it! I told ya he couldn't be trusted!

John: Wait, you said what about me?

Cope: That's irreleva—

John: No! You said I couldn't come because you were at max capacity, but now I'm hearing something else. What exactly did you people discuss?

Jo: Listen, that's not the main issue here—

John: It absolutely is! What she said has rendered your cause for rejection null on the grounds of being total bulls**t. Either that, or she's trying to make herself sound like a pillar of moral integrity, which is a total sham if you recall her past.

Anna: I'm still more trustworthy than you, Peeping Tub!

John: Your _slander_ aside, I demand to know the _true_ reason you didn't want me to come along!

Will: Why are you so hung up on that—

Lann: Well if you really want to know, we were saying how smug and sketchy you looked and how we didn't need some whiny critic, and now that we see that you're a stalking creep on top of that then we absolutely don't want you around.

Sally: Yeah!

Gray: So beat it, bub!

John: Oh, is that how it is? First you insult my intelligence by lying to my face and now you're calling me a creep when I've been nothing but cordial to you up to this point? That sirs and madams is defamation and that's just landed you in some serious legal—

(There's a clack as we see Sam Jackson hold up a Winchester rifle while looking like Marquis Warren from "The Hateful Eight")

Sam Jackson: Now that that lip of yours is all buttoned up, I suggest you turn tail and git before I blow a hole wide enough in your fat belly to fit my black dingus. And yes, it _is_ an impressively wide Johnson.

(John looks ready to start a fight, but backs down with a seething grimace)

John: Okay. I got the hint. I'll let you go about your day, chatting and giggling and breathing in that untainted air of judgmental superiority. But mark my words: this isn't over. Our little dispute will be settled before any of you get off planet, when you least expect it. With that said, here's a courtesy piece of constructive criticism: you seriously need to work on your perception and surveillance skills if a big guy like me could tail you unnoticed these past few days. Utterly lacking is what they are.

(John hefts up his rifle and leaps off into the brush out of sight)

Stan: That got a little intense at the end, don't you guys think?

Anna: Just empty threats from a big-headed correspondent who's been exposed for the slimy sleaseball that he is. I mean can you believe that a**-hole? Takes all these photos in secret and has the nerve to act like he's the victim!

Rick: At least he's easily scared off.

Lann: Thanks to good ol' Intimidation Sam.

Sam Jackson: (Back to normal) Intimidation what? And who's rifle is this?

Will: I'll take that. (Unburdens Sam of his rifle and stuffs it into his clothes) Always wanted one for my collection.

Squishy: Regardless, we should be more alert from here on out. He did raise a good point about us not noticing him.

Cope: Would certainly be embarrassing if he got the jump on us after that.

Sylvia: At least he took care of those dragons for us, which means we can keep going this way.

Gray: Awwww, I didn't get to take out either of them. (weeps)

Sara: There's always next time, Gray. I mean, it's still a planet full of dragons.

Gray: Huh. You're definitely right about that.

Jo: Well let's move out, already.

(They continue their trek away from the site of the random encounter with the spurned critic)


	11. Episode 2 Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**Orochi**

_The strange encounter with the sharpshooter critic John Blubsoe left our heroes filled with various questions. Who exactly was this man? What was his true motive for being on the planet? Why all those secretive photos of the Jedi? Would he truly seek retribution in the near future? These questions were soon forgotten, however, as the hunger that had been building since they broke camp that morning eroded all other concerns away. Thus, lunch was in order._

* * *

(A forest clearing. Jo is standing by himself, but then others begin coming in from all directions)

Jo: What'd you guys find?

Sara: Me and Anna found some fruit on a nearby tree.

Jo: Swell.

Squishy: I found a crapload of mushrooms under a rock.

Sara: Blegh.

Sally: Me and Stan found some fat juicy grubs.

Anna: Now _that's_ blegh.

Rick: I don't think we'll be having those, Sal.

Sally: Ha! I'm willing to do whatever's necessary for survival, bro, and you're supposed to be the toughest of us three.

Cope: Then we'll be sure to turn to you when we want to try the survivalist lifestyle. If Will doesn't mind.

Will: Why do you need my consent?

Jo: Gray, any luck?

(There's a great thump as a pile of flesh hits the ground, Gray puffing out his chest with a massive grin)

Gray: Dragon meat!

Lann: You found dragons out there? I didn't hear anything.

Gray: I went back and got the two that had been killed. No sense letting good food go to waste, and they're mostly dirt-free!

Jo: But that was miles ago. You honestly walked, ran, all that way and lugged all this just so we could have a decent meal? (Gray nods) You're a good man, Gray.

Sam Jackson: I found a rock... What the f**k's that supposed to mean?

Snoopy: It means pay me royalties, b***h!

(Holds out paws, but Cope punt kicks him out of the clearing. And the crowd goes wild!)

Cope: I never cared for that comic.

Jo: Well, I say we have just about enough. How bout getting a fire going next?

(Anna whips out a Rod of Flame and tosses it onto a leaf pile, which erupts into a strong blaze)

Gray: Now we dig in!

(They sit around the fire and set up cooking racks. After a while everyone is eating cooked meat and fruit, putting them all in good spirits, eating and chatting. At the edge of the clearing, Squishy is happily munching on his mushroom bounty)

Squishy: Man these things are good! Everything seems more pronounced and incredible for some reason. Oh God, I can't get enough of these! You sure you don't want any?

Sam Jackson: Naw you good. (Bites into his leg of dragon) Maybe if you could make it into a sauce, but otherwise no thank you.

Sylvia: Just try to pace yourself, dear. And have some water to drink.

(But Squishy munches on, lost in the fungal flavors and hallucinogenics. The brush near him rustles, and a long, shadowy form slithers silently close to him, but pulls back as Squishy looks around. Seeing nothing, the Jawa shrugs and continues eating. The thing in the brush, however, slithers back out and goes for Squishy's mushroom pile and sniffs them. Then in a swift motion it snatches the pile and retreats. When Squishy reaches for another helping he is surprised at feeling the empty ground. Looking over, he gasps at the absence of his food, before hearing the rustling outside the clearing)

Squishy: (Flipping out) My shrooms! The vegetables have come to take back their own. But I won't let them; they're too d**n delicious!

(Whips out lightsaber and leaps off yelling. He charges through the group, knocking food out of people's hands while cutting whatever food flies at his face)

Jo: Squishy, what the h**l!

Gray: My fixin's!

Cope: D***it, you Jawa!

(Squishy makes it over to the other end of the clearing and begins slicing a path through the foliage)

Gray: Where's he going? He must answer for my fallen feast!

Lann: I say we follow him, and when he stops we beat him with sticks.

Sam Jackson: (Brandishing branch) I'm way down for that!

(They all give chase. In the woods, Squishy continues babbling as he cuts and sears a path through the forest. At some point he reaches an open area and stops, looking around menacingly. The others catch up to him)

Anna: Squishy, what's your flippin' deal, man?

Stan: Why are you freaking out on us, Dad?

Squishy: It was the potato! It had to be; the b***h backstabbed me and told the others! They want me to suffer without my shroomage, but I will find and slice them so no leaves, spuds, roots or whatnot can st—!

Cope: I'm seriously going to slap your mouth off your face!

Sylvia: Squishy calm down! Here, have some pocky and relax. (Pulls some out)

Squishy: (Becomes gleeful) Pocky!

(He takes the biscuit sticks and gobbles them down, having lost his deranged look. Everyone produces anime sweat drops)

Jo: Pocky?

Sylvia: He started liking them some weeks ago, and for some reason they're like a sedative to him. I keep some on me for potential freak-out emergencies.

Sara: Weird.

Cope: Slapping would've been more effective in the long term, I say.

Lann: Well, guess there's no sense beating a man enjoying his snack.

Sam Jackson: But he just went and ruined ours!

Sally: Buuuut he didn't actually hit us.

Sam Jackson:...Fine, whatever. (Drops stick disappointingly) But he d*** well better give me some of that pocky.

Jo: That can be discussed back at the clearing, so let's head there.

(As they're about to leave, some rustling is heard. Squishy stiffens)

Squishy: It's him.

Sylvia: Him who?

Squishy:...The Stash Stealer.

(The rustling gets closer and louder)

Rick: Whatever it is, it sounds big.

(As the rustling nears mumbles are heard)

Stan: What kind of noise is…?

(Then from a large bush in the front of them springs out a great serpentine creature. Its long neck is covered in lots of scales that resemble ancient battle armor. Its face bears two great evil eyes and a long muzzle filled with sharp teeth. It's wearing a helmet atop its head shaped like a flame with a glaring white kanji symbol engraved in it. Overall it has the look of an ancient East Asian dragon painting, aglow in a mythical aura that makes it shine like gold. The creature opens its mouth as though to speak, but every time it does only mutters and half-grunts come out)

Sara: What language is it speaking?

Will: Nothing of this galaxy. Lann, any idea?

Lann: Nothing draconic to my highly-specialized knowledge.

(The beast, becoming frustrated, reaches its head off-screen, bites something, and pulls back to slam down a text bar at the bottom of the screen. Now everything it says becomes closed captioned)

Cope: Huh, like Banjo-Kazooie. Thought it sounded familiar

Dragon: So you are the Outlanders trespassing upon my domain. Small, yet numerous. Like irksome bacteria.

Anna: What the freak are you supposed to be?

Dragon: (Growls) Feeble insects such as yourselves would be wise in presenting oneself in a manner that acknowledges my status. Disrespect will only bring horrific agony upon your lowly lives.

Sara: Well how are we supposed to do that if we don't even know what you are, Mr. Goldypants?

Dragon: Very well. So you may properly conduct yourselves, you have the immense privilege of standing before Orochi: Ruler of Darkness, Bringer of Evil and Death to All. That is how you shall address me whilst you continue living.

Lann: Orochi… Oh that's it: Japanese mythology. You definitely have that oriental look to ya. But you're supposed to have at least seven more heads, aren't you?

Orochi: The nature of my present form needs not explaining to arrogant mortals that invade my land without respect or fear.

Will: Jeez this guy is really full of himself.

Gray: What's that about us trespassing? You own this place?

Orochi: In the Land of the Divine Beasts I am King. My rule is unquestionable, and it allows no asylum for those who enter as unwelcome intruders, yourself included Dragon Slayer.

Sara: You know about Gray?

Orochi: I know about each and every one of you. Anything that walks the earth, swims the rivers or soars the skies I know all there is to know. No thought or intent can escape my piercing gaze, and what I see within all of you serves no use for what I desire.

Lann: Which is?

Orochi: Perfection. The pure dragon essence blanketing this planet has been defiled by you, the Outlander scum. Such unsavory presence must be dealt with.

Squishy: Hey before you get into any more of that, how bout this: Gimme back my freakin' mushrooms! I know you got 'em!

Sylvia: Squishy, I seriously doubt those are important right—

Orochi: Is it mushrooms you seek, Offspring of the Sands? I can grant you an endless bounty of them, among other delights.

Squishy: Huh?

Jo: Whuh?

Orochi: At this moment I feel generous enough to offer you the chance to serve as my Dark Messengers, to spread word of my terrible glory to all other Outlanders. In exchange, your lives will be spared and you shall receive all that you desire: Power, wealth, beverage, anything. All you need to do to accept is pledge undying, unwavering loyalty to Me and Me Alone. To hold me far above all those you had considered gods as your one true Master.

Lann: Beverage, eh? Sounds promising, but then again you are a being of Absolute Evil and I'm more of the Light-sided kind, although maybe if you conjured up a quick sample—

Sally: No! Evil bad!

Jo: You tell him, Sal!

Cope: Screw you and your promise of evil and benefits!

Anna: Yeah! I provide all that and only require being regarded and treated as a queen, so you can take that lousy deal and shove it!

Squishy: I'd never side with the freak that steals my goodies any day of the week, ever!

Sam Jackson: Yeah! F**k off, ugly!

Orochi: I see: The defiance you hold towards the Forces of Dark are not united, but rather consequential. It only takes one strong will to rally the weak into moderate resistance. A pitiful show of unity if I ever did see one.

Rick: Who you calling pitiful? All you're doing is talking.

Squishy: And stealing mushrooms!

Orochi: Still you remain unimpressed, not only of my majestic visage but also of my words. If it is proof of the sincerity of my offer you want, I leave unto you these instructions.

(There's a flash in the sky, and in an instant an arrow with white plumage strikes the ground before Sara. Wrapped around it is a scroll)

Orochi: However, if you still choose to cling to your narrow-minded pursuit of righteousness and balk my generosity still, then I have only this to say: Leave My Land immediately. Depart far from here, for if you do not, my wrath will fall upon you as the falling of stars. And if you even think you can withstand my Judgment, then you are truly deluded. Sayonara, Outlanders. Choose well. (He pulls back and out of sight)

Jo: Hunh. That was something.

Cope: I can't help thinking of the Financer with how much he was talking down to us.

Will: God I'd be so pissed if that had actually been him in some stupid costume.

Sylvia: No. He'd be out boasting and belittling as himself, just like the Contractor.

Rick: Except that time when he _didn't_.

(Sara has pulled up the arrow and unraveled the scroll from its shaft)

Stan: What's it say?

Gray: Tear it up. There's no way in Hell I'm working for a dragon, especially one so blatantly evil.

Sam Jackson: I agree with you on that.

Sara: Okay. (Tears it up) "Dark Messenger" was a dead giveaway as to his alignment, anyway.

Lann: It's weird. The Orochi of Japanese legend was just some eight-headed serpent that fed on fair maidens and no other ambitions beyond that. This one must be some kind of variant.

Squishy: Wait… He might be...

Sylvia: Might be what, Squishy?

Squishy: I'm pretty sure I've seen him somewhere. Like in a video game.

Anna: That's about your only frame of reference for anything, dude.

Sally: He sounded real ominous there. And also, knowing about us just by sensing us? Pretty creepy.

Cope: Again, it's just threatening words and some archery. Though it'd be prudent to be wary of him in the future, along with that Blubsoe character.

Anna: Duh.

Gray: Anyway, all of this is making me hungry. Can we go back to camp?

Jo: Yes, let's.

Will: Yup.

(They head back)

Gray: Oh, one thing first. (Hits Squishy atop head with his knuckles) That's for spilling my grub. (Moves on)

Squishy: Owww— (Gets shoulder punched by Lann)

Lann: That's for all the unnecessary noise.

(Sam Jackson comes up and whacks Squishy with a stick)

Sam Jackosn: That's because I wanted to, and I won't be f***ing denied a second time.

Squishy: Alright I get it— (Gets knocked down by Cope's foot)

Cope: That's for reminding me why I've always been irked by you.

(They all leave. Squishy gets back up in pain and rejection)

Squishy: Heavy is the price… of partaking in dope mushies.

(Stumbles after the group)


	12. Episode 2 Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**New Breed**

_A vow of vengeance from a critic, and an ominous warning from a divine serpent. Things were beginning to get a little more worrisome for our intrepid heroes, but they still pressed on with their journey and put these concerns aside for a later time. Following their meeting with Orochi, the group would march on unimpeded for several hours. But as evening approached, they would soon confront something that would test their very mettle._

* * *

(The sky begins entering the twilight phase as we see the men of the group trudging along and chatting)

Jo: You can't honestly be serious can you?

Lann: I am. Though Carmen Electra is a fine piece of a**, I'd still go for Halle Berry any day of the week.

Sam Jackson: And she's got the smarts, too. Maybe a bit too young for me, but a swell package all around.

Will: Yeah, I'd go for her too.

Squishy: (Gasp) What would Sara say?

Will: It's not like I'd _actually_ go for her. It's only guy talk, Squish.

Squishy: Oh, right.

Gray: Say, what kind of gal you into, Squishy? Uh, apart from reptiles.

Cope: That's a dead end line of inquiry. His mind's only been on the one person for years.

Squishy: Because I'm a loving and faithful husband and Sylvia's all I need and want!

Lann: We should take him to a strip club so he can loosen up.

Jo: I know some good joints we can get in easily. Some that could even accommodate his tastes.

Squishy: Blugh?!

(The guys have a good laugh. Over to the girls)

Sara: Okay Anna, your turn. Friend, f**k or kill: Peter Jackson, Sam Raimi and Uwe Boll.

Anna: Uh-uh no way I'm not setting myself up for this nonsense. Besides, that's way too easy.

Sally: You suuure?

(The ladies giggle. Suddenly there is a loud roar that quiets everyone and makes them stop)

Stan: That was a dragon, wasn't it?

Lann: Yep. A pretty strong one from the—

(There's another roar, pained and powerful enough to disorient the group)

Squishy: Gah! My ears!

Anna: What in the heck?!

(Another stronger roar, only words can be heard within it)

_Huuuurt!_

Gray: Who said that!?

_Paaaaain!_

Will: That was in my head!

Sylvia: Mine too!

Sam Jackson: The f***in' same!

_It is too much! Make it STOOOP!_

Jo: My head's seriously gonna split if this keeps up!

Anna: Then let's find the source and shut it down already!

Sally: But where?

(Another pained roar)

Lann: Follow the noise!

(They all stumble around through the woods covering their ears while following the incessant protests. After what seems like forever)

Rick: Gah, I think I'm about deaf! But I think it's over there.

(They break through some brush to discover a clearing, within which they find a sight that makes them stop in their tracks. Laying before them is a massive crimson dragon with rough scales and skin that hung in flaps from around its neck. Its two forelimbs held great leathery wings, and it has a long thick tail with a ragged, rounded end that had the look of smoldering charcoal. Atop its big head are two thick horns above searing yellow eyes. The dragon writhes and twists in crippling pain, letting out roars in random bursts. Kneeling beside the dragon a man in a blue and gray tunic with gray pants, burgundy hair, a shaggy face and missing one eye pets the dragon gently as though trying to soothe it, but seemingly to no avail)

Jo: The h*** did we just walk into?

(The dragon lets off another deafening roar)

_Wretched humans! Come to slay me in this horrid state. How typically underhanded, it boils my… wait… Something about them is different. Some feel similar to GRAAAAAAAAH! Cursed AGONYYY!_

(The dragon flops a bit)

Cope: I guess that, or rather she, is the one yelling in our heads.

Stan: Is that even possible?

Lann: For her it is. That there is Angelus from the Drakengard series.

_Hrh?! How do you know my name? Vile curs invading my m—AAAIIEEEG!_

(Angelus wretches some more)

Squishy: Another video game dragon. We've been running into a lot of them so far.

(Another roar)

_This vicious thing is carving my insides with searing anguish! I have never experienced such pain in all my life! I just want it to end!_

Jo: Dude, what's her deal?

Lann: Uh, yeah, I'd like to know that as well. (To Angelus) Maybe, if possible, you could clarify for us as to what's wrong?

_You ignorant vermin, I am _pregnant_! This accursed spawn is rending my very being and will not relent! THAT is my problem you miserable wastes of bone and flesh! GAAAAAAAA!_

(The man next to her holds her neck tight and tries to keep her still)

Cope: A pregnant dragon...

Sylvia: And in labor from the sounds of it.

Lann: (Awestruck) Oh, My, God… Is this real? Am I dreaming? Somebody pinch me I must be dreaming! (Jo comes over and gives a purple nurple) Aghh you b****rd!

Jo: You didn't say where.

Lann: Okay, I'm not dreaming; it's really happening! The first truly authentic eye-witness account of a dragon giving birth, and I'm at ground zero! I get to see it happen! I'm gonna see it lay eggs, or give live birth. (Stops with a shocked expression) Holy s**t… If dragons give live birth… That could change the very foundation of Dragonology, and I'd be the one to report such a discovery! My career would shoot through the roof; I'll be recognized by the entire scientific community! (Points up to sky) In your face, Applied Science Research douchebags! (Gives middle fingers to the sky and laughs madly) Who's the crazy one now, B***hes?! (Goes on celebrating like a mad man)

Sara: Don't know if I feel just as excited about this. Maybe we should go elsewhere and give them some privacy?

_YES please go somewhere else and spare me your inane talking and let me languish in peace! Or better still, just drop dead ALL OF YOU!_

Lann: (Snaps into focus) What, no no we can't leave! This is a major scientific and historical event that's going down; someone has to be here to observe and record this.

Sam Jackson: I dunno, man. Seems pretty invasive.

_INCREDIBLY INVASIVE!_

Sam Jackson: Plus I think the baby daddy should be the one here, or some doctor or midwives or some s*** like that.

Lann: Actually, good suggestion! Hey, Angelus, can you tell us who the father is.

_Are you serious?_

Rick: Really, Lann?

Sara: I'm actually a bit curious about that.

Sally: Me too! And why would he ditch you when his kid's about to be born?

_He didn't "ditch" me, he's right here you insufferable buffoons!_

Will: Ah, like gathering food or something.

Stan: And that guy right there must be a good friend looking after her while he's away.

_NO you utter rambling idiots this man _IS_ the father! Caim is the one who planted this hellish thing in me and made me into this pathetic mass of TORMENT!_

(At hearing this everyone goes dead serious)

Jo: That guy… is the father. As in… he knocked you up—

Cope: Impregnated a huge flippin' dragon yep we all heard that correctly.

Sam Jackson: God-D***… That is some real f***ing courage to pull something like that off. That, and the strongest f***in' pelvis in the universe.

Sally: That's if she was on top. They could have done it missionary, or he could've gotten behind her with the tail out of the way. Probably needed to warm her up first. Bet he needed the entire arm for that. Maybe both.

Squishy: Sally! Where's all this coming from?!

Sally: I'm an adult, dad. I'm free to think up any dirty, degenerate thing I want. Lots of people do it, and I bet you and your friends did it when you were younger.

Squishy: Well, yes. It's just, I never expected to hear that kind of stuff from my own daughter…

Sally: Then I guess I'll keep all the fun times I had on tour to myself, heeheehee.

Squishy: *Shocked Father Noises*****

Sylvia: Think of your dear father's heart, Sally.

Stan: And your brother's!

(Everyone looks at and waits on Rick)

Rick: Umm… Okay? (Shrug)

Anna: That's seriously TMI under these circumstances, is what I gotta say.

Lann: (Ponders aloud) Hmmm. Didn't think it was possible for humans and dragons to breed, at least conventionally. Maybe it's how the biology in their universe works. Definitely requires further review.

Sylvia: Maybe after this is all over with. If they want us around.

_WE DO NOT!_

Lann: But, science has to know!

Cope: Science can do just as well watching from a far distance, behind the bushes.

Will: That sounded way wrong, Alex.

Cope: Yes; too late I know this.

(Meanwhile, Gray has been standing and shuddering, making grunts of consternation while one of his eyes twitched)

Will: Hey, Gray, you okay there?

Gray: N, n, n-n-n… It's not right.

Sally: Gray?

Gray: Dragons befriending humans; dragons looking like humans; dragons _mating_ with humans. I, it's gone too far! (Busts out arm blades) I can't take this anymore! I'm putting a stop to this!

(He begins stomping toward Angelus)

Sally: Somebody stop him!

Jo: Hold him down!

(Rick, Will, Lann, Cope, Stan, and even Squishy rush up and grab onto Gray. Their combined weight is enough to hold him in place, but he jerks and grunts in trying to get loose. Nearby, Caim notices the commotion and stands up, brandishing a long red-edged broad sword)

Cope: Get a hold of yourself!

Will: Easy there, easy! Just calm down.

Gray: Let, go of me! I have to, do this!

Stan: He's really strong!

Squishy: Everything's fine, Gray—

Gray: It's not fine! That dragon's gonna birth some hybrid abomination! How can any of you be fine with that?

Rick: Who do you think you've been traveling with all this time, you meat-headed a**hole?

Gray: Shut it! You guys are—

Rick: I recall you wanted to cut us down when you first heard what we were, but then you didn't. What changed your mind?

Gray: That's cuz I know you guys—

Sally: So these two are different only because they're strangers?

Cope: Honestly, even though it's a big nasty-looking dragon we're talking about here—

_Watch your d***ed tongue, you emaciated scarecrow!_

Cope: What you're wanting to do is in _severely_ poor taste.

Sylvia: Not to mention appalling!

Sally: Yeah!

Gray: But, I, they, it's, it's… (Exasperated, he falls to his knees, bringing the guys down with him) It's all too weird. Dragons aren't supposed to be like this. None of them ever were...

Lann: Well you're not exactly home. Figured you'd have gotten used to it by now.

Sam Jackson: (Looking like Russell Franklin from "Deep Blue Sea") But I know exactly what you mean. Hostile, untamed environment. Sights, too terrible and bizarre to behold. All that can drive anyone to their wits' end, make them lose hope. And with that, they also lose reason. We've all seen how deadly nature can get out here, but it doesn't hold a candle to man. It only takes a little slip for someone to lose control, give in to their basest emotions and utterly decimate all that is around them, friend and foe alike. But, we're all in this together, and must therefore stand together. If we're gonna keep surviving, have any hope of getting back to civilization, we are not going to fight any more! So get yourself together and pull yourself up, otherwise we're all as good as dead.

(Everyone just looks up at Sam Jackson, soaking in his speech. Gray lets out a sigh and eases up)

Gray: You're right. We're a team, and teammates shouldn't go flippin' out. Puts everyone in danger. Yet here I am losing my head again, even when I swore I'd keep it cool. I'm a disgrace…

Sylvia: You didn't hurt anyone, so you can be forgiven.

Squishy: Yeah. And people can crack when presented with the weirdest of things.

Will: And he would know.

Gray: I thought I had learned that when we met. Still, thanks for reigning me in. You're all a swell bunch, and probably the second best group I've had the fortune to roll with.

Cope: That's flattering.

Stan: So since you're calmed down and all I guess we can just let—

_NIAAAAAARRRRRGE!_

(Everyone shuts up. Caim puts away his sword and goes back to his paramour's neck)

Cope: What is it this time?

_It's coming! By the Merciless Watchers it's nearly here!_

Jo: Crap, I forgot she was in labor. Nice of you to have stayed quiet about that until now, lady.

Anna: Shut up, Jo! A baby something is on its way and we aren't the least bit prepared!

All: Ah Crikey!

(Everyone starts running around in a panic. Sam Jackson has now donned the dapper look of Stephen from "Django: Unchained")

Sam Jackson: Oh lawdy I don't need no white boys and girls runnin' round makin' no d*** fuss. I brought three generations of Candie men into the world so this great affront to Gawd is in good hands. If someone can whip me up some warm water and a bevvy of towels that'd be swell.

Sara: I got the towels! And also this sponge for some reason!

Squishy: Holy crap a baby's coming oh God I'm losing it uhh uhh uhhhhh! (Gets grabbed by Cope)

Cope: Get a grip, man! You're a father; you've been through this thing before.

Squishy: I-I-I didn't actually get to see it happen! I was in a waiting room the whole time. (Gets dropped by Cope)

Cope: Still you continue finding ways to disappoint me as a person!

Squishy: You try having kids of your own and do better!

Anna: Arguing isn't gonna help at all, guys!

Sally: (Panicking) What to do what to do what to do what to dooooo!

Sylvia: We have more than enough helping hands, sweetie. There's no need to fret.

Rick: Deep breaths, sis. Look away if you need to.

Stan: Good advice.

(Meanwhile, Lann slides to a sitting position next to Caim)

Lann: Don't panic: One of my previous girlfriends was a full-time midwife. Caim, be my wingman. (Caim simply nods) Sara, sponge me up!

Sara: Sponging! (Wipes Lann's forehead with sponge)

_Grah! I can feel it getting closer!_

Sylvia: We should take positions!

Gray: I've got fire control!

Stan: I'll be waaaay back from the splash zone! (Leaps to nearby bush)

Sam Jackson: (Slipping around back) I got the bizness end. Bring me dem towels!

Sylvia: Coming!

Will: I'm not liking how this is gonna go.

Lann: Breathe Angelus, breathe. Try to relax a bit. Caim, tell her the same.

_Relax!? Try harboring a demon in you for months only to have it claw its way out of you, THEN TRY RELAXING!_

Lann: Just focus on pushing so it'll end quicker, Angie.

Squishy: Oh she's pushing already? Oh god that's freaking me out more okay deep breaths deep breaths just like Lann said eggghh it's getting hot and head's buzzing oh man oh cripes—

All: Squishy just Chill the F**k OUT!

(Angelus begins groaning with heavy breaths)

Lann: You're doing good, doing good, keep it up keep it up—

Sam Jackson: It looks to be crownin'!

Sylvia: It definitely is!

_I can't take it anymore!_

Anna: Oi the suspense is killing me!

_I'M ABOUT TO BREAK!_

Sam Jackson: Oh here it comes!

Jo: She's gonna Blooooooow!

_RAAAAAAAAAAAA_—

Squishy: AAAAAAAAA—

Cope: YAAAAAAA—

Will: WAAAAAAAA—

Sally: EEEEEEEE—

Sam Jackson: HOOOOOOO—

Sylvia: NEEEEEEEEE—

Gray: GRAAAAAAA—

Sara: AIIIEEEE—

Hank Hill: BWAAAAAA—

Caim: …!

Jo: KAAAAAA—

Stan: MEEEEEE—

Rick: HAAAAA—

Lann: MEEEEE—

Goku: HAAAAAAAAAA!

All: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!**

* * *

(One explosively graphic depiction of birth and many towels later, the clearing is all quiet. The Jedi and friends are standing on one side looking pretty frazzled but relieved. In the middle, Angelus is now standing next to Caim. In Caim's arms he holds a small burgundy blanket, and in it rests a sleeping human-like babe whose skin has a crimson shimmer to it. Both Caim and Angelus look quietly down at their bundle of joy)

Lann: I can safely say the birth was a complete success. Congrats: You're the proud parents of a bonified half-dragon. Yep, the thing I wished I could've been born as. (Begins to tear up) To see one in person… Now I can die happy. (Sniff)

_Looking at this creature… I feel a welling of warm emotion. It's almost the same as what I feel when I am with Caim, only this permeates every fiber of my being like a soothing flame._

Sylvia: That's the immense love and affection you have for your child. It's a pretty heady experience at first.

_It certainly is. I honestly never thought I was capable of producing motherly affection. My life has been nothing but strife and bloodshed. To imagine contentment in producing so small a thing. It's… such a welcome change._

(She lowers her head and softly licks the face of the child)

Sally: It's just so touching seeing a mom bond like that. I kinda get choked up seeing things like that. (Sniff)

Squishy: Me too, sweetie.

Rick: Hmph.

Anna: Ehhhh, you're a whole family of saps. There's nothing wrong with that, Ricky.

Jo: The kid doesn't look too bad, really.

Gray: He could pass for a normal human.

Will: A glimmery human.

Cope: Yep.

Sam Jackson: (Still in character) I dare say I ain't seen no child come out cleaner den dat. Which is a remarkable thing considerin' how much was gushed out.

Stan: Oh please don't mention that, urk.

_You really are all strange. Not just the one named Squishy or what I assume are his kin, or the armored one, but all you humans. While you were discourteous in ignoring my wishes, you did offer some help in bringing our child into the world. And for that at least, you have our appreciation._

Lann: It was no problem. In fact, it was an absolute honor to have assisted.

Gray: Real sorry about me trying to get the jump on you. I've not had the best experience dealing with dragons most my life.

_At least you had the humility to apologize. Where we are from, the hearts of men and women were black with greed, power and lust. Even without the corrupting influence of the Watchers, humans engaged in conflicts over the most trivial, shortsighted things. It was in one of these conflicts that I met Caim and became pact-partners with him, bringing peace to the land. But even then the humans betrayed us and sought to keep us apart, eventually leading to our seeming demise. Such acts were why I harbored such spite and hatred for humanity._

_However, instead of oblivion or damnation we found ourselves in a strange, otherworldly paradise. I know not how long exactly we wandered here, but Caim stayed with me the entire time, mending my shattered mind and quelling the rage that had long consumed me. In him I could feel trust, security, love, and… other intimate matters. Which inevitably led to this joyous outcome._

Sylvia: That is absolutely wonderful to hear. It sounds like you both truly deserve one another.

(Caim nods his head. Meanwhile, Lann is furiously scribbling notes)

Lann: Fascinating up the wazoo! You two have been wandering here long enough to gestate a half-breed, which would amount to around ten months or more. And this planet has only appeared close to a week ago, which means it didn't just form out of nothingness. It could very well have existed in an alternate dimension and was pulled into ours by some unknown force, or perhaps created from multiple landscapes being slapped together into one sphere. So many theories and possibilities that requires further investigation in fields I have absolutely no specialty in.

Cope: That actually is fascinating.

_Whatever miracle or sorcery brought us here matters not to us. This land is rich and bountiful enough for us to raise our son with ease, and no humans around to corrupt his mind and heart. Unless they happened to be as accepting and helpful as yourselves. Then that would be tolerable._

Sara: Any idea what you're gonna name your son?

Lann: Yes! For scientific documentation!

(There's a pause as the happy couple converse telepathically)

_We shall name him Nowe. After the young man who helped us reunite and freed us of our past torment. Yes. A truly fitting name._

Jo: Say, uh, it's been great helping you out and talking and all, but we have prior engagements that need attending so we have to be on our way.

Squishy: Are you two alright being alone?

_Yes. With my fire and Caim's steel we will utterly destroy any who dare attack us. But thank you again for what you have done. The nature of this realm's human race has put me at ease. Hopefully we may cross paths again, should you return._

Cope: Not sure when that might ever be, but yeah, glad we made a good impression on you.

Sally: So long you two!

Stan: Take care!

Squishy: See ya Caim and Angelus.

_Farewell, to all of you. May your travels be safe and swift._

(Caim gives a wave with one of his hands. Everyone says their goodbyes and the group leaves. Yet Stan stays behind thinking)

Stan: Hmmmm… If they could be like that…

Jo: Hey Stan! Don't lag behind!

Stan: Right!

(Catches up with the others. As they're going through the woods)

Gray: Well that was a learning experience.

Sally: Are you alright now, Gray?

Gray: Yep! I now have it all straight. Dragons that just want to be left alone and be with loved ones, good; dragons that cause destruction and act all evil, bad. I'm now set to carry out the truly honorable practice of Dragon Slaying!

Cope: Unless we're dealing with mindless dragons that function solely on instinct.

Rick: Then it's a case of big game hunting.

Gray: Exactly! Honor maintained!

Sam Jackson: (Back to normal) Guess we ditched out on that dude and his dragon. You think their kid came out alright?


	13. Episode 2 Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**Campfire Confessions III**

_A New Breed had been born, and once again the group held firm against potential catastrophe. Through teamwork they helped bring the child of Caim and Angelus the Red Dragon into the world. Lann got to behold and record a pivotal breakthrough in Dragon Studies, whilst Gray the Dragon Slayer, having witnessed the product of true love firsthand, had his understanding of dragonkind further broadened. Some detail on the nature of Draconia's origins was also revealed, but it mattered little after such a trying day of confrontation and miracles. Feeling enough distance had been covered and enough absurdity had been experienced, the Jedi made camp for the third night._

* * *

(A makeshift camp. The group is sitting around a campfire eating leftovers from their lunch)

Squishy: What a crazy day: Meeting two people who threatened our lives, and watching the birth of a dragon hybrid.

Cope: And you succumbing to mushrooms and nearly destroying our food. Truly fun times.

Squishy: You guys got to hit me. Doesn't that make up for it?

Gray: A little.

Lann: I tell ya: being the first to witness a new breed of dragon being born made my trip. Everything from here on out is just a bonus for me.

Jo: Considering all this excitement we've been through, I believe it's the perfect time to wind down with another story.

Sally: But from who?

Anna: Ain't it obvious? Sammy-boy, enlighten us.

Sam Jackson: (Chewing on some meat) Huh?

Cope: I believe it's your turn to spin us a yarn.

Sam Jackson: Say what?

Sylvia: Tell us about yourself, as Lann and Gray did.

Sam Jackson: Nah, I'm not open for interviews. I'm technically on vacation, heheh. (Bites into meat)

Squishy: It's not an interview. Just some talk to pass the time.

Sam Jackson: Naw.

Sara: Come on.

Sam Jackson: There's really nothing for me to say.

Sally: Pretty please.

Rick: Just tell us something.

Sam Jackson: Alright, fine. I suppose it's only fair. Well, I was born in DC, grew up in Chattanooga, raised by my mom and grandparents. Only saw my old man twice before he died to alcoholism. Attended school, graduated college with a degree in drama in '72. Did some acting, both on television and Broadway. I've been a cop, robber, federal agent, special agent, bodyguard, random motorist, appliance shopkeeper, etcetera etcetera. Of course, my real big break was with Pulp Fiction. Been acting and making the big bucks ever since.

(There's quiet and the chirping of crickets)

Jo: You're done?

Sam Jackson: Yuh-huh.

Anna: That was seriously it?

Sam Jackson: Hey, I'm bushed here. If you wanna know more, go look up my a** on Wikipedia. (Tosses aside bone) With that said, I'm gonna hit the mother-f***in' hay. Goodnight, y'all. (Lays down to sleep)

Gray: Gotta say, that was a huge let down.

Will: Agreed.

Anna: That legitimately knocked out whatever pep I had left in me.

Sally: Same.

Rick: Should make sleeping easier, then.

Cope: Indeed. Welp, I'm tucking in. (Sleeps)

Jo: Guess we all better. Get up fully fresh and all.

Stan: Yep.

Sylvia: Good night, everyone.

Sara: Goodnight.

Squishy: Sweet dreams.

(They all say their good nights, put out the fire and go to bed)


	14. Episode 2 Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

**Gray Dawn**

The earliest shades of light had risen. Everything was covered in a gray mist that left traces of condensation on everything it touched. The weary travelers were all asleep, unaware of the spectacular change in their surroundings. Save for one.

On a ledge overlooking a small slope a ways from camp, Gray sat in a meditative state, eyes and mind closed to the wild world as dew formed on his armor and scales. He was at peace; one with the forest much like a stone or fallen leaf.

Approaching slowly from behind him came a lone figure. His footsteps broke damp twigs and grass that caused a racket in the pre-dawn. Gray slowly opened his eyes and turned his head without breaking form. He saw it was only Samuel Jackson.

"You're awake," he said in his deep, calm voice.

"Yeah. I couldn't sleep all that well. Those leftovers weren't agreeing with my stomach. So why are you up?"

"Just felt like getting up early. I normally meditate in the mornings, but I haven't had much chance to do that lately. I thought I'd catch up."

"Oh, well that sounds cool," was Sam Jackson's response. "Mind if I take a seat there?"

"Not at all."

The celebrity stepped over to a spot next to the relaxed Dragon Slayer. After some awkward maneuvering Samuel settled on the ground to Gray's left and let his legs dangle over the ledge. He looked out toward the endless fog as Gray returned to meditation.

"I've never been much of an outdoors kind of guy," Sam Jackson said, not terribly comfortable with the silence. "In fact, just about everything here hasn't been my thing. But hey, you can't get through life without trying new things. And while some of it has been dangerous, and annoying, and f***in' hard to believe, I don't entirely regret getting stuck here."

"Yep," was Gray's only reply. But Sam wouldn't leave it at that.

"Whatcha thinking about?" he inquired.

"Different things: The past, the present, people I met, things I did. Reflection stuff."

"Uh-huh. What you think about our current situation?"

"Hm?"

"How we're still I the middle of the woods looking for God-knows-what. What do you make of it? You think we're in for some more s***?"

"I can't say for certain. A lot of weird things have happened so far, so guessing what will happen next is practically impossible. Although, I do have this one particular feeling."

"Oh? And what's that?"

"...Darkness," Gray said solemnly. "A foreboding of what's to come. I sense that what will happen next will be ominous. Maybe even morbid."

"Whoa, you honestly think that?"

"It's just a hunch. But my hunches usually turn out true, so there's that."

Sam Jackson gulped. "I hope you're wrong, cuz I don't want to know how things could get morbid for us, apart from that fatso popping up unannounced. Or that one shiny mo-fo."

"Eh, it could just be a passing bit of negativity. Can happen when the mind wanders. Still, we should be ready for anything."

"Yeah, I hear that." Sam stood up. "I'm heading back for some more shut eye. Get focused and whatever."

"Okay, Sam. See you in a bit."

Sam waved a parting goodbye and made his way back to camp. High above, a pair of dragons silently glided opposite the direction the group had traversed.


	15. Episode 2 Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

**A Tender Heart**

_Despite a disappointingly brief campfire tale, the group had no trouble getting a sound rest that night. At morn, everyone was instantly refreshed by the misty dew that had collected overnight, and after some freshening up they continued their trek, unawares of the great shock awaiting them around the bend._

* * *

(Our heroes going along through the woods as normal)

Squishy: Four days into this wilderness and still no sign of our end goal.

Jo: Patience, Squish. Will said it's a far ways away.

Will: By my reckoning, we're likely over halfway there at this point.

Squishy: Oh whoopee: Just four more days of walking.

Rick: No need to be so grumpy, Dad.

Cope: Let him. I've seen enough positive out of him for this lifetime.

(Suddenly Gray stops and looks around)

Sara: What's wrong?

Gray: I smell blood. Fresh.

Jo: Really? Well that could solve our food situation for the day.

Gray: No. Something's off.

(He runs off in another direction, followed by the others. They soon reach a downward slope, where they see a disturbing sight. At the bottom is a clearing, and lying drenched in blood is a prone human figure. Crimson streaked its white clothes and flowing black hair, as well as its fair face)

Sam Jackson: What the...? Hey, ain't that that elf thing we saw a few days ago?

Stan: What!?

Lann: Oh crap, that's the song dragon!

(In an instant he leaps onto the slope and slides down. At the bottom he breaks into a run and gets to the fallen dragoness. The others soon catch up to him. It becomes clear that the elf-form dragon has plenty of gashes on its body along with its clothing)

Will: Gosh dern, she's all torn up.

Lann: She's only unconscious, but her breathing's faint. We need to do something fast.

Cope: Not to be the downer voice of realism (yet again), but it, she, looks pretty far gone.

Stan: (Worry, worry)

Sylvia: We should still try, Alex.

(Sara gets up close to the elf/dragon)

Sara: The lacerations are still fresh, and not very deep, so she shouldn't have lost much blood. It could just be momentary shock, but we're going to have to close these wounds. Bandages or gauze should do.

Squishy: We used up all the absorbents yesterday!

Sally: Could leaves help?

Lann: Probably, but not with these conifers.

Stan: We have to do something! Sam, you played a doctor at some point didn't you?

Sam Jackson: Not a field surgeon from what I recall.

Grey: Hate to say I'm equipped to do the _opposite_ of patching up a dragon, Stan.

Stan: Oooooooooooooh!

Lann: Calm down, Stan. We'll work something out.

Cope: (Sigh) I guess if we're being insistent here. (Pulls out a big med box from his robes)

Jo: Where'd you get that?

Cope: I took this from the crash site when we first headed out.

Anna: You mean you've been hoarding medical supplies this entire time? For shame, Alex!

Cope: We're on a foreign world and we could have wound up really hurt! I was just being a good scout by coming prepared.

Sally: And now's the time for you to tell us this? (Snatches box from him) Shame, indeed!

Sara: (Gets handed box, and looks inside) Alright, that should have everything, assuming human treatment can work.

Lann: For this type I say it should.

Sara: Good. The wounds will need to be cleaned first, and I'm afraid there aren't enough antiseptics for this.

Sally: Would water work? I saw a stream a ways back.

Sara: Could you get some?

Sally: Sure! (Runs off)

Sara: We should have it sanitized to be safe, meaning we'll need a fire to boil it.

Gray: I'm your man!

Lann: I can go grab some wood for it. I'll be back quick.

Sara: Gotcha. (Gray and Lann leave) Stan?

Stan: Y-Yeah? (He joins Sara)

Sara: You take this gauze and press it down on the wound right there. (Stan does so)

Stan: Like this?

Sara: Yeah; hold it just like that.

Rick: Uh, what about us?

Jo: We should set up camp. Who knows how long this may take.

Anna: Probably a good idea. I'm feeling a draft coming on.

Sam Jackson: In that case, she might need a blanket. (Takes off jacket and holds it out) Fur-lined leather. Perfect for all shooting locations.

Sara: Thank you, Sam. If we keep this up, she may pull through

(Everyone goes about doing more things)

* * *

_Without a moment's hesitation the group worked on the delicate operation to preserve life. Hours passed by, and any further chance to provide aid were dashed with the setting sun and the end of day four. Would all their efforts turn out to be in vain?_

* * *

(The very eve of nightfall. A fire is going and everyone's standing around. Lying before them is the song dragon, bandaged, covered with a jacket and still unconscious)

Will: How is she?

Lann: She should be good at the moment. With that gauze helping, her natural restoration abilities should handle the rest. All that's left is to let her recover at her own rate.

Sara: I hope it's enough.

Sam Jackson: (As Lazarus from "Black Snake Moan") We done broke her fever. D*** lucky she had no fits in her sleep, otherwise we'd have had to break out some chains to hold down this wicked child.

Cope: (Mutters) This character, really?

Lann: Looking on the brighter side some more, if and when she wakes up she's bound to be completely famished. Though she's small in this form she'll still have the appetite of any regular dragon. With that in mind, we're gonna need provisions to accommodate her.

Squishy: But we ate all the rations and dumped the left-overs.

Rick: Probably wouldn't have been enough, anyway. Or possibly to her liking.

Lann: So we go hunting. If we hurry we should be able to round up some decent grub for us and her before nightfall.

Will: I say most of us should go. Cover more ground, improve our chances of finding food.

Lann: Good idea. Although it should be our best hunters, Gray being an obvious choice.

Gray: Yup.

Jo: It'd be best to leave a few of us here to watch camp. Volunteers?

Stan: (Sticks up arm quickly) Me! I'll stay and keep watch!

Rick: I can stay and watch you.

Sam Jackson: I ain't gonna be moved. Not with this miss needin' careful watch.

Lann: So there we have it: A party of three should be plenty. I suggest you guys take position around the perimeter and keep your eyes peeled for trouble. If you see something really nasty, give a holler for the rest of us to hear. I'll leave that job to you, Sammy-boy.

Sam Jackson: Ohhhh, you'll be hearin' the depths of my soul should Judgment come.

Will: Let's head out then. You guys take care now.

Stan: We will!

(The hunting party leaves the three sentries)

Sam Jackson: If you boys don't mind me, I'm going to get in some practice. (Pulls out slick guitar and walks off, with bittersweet blues filling the air shortly after)

Stan: Hey uh, Rick? I'll stay here and look over the, uh, song dragon for a bit. Close watch, ya know?

Rick: Alright. I'll be over there if you need anything, bro.

Stan: Sure thing.

(Rick leaves him. Stan then takes a stiff guard stance looking out toward the clearing's edge. Yet every few seconds he'd look behind him and gaze at the song dragon, but just as quickly look away into the forest)

Stan: (Thoughts) She looks peaceful enough, despite all those cuts. Who would even do that to her? Well, a lot of things, really. This place isn't exactly teeming with fuzzy bunnies. Although they can be pretty vicious at times too. But what about dragon bunnies? Are those a thing?

Wait, getting sidetracked. I'm here to keep watch. Can't let anything else bad happen to her. Gotta wonder, was she attacked as an elf or as a dragon? I can only imagine how strong or nasty the thing would have to be to tussle with her as a dragon. Bet she must've put up a good fight. She seemed strong. With real powerful claws, and majestic wings. Surprising she could hide all that in something so small and seemingly frail…

Getting distracted again. Guuhhh! Focus. She wouldn't appreciate having me looking back when I should be watching for danger.

Song Dragon: Who are you?

Stan: WAAAAHHHAH!

(Stan spins and springs up, stopping in a silly pose facing the dragoness. Realizing she's awake and looking at him, he quickly assumes a refined stance)

Stan: Ummmm, hi there. Good morning, er night. Evening? Feeling okay?

Song Dragon: Kind of woozy, and these bandages are a little itchy. I'm sorry, but who are you?

Stan: Uhhh, the name's uhhh Stan.

Song Dragon: Stan, huh? What are you exactly?

Stan: Me? I'm eh, a Ssi-Ruuk. Actually a Jaa-Ruuk, which is half Ssi-Ruuk and half Jawa, but I mostly look Ssi-Ruuk for the most part.

Song Dragon: Ssi-Ruuk?

Stan: Uhh, yeah, the Ssi-Ruu are kinda like dragons, except they don't have wings or breathe fire like real dragons do. (Chuckles nervously)

Song Dragon: So like a dinosaur? Odd. (Looks around) Why am I in a camp?

Stan: Oh uh you were attacked and we found you here so we gave you some bandages and let you rest and it's been awhile and so that's why we have a campfire set up and it's dark.

Song Dragon: That's right: Something attacked me and I lost consciousness. And they weren't exactly gentle from the feel of it. (Looks over to Stan again) You said "we", meaning you and some others helped me?

Stan: Uh yeah! Gray sniffed ya out and Sara got everyone to pitch in and help. She's our field nurse and knew what to do. I helped put on those bandages, but not all of them.

Song Dragon: Then where's everybody else?

Stan: Hunting for food. Lann thought you would be hungry the moment you woke up, so he got most everyone to help him.

Song Dragon: That's awfully considerate. And I suppose you're standing watch?

Stan: Yeah. Uhh, not like a prisoner or anything just, uh, to protect you, from whatever attacked you, or such. There are two others looking elsewhere.

Song Dragon: I see. Guess I'm incredibly lucky to have some wanderers as kind as you to find me.

Stan: Yeah. Just the uh, decent thing to do. Lann definitely would've wanted to help you, because he studies dragons and you're one so—

Song Dragon: How did you know I was a dragon?

Stan: Uhhhhhhhh—

Song Dragon: Was I transformed while asleep? No, then I wouldn't have woken up like this. Wait, have you spied on me?

Stan: No no no no no! (Waving claws) Just uh, a few days ago we were walking and happened to see you through some bushes and stopped to listen to you sing because it was a very nice voice and then got to see you transform and take off and… That's basically spying, huh?

Song Dragon: (Sighs) I felt like I was being watched a few days ago, but I guess that's fine. You seem nice enough, taking the trouble to look after a total stranger. Otherwise you'd have chained me up or something.

Stan: Heheheh, definitely not something we'd do. That'd be terrible. (Distant strum of a guitar)

Song Dragon: My name is Sentina, by the way. Should've mentioned that sooner.

Stan: Sentina? That's a pretty name.

Sentina: You think that sounds pretty?

Stan: Well, not as pretty as you. Uh Uh er I mean yeah it's a nice-sounding name. Like how nice your scales look WAIT I meant uh oh…

Sentina: Hmph, I guess I'll take those as compliments.

Stan: I'm sorry that I'm sounding weird. I'm just not used to talking to, er…

Sentina: Pretty ladies?

Stan: Erk, eh, yeah.

Sentina: (Giggles) I'm flattered you think so. I don't really get out often, so I'm not entirely used to having niceties thrown at me. Well, aside from "you look charming" or "most excellent".

Stan: You, don't get out?

Sentina: Yeah. For my own good, so mother had told me lots of times. Sure I could go out every now and then but I always have these escorts and it's a bit suffocating. So imagine my surprise waking up in this big wild forest with no one around. Others like me would be worried, but I felt relaxed and energized.

Stan: You did?

Sentina: A chance to just wander about and do whatever, fly wherever, sing as loudly as I want any song I want. Though I probably should've been a little more wary if my current state is any indication. I honestly don't know what attacked me; something shadowy, like a blur. It all happened so fast.

Stan: But you're okay now.

Sentina: Thanks to you, and your friends. (She looks down, then up again) So you heard one of my private sessions?

Stan: Y-Yeah. Again, not meaning to spy.

Sentina: What did you think of it?

Stan: Think? I thought it was beautiful. Everyone did.

Sentina: Truly? I don't get real input about my singing quality: just a bunch of servants that praise whatever comes out my mouth. They'd even call a sour note sublime, like I'd appreciate how fancy that word sounded.

Stan: Servants? As in, you live in a mansion?

Sentina: Sort of. Massive living space, for sure. My mother is always out on business, so nothing to do but while away my time, keeping out of sight.

Stan: Huh.

Sentina: Sorry I'm blabbering on. I don't get the chance to talk with strangers, either.

Stan: No no, it's fine. Better then me talking weird or, uh, stumbling over my words.

(A louder giggle from Sentina)

Sentina: You're alright. Definitely a breath of fresh air from all those stuffy butlers, maids and "handlers" as I call them.

Stan: Well, then I'm happy to keep things fresh. Say, are you feeling okay? You've been up a bit and your wounds—

Sentina: They're practically gone by now. Being a dragon means I heal quicker, just a little.

Stan: Yeah. Lann mentioned.

Sentina: Oh. But otherwise, I'm just feeling hungry. The talking's helped clear my head some, so thanks for that.

Stan: That's good.

Sentina: (After a pause) What about my singing did you like most?

Stan: Huh?

Sentina: I'm just curious. Some honest feedback from a stranger, like I mentioned.

Stan: Oh. Well, it made me feel relaxed. Almost meditative. Like I could just fall asleep on the spot.

Sentina: So, boring?

Stan: Not at all! It was really really stellar!

(Sentina laughs)

Sentina: I'm just kidding. But that's sweet for you to say.

Stan: I'm being honest. Just listening to you that day, it made those bushes we were in feel like home.

Sentina: That's some serious flattery you're laying on there.

Stan: Uhhh, well, like I said, it's honest.

Sentina: Thank you for that. I have to say, Stan, just talking it out with you, it's helping me feel at ease. While liberating being out on my own for once, it's also overwhelming. I've never seen so many natural trees before, and so many other strange dragons. And the most I've ever been hurt was a nasty cut from falling off the stairs. But having someone friendly to talk to, especially someone genuinely nice, makes handling all this a bit easier.

Stan: I'm glad I can help out in that way a bit. And I certainly would like you to feel safe out he—

(Rick walks in)

Rick: How ya holding up, Stan?

Sentina: Eep!

(Suddenly a large pair of leathery, silver wings sprouts and shoots straight up from out of her back)

Stan: Whoa!

Rick: He-llo.

Sentina: Who's that?!

Stan: Uh, that's my brother Rick. Rick, this is Sentina. Uh, she woke up awhile ago and told me her name.

Rick: Naturally. (To Sentina) Hey there. Real quick, they supposed to be like that? (Points)

Sentina: Huh? (Notices wings) Oh, sorry! My wings tend to pop out when I'm startled. A reflex I've never been able to stop, I'm afraid.

Rick: It's no bother to me. Must mean you're doing alright, eh Stan?

Stan: Y-Yeah! She's good. Just hungry.

Sentina: So you're Stan's brother? Like a Ssi-Ruuk?

Stan: I, uh, told her. Conversation topic.

Rick: (Nods) Yeah, exactly.

Sentina: I honestly couldn't tell with that cloak of yours on. Why are you wearing that anyway?

Rick: (Sighs and crosses arms) Personal look, among other things. Long story.

Sentina: Oh. No deformities or anything like that to hide?

Rick: Not in the traditional sense.

Stan: He used to be all broody about his appearance, but he really only covers up for show.

Rick: I'd prefer you didn't share private aspects of my past, Stanley.

Stan: Heh, sorry.

Sentina: You're very different from your brother, but I guess not all siblings have to be the same. And you seem nice enough yourself.

Rick: I appreciate the sentiment, ma'am.

(Sam Jackson walks in, normal and holding guitar)

Sam Jackson: Can someone tell me why I'm holding this sweet-a** guitar?

Sentina: Aie! (Her wings spring back up)

Sam Jackson: Waahh! (Falls back onto ground) Oh hey, you're awake. Where'd you get those wings, girl?

Lann: (Distant) You hear that: That was the signal!

Jo: (Distant) Back to camp!

Squishy: (Distant) Ku-Blah!

(There is a lot of rustling. The rest of the group burst in from the bush and stop before the other three and Sentina, whose wings are still out. Some of them are holding wild game, with Will decked out in dead squirrels and Squishy smattered in sap, pine combs and one struggling opossum. After some exchanged glances)

Lann: What do we have here?

* * *

_Thus the remainder of the group introduced themselves properly to the recuperating Song Dragon. This lasted for a time, ending only when the moon and stars filled the sky and night had set in completely. Once the meet-and-greet and journey summation had concluded…_

* * *

(The camp again, only now everyone is sitting around the campfire, eating cooked meat and conversing with Sentina)

Jo: And that's just about everything leading up to now.

Sentina: Wow. Quite the adventurous lives you lead.

Squishy: Sorry if you got bored a little: my rambling usually gets the better of me.

Sentina: That's okay. It's fascinating hearing about all these things. I didn't know there could ever be a job as hectic as that of a Jedi.

Will: Only every couple of years. You still enjoying the food?

Sentina: Yes, it's really good. (Takes a bite out of cooked vermin) Never had meat this perfectly cooked outside my home.

Gray: (Smug) I'm quite the expert with camp-side cuisine, little lady.

Sentina: I can tell. (Another bite) Awfully nice of you to share, given what I am and what your profession is.

Gray: Well, the last few days have been rather eye-opening to say the least (yesterday especially).

Sentina: And the rest of you, I really can't thank you enough for the kindness you've shown me, caring for me like you did. Not to mention telling me about yourselves.

Sylvia: Think nothing of it. We're always ready to help those in need.

Sentina: With that said, I think I'm feeling good enough to go. I don't want to take up more of your time or eat more of your food.

Will: We got plenty, so that's no problem.

Anna: And you're swell company. Right, guys?

Cope: Yeah I guess.

Sam Jackson: Mm-hm.

Sally: Really swell!

Sentina: Still, I feel more comfortable traveling alone. I thank you again for the wonderful treatment, though I have no way of repaying you. Maybe if we meet again I'll have something to give.

(Tries to stand, but winces and flops back down in pain)

Sara: You don't need to push yourself if you're not fully recovered. Those wounds were numerous, so they're likely to be sore for a while.

Sentina: Eh, only a little.

Gray: All those dragons out there, a little can mean a lot in hindering you

Lann: You ought to bunk the night here until you've fully healed. I'm willing to give it until tomorrow morning, or possibly noon.

Sentina: (Sigh) I guess I may have to, if none of you mind.

Sylvia: Not at all.

Sara: Take all the time you need to rest.

Squishy: Exactly.

Stan: Your good health is all the thanks we need.

Sentina: Very well, I'll take up your offer. (Hesitates a bit) Ummmm, well, if it's alright, ummm—

Jo: Yeah?

Sentina: Would it be fine if I slept in my dragon form? I'm a little constrained having been in this form for so long, plus I always feel more comfortable sleeping in my natural state.

(The group looks around curiously)

Lann: I for one wouldn't mind. In fact, I'd say it would be a crime for dragons to sleep uncomfortably for no reason.

Sam Jackson: I'm fine so long as you don't go gobbling us up while we're asleep.

Sara: Samuel, honestly!

Sam Jackson: While sleepwalking I mean. If dragons do sleepwalk

Sentina: I don't, I assure you. And with all the food I had, I won't be craving anything the rest of the night.

Lann: Then it's settled: Sentina sleeps in the scales, and we're all okay with it. Capisce?

(Some nods and mumbles of agreement)

Sentina: Thank you, Lann.

Lann: No need. Anyway, I say we hit the sack. Good night, people. (They all tuck in)

* * *

(Hours later. Dead quiet in the camp. Sentina's slender elf-form is now that of a large cobalt steel dragon. Everyone else is in La-La Land, except one. Stan tosses and turns in his blanket, trying to get comfortable but to no avail)

?: Can't sleep?

(Stan's eyes opens and he sits up, then looking to the side he sees the large crystal-clear eyes of Sentina gazing at him)

Stan: Oh, it's just you. You're awake?

Sentina: I've always been a light sleeper. I just noticed how you kept rolling around.

Stan: Sorry. Sometimes my brain gets all excited and it makes it hard to sleep. Happens out of nowhere every once and a while. My dad has the same problem.

Sentina: Still hard to believe he's your father. He's so small compared to you, or your mother. I can't not find that funny.

Stan: Real peculiar. That's something they always described themselves as whenever they told us how they got together.

Sentina: They still see each other for themselves and not by their appearances. It's no wonder how you, your brother and your sister are so kind.

Stan: Yep. They've been wonderful. Still are.

Sentina: Wish my mother was more like them. Or at least around more of the time.

Stan: Sorry to hear that.

Sentina: It's fine; just my own little bother to live with. (A pause) Hey Stan, you know how you sorta said my scales were nice?

Stan: Y-Yeah?

Sentina:...Would you like to feel them?

Stan:...What?

Sentina: Just a touch. If, that isn't too off-putting.

Stan: N-Not at all. But, why are you offering?

Sentina: The times I had a hard time sleeping, I'd cuddle with a toy or a warming stone. Maybe if you touched something cozy you'd feel more relaxed. And my early caretakers always told me how gentle I was to the touch.

Stan: Okay. Sure, worth a shot.

(Stan gets up and walks quietly over to the dragoness. He raises a claw and reaches out, but holds it as he looks over to those watching eyes. After getting a nod, he gently lays his palm on her broad side)

Stan: Whoa. It's so cool. And smooth. (Rubs around it)

Sentina: My scales absorb heat. Really helpful when the heating breaks down.

Stan: I bet. This just feels… incredible.

Sentina: Hm, glad I can amaze just by being myself.

Stan: Yeah.

(After a few seconds Stan withdraws his claw and steps back)

Sentina: Feel more relaxed?

Stan: I am, weirdly enough. Thank you.

Sentina: The least I can do, for talking to me after I woke up. And the compliments.

Stan: Of course. (Some awkward standing) Well, good night, Sentina.

Sentina: Sleep tight.

(Stan returns to his blanket and lays down under it, looking to the starry sky above. He looks over to Sentina to see her head tucked away to resume sleeping, then looks back up. Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, he smiles as sleep overtakes him)

* * *

**Dawn of**

**THE FIFTH**

**DAY**

_After a decent slumber, our heroes awoke to find the fire long extinguished, and Sentina absconded most stealthily. Other then a small pile of discarded bandages there was nary a sign of the Song Dragon. Eventually the team disembarked for another day of hiking, one among them feeling rather lighthearted._

* * *

Sally: We're leaving, Stan!

Stan: Right sis, I'm coming.

(He takes one quick look at the clearing, then joins Sally and starts talking with her as everyone departs. A short ways from the clearing, Will has stopped with fists on his hips looking at something. Sara comes up to him)

Sara: What are you waiting around for, Will?

Will: I don't recall seeing a shrine here.

Sara: Huh?

(She looks. Before them is a large dome-like mound with stairs set into the front face of it. At the top is a flat circle filled with tiny rocks and shrubbery, and hanging over this little garden is a great bell hung up by red lacquer planks, bearing the look of an altar with considerable grime build-up on parts of it)

Sara: Looks old.

Will: And big. Dunno how we missed something like this when we went hunting.

Sara: It was pretty dark, and who had time to notice with what was happening?

Will: Still, something about it—

Jo: Pick up the pace, lovebirds! There's walking to do!

Sara: Coming! Let's catch up to them, Will.

Will: (Shrugs) Alright. Still think it's a little strange.

(The two leave the area, the bell atop the shrine gleaming dully with the light of the rising sun. The foliage around it begins to rustle)


	16. Episode 2 Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

**Splish Splash**

_Though a day of travel was seemingly wasted, the group felt that saving the life of the Song Dragon Sentina had been worthwhile. The prolonged encounter had also left the soul of one member quite tendered: An effect that may or may not play a key role in the future. As for the present, our heroes continued on in hopes that some sign of their progress would make itself apparent real soon. Sooner than they thought, as it turned out._

* * *

(Wood walking in the late morning)

Squishy: I'm still—

Cope: Don't talk.

Squishy: Aw…

(Soon they break through a wall of branches and stop)

All: Whoooa…

(Before them is an immense lake, with grassy shores stretching left and right that seemed to go on forever. The sun glistens on its surface, making it all shiny)

Sally: It's so big and gorgeous!

Sam Jackson: Where'd this lake come from?

Will: Remember that time we were on the cliff and we saw that glimmer in the distance? Voilá: here it is.

Stan: Ah dang you serious? We've come that far? Cool!

Anna: I never thought it would be this big. Anyways, now that you know where we are, where's the target in relation to us?

Will: Somewhere over those mountains across the lake. If we walk around the edge then we should reach the base by nighttime.

Squishy: I wonder if it's safe to swim here.

Cope: I don't know but go on in. I ain't getting wet without my trunks.

Sylvia: You could skinny dip.

Cope: I think not!

Jo: I say all the guys in the pool! Hup to it!

Sara: Strip strip strip!

Will: Gotta please the ladies, Alex.

Cope: You guys are a**holes.

(Everyone laughs. Suddenly cuts to far beneath the surface of the lake briefly before switching back)

Jo: Huh?

Anna: What Jo?

Jo: Did you see that?

(The view switches back to underwater, then back to them)

Anna: See what?

Jo: It happened again!

(Now the underwater view is starting to move closer to the surface. Returning)

Cope: What are you talking about?

Jo: Lann! Get over here! (Pulls Lann over to him) Look what's happening!

Lann: What am I suppose to be looking for exactly?

(The view in the water now starts racing up to the surface and goes for the shore)

Jo: There! You saw that?

Lann: I did: The dreaded Aquatic POV.

Will: The whats-it?

Lann: We're about to get some unfriendly company real soon, people.

(At that moment, sections of the lake's surface begin bursting in consecutive sprays, getting closer to the group. When it reaches them there is a torrential blast that produces an immense shower, and from the mist arose a great serpent with gold and silver armor plating covering its long form. It gleams a metallic sheen wherever the sun touches it. A hexagonal hole represented a cannon-like device for a nose. Accompanying the beast is a subtitle: "Mecha Saladramon")

Mecha S.: Who dares tread close to my Watery Domain?

Anna: Another one? I thought we only had the one but NOOO there just so happens to be another domineering snakey-thing that just loves to talk big and thinks everywhere it goes is his "domain". Who's running this dragon and pony show? I demand some frickin' original content!

Mecha S: Uhh, what's twisting her straps?

Will: Errr… straps?

Jo: I think the real question here is what are you doing here twisting her straps and asking who had gone done the strap twisting in the first place.

All: …..?

Mecha S: What's all this drivel? I ask a straightforward question and you go making it weird. Sheesh!

Sara: Could you tell us who you are at least?

Mecha S: Ah, that's more like it! Thank God. Huh-hum. Tremble, peons, for I am the Dope Dagnaster that is: Mecha Saladramon!

Lann: Mecha Saladramon… Wait, that's totally a Digimon name!

Anna: Oh great! So it's a Pokémon knock-off we're dealing with!

Mecha S: Hey! We're not knock-offs! Our set-up is a fully committed, endearing one! We have rock-solid edgy stories that supplement our totally original, believable personalities! Also, we speak actual English instead of repeating our names over and over again.

Jo: Yeah, but all your names end with -mon so that's pretty lame.

Mecha S: Well you can either have an understandable language or sickeningly cute, clever, pun-tastic names. You can't have both.

Lann: Monster Rancher has both.

Mecha S: Monster Rancher is also s***! (*Disclaimer: Monster Rancher is not s***; it's actually a pretty good show, or at least the first season) Anyway, where was I? I have claimed these waters as my new home and driven out or devoured all my competitors so that I am its sole occupant. I have even consumed the almighty Leviathan: Proof that I am this body of water's apex predator!

Squishy: You ate THE Leviathan!? (Gasp) You b****rd!

Mecha S: Indeed I did! He was very slimy in texture, but so was everything else in this lake. Yet with him it was slimier than I prefer. Sorta like eel sushi. Urgh that stuff was funky.

Cope: Hold on! How could something obscure best a Final Fantasy staple like Leviathan?

Mecha : Obscure?! Hold it right there, buddy, I am not obscure! I am one of four Über-strong beasties tasked with messing up an alternate reality into a more oppressed existence! I am blessed with an awesome nose cannon and an ungodly sexy voice! Does any of that sound like something belonging to an obscure character?

Cope: I have never heard of you until now, so yes.

Mecha S: Ohhhh, smart guy, eh? Well let's see you talk smack after seeing THIS!

(The hexagonal hole on his nose glows and a large energy shot fires from it, hitting the shoreline before the group. After the mist settles there is a sizable crater filling with water)

Sam Jackson: Oh shiz-nits…

Mecha S: What do you gotta say about that, doubters?

(Silence)

Sally: Why so tense?

Mecha S: Okay! Flash fry time!

Will: Well, had to kick this showdown off somehow.

Lann: Then without any ado, we brawl!

Mecha S: Be my guest! You'll all be munchies in no time!

(He snarls and lunges with jaws open. The Jedi leap before he gets a bite off and scatter. After going upright, Mecha Saladramon picks his targets and rears his great tail. He then commences the old-fashioned tail slam attack on the strip of shore everyone is on. Our heroes in turn dodge, dip, dive, duck and dodge. Eventually the tail settles on the ground and does sweeping motions. Everyone manages to jump over it except Gray, who is hit full force and swept away. However, at the end of the sweep he manages to hang onto the tail's tip and gets carried away. Mecha S. notices this and swings it around in front of him)

Mecha S: Blasted armored tick! Let go!

Gray: No way! I have the advantage!

Mecha S: My reticulated a**!

(He whips his tail, flinging off Gray. He crashes through a nearby tree's midsection but does a roll and recovers. He then looks down on his hands)

Gray: Dang it. I knew I shouldn't have clipped my claws this week.

Anna: Beauty regrets can wait for some other time!

Mecha S: Indeed it can!

(He begins biting attacks, going after our heroes like a grouper snapping at minnows. He manages to nip one of Sam Jackson's shoes)

Sam Jackson: Hey! You just nicked my Guccis! These things are expensive, y'know!

Mecha S: Bah! Dragon is where it's at, land dweller. Not aqua dragon like myself, I mean the ones that fly. Those kind.

Sam Jackson: I don't need to be taking no fashion advice from some ugly-a** overgrown water snake! And besides, that gold and silver of yours is atrocious to the eyes.

Mecha S: You're one to talk! Your fashion is so unimaginative and mangy, it's as if a banker tossed their grandfather's walking clothes out onto a beggar. A beggar that just happens to do much of his begging in the sewers.

Sam Jackson: You seriously did not just insult my looks with your tacky a** on full display.

Mecha S: I did and I can just as easily do it again, pipsqueak! Whatcha gonna do about it?

Sam Jackson: Oh, what? You don't think I'm intimidating?

Mecha S: Exactly!

Sam Jackson: As in, (cough), you don't consider me a threat?

Mecha S: Not in the slightest. What, am I supposed to recognize your stunted self?

Sam Jackson: Is this f***er for real? Is he seriously still calling me short?

(Mecha S. lowers his head to Sam Jackson's level)

Mecha S: All of you are minuscule before me, but you most especially. What of it?

Sam Jackson: You need to get your eyes checked for one thing. And another, I don't like you breathing on me with your stank fish breath.

Mecha S: Ohhhh, what are you going to do about it?

Sam Jackson: You best just back off where it's safer if you know what's good for ya.

Mecha S: Or what, little trash man?

Sam Jackson: B***h you better take that back.

Mecha S: Then how about monkey?

Sam Jackson: (Goes dead serious) What?

Mecha S: You all look like monkeys, with you being an especially dark, bald one.

Sam Jackson:...Say that again.

Mecha S: Huh?

Sam Jackson: Repeat what you just called me.

Mecha S: You being bald, being horribly dressed, or you looking like some scrunched-faced, coal dark monkey?

Sam Jackson: (Smiles) That's the one.

(He leaps high in the air, headbutting Mecha S.'s chin so hard he reels back with a cry before crashing into the dirt in a daze)

Sam Jackson: I take NO racist bull-s*** talk no matter what f***in' planet or universe I'm in!

Squishy: D**n!

Mecha S: (Dazed) Urrr guuhh gurrr…

Sam Jackson: Oh what's that? Feelin' a little green around your gilded gills all a sudden? Here, let me straighten you the f*** up!

(He grabs Mecha S.'s chin, yanks it out of the ground and slams it back down harder. Then he pulls it back up and delivers a mighty b***h-slap that rends the air like thunder)

Sam Jackson: Feeling more focused now?!

Mecha S: How the He—!?

Sam Jackson: Shut the h*** up! I ain't through yet!

(He then delivers an endless string of powerful b***h-slaps that increase in speed, bringing some serious hurt)

Jo: D********n!

Sylvia: Tell me about it.

Jo: Alright; I mean D************N!

(Now Sam Jackson starts talking with each slap)

Sam Jackson: Don't, you, ever, call, me, a monkey, or, question, my, fashion, credibility, ever, again, you, long-a**, slack-jaw, b***h-a**, mother-f***in', s***head!

(He finishes with a mighty uppercut that knocks Mecha's head right up into the air. The great armored serpent gurgles and roars in pained discombobulation before his whole body gives way and flops into the water with a great splash. After the water settles, he is nowhere in sight)

Cope: Holy crap, Sam Jackson just beat the living s**t out of him!

Anna: What character were you playing that time?

Sam Jackson: Character? What are you talking about?

Gray: Hold on, you mean you just battered that massive serpent as yourself?

Sam Jackson: Who else but me?

Will: Holy s***...

Lann: It's official: Samuel Jackson has just slain his first dragon! All give him his due praise!

Sally: Way to go, Sammy!

Jackie from Jaws 2: (Clapping) Hoo-raaay!

(Suddenly there's an earthen rumbling before great mounds start popping up around the shore until Mecha Saladramon bursts from one of them. Jackie lets out a trademark ear-piercing scream)

Mecha S: Holy crap I forgot how awful that sound is!

(He slams his face down to catch her in his nose cannon, then pulls back and fires her into the ground, leaving nothing but a smoking crater before the Jedi)

Cope: Can't say she didn't deserve it.

Squishy: That scream is still gonna haunt me for years...

Will: No surprise. Anyway…

(Everyone scatters as Mecha starts firing rapid shots. Eventually he retracts into his hole only to pop out from somewhere else)

Mecha S: Behold my secret technique, fools!

Anna: Sucking?

Mecha S: No: Burrowing! (Goes under and pops somewhere new) Much like the ever opportunistic worm, I can zip through dirt as though it were water! No place is safe now; you are all screwed!

Lann: Now you're just setting yourself up for embarrassment making a claim like that.

Mecha S: Grr!

(Burrows back under. He starts emerging and diving repeatedly in different spots, often leaving himself exposed while trying to disorient our heroes. The Jedi try striking his exposed parts but their blows are knocked back)

Stan: His armor's too strong!

Squishy: Our weapons are just too small. Size makes all the difference for this fight. Behold! (Whips out the Giant's Mask!) Now it's an even game! Lann, go forth!

(Tosses mask at Lann, where it lands squarely on his face and starts contorting)

Lann: Grrrr ugh graaa uhh AAAAAAAHHHH!

(There's a flash. When it clears Lann is still himself but the mask is gone. The others appear awestruck)

Emmett Brown: Great Scott!

Anna: He's ginormous!

Stan: Huge!

Jo: What monstrosity have you unleashed, Squishy?!

Squishy: I sorta expected this, but my God he's just so freakin' BIG!

Lann: Well that's fine and good you're still making fun of my weight, a**wipes.

Squishy: Sorry sorry. But yeah, the mask's a bust.

Cope: Guess we had to be in Twinmold's room.

Lann: (Sigh) Screw it. I'll fight a bit.

(He draws his sword and runs at a section of shoreline, but holds and watches the serpent making more plunges and launches)

Lann: Now if I'm correct on this, it should be right about here. (Steps over to a patch of rumbling ground) Volt Sabre!

(His sword electrifies and he pulls it back like a bat and waits. After some seconds Mecha's head pops from the spot, and immediately Lann brings round his blade and bashes him with a great electrical burst. This causes Mecha to shriek and pull his entire self from the ground)

Mecha S: Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow shocky shocky bad bad bad OWWY!

(He sploshes back into the lake, then he pops right back up to fire some red laser rings from his cannon. These rings go over everyone's middles and constrict, holding them in place)

Cope: Paralysis rings? Of all the low down, cheap sneak attacks!

(Mecha's head looms over them)

Mecha S: Well this is a major nuisance: You cretins somehow stumbled upon my elemental weakness.

Lann: Wasn't hard to figure out, Mr. Lake Serpent.

Mecha S: Silence! I wanted to toy with you pests a little longer, but now that you know my weakness I can't risk it. It's time I finished you off, you especially, monkey!

Sam Jackson: Oh Mother-F***er I will rip that jaw off and beat your f***in' skull in! (Struggles angrily)

Mecha S: No surprise attacks our of you this time, hahahaha. Now then, the method of your executions will be as lunch. I prefer my meals cooked, so I'll set my cannon to Smokin' Sizzle. Let me just test it, first.

(He looks elsewhere and fires a yellow beam from his nose cannon. The beam hits a dancing Michael Jackson, whose hair erupts into flame as "Thriller" kicks on)

MJ: Oh why do they always have to go with that bit!

(Leaps off a "Random Cliff" with a desperate Heee!)

Mecha S: Yep, it's set. Now prepare for the finest in top-of-the-line roasting-based demises, ever!

(He charges up his cannon, but before he can fire a sweet, breezy note fills the air. This note grows into a soothing, powerful melody similar to Sandbox from "Transistor")

Jo: What is that?

Stan: It, sounds familiar…

(Everything becomes all wavy in a sunny, relaxing manner)

Will: Guys, I'm starting to bomb out here. I might just crash a bit...

Mecha S: (Looking euphoric) Ah man, I'm ridin' a seriously calm vibe, mon. I feel at one with the air and my lungs are full of it and, and like, I'm so in tune with nature now. It's like, so obvious: Free love is where it's at, friends. You should, like, get out there and spread the message, ya dig?

(The rings that have been binding the group waver then disappear, freeing them)

Sara: We're free!

Rick: But what about Space Cake over there?

(Show Mecha just undulating to the music)

Jo: Sam! Finish him off while there's time!

Sam Jackson: Uh uh right! (Picks up Squishy) Give my regards to Hendrix ya doped-up nope rope!

Squishy: Hey what are you doing—WAAAAAAA AIE AIE AIEEEE!

(Sam tosses a flailing Squishy like a football at top speed. He hits Mecha right in the nose, making him roar and collapse into the water, stopping the music and its entrancing aura. Squishy, meanwhile, spins and hits the ground by Sam Jackson. He springs up in a fury)

Squishy: Why the heck did you do that?!

Sam Jackson: B**** I was improvising so shut your godd*** mouth!

Squishy: (Cowed) Yes, sir…

(Mecha rises back up with a vengeance)

Mecha S: You beaned me with a midget and killed my buzz! Screw lunch! It's disintegration for all of you!

(He charges his nose cannon, its blinding glow alerting everyone to ready for the worst. But suddenly a bolt of electricity strikes Mecha, lighting him up in a twitching, brilliant display of crackling agony)

Mecha S: BEERZZIEEEGGGAAAAGERRRRYYYYAAZZZZZKKKRRRRROOOOOBBBBZZZZZZZ FAJA FAJA FAJA FAJA FAJA HURTZ HURTZ HURTZ ZZZZS YOU SHOULD NEVER ARGUE WITH A CRAZY MYMYMYMYMYEEEEEEEEEE!

Billy Joel: Really?

(The plagiarism stops when the current does, leaving Mecha absolutely charred. He gives a pitiful, smoky cough before tilting over and hitting the water with a splash. He lies prone and floating on the surface, making occasional twitches)

Will: Now that's what I call overdone.

?: I say that's crisp enough for his like, honestly.

(The group looks over and spot an elfin Sentina walking toward them)

Stan: Sentina?!

Sentina: Hi Stan. Nice morning, huh?

Jo: Wait, hold on… (Looks between charred Mecha and Sentina pointing) Did you do that?

Sentina: Uh-huh. Pretty surprised? This place has given me plenty opportunity to utilize my natural talents, and I've had to fend for myself for some days before we met.

Lann: You were also the one that played that song and freed us, weren't you?

Sentina: Yuh-huh. I figured the best way I could repay you all for what you've done was get you out of that literal tight spot.

Cope: That was awfully good timing.

Stan: How did you know where we'd be?

Sentina: I saw where you were walking from above. I had thought of flying back and checking on you from up there, see if a chance to pay you back would come up. I knew some strong creature was living in this lake, but I kept back just to see if you could handle it yourself. You did pretty good, until I had to swoop in.

Will: And we really appreciate the intervention.

Jo: Though, in the future, don't hesitate to jump in when we're in a scuffle.

Gray: Yeah. That firepower you got packin' is nearly as devastating as mine.

Sentina: I'm happy you think so, Mr. Dragon Slayer. (Wink) The way around the lake should be clear. That serpent there was the only thing living in these waters, so don't expect anything else to spring out.

Rick: Guess he wasn't kidding when he said he ate everything else.

Sentina: It was good seeing you again, everyone. Maybe next time we cross paths things won't be so hectic.

Sylvia: Hopefully.

Stan: You can always just drop in and say hello. Um, if you ever want to.

Sentina: Hmhmhm, I'll consider. Well, good seeing you. Watch yourselves.

Jo: You do the same.

(She runs off into the woods as the group gives a parting wave)

Lann: And there you have it: Definitive proof that "what comes around goes around" can apply to good deeds.

Squishy: Oh yeah. That's how I like to look at helping others.

Jo: Alright, the way is clear thanks to Sentina. Lead us on, Will.

Will: Right.

(They all leave following Will's direction. After they're gone)

Charred Mecha: Urrrrrrghhhhh… Buuuurns so baaaaad…

(A great shadow pool forms near the barely-alive Mecha)

_My time of rule is nearly at hand. Your contribution shall further bolster that realization._

Charred Mecha: Wha…? Who sai' tha…?

(Shadowy tendrils sprout from the pool and begin smothering Mecha, making him scream and struggle in vain as he's absorbed into the inky mass)


	17. Episode 2 Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

**Lofty Heights**

_The group had faced quite the close call, but were saved in the nick of time thanks to a returning Sentina. With the tyrannical Mecha Saladramon out of commission, our heroes could begin making their way around the great lake, their final goal drawing closer in sight. But will this good fortune last for long?_

* * *

(We see our heroes strolling along the great lake's shore. After a bit they halt before a massive pile of water-logged waste blocking their path)

Gray: A wall of debris? How'd that end up here?

Cope: We'll just cut our way through. No prob.

Will: Actually, there is.

(The camera pulls back and swivels to reveal that on the other side of the wall is nothing but water. No shoreline can be seen, as the Jedi discern whilst leaning to the side)

Jo: A dead end?!

Will: Yep, for this side anyway.

Anna: We spent an hour walking this far! Does this mean we seriously have to go around the other way?

Rick: It's either that or swim, which I'm highly opposed to.

Cope: Same.

Squishy: Don't think anyone wants a dip after that previous fight.

Sam Jackson: Well something's gotta go down; I ain't spending the day here all exposed and sunning myself while you're deliberating.

?: Oi! You down there!

(The group looks up. Coming down to them slowly are three winged creatures. One of them is a great red-scaled dragon with an aged, friendly look about it. Next to it are two smaller yet identical gray dragons bearing a pixilated look. They land softly before the group)

Lann: Holy crap, it's Draco!

Draco: I see my reputation precedes me. Or at least my name. Who might you be?

Lann: Lannius Drasec, sir. Full-Time Dragon Scholar. The others are friends of mine just traveling along.

Jo: Hey, you're the tagalong here!

Draco: Then who be the leader of this party?

Jo: I am: Joseph Webbol, Jedi Grand Master.

Anna: And highly touchy about his ego.

(Jo snarls slightly)

Sylvia: So Lann, this Draco—

Lann: Is from "Dragonheart". A pretty good movie in my opinion.

Sylvia: Oh.

Squishy: I know those other two. They're the Wind Drakes from Final Fantasy V: Hiryuu and What's-His-Name.

Draco: Is that what they are? I couldn't figure that out. In fact, I could hardly understand their dialect. But the look in their eyes when I found them made it clear they needed some helpful guidance. Naturally, being a fellow kinsman of the air, I obliged.

Sara: So what are you doing here, Mr. Draco?

Draco: I was about to ask you the same. You're the first group of humans or human-like beings we found. For a whole week we've seen nothing but dragons of all kinds. Then practically sprung up from this fertile earth we find this curious group of humans in robes accompanied by some of the oddest creatures I ever beheld. So I'd rather want to know why _you're_ here.

Sally: We're on a mission to find out where you and all these other dragons are coming from, to be honest.

Draco: Really? Then maybe you can find out how to get me back to my homeland. Sure, its rampant with human strife, but all these dragons are far too combative. I'm not used to such raw ferocity.

Will: We were heading for the mountains at the other side of the lake, but there's no land between here and there.

Draco: Well that is a shame, especially considering that there's no shore on the other side either.

Sam Jackson: Then s*** on a shingle, guess I'm gonna work on that tan after all!

Draco: However, there is one option. I was thinking me and these Wind Drakes could simply carry you over to the other side. Divided evenly, we should be able to manage your entire group.

Anna: Huh? A free ride? Thank you Gods of Podiatry for this merciful blessing, thank you!

Lann: And on dragonback. Definitely not an offer to pass up.

Sara: It could be romantic flying over the lush scenery and waters, eh Will?

Will: I suppose.

Draco: Aye. Only, there's just one small little problem with that notion. The air over the lake is swarming with all kinds of brutish nasties, and as the distance over the lake is great, attacks are practically assured.

Anna: (Sigh) There just had to be a catch.

Draco: Hmmm. I wonder… Are you per chance warriors?

Lann: Yep.

Sally: The galaxy's finest!

Gray: Ha ha, you bet! (Brandishes arm blades)

Sam Jackson: Ehhhh… I've played a couple. Did most of the stunts. Don't think that really qualifies me—

Draco: Excellent. If you are experienced fighters, you could ward off any attackers as we make our way over. I'll use my fire to help as well, but the numbers may be vast, so we'll need all the defenses we can muster.

Jo: We'll have that covered.

Rick: Big time.

Anna: I'll light up the sky if need be.

Lann: We'll fight if necessary.

Sam Jackson: Uh, yeah. I'll just focus on hanging on.

Draco: Good; I like your spirits. You show more confidence than a certain warrior I know.

Stan: Uh, yep! That's us: confident.

Jo: Alright, let's load up!

Squishy: I get Hiryuu!

(After a while everyone has found their places: The four girls on one Wind Drake; Stan, Sam Jackson, Cope and Squishy on the other; and the remaining five men on Draco's back)

Squishy: Ah dude this is gonna be so killer!

Cope: Why'd I end up with you?

Jo: We ought to get to the other side before dark, so we better get moving, Draco.

Draco: Before dark? Boy, with wings like mine, we'll be there in time for afternoon tea. Now hang tight; we're lifting off!

(With a great flapping of wings Draco and the Wind Drakes push off from the ground and head for the sky. Soon they're soaring several hundred feet and begin gliding gently over the massive lake. The passengers take the time to marvel the breathtaking scenery below and around them)

Sylvia: So much forest… Like Endor, but far more diverse.

Draco: Eyes steady, lads and lassies. I smell company.

(Sure enough, far ahead of them several small green dragons appear and are closing. Battle music from "Panzer Dragoon Orta" starts to play)

Jo: Light opposition. Let's do this!

(Draco and the Wind Drakes hold their course. Soon the attacking dragons arrive and do a quick fly-by, attempting to take nips only to be met with lightsabers. Two dragons are taken out, leaving only four to circle around the group. They make more biting passes but keep missing and receiving hits. Draco decimates one dragon with a fireball)

Sally: Awesome, Draco!

Draco: Twas nothing!

Will: Second wave!

(Move small dragons appear in the distance)

Cope: Once more unto the breach, then!

(He flings his saber, which goes in a circle around the group, chopping up the remaining first wave and some of the new arrivals. The rest of them come at the group fast, leading to some evasive maneuvers. The heroes keep warding them off, though one manages to latch onto Hiryuu)

Sam Jackson: AAH! (Clocks the dragon with a right hook, sending it plunging to a watery death) Ain't letting you b****rds eat me again!

Sara: There's more coming!

Jo: Almost like they've been waiting for us!

Draco: I don't know if that's true, but survival is our main focus!

(Breathes fire that torches a few dragons. This aerial battle goes on a bit longer, with the attackers thinning out)

Stan: We're almost through with these!

Sally: Better hope more won't come!

(More enemies fall. Soon the last dragon is vanquished)

Will: That's the last of them!

Draco: Huzzah! Great work, friends! A truly commendable display. It should be smooth gliding from here on out.

Sara: Thank goodness. (A heavy, mechanical flapping is heard) What's that sound?

(Slowly rising up from below comes a large mechanical dragon of green, yellow, black and white parts, with huge clawed legs and arms and two mecha wings keeping it aloft)

Squishy: Holy crap! It's the Robo-Dragon from Mega Man X4!

(The Robo-Dragon pulls back and rises high above the group. It then opens its mouth, gathers energy and fires a wide beam. Draco and the Wind Drakes juke sideways to miss it by inches)

Anna: Laser Beams?! He's firing freakin' laser beams at us!

Gray: Well here's mine!

(Gray looks at the dragon, breathes deep and exhales a great stream of static energy. It hits the bot, making it miss a flap and falter)

Jo: Gray, how'd you do that?

Gray: My gauge was full, and that was one of my special attacks.

Jo: Oh. Forgot about that.

(The Robo-Dragon speeds past the group from below and rises a long ways from them. It turns to face them, then rears back and emits a metallic, ear-splitting screech/roar. Suddenly the air around it floods with dragons of all shapes and sizes, looking riled up)

Draco: By my Great Scottish Accent I have never beheld so many dragons!

(The dragons fly at our heroes and buzz around them, putting Draco and the Wind Drakes in constant evasive mode)

Draco: It's no good, Captain! There are too many dragons in the way for us to continue! Unless we do something soon, then we're Doooomed!

Jo: We're probably gonna get swallowed up if we just sit around, guys!

Will: So we get up close and personal!

Jo: Right! Willing Jedi: HO!

(He leaps from Draco, followed by Will and Cope and Rick)

Squishy: Yeehaw! The thrill of aerial combat comes once again!

Stan: Yeeeah, I think I'll just sit this one out, dad. Hold the fort, y'know?

Squishy: You won't get over your fear of heights just sitting around, son. Now come on! (Snags Stan and leaps off)

Sam Jackson: What the H**l are they doing!?

Gray: Don't know, but I want in! Cowabungaa!

(Also leaps. The men fly into the thick of the dragon storm and split)

Anna: (Sigh) Boys and their unnecessary machismo. Why skydive when you can ELECTRIFY!

(Anna unleashes a massive Force Lightning storm around her Wind Drake, frying any nearby dragons and forming a defensive barrier against any other. Meanwhile, the foolhardy aerial warriors go about doing their own means of offensive clean-up. Jo and Will hop from one dragon to another, lopping off wings and necks with each stop. Cope simply falls through the air slashing anything in his general vicinity. Squishy goes for a smaller group of dragons, leaving Stan to flop through the air and bounce off some winged reptiles, but Rick comes up and stops his tumble)

Rick: Do I have to watch your sorry butt all the time? Get on something and do some work!

(Tosses Stan onto a large dragon and leaves him)

Stan: I didn't ask for help!

(Dragons come at him and he barely wards them off with claw and saber. Elsewhere, Gray is basically a whirlwind of flaming steel from which nothing can escape unscathed. At some point, Cope and Jo end up back-to-back)

Jo: Where'd you come from?

Cope: I'm a bit swamped!

Jo: Same here! Say, it's been awhile. We should join-up.

Cope: A team attack?

Jo: Yep, just like the ol' days.

Cope: Now that's my kind of nostalgia.

Jo: So let's start!

Cope: Yeah!

(They perform fast and furious synchronized slashes that creates a barrier of sizzling death while at the same time displaying their flexibility and acrobatic prowess. This goes on for a while until both their saber hilts start glowing)

Jo: We've hit the mark!

Cope: You know what that means!

Jo: At the same time!

Cope: On my mark!

Jo: Ready,

Cope: Set,

All: Zhao Devastation Attack!

(Both of them enter a trance state of glowiness where they perform lightning slashes at an incredible speed. A combo counter appears on the screen's lower right corner and increases steadily as the kills rack up. The two exchange, combine, and flow with their weapons. Then Jo leaps high above Cope, saber flashing)

Jo: Raggle Fraggle—

Cope: Son of a B***h Finisher—

Both: HAA!

(Jo throws down his saber, creating a blast zone that sends a devastating shockwave which clears the immediate area of dragons. The combo meter stops at 250x as the two pals strike a pose)

**PERFECT!**

**BLOODTHIRSTY GENERAL BONUS!**

Jo: That's how it's done in the Dynasty.

Cope: Ho yeah. We're bad-a** alright.

(Squishy comes up to them)

Squishy: Holy s**t what did you just do?

Jo: We kicked major dragon a** that's what.

Squishy: God-D**n that was serious overkill!

(Rick appears)

Rick: Not quite; there's still a lot left.

(Screen fills up with fresh dragons)

Cope: Crap! Does it ever end?

Jo: We're just gonna have to cut a path through! Everyone, down!

(They descend, with the other fighters following suit. They end up back atop Draco)

Draco: Guh! Too much weight!

Anna: So you boys have your fun?

Will: Not entirely. Why'd we stop, Jo?

Jo: The stream is endless. Our only hope is to to go forward and out of this. Draco! We're gonna clear the front! You follow behind!

Draco: I gotcha, Joseph!

Jo: Come on, peeps! Forward! (Leaps forward into the dragon storm)

Stan: Oh not again…

Squishy: Come on Stan, it's easy! (Leaps off, followed by most of the others)

Stan: Sigh…

(Leaps off too. Now we see the warriors jumping across dragons and slashing them in every direction whilst moving forward. At some point they reach several serpentine Asian dragons, where they split up once again. Gray and Will run along a great orange Chinese dragon, while Jo and Cope and Squishy run up and fight Shenron from Dragon Ball. Stan, meanwhile, is running in a constant loop on the inside track of the Ouroboros)

Stan: What's going on, mine isn't going anywhere! (Ricks comes over and slices the snake, letting Stan run out) Thanks!

Rick: Sure.

(Rejoins the fray. After a while Jo and Will halt atop one dragon)

Will: I think we're almost out of it!

(Suddenly a Red Eyes Black Dragon rises up and readies a fire attack, but then it becomes encased in ice and falls away. That's when Lann lands right next to the two)

Lann: Figured I'd finally get in on some action. Keep up! (Leaps away)

Jo: You're one to talk Mr. Late-To-The-Party!

(Leaps off. The band soon regroup and travel across the remaining dragons. At some point a fireball knocks them off course and onto the back of a great red cel-shaded dragon)

Stan: Ah! I got this one! (Readies saber but Lann stops him)

Lann: No; it's Valoo from Wind Waker. He can help. (Puts fingers to his head and enters Random Telepathy) Have no fear; we are friends. The other dragons are bad except Draco and the Wind Drakes. Fry the others and get us to safety.

Valoo: (In Plain English) I don't know how you did that, but okay!

(The great dragon goes around torching the other dragons, assisted by some fire from Draco. Soon everything is almost clear)

Squishy: You did it Lann!

Lann: Nothing to it.

Jo: This Valoo guy kicks a**!

Cope: I could have told ya that.

(There is a cry. Nearby, the Robo-Dragon is still hovering in place)

Gray: There's the guy that started this whole thing!

Will: Let's finish it!

Lann: Valoo! Sic 'em!

(Valoo barks and shoots for the Robo-Dragon, but as he draws near, eight hideous dragons of a deformed look, missing eyes, with long necks and oily leather skin shoot up from a cloud bank below. They give hideous screeches similar to those of dying monsters)

Lann: Oh crap—

Squishy: Dragonmares!

(The necks of the hideous dragons glow green, and from their mouths balls of green energy are spewed forth. Valoo dives and dodges to avoid the rapid fire, in turn upending the riders, falling off him. After their initial fire the Dragonmares get into a tight formation and shoot forward at sonic speed. Valoo fails to avoid this charge and gets hit, immediately bursting into a cloud of red paper confetti that rains and flutters around our falling heroes)

Squishy: Oh S**t they killed Valoo!

Cope: B****rds, the lot of them!

(Now the Dragonmares' attention turn toward the falling heroes. They turn and dive at screaming speeds toward them)

Gray: Incoming!

(The guys start waving their arms to spread out and avoid the attacking monstrosities. When they pass and miss they quickly turn back and go after each person individually. This leads to Jedi and warrior sparring mid-air with the Dragonmares, clanging at teeth and claw and being pushed back from each deflected blow. As they're thrown back the fighters turn to kick off from one another to keep in the fray. This exchange continues as the great lake grows closer and closer)

Will: They're lining up!

(Indeed, the Dragonmares form a side-to-side formation and shoot straight forward)

Jo: Take your picks: we're finishing this!

(The Dragonmares reach them, but in a split second everyone manages to flip, avoid their teeth, and land and take hold of their backs. The monstrosities separate, spiraling and bucking to knock off their unwanted passengers)

Squishy: Whoa, steady girl steady!

Cope: Relent you fiend!

Gray: Yeehaw! Ride 'em Dragon Slayer!

Stan: (Flopping about) Oh God Oh God OH God can't hold crap crap crap!

(Somehow they all manage to control the beasts and fly away from each other. Then they turn their mounts around and aim for the lone Robo-Dragon. They increase speed, and at the last second they leap off, or in Stan's case lose their grip. All the Dragonmares collide with Robo and each other, causing a massive explosion similar in look to a miniature nuke. Our triumphant heroes soar casually and land softly atop Draco and Hiryuu)

Draco: You did it! I don't know how but you mopped the sky with those dragons! I'm impressed beyond words.

Jo: What can I say? We're simply magic.

Lann: Space magic, more like it.

Cope: Certainly how Lucas originally envisioned it.

Gray: Guess this is another incredible feat to put down in my memoirs.

Sara: You were great, Will!

Anna: Good going Jo, and Alex too!

Sally: You held up pretty decently, Stan.

Stan: You think so?

Jo: You survived, didn't you? Coupled with taking out a few dragons yourself, that's d*** near astronomically proficient in your case.

Stan: Oh come on.

(Everyone has a good laugh, including Draco. We now turn to the woods on the opposite shore of the lake. In the shade of some trees, something wheezes while watching the three dragons through a scope. It holds steady and focuses for some terse seconds. Then, with the squeeze of a trigger, the sound of thunder. In the air, a great hole forms in Draco's left wing, making him jolt his passengers)

Draco: Agh! I've been hit!

(More shots ring out, and bloody holes start popping up on the limbs and wings of the Wind Drakes. More wounds start appearing on Draco as well)

Anna: Dear Christ who's shooting at us?!

Jo: I don't know!

Draco: Grah, I'm hurt too bad! I can't hold up much longer!

(A bullet hits Hiryuu in the forehead, resulting in a massive spray of pixilated brain matter that startles everyone. The Wind Drake loses all life and plummets like a gray sack of meat)

Sally: DAAAAAD!

Sam Jackson: Oh F**k MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(The two remaining dragons begin succumbing to their wounds and tilt downward)

Draco: We're going down! Oh sweet haggis we're going down!

Will: Déjà vu!

(They all go careening and screaming downward into the thick forest below, crashing as the screen instantly blacks out)


	18. Episode 2 Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

**Mark of Le Critiqu****é**

_What will you be having this evening, sir?_

_Oh, I'll have a helping of morbid turnaround with a side of confusion please._

_An excellent choice, sir._

Hrrrrgh… What...?

* * *

(Cope opens his eyes and slowly rises from his lying position. Looking around and seeing nothing but canopy, he gets up only to feel the aches in his limbs caused by the landing. Fully standing, he spots Sam Jackson and Stan in the midst of recovery as well)

Sam Jackson: Aww f*** my back is killing me. Least nothing's broken, though my jacket's torn. Ain't that a b***h...

Cope: Where's Squishy?

Stan: Um, uh... oh! There he is.

(Points over to a nearby spot where the bloodied corpse of Hiryuu the Wind Drake lay. The Jawa Jedi is on his knees before the fallen creature in over-dramatized fashion)

Squishy: WHYYYYYY? How could this happen a second time? Oh Gaming Gods, why is it the awesome reptiles you always take? First you kill off Slydra, and now Hiryuu. He was supposed to live! Why did it have to be something so innocent and majestic?!

Cope: Wow, I honestly didn't think you were that invested in him.

Squishy: I'm not. I just figure I'd get the tension of another near-death experience out of my system. (Stands up) Now that I'm unwound, is everyone okay?

Cope: Yeah. Just fine, miraculously enough.

Squishy: No kidding, considering how far we fell. Even luckier we got over land when we dropped.

Sam Jackson: (As Tom McCourt from "Cell") Here lies the dead, dust of the earth, and here are we the living, poor and needy; Lord, think of us. You are our help and our deliverer; O my God, do not delay. Amen.

Stan: That… was awfully poignant, Sam.

Sam Jackson: (Normal) What was?

Cope: We should hurry and find the others before we end up like that dragon.

Squishy: Any idea where they went?

Cope: No clue.

(Nearby, a barrel takes aim. In an instant, a hole explodes near Cope's foot, sending up a sharp spray of dirt)

Stan: Whoa!

Sam Jackson: Who the f*** shot that!? (Another shot answers, sending up more dirt close to Sam Jackson) Gah F***!

Cope: We gotta get out of here!

Stan: Where to?

Cope: Anywhere!

(They all make a run into the woods as the ground and foliage gets tattered up by bullets)

* * *

(Somewhere else. The other Jedi and Gray watch on as Lann tends to a dying Draco, while nearby the corpse of the other Wind Drake is covered in some leaves and branches)

Lann: You gotta hang in there, Draco! You're too cool to die!

Draco: (Cough) Lannius, you are a kind lad. You have a heart that can be at home in any dragon. But, that kindness isn't enough to mend these wounds. (Cough) Even if it could, I'm far too old to last for much longer. (Cough)

Lann: Don't say that! You're still one strapping dragon packing loads of heat. You can get through this I know it!

Draco: (Cough) If you truly know me, then you'd know I'd want this.

Lann: Whuh?

Draco: You knew my name, so you must know about me. The land from which I hail from, I left woe to many a human that never deserved any. Before I could fix that mistake, I was spirited away to this place, left to stew in my own guilt. (Cough) Maybe fate chose me to die this way, because then it would have meant that I helped some worthy cause through sacrifice. I sensed great urgency in your hearts, so I knew you had something to do: something of dire importance. So tell me: Am I wrong, Lannius? (Cough) Had risking my life been in vain? (Cough cough)

Lann:...No. No it wasn't. You did real good, man.

Draco: Then might I make one final request?

Lann: What is it, Draky?

Draco: (Cough cough) Permission to die, Captain? (Cough)

Lann: (Teary-eyed) Aye. Permission granted, soldier. Report to Dragon Heaven on the double.

Draco: When I get there, should I meet the Maker, I'll put in a recommendation to have you admitted when your time comes.

Lann:…That's the greatest possible thing you could do for me, my friend.

Draco: So long, Lannius…

(He dies. Mournful bagpipes play as Lann bows his head and the former dragon turns transparent before dissipating into yellow balls of light. After a mournful moment Lann slowly stands up with his head still hung, then he pulls out his sword and plants it in the earth where Draco bid his final farewell. We switch over to Gray, who is wearing a plaid cap and playing the bagpipes. Anna comes up to him)

Anna: Where'd you get that?

Gray: (Stops playing) I harvested the Wind Drake's stomach.

Anna: And you got it cleaned, dried and piped this quick?

Gray: Since when did Dragon Slayers have to explain their bagpipe-making cred? All you need to know is that I'm multi-skilled like that.

Anna: Oh, okay then. It's still giving me a headache. (Snatches bagpipe, stabs it and tosses it away)

Gray: (Hat falls off) Aww, me pipes….

(Lann comes over looking all serious)

Lann: I'm gonna get the b****rd that did this to Draco.

Sylvia: How are you going to do that exactly? We barely know where we are.

Sara: And we still need to find Squishy, Sam, Stan and Alex.

Will: We're gonna have to start looking for them then.

Jo: So no moping around, alright Lann?

Lann: I suppose.

Sally: I wonder who exactly would shoot at us in the first place.

Rick: And with such precision. Land was still a good ways down.

Sally: Could it have been—

(Stan runs by)

Stan: Hey Sal! (Is gone)

Sally: Stan?

(Squishy runs through)

Squishy: Make way! (Gone)

Sylvia: And your father too!

(Cope runs by)

Cope: Help!

(Gone. Sam Jackson follows)

Sam Jackson: Yaaaaah! (Gone)

Anna: What the blazes are they running from?

(Dirt starts flying up from a trail of bullets)

Jo: From that! Flee!

(Everyone goes after the other runners)

Lann: Whoops, can't forget this!

(Snatches his sword as he runs past it. In the thicker sections of forest, the main group catches up to the remaining four)

Anna: Where were you guys?

Cope: Crash site; Squishy mourning; somewhere near.

Jo: Who's shooting at us?

Squishy: I don't know! I don't have x-ray vision!

Anna: It's called the Force, dingus!

Squishy: I'm just a Jedi, not a clairvoyant! Don't be hatin'!

(More shots torment the fleeing group. Up on a high ledge a good distance away we see the smoking barrel, and on the other end manning the thing is the larger-than-life stalker John Blubsoe)

John: That's right, little rodents. Stick to the path like the good civil servants that you are.

(Looks through the scope and aims. Down below, some bullets tear through a tree, bringing it down to block the group's escape route)

Stan: Dang!

Jo: That way!

(They go another way, bullets ripping through things around them all the while)

Sam Jackson: Normally I'm the one who's got suckas on the run; this really hasn't been my week!

(John continues to aim and fire at key spots, leading the heroes down a path cordoned by bullets. Soon they enter an area where the view is blocked, causing John to lower his weapon)

John: Perfect. Now for the true fun, heh heh.

(He hefts up his rifle and leaves. Back to our pursuees)

Jo: Hey everyone, stop! They stopped firing!

(Everyone screeches to a halt in a clearing where they pant)

Gray: How low down can you get? Firing while concealed: What a cheap approach!

Lann: But look what it's done to us. I may have to get into rifle training.

Will: I offer courses at fifty creds a sesh. Guaranteed proficiency in under a month for any firearm.

Sara: Worry about promoting yourself when we're out of this mess, Will.

Squishy: Too much hectic running. Need break.

John: Tired? You're supposed to be Master Jedi!

(Hopping downward among several ledges, setting off a hefty rumble with each landing, comes the camoed critic with his rifle strapped to his back. He lands before the Jedi and others, forming a small crater around his feet)

John: Tireless; driven; undeterred; righteous upholders of truth and justice. Heroes such as yourselves should never be in need of respite nor convalescence. Or have I and the rest of the galaxy at large been setting our expectations ludicrously high?

Anna: Oh God it's you again!

John: Yes, it is I: John Blubsoe! The man who presented himself as a worthy travel companion only to be wrongfully rejected based on personal prejudice.

Sam Jackson: Uh, scuse me? The f*** do you mean by "personal prejudice"? You're a straight up creep!

Sara: You got rejected out of fear of indecency you maniac!

John: And yet you travel with that horny potato no problem! Clearly you objected to my looks, and perhaps my manner of speech. If that was the case you could have just told me upfront, but instead tried to pull the wool over my unrelenting, piercing eyes. Group capacity maxed out; just how imaginatively bankrupt can you guys get?

Sylvia: Coming off as incredibly demeaning with every other sentence really isn't making you appear sympathetic.

John: Well I don't give a frippery what you think because I don't even want to be a part of your sissy, rubber-necked squad. In fact, you'll be shocked to know that _I never wanted to be in your party in the first place_! (Dun-Dun-DUN!)

Rick: Say what?

Cope: Then why did you come grovelling to join us?

John: Oh, for a very simple reason, fair Alex. But I believe another, more pressing revelation is in order. Would you believe that I am a Sith?

Lann: You? A Sith? Get real, Butterball. Like any Sith would be caught dead in that pattern of camo.

(Suddenly his sword comes out of its sheath and goes over to John, where it floats upright over John's open palm. Everyone is dumbstruck)

John: I'll keep this short. Since a young age I was well aware of my powers, and was also into Sith studies as a hobby. Exercising manipulation and intimidation through use of the Force never failed to amuse me. In time I began to see people's emotions and later learned how to bend them to my will to produce pleasing results. And since I used these techniques to tear down the moral foundations of every person I scrutinized just for sheer enjoyment, the career of a full-time critic was a no-brainer in terms of an ingenious cover and steady source of income.

Squishy: Of course: No one would suspect a critic of being a Sith. They're paid to be regularly cynical and mean towards everything.

Cope: Come to think of it, they often act similarly to a lot of Sith.

John: (Chuckles) That's no coincidence. Here's another shocker: They _are_ Sith!

Sally: *Gasp* Even Ebert and Roeper?

John: No, actually; those guys are just liberals. They operate in wholly different sphere of unpleasantness.

Sally: Huh...

Stan: So why did you want to join us, despite being a Sith?

Lann: And who the f**k gave you permission to grab my sword?

John: I wanted to get within your ranks for one simple reason, Stanley: Subterfuge.

Stan: Huh?

Lann: If you could just toss that back to me?

John: (Still ignoring Lann) They say the quickest way to destroy an enemy is from within. My plan was to get among you, snag some incriminating evidence and learn your darkest secrets. The ones you would never share amongst yourselves. Those photos you took from me was my first attempt on accruing possible dirt from the outside. Had you let me in, I would've sown the seeds of doubt with my expertly extracted intelligence. Mistrust would've run rampant, with each of you snapping at one another with contempt, envy, exaggerated favoritism, uncertainty, the whole nine yards of civil discontent. Once good friends you would soon begin questioning each other, which would escalate into arguments, arguments into fist fights, then lighsaber fights, space fights, senate fights, bullfights, cock fights, messy pillow fights, pillow-on-pillow fights, suicide Ewok runs, and finally total organizational meltdown and personal self-destruction.

With your Order a smoldering ash heap I'll begin muscling my way into the Senate and become the next big bad Chancellor. With my newfound political status I'll then replace all major figures in the galaxy with altered clones of myself. They will continue things as normal, but only I will know that it is I and I alone running the show! And as that's happening I'll have children sent to my office so that I may say things that will make them cry as I stuff myself with Beef Wellington coupled with the finest wines. It will be a new galactic order that critics like myself will flourish in, except all the critics will have been liquidated because I'm highly insecure and I can be the only critic! And no one will be able to stop me because I'll be rich, large and in charge and no tribunal could ever affect me! None I say! Muahahahahahahahahahahaha! It'll be utter perfection! Hahahahaha!

(Some silence)

Will: You… are one twisted, deranged individual.

John: Pff. Of course a Jedi would be so shortsighted before the breadth of my brilliance.

Rick: More like mouth-foaming stupidity, which is what you are if you think you can just break us apart like that.

Squishy: Yeah! We've been through too much and are too tight to snap like you want!

Sylvia: Absolutely!

Anna: Plus if you wanted that approach to work you needed to ease in first, let us get to know you and trust you some more as an acquaintance. Jumping straight in expecting to be rubbing shoulders is utterly amateurish.

John: Of all people you have no right to criticize me. You betrayed your Supreme Sith Lord title so badly that you couldn't even sense my Sithness up to now.

Anna: Probably because you're not even a real Sith, sweetie. Lacking the training and decorum and so forth; you're just some Force-hopped entitled blowhard s*** for all I care.

Sam Jackson: Hot d***! Even I felt that one.

Lann: Spicy.

John: Pah! You don't think I can't take what I have been dishing out since my first word? Still, I make it a point to destroy any who insult me or my fleeting displays of goodwill. And since I can no longer take you out from the inside, then I'll just have to eviscerate the lot of you the old fashion way.

Jo: Then ya shoulda taken us out back in the air, because your a** is gonna get torn up like nobody's business.

Will: Consider this your perma-ban notice.

Anna: And a proper course in Sith savagery.

Cope: Something which I have dabbled in myself.

Anna: Thanks to me.

Cope: Love you too.

Sally: So stick em up, Lardy!

(Everyone breaks out their sabers/blades, except Lann)

Lann: Well, don't I feel awkward. But you bet I'll you make pay for what you did to Draco once I pry that sword of mine from your sweaty, flabby Force grip.

John: You can have it. I don't need this dinky blade. (Tosses Lann's sword, which clangs across the ground and stops at Lann's feet) Not when I have this sweet piece of hardware.

(He grabs his rifle and swings it around to his front. A push of some switches and a slide of a lever and the gun extends and reshapes into a vibroblade polearm, which John swings and twirls around with speed and grace that awes the group. He strikes it down at his side in a menacing preparatory posture)

John: So, anything to say before we get this slaughter started?

(Gray slowly raises his hand)

Gray: Can I make a song request?

John: By all means. Just think it and it will be so.

Gray: Okay.

(The opening piano from the S.S.H. remix of "Red Lucifer Rising" starts playing)

Squishy: Oooh, ominous.

John: Fitting. Anyways: You Jedi have existed for long enough. The new Sith dawn is upon us with me as its overseer and champion. My glorious and brutal rule shall be legendary. It is time for you all to take your places in the tome of obscurity, and become nothing more than distant memory.

Stan: Wow that was pretty good.

Cope: Don't compliment the antagonist, Stan.

Stan: Woop, sorry.

Sylvia: Get ready.

Jo: Always ready.

(The piano switches to synth rock, and after a pause the Jedi charge. John steps forward and knocks away the blows of Will and Cope before leaping back from a lunge from Sylvia. He charges forward with his own lunge and they lock blades as Sara and Jo run in. John kicks both of them back in sequence, then back flips around his weapon to punt a diving Squishy away before landing and shoving Sylvia away. Rick and Stan try to get at him but he spins his weapon around to ward them off, then leaps several yards to land before a startled Sam Jackson)

Sam Jackson: Hey man, I don't want any part in—

(Gets batted by the side of John's polearm. John goes on the offensive and starts slashing at Sally, but then notices Will has pulled out his Winchester rifle. He disengages and runs at him, shifting his head to dodge a bullet, then cartwheels over to avoid another shot before flipping around to slice Will's rifle in half. He tries to stab at Will but gets blocked by the butt of the destroyed gun, so John backflips to bring his blade down against a sneaking Rick. After being deflected back he whirls around to face Jo, where they smack weapons repeatedly as Cope tries running at his back. John notices this and pulls a trigger on his polearm, causing a bullet to shoot from the back of the weapon and graze Cope's side. In the confusion he twirls his polearm and bashes the underside of Jo's chin, but before he can capitalize on this he's rushed by Stan, Will, Rick and Squishy. He breaks into a whirlwind of slashes while also firing more rounds from the other end, making the Jedi deflect both bullets and blade slashes in dazzling display. Eventually John plants his polearm into the earth and fires off a gas canister that immediately smokes up the area and blinds everyone. Within the haze he knocks away the combatants, but a gust of wind clears everything and he turns to push against some wind bursts being fired by Lann's sword. One burst makes him stumble and Lann leaps at him with sword bearing down, but John quickly recovers and catches it with his own blade)

Lann: You're pretty light on your feet for a fat guy.

John: Same to you. Although, if I'm being honest, you hardly qualify for what is commonly considered as being fat.

Lann: It's called being husky. Plus, I know how to make it look sexy.

John: You know, we really shouldn't be fighting like this. We're both well-educated chaps who had to put up with the harsh standards of society. I'm sure we would've been the best of friends under fairer circumstances.

Lann: Maybe. But I make it a point not to associate with anyone who kills my boyhood crushes!

(John pushes Lann off, then hops back a few steps to avoid Lann's swift electric slash. Lann fires off some fireballs mixed with lightning bolts that John sidesteps and knocks away, and John spins around his polearm to return fire and disrupt his opponent. He then charges to catch Lann off-guard, when suddenly Gray launches up from behind Lann with arm blades pulled back ready to spike. John quickly turns his weapon to the ground and shoots a round at his feet, the concussive force throwing him back right as Gray plants his blades into the dirt. John manages to get his footing right when Gray is up in his face, throwing down his heavy fiery arm blades in the hope of cutting through the polearm or its owner. When neither relents, he rears back and lets out a great fire breath, except John jumps over it completely and delivers a spin kick to the side of his head)

John: Too predictable, Gray!

(John then gets hit by a bolt of Force Lightning, only to quickly raise up his hand to counter the electrical stream Anna is firing his way. The two remain locked in electric stalemate until Sara tries to get the jump on John. He sends out a burst of lightning to sever the connection and focuses on fighting Sara. She holds her own pretty well, enough so that Anna is able to get within striking distance of John's broad back without his notice. However he notices a split second before the hit and springs high and away, flipping around and taking aim with his polearm's barrel aimed right at them. He fires, but Gray slides in with his arms raised to catch the rifle shot with his bracers, the force of impact making him slide back and knock over both him and the ladies. John lands in a crouch and straightens up, but before he can gloat or mock he brings around his polearm to block several bullets heading his way. When they cease he looks to see Sam Jackson dressed up as Nick Fury with a pistol trained on him)

Sam Jackson: How bout trying me on for size, twinkle toes?

(John does so, rushing at the SHIELD director with gusto. Sam Jackson fires again but his gun gets knocked aside, and he quickly withdraws another gun and pops off a few rounds before that's also knocked away and he's left to defend himself with his bare hands. This he does expertly, blocking incoming blows and even throwing in some kicks to shake up his opponent. He eventually succeeds in grabbing the polearm and wrenching it from John's grasp, tossing it aside so that both have to rely on hand-to-hand combat. As they're trading blows)

John: Never thought an actor as old as you can stay in such phenomenal shape.

Sam Jackson: I only act where deception is called for. But yeah, I have to keep in shape. After all, I need to keep up with the likes of Captain America, Thor—(He slips around behind John back and wraps his arms around his waist) And even the mother-lovin' Hulk.

(Sam Jackson hefts and bends over backwards, slamming John into the ground with a devastating suplex. However John doesn't stay stunned, instead rolling and springing off from his shoulders, grabbing his weapon in midflight. He does two back flips and rolls before rising to a stop with his back against the rocks he had jumped down from earlier, with the Jedi closing in on him. He glances back, then in a flurry of blade swipes he cuts away several dozen chunks of rocks that he takes hold of in his Force grip, then chucks them all at our heroes, who either have to dodge, leap or slice through the boulder bombardment. John laughs and throws off his vest)

John: Is that all you got; I haven't even broken a sweat you inept nimrods! I can do this all day!

(Throws himself back into the fray. Outside the clearing, something lurks in the brush. Eventually it gets close enough to get a nice view of the melee, and we pull back to see this unseen observer is none other than Dennis Miller)

Dennis Miller: At last I find you, my elusive and quarrelsome quarry. And it appears you have gotten into quite the scuffle. Thirteen against one; a rather foolish gambit to make. Yet you appear to be holding your own pretty well. I'll just wait here for you to tire out, when the opportunity for recapture is at its ripest.

(Back to the fight, Sylvia is going at John while Squishy runs up her back and tries going at him from above again. Sylvia is batted off and John holds out his weapon to push away Squishy, who dives back down again and again and once more before he's knocked away. By then Sara has gotten close to him, but he delivers a kick to her torso that makes her stumble wildly and trip backward into the brush. As she falls her lightsaber goes wide and sears through some leaves, as well as the face of the hidden Miller)

Dennis Miller: AAAGGGGHHH! God F*** S*** GAAAAAHHGH!

(His cries of pain catches everyone's attention and immediately the fighting stops)

Gray: What was that?

Cope: The h***? Is that Dennis Miller?

John: D-D-What?!

Sam Jackson: Da f*** is he doing here? And who keeps putting s*** on me when I'm not looking? (Rips off eyepatch)

Sara: Oh my goodness I'm so sorry I didn't see you there!

Dennis Miller: (Gripping face) Gaaaaah, it burns like a f***er. Ooooh how it stings. Should've stayed further back, so stupid. Uhhhhhhnn, d***it.

Sara: Is, is there anything I can do to help? We should get that taken care of at least.

Dennis Miller: No no. Don't need medicine. I just… have to…. (Drops hand, revealing scorched half of face as he hungrily stares at John) FEEEEED!

(Suddenly he leaps out with arms outstretched like a puma, launching through the air on a beeline toward John)

John: What the F—!?

(Dennis pounces on John and begins tearing at his flesh with tooth and nail)

John: WAAAAGH OH MY GOD! GET HIM OFF HE'S EATING ME OH F*** MY FACE HRRRAUUUAAAAGHRRRAAAAAAGGGGG!

(John goes on making blood-curdling screams as Dennis devours him like a demon loosed from Hell. The group meanwhile stand and stare in shock, their complexions going pale at the horrific sight as well as the sickening sounds of teeth chewing warm, gushing flesh)

Anna:...Should I even ask—

Cope: (Shakes head stiffly) Noooooo.

(They watch the scene a bit longer)

Jo: We… should definitely go.

Rick: Definitely.

Gray: Good idea.

Squishy: No complaints here.

Sam Jackson: Yuh.

(As one they all slowly back away from the clearing, never tearing their focus from the carnage unfolding until they were deep in the woods and it was long out of sight and sound)


	19. Episode 2 Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

**Steppin' Thru**

_The world of critics is a primal, merciless one, as the Jedi learned firsthand from the fate of John Blubsoe at the hands of Dennis Miller. Although a Sith with an impressive fighting acumen, in the end John's cynicism and nefarious aspirations were no match against the raw might of the Great White Critic. At the very least it meant one less obstacle for our heroes to tackle, and even though they had experienced the loss of three winged allies, they pressed on with the hope that the direction they were following would bring them closer to their objective. In the words of George Michael, "ya gotta have faith"._

* * *

(The group is marching along through the woods as the sky slowly begins shifting to orange)

Squishy: We've been walking for like ever.

Anna: We've always been walking forever. Tell me something new.

Cope: I thought this was a bad route.

Lann: Everyone is well past caring.

Jo: Any idea how much longer, Will? Morale is starting to wane.

Will: I should be able to tell once we're atop the next hill.

(Soon everyone reaches the hill's crest and stops. Before them they see three large mountains bunched together with forests surrounding their conjoined bases)

Sally: Those are some big peaks.

Will: It's a welcome sight is what it is. I looked through the mission's dossier on the flight here and it said the target was in some mountains. And I'm betting you that _those_ are those mountains.

Stan: You serious?

Squishy: Holy crap, it's so close. This last leg is nothing compared to all the mileage we've been covering so far!

Anna: The Gods grant further mercy! I'm gonna escape with my sanity barely intact once again!

Sam Jackson: Amen to that, sister. I've seen enough messed-up things for a lifetime. Can't wait to teleport up out of here when we take out whatever you're after.

Sylvia: I'm sure we can all use a vacation when this is over.

Will: Definitely. Although there's this glaring little detail that would make that difficult to do.

Sam Jackson: And what would that be, Grizzled Adams?

Will: That.

(Points. The camera pulls back to reveal the long wide straightaway leading to the mountains, which is completely covered in dozens and dozens of wiggly giant dragons)

All: You've Got To Be Kidding Me!

Sam Jackson: Oh F*** just look at all them!

Squishy: It's like a shag rug made of scaly ferociousness!

Sally: It looks endless!

Rick: About as thick as it was over the lake.

Anna: Oy vey!

Will: The kicker is that that's the quickest route to those mountains. Plus it's the only one I know of, so no chance of doubling back and finding an alternative.

Jedi: Crumbs...

Lann: Oh come on, guys. We've faced lots of dragons on the way here. What's a few hundred more?

Gray: Yeah! There's slayin' opportunity here! Let's go get them; it'll be a blast! (Tosses out arm motivatingly)

Group:…..

Gray:…..

Will: Yeeeeah, I'm really not up for that much fighting.

Anna: Ya loony or something, Gray?

Cope: That fight with John has worn me out.

Sara: I'm pretty tired too.

Stan: Same here.

Jo: Stupendously lax.

Sylvia: Me as well.

Sally: My feet hurt.

Rick: Meh, not feeling it.

Squishy: I'd offer you a ridiculous strategy, but I'm drawing a blank. Sorry.

Lann: Oh come on! You're all on a really important mission! You shouldn't be going slack now that you're this close to completing it. What sort of quitters give up right at the end?

Jo: Oh, here's an idea: How bout our guests take care of the dragons and clear the path for us?

Jedi: (Nodding) Yeeeeeah.

Lann: Huh?

Gray: Wha?

Sam Jackson: Run that by me again?

Jo: It makes perfect sense when you think about it. You three haven't done all that much this entire trip, and it's about time you pulled some serious weight for a change.

Three: WHAAT!?

Squishy: Us Jedi can't take all the credit, y'know. Everyone has to put in their equal share.

Sylvia: And it'd make for a great team-building exercise. The three of you working together, those dragons shouldn't stand a chance.

Anna: So drop those mopey faces of yours; you have the honor of performing an important, critical task.

(The three candidates are slack-jawed, looking like frazzled manga characters)

Lann: You can't be serious! I'm a scholar, not a full-time exterminator! My profession is in observing dragons, not slaughtering them! I know I had to do what needed to be done up to this point for survival and progressions sake, but my conscience wouldn't allow me to breathe easily with the deaths of so many of these majestic creatures weighing heavily on it. You're demanding way too much from a sentimental type like moi!

Gray: Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-But there's so many of them, I'm talking hundreds! I'm a renowned Dragon Slayer and enjoy killing dragons, and it pains me to admit this, but I could never handle that many on my own. You guys have to lend me a hand or something!

Sam Jackson: Ah H**l no! F**k no, even! I was only supposed to do a short stupid cameo appearance; I never asked to get wrapped up in this bulls***. I'm only an actor; it's a miracle I've been able to survive as long as I have. And I keep having these random blackouts where things happen that I don't remember and right here is the tipping point to my tolerating all this weird-a** s***. Tell you what: I'll just sit this one out and let the actual trained professionals handle things. At least then there'd be a less likely chance of me getting stomped on or eaten again by some f***-all dragon.

Jo: You guys don't seem to realize just how serious a position you're in, so let me put it another way: Either quit your b***hing and kill those dragons, or else...

Gray and Lann: (Nervously) Or else…?

Jo: (Severely) Or else, you will be...

_Kicked out of the group_

_With no mention of your being in this story_

_Whatsoever!_

(Gray and Lann gasp, but Sam Jackson looks nonplussed)

Sam Jackson: That's fine by me. Whatever will get me out of this h**hole quick—

(Gray and Lann wrap Sam Jackson in a hug of hopeless desperation)

Gray and Lann: Aiiiiiieeee! We're SCREWED!

(Manga-nized)

_**HEEEAAALP!**_

* * *

(In a secret command center, a secretive commander watches this cry for help on secret video)

Kahn: Agents are…

**GO!**

* * *

(Back on Draconia, we see a black Cadillac tearing through the woods. It breaks through the trees and into the air with a "Vrooooom!", where it gets caught in the mouth of a large dragon. From the car leaps three black-suited agents with sunglasses and stylin' hairdos. They land with a flourish in a triangle formation, stand up and the leader whips out a badge)

Elite Beat Agents: Hey!

Mission:

3 v 300?!

Warriors, Strut Your Stuff!

Gray: (Freaking out) Ah man… I'm still tired from the walk. I have to dig real deep for this one!

(Now we get two screens: The top screen shows a hopeless Gray, and on the bottom the agents leap in and release a great groovy star that starts up Blink 182's "All The Small Things", which causes Gray to wave his arms ecstatically)

EBA: Are you ready? 3, 2, 1, GO!

(In the bottom screen numbered bubbles appear and are tapped in tune to the beat. On the top screen we're shown images of Gray cutting and tearing his way through the dragon horde to the upbeat music)

_All the, small things_

_True care, truth brings._

_I'll take, one lift_

_Your ride, best trip._

_Always, I know_

_You'll be, at my show._

_Watching, waiting,_

_Commiserating._

_Say it ain't so, I will not go_

_Turn the lights off, carry me home_

(During the Na-Na segment we get a break)

Gray: Mega Dragon SLASH! (He unleashes a slice that clears the path of a good chunk of dragons) Ya-Ha! That's what I'm talking about! (Thumbs up)

**O**

Lann: I can't commit this atrocity while sober. I need to get smashed, bad!

(Brings up and pops a beer bottle. For his segment of the song Lann's drinking gets progressively more hardcore so that when the beats are hit perfectly he is seen downing a whole keg and other bottles simultaneously. If done poorly, he is seen vomiting)

_Late night, come home_

_Work sucks, I know_

_She left me roses by the stairs._

_Surprises let me knows she cares._

_Say it ain't so, I will not go_

_Turn the lights off, carry me home_

(At his break)

Lann: Okay I'm crocked. General O'Leary!

(From the brush an orange hot rod roars out with the Irish flag painted on its roof and blaring the Irish anthem from its horn. Lann jumps in and drives wildly, splattering a great many dragons before stopping)

Lann: All done, *hic*, Abel. (Collapses out of car)

**O**

Sam Jackson: F*** trying to kill these things. I just gotta survive!

(For the instrumental part of the song Sam Jackson is shown fleeing for his life from dragons to varying degrees of success based on the proficiency of the player. When his break comes a dragon lunges to gobble him up, only to have the top half of its head sliced off. We see that Sam has donned the garb and lightsaber of Mace Windu, and he fires a Force Push that blows away several other dragons)

Sam Jackson: May the Force guide me to victory.

**O**

Lann: Let's finish it together, men!

Two: Yeah!

(For the final part of the song all three of the guests are waving ecstatically to the beat, and then go about tri-attacking everything still standing. The agents down below still deliver sweet moves as the tap formations reach their most complex. Finally, a great spinner appears, and it spins to fill up a meter and end the sequence at last)

_Say it ain't so, I will not go_

_Turn the lights off, carry me home_

_Keep your head still, I'll be your thrill_

_The night will go on, my little windmill_

_Say it ain't so, I will not go_

_Turn the lights off, carry me home_

_Keep your head still, I'll be your thrill_

(We return to a single screen again, where we see a sizable group of dragons converging on the three, looking hungry. Suddenly a naked Blink 182 runs across the field, catching the dragons' attention and leading them on a merry chase after the alt-rock band, leaving the path completely empty and our fighters a tad confused. The song peters out)

Sam Jackson: (Back to normal) Did I just see what I just thought I saw?

(The Jedi come up to them)

Cope: You're still alive!

Sally: And you took care of the dragons! Hoo-ray!

Squishy: Way to go, fellas!

Sara: Sammy you were amazing!

Stan: Great driving, Lann!

Will: Gray was plain boss out there!

Gray: (A bit embarrassed) Please please, hold the compliments. It's nothin', really.

Lann: Just doing what we had to do for the group.

Sam Jackson: Uh, don't know if me running for my life is worth applauding. Though I suppose that certifies me as a d*** good distraction if those other two could cover for me.

Jo: I have to say, I was a fool doubting your capabilities. You've proven yourselves to be a downright formidable team, and I've never been gladder to have you on our side.

Lann: We accept your recognition, and are glad to be of service. (Goes to the other two)

Gray: You hear that? He thinks we'd be dangerous working on our own. That has got to be one of the best forms of flattery I ever got.

Sam Jackson: Least I know I can stand a chance when s*** really hits the fan.

Lann: We pulled through through the power of teamwork, and that's what matters. High fives all around!

Gray: Hear hear!

Sam Jackson: Sure, man.

Three: (High fives) Alright! (Thumbs up)

**Tally of Scores and Rank**

**For now:**

**A**

**1,756,230**

J: Our work here is done. Time to move on and help other weirdos with their problems.

EBA: Huah!

(The agents leap away)

Gray: Uh, who were those guys?

Squishy: Them? They're the Elite Beat Agents: Specialist motivators who aid people through the power of rhythm and dance. Essentially a spiffy cheer squad.

Gray: Were they there the entire time?

Rick: Pretty much.

Sam Jackson: And that didn't strike you as odd?

Will: No; they've been popping up around the galaxy since a few weeks ago.

Lann: Come to think of it, I sorta recall seeing something about it on the news.

Jo: We'll talk about it more while we're moving. The path's clear, so let's see about finishing our mission.

Anna: Yes please!

(Everyone agrees and move onward toward their distant destination)


	20. Episode 2 Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

**Dragonfire Conquest**

_At long last, after days of constant walking, fighting, and bizarre encounters, the final goal was in sight. The mission that had brought and stranded the Jedi on Draconia was nearly at an end. But what perils might await them at the foot of the mountain? What could ever hinder the group's progress after so much has been faced already? Could anything really surprise them at this point? Maybe nothing. Or it may be the greatest trial the heroes have faced yet, one that will astound all of them. However, one in particular will be affected more greatly than the others. Who exactly? Maybe the text will point it out better than I can… What are you still looking at? Just look below you dunce!_

* * *

(It is now twilight. Our heroes have left the great wide path and are on a very narrow, tree-lined one)

Sara: To think it's nearly over.

Will: Not quite, dear. We still need to climb to the top of those peaks, and I doubt that's gonna happen before nighttime.

Squishy: Who cares. I just know tomorrow is gonna be our last day here.

Sylvia: How are you so certain?

Squishy: Because transportation is always available at the end of these excursions, dear. Hee hee!

Sylvia: Hmmm. It usually is, come to think of it.

Lann: I definitely had a blast being with you guys. You're all pretty cool to hang with, especially you Copeland.

Cope: Alex.

Gray: It was fun slaying in a group this big. Been a long while since I adventured with a party as diverse as this one.

Sam Jackson: Despite some questionable decisions and unpleasant run-ins, overall I say you did a good job keeping me safe as promised. When I get back home and spend a few weeks doing absolutely nothing, I'll see about inviting you over for a party at my place. A real celebrity-style shindig as thanks.

Jo: I appreciate the appreciation you're all showing. And gotta say, even if we had our disagreements, it was refreshing working with some new faces. Finding people capable of keeping up with the likes of us is depressingly rare, so whatever gripes I've expressed, I just want you three to know that it's been— (Trips) Whoa!

Group: Jo!

(They grab Jo and pull him back into standing)

Jo: Who put this drop here?

(They all gather round him and see a drop of thirty feet. Looking across a distance of about sixty feet they see the rest of the forest past what appears to be a massive pit)

Rick: (Whistles) That's some fall. You could have gotten a pretty nasty bump, Jo.

Jo: Yeah, if I didn't have my hair positioned the right way.

Sally: Looky there!

(Down below we see a clearing of grass, some rocks and one other thing. In the middle there's a large mound-shaped shrine with a bell altar on it. Lying in the zen garden beneath the bell is a fair figure in white clothes)

Sally: Isn't that Sentina down there?

Stan: Sentina?

Jo: I'll be derned, it is her!

Sara: What is she doing down there like that? Wait, I've seen that shrine somewhere before.

Will: Yeah: This morning when we left camp.

Sara: But what's it doing here?

Anna: I'm getting a bad bit of foreboding in the Force, guys.

(There's a tremor, and the ground loosens and breaks, sending everyone falling and yelling. They hit the clearing below with an Oof!)

Sara: Ow my butt!

Sally: At least you have a butt. I think I just bent my tail.

Will: Guess that saved us the trouble of getting down here, at least.

Sam Jackson: But what was with that quake—

_So glad that you could "drop" in. Heh heh heh._

Gray: Hur?

Cope: Who said that? And who taught you how to wordplay?

_I have been watching you for some time; bore witness to the many crimes you have committed. As you continued your swath of destruction, you have proven yourselves more of a threat to myself. There was a time when I could simply ignore you all, but as I am on the verge of achieving my goal, I can no longer let you walk this earth. Nothing must prevent the coming of my Grand Reign._

Will: Wait a sec; that threatening, self-indulgent tone...

Anna: That background mumbling..

_I chose this place as the site for the unveiling of what exactly you are dealing with…. and how declining my offer was both your worst, and last mistake!_

(The whole place starts rumbling as a mini-earthquake happens. Amidst all this shaking Sentina wakes up atop the shrine)

Sentina: Huh? What is this? (Notices group) Hey, what's going o—

(There is a great roar that sends walls of dirt flying around the clearing. Cracks form around the shrine, and in a blast it comes out of the ground. Through the dust we see a writhing serpentine form, and as the dust clears more forms are spotted. Once the air clears completely the Jedi gape in awe at the sight floating before them. The shrine is floating ten feet off the ground, and attached to it is the long neck and covered head of Orochi. Not only that, but there are seven other lookalikes sticking out of the other parts of the shrine, each of them wearing hats of different shapes and colors bearing a different kanji symbol in white. As the heroes look on as we also see the great monstrosity emanating a great mystical aura of a near-Godly brilliance. What they beheld… was a legend)

**Orochi**

**Okami Edition**

Orochi: We meet again, Outlanders. Only now you stand before my entire form. Every inch of my being radiates terrible power; your feeble mortal minds can barely comprehend such raw magnificence.

Sam Jackson: What…. The…. H**l?

Lann: So that's where his other heads were, but d**n: he looks pure kick-a**. More so than the actual legends described him as.

Stan: Hey! What are you doing with Sentina?

Orochi: Eh? One dares to speak out of turn so defiantly? Impetuousness such as that has dashed any hope of mercy in regards to your collective demises.

Will: There he goes again.

Squishy: How about answering the question?

Orochi: What sense would there be in answering when I hinted at my grand intentions days ago, and practically announced mere moments before unveiling my entire form.

Anna: Could you just spell it out for our feeble minds, Ol' Decadent One?

Orochi: Complete Rule is what I am after: Of the land, the sea, and the stars in the night sky. All of that will soon be mine.

Rick: And what makes you believe that?

Orochi: Because that's what I've been steadily working towards ever since I arrived in this foreign world, and it is almost at an end.

Cope: What work exactly? It's been nothing but bluster we've been getting from you.

Sally: And also stealing dad's mushrooms.

Squishy: Me precious stash!

Orochi: Still you remain indifferent to my terrifying presence. Why haven't you been frightened into silence by my omnipotent aura? Do I not look like the very epitome of nature's wrath which your kind has feared since those frigid nights huddled in your caves?

Lann: You do indeed look cool, but all that talking is ruining it.

Anna: We've seen far scarier things than you, bub.

Cope: Like Jo's Booty Crank.

Jo: D**n straight! What?

Gray: Hey let's not go getting sidetracked here. I wanna know what this big bad dragon has been doing to make himself worth taking as a threat.

Sylvia: As Lann put it, you're primarily talk from what we've seen.

Sara: All flash no show, is that it?

Orochi: Grah! I tire of your vain yet irksome attempts at insulting me. Maybe it'd be easier if I told you everything all at once. Since you're all going to perish anyway, this should give you some peace of mind before the end, as well as shut you up!

Jo: Sounds fine by me. Talk away, Big Guy.

Orochi: Grr…. You'll all suffer dearly, but only after I have spoken.

In the realm I was borne from I was darkness incarnate whose wrath was unmatched. All mortal men cowered before me, and I feasted upon the fairest maiden of any village without hindrance. But when I was thrust into this new world I found myself weak, disoriented, as if I had awoken from a great slumber. My power was stripped from me, and I was at a loss as to why. Then it struck: The hunger. An undying, burning desire to consume, and only one thing could quench it: The flesh of my fellow kin, the dragons.

Group: (Great gasps)

Orochi: There was a great abundance of them in this land, so it was inevitable that I would whet my impressive fangs upon divine meat. Yet, after my first bite, I noticed something. Upon eating the dragon, I felt rejuvenated, enriched, empowered. After I finished I could sense a fragment of my previous power, and that's when the cause for my weakened state became apparent. From where I originate from, I am the one true divine serpent. Yet here, the land is covered with them, of varying shapes and sizes. Because I was no longer unique, my divinity meant nothing, for it was shared among so many others. But in devouring one of them, I had regained some of my former influence. Thus it became clear what I needed to do to reclaim my glory: Consume every dragon in this land until only I remained. Only then would I retake my status as the sole existing divine serpent.

Sally: That's just crazy! Isn't it? (Gets shrugs from others)

Orochi: As I fed, my senses became more and more honed. I could feel all aspects of my surroundings, and eventually I could even feel the life present beyond the night sky. To my unfortunate surprise I detected other great dragons were scattered amid the cosmos. This filled me with roiling outrage as I had no means of vacating this terrestrial plane to devour those among the stars. It had appeared I would be resigned to ruling over this planet alone… that was, until I came across this particular specimen. (Shakes head, indicating top of shrine and Sentina)

Sentina: Huh? M-me?

Orochi: I had believed she was a simple maiden when I laid my eyes on her; the first I had seen in this realm. I craved that sweet innocent blood in that moment, but upon getting a taste… I was absolutely astonished. In my daze I was struck by lightning which she fired from her mouth, forcing me to strike quickly and retreat to the shadows. That retaliation was proof she was no "maiden" but a dragon. But the taste of her blood, it proved beyond any doubt how special she was. The blood that flows through her veins is the purest I had ever tasted; it held a deep richness comparable to the gods. The might contained within this breed of dragon could easily match the glory of the Celestial Plains. To set it aflame. Encountering her was a sign that my ambitions would find success.

Sentina: That shadow… It was you! You attacked me that day!

Gray: Hur? He was the one who did that?

Stan: You left her to suffer and die you monster!

Orochi: But it was your kindness that saved her. And for that, you have my sincerest gratitude.

Group: Wha!?

Orochi: Because of your intervention, the final stage of my ascension was preserved. For in order to reap all her power, I needed to consume her alive!

Group: Whaaaat!?

Sentina: You're going to eat me?!

Orochi: But of course! With your volatile nature stymied by my nullification bell, you'll make a most tender, delectable dish. And with your essence absorbed into my being I can begin my ultimate task: The Great Cleansing! With your pure dragon blood complementing my mythical power, I can transfer myself to anywhere I desire. I will traverse this galaxy, scouring it of all other dragons. I will take their life flames to further kindle my own. Soon mine will be the last to blaze, and its size and brilliance will outmatch any sun. I will become the center of this universe, and from there I will bring forth an age of fathomless darkness, one that will far, far surpass the one I held reign over in my previous dimension. On that day, the mortals of this realm will acknowledge me as their True God, for the rule of Orochi will be ETERNAL!

Squishy: Dear God…. An age of darkness straight from mythological text.

Will: And run by a floating, eight-headed turtle no less.

Jo: Like h**l we're gonna let some snake with a God-complex plunge our galaxy into darkness!

Anna: That's right! We already got a bald guy with a God-complex running things just fine, and we only have to deal with acts of cross-breeding, perversity, randomness and the occasional simian sodomy.

Lann: The spot of Head Honcho is already taken is what she's saying, so go take a hike!

Orochi: I have put up with your mockery for long enough. Although you have preserved my sacrifice's life, you remain disrespectful, and furthermore pose a threat to me. You have been killing dragons steadily for days, depriving me of my energy source. And undoubtedly your bloodlust would eventually lead you to me, thus I shall destroy you preemptively, within this arena of my choosing! Only then will my ascension occur fully unhindered.

Stan: Well that's your mistake right there, because we'll never fall to one as pompous as you!

Orochi: And what makes you so sure of that, you impertinent hatchling?

Stan: Because we're Jedi, and I won't let you hurt Sentina ever again!

Sentina: S-Stan?

Orochi: Why does this creature matter to you? To one as supreme as myself, she's only fit to be a meal. A snack to fill my gullet with power and meat!

Stan: (Shaking with anger) Why you… You put Sentina down right now! (Whips out saber with a mean look)

Orochi: You're serious, aren't you?

Stan: Dead serious! I'm a Jedi Knight, and I refuse to allow you to bring harm to innocents: Both out of protocol, and for my personal reasons! So put her down you bully and I'll make sure you get a quick clean—

(One of Orochi's heads sweeps down and whacks Stan into a skyward trajectory, where he disappears yelling into the mauve sky. His deactivated lightsaber hilt hits the ground with hardly a sound)

Group: STAN!

Orochi: Hmph. Unsatisfying. The rest of you will have to receive quadruple the punishment to make up for his insolence alongside yours.

Jo: This is it: The final battle, sorta. Time to do this!

Will: I'm not so sure. He just offed Stan in one hit.

Sally: How… How can this happen again? Stan…

Cope: Then you fight in his memory! Pull yourself together!

Rick: I highly doubt he's dead. He just took a trip.

Squishy: Your brother's right, Sally. You can't give in yet!

Sylvia: We have to stay strong, honey! For both Sentina's and Stan's sake!

Sally: Y-Yeah! You're gonna pay ya toothy a**hole!

Lann: That's the spirit! Let's get it on!

Orochi: So be it. (Rises higher in the air) I offered you the chance to assist my grand design, but your "values" made you squander your one chance at survival. Bear witness to the frivolity of your ideals, and the foolishness in making light of my threats.

Jo: Show us what ya got, Octo-Pussy!

Group: …..

Jo: What? That was clever and you know it. Shut up!

Orochi: Outlanders, be forever SILENT!

(The battle begins. Immediately the group scatters as the lead Orochi head slams down to deliver a pound. As everyone moves around the perimeter of the arena they face off with the seven other heads. For the most part they try to bite and swing, but they also throw in elemental attacks. A head with a yellow hat rains down lightning that further scatters our heroes. One with a green curved hat summons a whirlwind that blows at the Jedi and trips them up, leaving them open to get knocked back by a sweep. Lann leaps in and hits a neck with his sword, only to get a clang and barely dodges an attacking head. An ice helmet one bites at Gray who slashes back, but his arm blades only bounce off it. The head rears back and charges with energy as Gray does the same, and both unleash great blizzard breaths of equal size that knocks both of them away. Amid all this the Jedi continue to run, dodge and strike without doing damage. Then a head with a black helmet pulls back and spits out two big plant buds that land in front of a fleeing Sally)

Sally: Oooh, what are these?

(She pokes one and it explodes, unleashing a massive cloud of darkness that covers everything)

Cope: What the H**l!?

Anna: I'm blind I tells ya I'm blindeded!

Sara: Where are you guys!? I can't see you!

(A head smacks her off her feet and into a wall. The air clears and looming over her is one ravenous head)

Orochi: Your maiden heart is mine!

Sara: EEEEEEEEE—wait, you think I'm a maiden? That's so sweet of you!

Bruce Campbell: Yo! He-b***h! (We see Bruce off to the side loading a shotgun) How bout a little lead before dessert?

(Orochi looks over with a roar, and that's when Bruce fires eight trickster shots that disorient all the heads)

Sara: My hero .

Bruce Campbell: A pleasure, babe. Be on the lookout for future cameos.

(Leaps away. Sara recovers and runs off to rejoin the others who are now grouped on one edge of the arena)

Sara: I'm lucky the Surgeon General was able to save me, Will.

Will: If I could see I would've come running. Also, who?

Jo: This guy is tough as five-year-old fruit cake. No way he's gonna go down at this rate.

Gray: We should get out of here and re-strategize.

Sylvia: But we can't leave Sentina up there!

(Suddenly Sam Jackson steps forward as The Octopus from "The Spirit)

Sam Jackson: Eight heads, huh? Heh heh, well here's _my eight!_

(He whips out two four-barreled pistols and unloads into the lead Orochi head)

Orochi: Charred wretch! I will tear you to shreds!

(Sam leaps aside from the striking head, continuing to fire ludicrous amounts of bullets into the armored beast. Two heads come in and nab his guns, but he just pulls out two more and fires into the next two attacking heads. One head strikes into the ground at his feet, but he hops up as it collides, allowing him to casually walk up the neck without stopping his barrage. The bullets run out, so he busts out four double-barreled shotguns which he juggles and fires at the attacking heads. When the shells run out four heads strike, but for each one Sam slams an empty gun into their gaping maws, forcing them stuck open. A fifth head tries snapping from behind but Sam pulls out a cat'o eight tails and whips it back. Then a sixth head comes up and tries to bite him from above but misses, and a moment later Sam pops up from behind and slams a porcelain toilet on its dome)

Cope: That movie was _such_ hot garbage!

Lann: Eh, it's enjoyable as a dumb guilty pleasure. And also if you didn't read the source material.

Sylvia: That seemed more effective than the bullets.

(The lead head with the fire helmet rises up and charges fire in its mouth. As it does so, Sam whips out a bandolier with eight grenades on it, which he tosses forward as Orochi lets out a fireball. The two collide and a great smoky blast fills the air, through which Sam flies through and lands on the garden of the shrine next to Sentina)

Sam Jackson: Come on, girl. We're spiriting up out of here.

(Suddenly the jaws of an Orochi head clamps sideways onto Sam and pulls him away. The head waggles about madly before releasing the celeb with great force down at the ground. With a groaning effort he extricates himself from his personal crater as the others hurry to him, back in his usual clothes)

Sara: Sam! Are you alright?

Sam Jackson: Ugh… Why am I eating dirt?

Sally: You were so awesome the way you walked all over that loser!

Sam Jackson: I was? (Smug smile) Well, naturally. Uh, mind telling me what was your favorite part?

(At that instant the orange helmet head breathes a wall of flame)

Lann: Wind Forge!

(A great breeze comes and disperses the flames. The heads continue their assault of bites and sweeps along with rock, water and poison attacks. After a time)

Squishy: It's hopeless! We can't put a scratch in him!

Lann: Of course we can't: he's set up to be so! He's got an impenetrable barrier all over his body, and the only way to bring it down is to get him drunk.

Anna: Drunk?! What sort of weakness is that?

Lann: A realistic one, I don't know! But we need something strong and ample, and I only have enough just for me.

Jo: Like ten gallons?

(Squishy is seen looking around before his eyes light up)

Squishy: I have an idea!

(He rushes over to Sam Jackson and rummages in his jacket)

Sam Jackson: Hey! The f*** are you—?

(Squishy pulls out eight bottles of Kraken Rum triumphantly, then twists and flings them upward. They sail in an arch and separate, each one falling toward an individual snake head. The heads take the bottles in their mouths at once and chug, and after emptying and spitting them out

they suddenly turn a sickly purple and begin swaying)

Orochi: Ohhh what now gruh… I'm seeing stars and hey this air is spinning wheeee it's all fun hee hee hee (hic) hee hee (hic) hee hee hee (hic). Ah man I'm, I'm droppin' out, muuuuuuuuaahhh.

(Orochi drops like a rock and hits the ground hard with a great rumble and all his heads follow suit, eyes rolling and stars circling their heads. There is complete silence afterwards)

Lann: Huh. Guess that stuff's on par with divine sake.

Will: Never would have guessed.

Sam Jackson: Didn't know I had that stuff on me. But why'd you go and waste it without asking me first?

Squishy: Consider it payback for throwing me like a football earlier.

Gray: Smart thinking, little guy. Now for the rescue!

(In a single bound he leaps up to the settled shrine next to Sentina)

Gray: Okay Sentina, time to get you out of here.

(Turning to the orange hat head of Orochi, we see a giant seltzer tablet appear and get popped into its mouth. After swallowing it, the head's eyes focus and it growls with a bit of foam. There is a steady rumble that catches Gray's attention, until the entire shrine erupts in flames and launches him off)

Gray: AIIIIIIEEEEEEE!

(He bounces along the ground in a silly fashion patting his rear. As he's doing that, the whole of Orochi regains its former luster and rises back up into the air, with the heads looking active and fierce as the flames serve to surround shrine, keeping Sentina totally confined)

Orochi: You all got too close that time! I have no choice but to release ALL My Power!

(He begins shaking violently while growling. The heroes look on unsure of what to expect. Then it happens: With one great roar the heads wave around wildly and the sides of the shrine mound rupture, bearing fissures from which MORE heads sprout out! Over a dozen deformed appendages snake their way into the light and writhe and screech as though in sheer agony. Among these heads are some familiar draconic faces: Zombie Dragon, Earth Wyrm, dragonmare, Wind Dragon, Robo Dragon, and even Magma Dragoon. The heroes stand watching this with profound horror and disgust)

Cope: (Quivering) What… the F**king… F***?!

Sam Jackson: Same feel, pal...

Orochi: Behold the breadth of your sins! Among the dragons I have absorbed I have included all those that you have slain during your time here! This is just a glimpse of what my final outcome entails. Once I've completed my campaign, the face of every dragon will bear the name Orochi!

Gray: Oh god….. (Falls to knees) I never thought it'd happen. I thought there would be no consequences. But now everything I've killed has come back to exact revenge. Oh What Have I Done?!

Orochi: That's it, grovel! Grovel before your terrible new ruler, and accept your deaths!

(He rises higher up and loads of heads shoot out to face the heroes. Everyone is stuck fighting one or two heads, and every time they slice a head another takes its place)

Lann: D***it! He's got hydra powers now!

Rick: You mean there's going to be no end to these things?

Jo: Focus on defense until we work something out! No sense getting ourselves swamped!

(The eight main Orochi heads look on and chuckle at the heroes' situation, then they all turn and look at the shrine. The flame barrier lowers, revealing a scared Sentina)

Orochi: Now Pure Blood, your end is finally at hand. With your sacrifice, I can finally begin the Great Cleansing and claim my Supreme Rule!

(The heads open wide and go for Sentina, who is rigid with fear)

?: Hold it right there, Foul Beast!

(The heads stop)

Orochi: Eh?

(The heads look around. Directly across from them, standing on the ledge overlooking the arena, there stands a very serious-looking… Stan?)

Group: STAN?!

Sentina: Stan! You're okay!

(To "True Susano-o" from Okami, the Jaa-Ruuk stands in a hardened stance with a determined, fearless look. Wrapped around his forehead is the bandana worn by kamikaze pilots. Which is rather fitting, considering how suicidal he is announcing himself like this)

Orochi: Ah, the impetuous whelp returns. Looking to take another flight, or to become a snack?

Stan: I didn't come back to make small talk, fiend. I came to see you vanquished!

Orochi: Still wanting to uphold your duties of protecting the weak, eh boy?

Stan: Not just my duties as a Jedi. My soul is aflame, and its heat drives me to punish all those who wish to hurt those I care for. And you're wanting to turn the one whom I care most for into a tool for galactic conquest. That is unforgivable, and I will see to it that you're thwarted and Sentina remains safe, even if I have to die in the process!

Sentina: What?

Sally: Stan you're alive!

Rick: Told you.

Will: Uh, Stan, it's good seeing you alright and all, but maybe you'd want to come down here and better your chances?

Anna: Yeah kid! Look at all those squirmy heads!

Stan: It matters not how many heads or how many sets of razor-sharp teeth I must face. My perseverance and determination will break through any defense he can muster, and my claws shall extinguish his malignant life. And with courage and confidence fueling my every move, I can surmount evil in whatever number and form it takes!

Squishy: Son…

Sylvia: (Realizing) Oh. Oh my… It's just like...

Cope: Where'd all this come from anyway? You alright?

Orochi: So, the whelp rises to become the presumptuous knight. An interesting turn, but one I've seen before. Your lowly self cannot possibly match my full strength.

(Brings up all heads to bare)

Stan: That's okay; I wasn't just going to rely on words, anyway. Ready yourself, Serpent!

(Stan leaps and flips from the ledge toward the arena floor below. Upon hitting dirt he flips to avoid a head strike and dashes to pass other strikes. He leaps into the air and starts slashing at heads and leaping off necks, deflecting bites with his claws and keeping airborne. Stan delivers a surprising display of speed and fisticuffs to the group's amazement)

Lann: Huh. He's actually pretty good.

Jo: He sorta reminds me of you, Rick.

Rick: Hmph.

Squishy: Jedi acrobatics going hand-in-hand with natural Ssi-Ruuk speed. Always knew he had it in him, just like his brother and sister.

Gray: He fights for a personal cause. His eyes speak as much, and boy are they blazing bright.

Sylvia: Hmhmhm, it really is like how you were, Squishy.

Sally: Come on, Stan! You can do it!

(Stan continues to elude the many jaws, which frustrate Orochi to attack harder and harder and more ruthlessly. At some point the heads manage to wear down Stan a bit and send him falling back to earth. Once on terra firma all the heads commence a combined strike that leaves Stan dodging and sidestepping and growing more tired. Eventually Stan makes it out onto a clear spot, only to have a discolored Mecha-Saladramon head come down on him. Stan reflexively grabs both jaws of the head and holds the threatening teeth over him. However, Stan struggles to hold it back as it applies even more pressure, pressing the Jaa-Ruuk harder into the ground. Stan drops his head in trying to gather more strength, the strain visible on his face)

Sylvia: Stanley!

Gray: Dig in deep! You got this!

(The eight main heads lower and look at the weakening Stan, smirking and chuckling with cruel amusement)

Orochi: A valiant display. I will admit, young knight, you are quite swift. But, I am beyond speed. I am beyond strength. For I am the darkness that devours the sun and moon. The Lunarians with all their advanced technologies were swallowed by the miasma I produced, and even the ones who fled couldn't escape for long. My essence will seep into every inch of your galaxy; no maiden, no innocent will be safe. (Tilts head) Does that make you tremble? The realization that you can never hope to overpower me and save your friends. You should give in, surrender yourself to my maw and spare yourself the despair of disappointing them… of failing your precious love.

(Stan's eyes widen and flare red)

Orochi: What a failure that will be, indeed. And it will be most palpable right before I bite off her pretty head before your quivering, weak, helpless eyes.

(Suddenly a surge of rage and strength rushes to Stan's every limb, and with tremendous force he straightens his arms out completely, widening Mecha-Saladramon's jaws to the point of snapping and ripping apart. Once free, Stan leaps high across the arena and lands back onto the ledge he previously stood on. He looks down at Orochi shaking with fury, much to the monster's surprise and curiosity)

Stan: You shall do no such thing to anyone! And especially not _to her_! Vile Serpent, your ambitions end NOW! And it's gonna hurt like a mother!

(He closes his eyes, sticks his arms out, takes some deep breaths, and begins humming as he moves them around in a tranquil manner. As he does this, a vibrant green aura rises around him, intensifying in brilliance as he attains his center. As it does so, transparent feathery wings of energy sprout up near his back. Once he is 100% focused and at one with both his desires and his body, he snaps his eyes open)

Stan: Susano-Style: Stan Remix!

(He strikes a pose and both his claws gain a brilliant gleam, then leaps at the monstrosity as "The Seventh Seal" from Okami plays, rending his claws at every head he comes across and scoring a gory decapitation with every swipe)

Stan: I, (Chops head) Really, (Chops head), Don't, (Chops head) Approve, (Chops head) Your, (Chops head) Malignant, (Another head) Nature, (Another) Nor, (Another) Your, (Another) Dark, (Another) Machinations, (Another) Whatsoever, (Two heads) And, (Another) Furthermore, (Three heads) I Condemn, (Four heads) Your Intentions, (Three heads) Of Hurting, (Five heads) My Friends, (Seven heads) And Loved Ones!

(A few dozen heads go flying off. Stan returns to the cliff as we see a great mass of necks go limp. The lone orange hat Orochi head looks around himself, fretting in disbelief)

Orochi: What?! This Again?!

(All eyes turn to Stan)

Stan: Susano-Style: Banishing Claw!

(He pulls back his right arm, and the claws on it glow in a sheet of white energy)

Orochi: What… What….. _What Is This?!_

Stan: Make your peace, Orochi: It's OVER!

(He leaps up high into the air in an arch yelling. Midway through his flight he descends toward the flabbergasted beast with his right arm still held back. In that instant his claws expand and fuse into a single claw five times his size and resembling a great blinding white sickle. Everyone looks on with awe, surprise and anticipation except for Orochi, who now has the look of utmost fear and defeat. In a single slash Stan brings the claw through Orochi, and all becomes still. Only the wind ruins the silence of the moment)

Orochi: Done in… by another… hot-blooded romantic…. What a crock.

(His head and body split into three diagonal slices. Then suddenly the mythical beast explodes into bursts of red fluid, which erupt into showers of cherry blossoms to the sound of "Seven Spirited Lives" from Okami. Hundreds of flowers erupt from where the main body used to hang in the air, and the blossoms accompany Stan as he lands back on solid ground within a newly-risen meadow, his aura and ephemeral wings dispersing. After a moment he holds out his arms, and Sentina falls into them gently)

Sentina: (After getting her bearings) I'm, I'm alright. And that thing is… (Looks over Stan) Oh, hi there. You took him out all on your own. That's just incredible, Stan!

Stan: I wasn't going to let him hurt you again, Sentina. I'd do anything to ensure your safety, whether that's fighting a large serpent or even blowing up a sun. I'd even let my tail get chopped off if it meant you could continue singing and living in happiness.

Sentina: Uhhhh, heheh. That's awfully flattering for you to say, Stan, but also kinda weird. Are you okay?

Stan: I'm about to be, because I have something to confess: Something I've come to accept and is making me feel higher than any eagle or dragon on this planet. Sentina… I love you.

Sentina: !

Group: !

Audience: !

FCC: -_-,

Yiffer: :')

Sentina: (Blushing) Did, did you just say..?

Stan: When I first laid eyes on you and heard you sing the other day I felt the calmest I had ever felt in my life, and afterwards I couldn't get you out of my head, even when we were in the midst of combat. I wondered exactly what sort of person is this who can sing so well and look so beautiful, and then fate or misfortune or whatever brought us to you in your time of need and I could finally understand who this person was. In our conversation, I could tell you were someone much like myself: wanting to get out, be free, enjoy life, kept down by something up to that point. For me it's my own self-doubt and insecurities, and being around you makes them go away. When you let me touch your scales… I knew shortly after that I wanted to be with you more. For the rest of my life.

That's how you make me feel, Sentina: I want to know you more, protect you, and love you endlessly. And surely… you feel the same towards me.

(Silence as Sentina takes all that in)

Sam Jackson: Whoooa, she honestly let him get to second base?

Jo: I didn't think he had it in him. Huhhh...

Will: Incredibly sudden is what I have to say.

Sara: It's called love at first sight, Will.

Lann: And it couldn't have been with a finer lady. Right on, Stan-me-boy.

Sally: Oh My God is this really happening? Oooh I'm so jealous but I'm also happy he's got himself a girlfriend eeeeeee he's growing up!

Rick: It's not _that_ big a deal, Sal.

Gray: You the man, Stan! Bag that maiden!

Group: SSSSHHH!

Gray: Whaaat?

Sentina: Ummmmm, well uhhhh… Are you being serious right now?

Stan: Huh?

Sentina: I was just nearly eaten by a multi-headed monster serpent, and you find this the right time to confess your feelings to me? I appreciate you for saving me, but I'm still pretty shaken up by all that's happened and I would really like to take a bath. Besides, we've only known each other for less than a day and you want to spend the rest of your life with me? Again, weirdly flattering but… that's just too much.

Stan: You're, you're saying that…?

Sentina: I'm not sharing those same feelings of yours?

(Prolonged silence. Inside Stan's head, a synapse snaps)

Stan: WHAAAAAAAAAAAT…

(He holds a shocked look with his jaws slack and his eye twitching as he stares blankly up at the sky. A big fat L takes the place of the dot on his bandanna)

**ÜBER**

**REJECTION!**

**GRAND**

**HUMILIATION!**

Sentina: Aaaand now I just made things more awkward. Whoops. (Sees the looks of everyone who witnessed the utter destruction of a young man's heart) I should probably go. (Gingerly extricates herself from Stan's arms and back onto feet) Thank you all for saving me, again. Umm….. Take care!

(Runs away. Stan is left standing stock still, his brain rigid with dejection and embarrassment)

Will: Yeowch.

Sara: Poor Stan.

Rick: Not feeling as bad for him, but still… yeah, that's rough.

Sally: It really truly is.

(Sam Jackson walks up to Stan and places a comforting hand on his shoulder)

Sam Jackson: All I gotta say is… D**n. Just straight… unnh! But, you're still young. You'll bounce back, and it'll build up that character of yours. Just remember, as Mr. Big put it: A broken heart can't be that bad.

(Pats him and leaves. Stan's bandanna peels off and floats lazily to the ground as his higher brain functions come back online and immediately comes to grips with what has happened)

Stan: I… I said all that, right to her. What, what was I… What was I thinking? (Groans and grabs head) I frickin' blewwwww it…

Lann: Yeah, I know this all too well. Doesn't look pretty now, but you let it fester and it's just gonna get a whole lot messier for everyone involved. Have to console this one in the bud, pronto.

(Squishy steps forward with Sylvia following)

Squishy: Stanley? Son, it's… it's, uh, going to be okay. You, uh, did a spectacular job killing that guy. All by yourself! (Gets a look from Sylvia) I'm sorry. I just… can't imagine what you're feeling right now. And I apologize for not having something to say.

Will: (Whispers) He's never had a heartbreak?

Jo: (Whispers) He's only had the one girl.

Will: (Whispers) Ohhhh.

Sylvia: Stanley, I know you're feeling absolutely terrible, and humiliated. But that's natural. You see, before I met your father, or even left the Unknown Regions, there was this one warrior whom I—

Gray: Hey guys! There's still meat in these scales, fully cooked! It's a freakin' smorgasbord I tells ya!

Cope: Hot Diggedy Dang that's the best thing I heard all day!

Anna: Savory Spoils!

Sam Jackson: Ah H**l yeah make some room!

Squishy: What was that about a warrior?

Jo: Ready your forks and fluctuate that stomach acid: It's Chow Time!

Most of the Group: Yahoo!

(They leap at the food, abandoning Stan to his pain and despair, and Squishy to a new burning set of questions for his wife)

* * *

_Thus the heroes feasted upon the once-mighty Orochi in celebration of their victory. The divine meat rejuvenated the group and put them in high spirits, resulting in hours of leisurely chit-chat, jokes, and merriment galore. Indeed, everyone was having a truly good time… save for one._

_ Stan, bearing a fresh, heavy burden of dejection and humiliation, was unable to enjoy the festivities his family and comrades partook in. Despondent and detached from the joy everyone was experiencing, the young Jaa-Ruuk slipped off into the forest without anyone's notice. After much wandering he came to a secluded spot to finally deal with the distressing thoughts plaguing him. Or at the very least, ease his troubled heart and mind with some peace and quiet._

* * *

(Pure night. The moon hangs large in the pitch black sea of stars above. A large flat-topped cliff juts out from the forest, in perfect view of the massive lake mere miles away. Sitting on the edge of the cliff sits Stan, mopey and throwing small rocks off into the dark landscape)

Stan: (Sigh) I ought to become a hermit. Would I be too young to be one, though? Age probably doesn't matter, but where would I even go? (Siiiigh) I'm too attached to the conveniences of modern living to rough it in the wilderness. Maybe I'll just go to Lwhekk instead. It's mostly wilderness and hardly anyone there would recognize me. Bet Grandpa would like seeing me. He could probably toughen me up, too.

(There's rustling from the woods behind him, followed by Sentina in her elf form stepping out onto the cliff, carrying something. Stan is visibly surprised when he turns to look)

Sentina: Hey, Stan.

Stan: S-S-Sentina? Uhh-uhhh, what are you doing here?

Sentina: Looking for you.

Stan: Really? Why?

Sentina: Mainly for your parents. I actually went back earlier to talk to you and found that everyone had set up camp and were having a party, but nobody knew where you were. Your dad wanted to go look for you, but I offered instead. They gave me some food to give to you if I found you, and luckily I did! (Walks up to the cliff edge beside Stan) May I sit here?

Stan: Uhhh, would you really want to? I thought you wouldn't want to be around me after what I, errr…

Sentina: Well you're not spouting declarations of devotion or sacrifice so it's fine, hmhm. Can I?

Stan: S-Sure.

(Sentina takes a seat on the cliff edge to Stan's right, and upon sitting she hands over a part of Orochi's scaly shell that's chock full of cooked meat. He gives it a sniff then bites into it)

Stan: It's delicious!

Sentina: I know, isn't it? Doesn't even need seasoning. Your parents were kind to offer me some too. Oh! And they wanted me to bring you this, as well.

(She holds out a metal cylinder, which Stan discerns in further surprise to be his lightsaber. He takes it and looks it over, finding no cracks or signs of breakage)

Stan: Wow, I honestly forgot about this. (Puts it away) Thank you, for bringing this. And the food.

Sentina: No problem. It's the very least I could do after you saved me.

Stan: Uh yeah! Of course, heh heh.

(The two settle on eating their respective meaty snacks in awkward silence, until after a few bites)

Stan: You said you had come back to speak to me.

Sentina: Yeah. I wanted to discuss… what had happened earlier. In private. And it's plenty private here.

Stan: Sure is. (Hangs head) I'm sorry for weirding you out.

Sentina: What possessed you to say all that to me? Just curious.

Stan: (Shrug) I dunno. Riding high on the moment? Because I thought it would make me look cool?

Sentina: Taking down a nigh-invincible dragon-eating monster wasn't cool enough?

Stan: Gaaahh I know I know. I had felt that more needed to be said despite all that. Like, it needed to be this big grand gesture. Probably has something to do with my parents.

Sentina: How's that?

Stan: Right before my mom and dad got married, mom had been kidnapped and dad went to save her. She had been brainwashed to fight him, but he saved her by singing this amazing song that snapped her out of it.

Sentina: Sounds like something from a fairy tale.

Stan: That's how it was told to me and my siblings back when we were kids. And get this: a few years ago, dad wound up getting kidnapped and brainwashed instead, and mom did all the singing to save him. Uh, with us providing backing instrumental.

Sentina: Wow. That's quite the family you have.

Stan: Totally. So back there, when I saw you being held prisoner, the kind of creature that was endangering you… I thought that would be my big fairy tale moment. Rising up, beating the odds and living happily ever after.

Sentina: With me as the prize?

Stan: (Siiiigh) I don't think of you as a prize to win. You're just so… beautiful, and kind, and I feel wonderful just being around you. I suppose I was just trying to let you know all that while also… wooing you with a lot of dramatic talk.

Sentina: (Giggles) I get that, though you really went overboard with the wooing part.

Stan: I know…

Sentina: (Puts hand on Stan's shoulder) You have to understand. Where I come from it's super dangerous just going outside: mercenaries, junkies, all sorts of nasty types that would attack anyone for just about any reason. That's why my mother kept me indoors much of my life, for my protection. And also because of her position, but I don't want to get into that. Because of that, I never had any actual friends, and especially not a boyfriend. "Far too young for that", mom would tell me. But I'm twenty-six, which is a respectable age for humans and meta-humans alike. Heck, even sixteen is adult enough from the things I read.

Stan: You're twenty-six?

Sentina: Yeah. Don't look anything like it, huh?

Stan: Well, I would've guessed just a few years younger than that.

Sentina: That so? Then what about you: what's your age?

Stan: Eleven.

Sentina:..._**What.**_

Stan: (Panicking) I know that sounds weird but I'm a full-grown adult, honest! At least, by Ssi-Ruuk standards. Me and my siblings matured faster thanks to our mixed biology, although no one exactly knows why or how (apart from magic). We don't bring it up on account of how uncomfortable it'd make people.

Sentina: Yet you still told me.

Stan: Thought it would be fair since you were honest about your age. You were, right?

Sentina: I was. (Sigh) This place is way too weird.

Stan: You don't know the half of it.

Sentina: Getting back to what I was saying, you just cannot expect me to jump into a relationship right on the spot, much less a lifelong bond.

Stan: I know. Barely know each other for a day, I come off as off-putting and creepy.

Sentina: Well… maybe not that far. You really are sweet, and I have to say, you're nice-looking for a dinosaur. And your big declaration aside, I also feel comfortable being around you. Probably because I never hang out with anyone besides the servants, but I really enjoy talking with you, even now. It's refreshing, like I can truly relax while being with another person. Plus, how could I not feel grateful for you coming to my rescue?

Stan: Heheheheh. Just, part of the job of being a Jedi.

Sentina: But having said all of that, those things only want me to just hang out with you. Walk around, go some place to eat. Get to know each other more. Like what we're doing now. I mean, I'm not even a novice when it comes to hanging out or dating, but even I know these kinds of things need to build gradually.

Stan: (Huff) Yeah. I tried blundering to the end. Even my parents had been dating up until that whole kidnapping-rescue moment.

Sentina: See? Not everything plays out like a storybook. It takes time.

Stan: Uh-huh. (Looking to Sentina) Soooo, you want to go out on a date?

Sentina: Tch, nice try. (Downs the rest of her snack in a huge bite) No. Right now I just want to be alone, clear my thoughts, mentally recover from almost being made into some gross monster's dinner. I figured I'd come find you first and patch things up, clear the air between us so to speak before doing that.

Stan: Oh, I see. That's very nice of you.

Sentina: However, I'm all up for going to a coffee shop once you and your friends finish your mission here. It'd be fascinating seeing this weird big galaxy of yours, plus you totally need to help me find my way back home if you don't find a portal or something here.

Stan: Ah right. Certainly, we'll help you out. Both as a Jedi and a gentlemen, it would be a pleasure.

Sentina: Real charming, sir knight. Until then… (Holds out hand) Would you be fine just being friends?

Stan: (Stares at hand, then up at Sentina) Sure. Friends would be swell.

(He takes her hand and they shake on it for a few seconds)

Sentina: Actually, a step above. (Leans forward and hugs him) Good friends.

(Stan holds still, then reciprocates the hug, enjoying the comforting feel of Sentina's elvin body. All too soon she breaks away and stands up, patting her clothes of dirt)

Sentina: Okay, I'm long overdue for a calming dip and that lake is looking very enticing. Are you going to be okay?

Stan: Yeah, definitely. It's time I headed back before my folks worry further about me.

(In an instant Sentina morphs and assumes her bulky dragon form, flexing her wings while keeping perched on most of the cliff's surface)

Sentina: Want me to give you a ride?

Stan: No, no thank you. You've done plenty for me, and I wouldn't want to hold you up any longer from the relaxation and thought-clearing.

Sentina: It wouldn't be a bother, but alright, suit yourself. (Makes to leap off) Hey, Stan?

Stan: Yeah?

(Suddenly Sentina's large horned head comes down to rub a cheek against the side of Stan's face. When she pulls back, he's awestruck)

Sentina: A good-luck nuzzle. Another little trick to help you out.

Stan: Gee, that's… Thank you, Sentina. For all this. And for, uh, giving me a chance. For another time.

Sentina: Of course. You give your parents and everyone else my regards. And watch out for yourself, hero.

Stan: Y-Yeah, I will. Same to you.

Sentina: Good night, Stan.

Stan: Good night.

(With a final parting nod, Sentina looks to the night sky and takes off with a great flap of her wings. Stan watches as she soars smaller and smaller in the direction of the moonlit lake)

Stan: Just watching you go, makes me feel light and heavy at the same time. Probably should have said something more. (He rubs his cheek and smiles) Nah, it's fine as is. Just have to wait until next time.

* * *

_The talk shared that night rejuvenated Stan's tempestuous mind and self-confidence. Motivated by Sentina's gentle words, he returned to the camp where his family and friends were busy sleeping off the evening's banquet. Much like the previous night, he experienced one of the soundest slumbers in his whole life, feeling both content and brimming with eagerness to complete the mission and get everyone to help the wayward Sentina find her way back home. No matter how long it took, he happily added before all conscious thought ceased._

_ In the morn, the Jedi and allies awoke surprised to find Stan both returned and acting as his usual easy-going self. In brief he explained how Sentina had found him and made conversation with him, and passed along her wishes of well-being to everyone. Sally was giddy at seeing her brother having made up with the dragoness, and Squishy and Sylvia were happy to see that their son had taken the first tentative steps into romance with barely a scratch._

_After a hearty breakfast of leftovers, the group immediately set out for the last leg of their journey. This proved long and uneventful, as hours of mundane walking went by as they transitioned from forest to mountain trails. The sun was on the verge of setting, alighting the mountainsides in deep orange, when the Jedi had finally reached the mountaintop. And there, on their sixth day on Draconia, they at long last beheld their final destination. Their primary target._

* * *

_ Thus we've come to the end of the adventure. New friends and foes have come and gone, along with a great deal of dragons. There were many powerful ones, many unforgettable ones, and some that even rivaled the very strength of the Gods. However, only the final battles await our heroes. Will they succeed in their mission? Will everyone find whatever it is they're looking for? At this point, all they can do is move forward with one last charge, and take the last challenges head-on as true champions. Victory, death, and revelation await._

**End of**

**Adventure**


	21. Episode 2 Finale

**THE FINAL**

**SUNSET**

(The heroic crew are busy trudging up an uneven trail that's cut through jagged rocks. They soon exit and come out onto an opening amid the formations)

Gray: Whoa…

Will: There it is: Our target destination.

(Dramatic music plays as we behold a great misshapen tower not too far from where everyone is standing. It bears a jagged draconic design with turrets of all kinds sticking out at various angles. At the base around the tower is a mist-filled abyss with a path of rock platforms going from an entrance at the bottom of the tower all the way to the edge of a vast crater)

Sally: If that doesn't scream final dungeon, I don't what will.

Lann: Perhaps that?

(Points upward. Around the top of the tower we see dragons steadily coming out of it and flying into the sky)

Cope: Cor blimey, there's dragons coming out of that place! Huh, guess Will was leading us the right way all along.

Will: My sense of direction has never failed me… well, except for this one time—

Anna: There's no time for amendments; let's just finish this already!

Jo: Yeah, this whole thing has been going on for too d**n long as is. Now hands in the middle.

(Everyone gathers and put their hands together)

Jo: Ready? One, two, three,

Group: Goooooo Steelers!

Jo: Move out!

(They walk for the tower)

Squishy: Ain't it kind of odd that we haven't faced any dragons so far today?

Sam Jackson: Guess the a**-whooping Stan gave to that Orochi b***h was felt by everything else, and ain't NO ONE wants to face off with that.

Stan: Ehhh, heheh, don't expect an encore. I'm a little short on hype.

Rick: Or arousal.

Sally: Heeheehee.

Squishy: Just doesn't feel right, things working out so smoothly right here at the end. I'd feel a little better if something nasty and significantly large would just pop out and attack us.

Sylvia: Please don't jinx us, Squishy. At least suggest something small and not-so-nasty.

Sara: Ooh! You know what be really neat? If a friendly unicorn came out to fight us but really didn't want to, so instead we'd all—

_**GALBATORIIIIIIX!**_

Will: That doesn't sound like a unicorn.

Cope: I blame you, Squishy!

Squishy: Whaaaat?

(Screaming in at high speed through the air comes a great muscular creature. When it reaches the group it turns up to stop, creating a whirlwind that buffets the group with strong gusts. The thing flapping before them is a great black dragon of onyx sheen with a ravaged, deranged face, along with horns, scary eyes and a whoppin' big tail, shaking in midair as though raring to explode)

Lann: Whoa, mama.

_Are you in league with Galbatorix?_

Jo: Galba-what? Galbadia? Gabbledygook?

Cope: Maybe if you spoke a little softer we could hear you better. Screaming is just going to liquefy gray matter.

_The peons of Galbatorix must __**DIE**__!_

(He unleashes a massive burst of black fire that sends everyone running for cover behind a large boulder)

_RAAAAA! Galbatorix, you traitorous cur! I will find you and devour your murderous heart! You shall pay, Dragon Killer!_

(The dragon flies off in a fury giving off more flame bursts. Behind the rock)

Stan: That thing is freakin' psycho!

Lann: Of course he is, given all that he's been through.

Group: Huh?

Lann: That dragon is Shruikan. He comes from the Eragon universe, same as Saphira. He's the mount of Galbatorix: Deranged Ruler Extraordinaire.

Rick: If that dragon's his ride then why does it want to eat his heart?

Lann: That's the thing: Shruikan was put into royal service against his will. Strong magic kept him obedient while leaving him conscious of his actions. As I don't see Galbatorix on his back, I can assume he's free of his enslavement spells and is rampaging out years of righteous anger and anguish in a whirlwind of s**t fire. And quite frankly, I'd be just as pissed if I'd been in his claws.

(Shruikan unleashes another fire burst that hits the rock)

Gray: That Shruikan fella seems deadset on thinking we work for this Galbatorix dude. We're not getting through unless we take him out.

Lann: Didn't you hear what I just said? The poor guy finally gets his freedom and you want to kill him when he's barely had a chance to breathe?

Anna: Well his breathing is pinning us down behind this stupid rock, so what do you propose we do? Wait for him to tire out and fly on down to Hell to relax, since by then it's a flippin' winter paradise?

Lann: No. A non-lethal approach. Specifically, I'm gonna try talking Shruikan out of his rage. He may be a category five s***storm right now, but there's still some of that deep dragon reasoning buried in there.

Cope: Do you plan on talking to him while you're being roasted or while you're being digested?

Lann: Thanks again for your vote of confidence, Alex. Although you make a fair point: plain talking won't cut it in that state. The only thing he'll acknowledge is force, so I'm gonna have to get out there and knock some sense into him. It'll take a while to calm him down, so that will be your chance to make a break for the tower. Shruikan will be too distracted by me to stop you.

Sara: But that dragon is so ferocious! You can't risk yourself trying to stop it alone!

Lann: I know the most about him, so I'm the most qualified to face him. Besides, whatever's in that tower, you're gonna need all the manpower possible, so no help will be needed.

Sam Jackson: Lann, no offense, but that is some stupid-a** macho noble sacrifice bulls***.

Lann: Certainly seems that way, but it's in keeping with my persona code as a Dragon Scholar: to preserve all forms of dragons, via documentation or conservation. Speaking of, there's one thing you guys can do for me. (Holds out a datapad) This here's the datapad I've been keeping all my notes and observations about this place on. In case I don't make it, bring this to the scientific community. I mean, the heads of every field. And when they've read it, tell them this: Boo-yah!

(Will takes the pad and pockets it)

Jo: While you've been quite the annoyance to me, we won't deny a man's last request. Consider it done.

Sally: (Teary eyed) Oh Lann… You're selling yourself short. You can handle that big angry lizard no problem.

Lann: I appreciate that, Sal. As for the rest of you, it's been an über experience I'll never forget. It's been an honor serving under you Jedi, as well as hanging out. Gray, Sammy-boy, I'm glad I got to make your acquaintances. You're two cool dudes, you definitely SJ. I simply ask you remember me in kind.

Gray: Sure thing, pal.

Sam Jackson: Oh just get on with your fat-a**. The more you talk the more likely you're gonna get killed.

Sylvia: Good luck, Lann.

Squishy: (Teary eyed and waving) Godspeed.

Lann: Thanks, all of you. Now, if you'll excuse me, (Smiles and winks) I got a dragon to tame.

(Draws his sword and leaps over the rock. He dashes across the barren field until he stops before the voracious Shruikan)

_Hrrrrh, a knight of the Great Deceiver Galbatorix presents himself!_

Lann: I do not serve under Galbatorix, and neither do my comrades! Galbatorix isn't even here, so there's no need for the rampage.

_Bah! As though I'm going to believe a lumpy excuse for a foot soldier. You are a bulbous, hairy liar!_

Lann: (To self) I just can't get away from the fat jabs. (Aloud) I appreciate you for noticing my luscious head of hair.

_Do not make jest of me! I will incinerate you, your allies, and the rest of your wretched army until Galbatorix is mine!_

Lann: You are having a tantrum and need to chill out big time! And good thing you put me first on that list of yours, because you're gonna go no further than that.

Sally: Even at Death's Door he's so smooth.

(All the girls swoon)

_As if you can pose any significant challenge to me, the Unforgiving Shruikan!_

Lann: You'd be pretty surprised how challenging I can be. Observe, as I make the first blow!

(In an instant he leaps at the dragon and smacks his scaly head with the blunt side of his sword, dazing him slightly as Lann touches back down onto the ground with a suave stance)

Lann: See? I'm pretty quick.

_WRETCH! I will make you pay for the crimes your "king" has committed!_

Lann: Then deal judgment already ya lummox! Words don't do squat in my book.

(Shruikan lets out a furious roar and launches at Lann, only to slam into empty ground. Recovering, he spots the warrior scholar nearby and goes after him. Lann leaps back, leading Shruikan away from the others as he dodges fire breaths and claw swipes. When Shruikan gets up close and personal Lann knocks him back with a wind burst in order to leap up high and take the fight to the air. The two switch between land and aerial combat, pushing and clawing and deflecting in a flashy ballet)

Lann: Come on! I know you got more in ya! Get it all out!

(Soon the combatants are a good distance from the hidey rock)

Jo: Now's our chance.

Cope: Let's move!

(They all run from cover and head for the crater. Sara, however, takes a moment to stop and shake her head)

Sara: Best of luck, Lann.

(She rejoins the other runners)

* * *

**Lann Has Left The Party.**

**Obtained Copyright of The Word "Über"**

* * *

(The group arrives at the edge of the misty abyssal crater)

Jo: We're almost there. Just a few jumps and we're in.

Sally: Platforming, yay!

(They start jumping across the round rock platforms poking out of the mist, except)

Sam Jackson: Oh come on! That's way too much distance and I ain't got your Force bulls*** to make it work.

Gray: Don't worry, I got ya. (Hefts up Sam Jackson)

Sam Jackson: Hey easy there!

(Gray gets to jumping with Sam Jackson on his shoulder. Everyone takes their time, jumping from platform to platform, steadily nearing the tower's base. Midway there, a noise is heard from below, like the beating of heavy wings. Rising from the mist flaps up a huge, grotesque dragon of putrid leathery flesh, a misshapen face and a very ancient must. Everyone stops and turns to look upon the newcomer)

Stan: Whoa!

Will: Now that's an ugly sonovab***h.

Jo: What exactly is that thing supposed to be?

Squishy: I haven't the faintest idea. Hold on, lemme check.

(Pulls out a Time Warner Cable remote and pushes Info. Before the dragon a text bar filled with words pops up)

Squishy: Wyrm, comes from Drakengard, ancient dragon of origin, capable of producing a billion offspring. Interesting… Say WHAT?!

(The Wyrm shakes and lets out a hideous screech, summoning up a dense cloud of black-winged horrors from the mist. Everyone's eyes bulge out)

Sam Jackson: Oh… S**t…..

Jo: Jump AWAY!

Sam Jackson: Hop faster, hop faster Gray!

Gray: Trying!

(Everyone hastily leaps across the remaining platforms as the offspring swarm flies after them. Eventually the group reaches the tower, only to be stopped by a great iron door. Will pounds on it but it doesn't budge)

Will: It's no good! This thing's too thick!

Cope: And there's no time to cut it down!

Williams from Hot Shots Part Deux: Oh God! We're gonna die!

Sam Jackson: Who the f**k?

Stan: We're gonna get torn to shreds!

Sara: But we've come so close! There just has to be something that can be done!

(At that moment, the wall to their right crumbles and busting through appears a great Adonis of a man, with bulging muscles, chiseled abs, a brown afro, thick mustache, and wearing a red speedo. Soviet music plays as the man casually walks over to the door, grabs its sides and tears it off its frame without effort, tossing it aside like cardboard. The heroes are quite bewildered)

Sara: Uhhhhhhhhhh… That's convenient… but—

Anna: No time for explanations just Go!

(They all hurry inside but Sally stays behind)

Sally: Thanks Mr. Slater!

(Runs inside. The muscle man just stands there flexing and posing as the demonic horde comes at him. Meanwhile, the group runs through a great hall lined with marble columns)

Sam Jackson: What the H**l just happened? Who was that dude? And could you please put me down?

Gray: Oh, sure!

(Tosses Sam Jackson, who bounces on the ground before adjusting into an upright running stance)

Will: No clue, but be thankful he showed up.

Sally: He was pretty ripped whoever he was.

Squishy: Yeah, a real beefcake. Though probably nothing compared to that hunky warrior of yours, huh Sylvia?

Sylvia: Honestly? That was just a silly girlhood crush of mine, Squishy! He was older than me and already engaged. Besides, even then he wouldn't look nearly as good in a speedo as you do.

Squishy: Oh honey you're making me blush~.

(Jo stops and freezes, a record scratching as he registers what he just heard)

Jo: Squishy… in a speedo…

(He breaks into uncontrollable vomiting that brings him to the floor, where a puke pool quickly forms. Gray comes back to him)

Gray: Jo! This ain't time for a nap! Come on!

(He grabs one of Jo's legs and runs off at top speed while the Jedi Master continues to vomit. Soon everyone enters an enclosed spiral staircase, where Jo's chin hits every step as he keeps vomiting. After about a minute the group exits the stairs, where Gray abruptly stops, releasing Jo and sending him sliding roughly some feet away. Jo gets up and shakes himself back into composure)

Jo: Owwww my chin.

Anna: Why'd ya stop, Gray?

Gray: That stench… I've smelled it before.

Squishy: A Halo quote. That can't be good.

(They look around, noticing they are standing by the edge of a wide, high vaulted space that has the look of an arena, with a high wall topped with towering columns circling the floor. Between the columns the inky blue/black sky of early night can be seen, along with some gathering black clouds. There is an ominous, windy silence, then suddenly Gray looks up and to the side a moment before a roaring behemoth busts through some pillars and makes a powerful landing in the middle of the arena. The beast is of gargantuan proportions and magnificent appearance: A mixture of red, black and blue scales, domineering black horns, and great black and red wings that has thick claws tipping the joints. The yellow eyes of the dragon look down at the minuscule warriors before roaring again)

Gray: Ardgevald!

Jo: Who?

Gray: The King of Dragons and my greatest quarry! But, I had slain him. How can he be back—

(The great Dragon King bellows another thunderous roar)

Cope: That's one h*** of an obstacle we're gonna have to take on!

Gray: He's not just an obstacle. He's the embodiment of everything I loathe and find challenging in dragons. He hunts the innocent and spreads terror indiscriminately like a cowardly beast. Grrrrrr…. To think he escaped death, just to face me Once Again! (A flame aura erupts around him)

Anna: Whoa! Power-up effects!

Sylvia: He's gotten extra serious.

Gray: All of you, go on without me! This is my fight!

Sara: But Gray—

Gray: I have to finish it! I'm the only one that can, and he knows it! Go on and find the source of these dragons while I keep him busy! I'll catch up once I'm through!

Jo: But it's suicide, man!

Sam Jackson: Not for an accomplished Dragon Slayer, huh Gray?

Gray: D**n right, Samuel! Now Go!

Jo: Fine. You better not die on us, you hear?

Gray: Just go already!

Will: You heard the man! Let's move!

Squishy: Affirmative!

Sally: Yeah!

(They all run around the great dragon, who starts to follow them)

Gray: Hey! Eyes on me; they're not important!

(Ardgevald growls and turns to face Gray)

Gray: I'll admit, I kinda missed hunting and felling your gargantuan hide. Yours was a truly challenging fight, even with my friends helping me. And now you've come back, and this time I have you all to myself!

(Ardgevald gives off another booming roar)

Gray: I'll put you down permanently this round! Come Get Some!

(The Dragon Slayer leaps at his great scaly foe)

* * *

**Gray Has Left The Party**

* * *

(Meanwhile, the remaining heroes have made it out of the arena and are hurrying up even more stairs. They eventually step out into a great hall area where they stop to catch their breath)

Anna: Another party member gone. What's the deal?

Rick: I guess this really is the final area.

Sara: I just hope Gray's doing fine without us.

Will: I know he is. It's just like Sam said: He's a Dragon Slayer.

Jo: Let's keep moving, before something else happens.

Stan: Agreed.

(They continue onward. After a while they leave the hall and come into another large room and spot something eye-catching)

Stan: What… Is that?

(Before them, in the center of the high rectangular room, stands a large curved stone pillar full of carvings and cryptic symbols. A great bulging ball of blue energy hovers above it, brimming with electric arcs. From the humming mass entire dragons pop out, flying out of the room through one of the high-vaulted windows on either side of the room)

Jo: That… is what we've been looking for.

Anna: The source of the dragons… About frickin' time! We spent waaaaaaaay too long trying to get to this thing. I almost can't believe we're actually standing here looking at it.

Cope: Becalm your doubtful heart, my love. That is indeed our mission objective within our very literal reach.

Anna: It's… It's almost beautiful to think about. (Starts weeping tears of relief)

Sally: So, uh, how do we turn it off?

Squishy: We're going to have to think on that one, won't we guys?

Will: Yeah, or we could just smash it up.

Sylvia: Sounds way easier.

?: More! Mooore! Yes, there has to be more. The skies still bear vacancy where their magnificent forms should be. Such emptiness will never do! Never!

Group:?

(Looking down we see a cloaked figure in blue, fantasy-esque garbs waving about as though performing a spell or a summoning ritual)

Sylvia: Uh, who are you?

Person: Ey? Intruders!?

(The person whips around, revealing a mean, sinister, old-timer face with a scraggly beard and salt-and-pepper hair)

Person: Bleeeech! How is this possible? This keep is magically fortified! Are you by chance wizards of great skill?

Rick: Yeah. Real hard wizards at that.

Person: Fie! It matters not if this place has been breached; you trespassers are nothing to me. Have you any idea who you are facing at this moment? Answer!

Jo: No, but you're gonna tell us anyway, right?

Person: You scoundrels should be grateful that I permit you this audience! For you see, standing before you is none other than the all-powerful, all-knowing, Tiamat! (Thunder crack)

Group:…

Tiamat:….

Jo:….Elaborate?

Tiamat: What? You never heard of me?! How can this be! All who dwell in the realms of sorcery know my name! All of them I say!

Will: Seems gramps needs some Vicodin before he blows a gasket.

Tiamat: Wait. I know what this is. You are manifestations from a backwater reality, unenlightened and practically prehistoric in the sphere of magic. That's the only logical explanation for how you wouldn't know me. Yet, even so, that is an unacceptable excuse for so insolent an ignorance! But before I smite thee troglodites, I should educate you as to who I am and why you should feel AGONIZINGLY EMBARRASSED at having never known me.

Will: Say, is that Mock Talker in that robe? Did he get rehired or recreated or something?

Sara: Will this is serious!

Tiamat: Indeed it is, madam. Now then, I shall "elaborate" as you so bluntly put it. Uh-hum.

(Flutters cloak for effect) I, the man before you, am considered the most powerful Dragomancer in the entire universe. My hands and mind have generated a whole new genre of dragons to represent the edict of dissidence, greed, malice, bigotry, and of course, pure evil. And I and I only possess the power to summon any dragon from creation. Thus, those who cower before the shadow of every dragon has my image come to mind, for it is through fear my name is carried. Even here, in this unsightly realm, my notoriety for evilness spreads as more and more of my servants fill the air of every world here! Soon I will become the most feared being here, depriving every man, woman and child their sense of security and hope! That is my one goal and it is an unstoppable one, as in it's stoppable by no hand but my own, which will never happen until it is complete! You understand, now?

Will:…..I take back what I called Orochi. You, sir, are the fullest mo-fo we've ever met.

Tiamat: Full? You _dare_ say I'm filled with hot air? My magic is unmatched and my credentials are impeccably sound! If I had been spouting lies all my life then I wouldn't have been tasked with maintaining this Draconian Portal.

Rick: Wait, you were just given the job of running this thing?

Tiamat: Did I say otherwise, boy? Indeed, I was granted the privilege by the Master of this keep. It was he who brought me to this place, and he knew of my reputation let me tell you. Thus in recognizing my cosmic-level mastery, he placed me in charge of bringing more and more dragons into this realm. Which ultimately will be his downfall.

Sara: Huh?

Tiamat: Once the whole galaxy is stuffed with dragons I will rally them into rebellion against him. He may be strong beyond measure, but even one so mythically-endowed as him cannot hope to match the sheer might of dragons numbering in the trillions. Oh yes yes yes, he'll be minced and fried with certainty. Then I'll take my rightful place as King of the Dragoverse, with an eternity of sensuous narcissism to follow anon.

Stan: This guy is completely psychotic about himself, and it's weirding me out.

Jo: It's not just you, but don't forget he's not the main threat here. Someone else is pulling the strings, and I have a pretty good idea who it might be.

Will: So ditch the wacko and move on?

Jo: Yep. The portal dealy can wait.

(They start to leave)

Tiamat: Wait! Where do you think you're going so rudely?

Will: Sorry, but we've got a mission to carry out and you're not top priority at the moment.

Anna: Not worth the time, old top.

Jo: Maybe when we're done we'll deal with you second, k?

(Starts to leave, but a lightning bolt at his feet makes him leap back)

Tiamat: What was that?! Oh no no no no no no no NO! No ones labels _ME_ a second-tier threat! I am the most vile, villainous danger in this entire realm! I'm not some paltry prelude to a final battle: I AM the Final Battle, you hear me?!

Cope: Dude just chill out already. You really need to cut back on the yelling; we've had more than enough of those this afternoon.

Tiamat: I refuse to chill! If anything, I should chill you gutter rats with a high level Ice Spell! Your presumptuousness is insulting, on top of aggravating!

Squishy: We've been associated with those terms plenty before with villains.

Tiamat: And it worsens further! I cannot allow you despicably base persons to roam this existence! I will burn thee until not even atoms are left you moronic, under-evolved, mentally-deficient, dirt-munching, uncultured, non-kosher, infidelic—

Sam Jackson: Okay, now's the time for you to shut your geriatric mouth the f*** up.

Tiamat: Wha-Wha-Whaaat?!

Sam Jackson: All your whiny-a** b***hin' is pissing me the h*** off. And who honestly talks about how great they are at the length you're going? FYI, that's a major turn-off for the ladies. Although given how you look and act, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you're one of those miserable virgin types who think themselves too good for a man's or woman's touch. Well newsflash: you're not.

Jedi: BUUUUUUURN!

Sam Jackson: And another thing, you keep hyping yourself up as this all-powerful wizard, waving your magical bulls*** around like it's your d***, although honestly I say you're compensating big time. I'm willing to bet that without that magic of yours you're just a sad sorry old punk-a** cracka more fit to be a footstool than the most feared entity in the universe. You're certainly dressed like one.

**OHHH SNAP!**

Tiamat: (Fuming) Why I never…. You simpering coal-born rapscallion! How DARE you accuse me of being enfeebled in ANY manner, all to impress your fellow vermin! I'll have you know that I have more physical strength in one palm than you have in your entire being!

Sam Jackson: Care to prove that, you dime store Dumbledore?

Tiamat: OooooooooooooooooooHH! (Slaps face repeatedly) A challenge, then! Fisticuffs; you and I! A gentlemen's duel to the death! No magic whatsoever: Just my five fingers all up in your insolent face!

Sam Jackson: Heh, too easy. (Cracks knuckles and neck) I suppose I can go for a quick bout. Somebody has to smack ya up into something presentable, anyway.

Tiamat: Oh we'll be seeing who will receive the smacking you bald ape!

Squishy: Sam, you sure you know what you're getting into?

Sally: Looks can be deceiving.

Sam Jackson: Listen guys, when you've been around LA as long as I have, you can tell who's for real and who's a chump. (Points) And that right there, is a bona-f***ing-fide chump.

(Tiamat does some mock kung-fu in preparation)

Anna: Darn. He knows how to call them.

Sam Jackson: You go on and face the big boss; this one will be quick. I may even have time to go fetch Gray.

Jo: Alright, you give him h***.

Sara: Just don't get hurt, okay Sammy?

Sam Jackson: It's all good, girl. I'm Samuel L. Mother-F**king Jackson after all, right?

Sara: You certainly are.

Will: Good luck.

Sam Jackson: Thanks. Same goes to the rest of you. Oh, and Stan? (Pounds chest and sticks out fist) Make sure you kick more of that a**.

Stan: Sure. Uhhh, (repeats gesture) Respect.

Sam Jackosn: (Chuckles) Go on, get out of here.

(The Jedi give him a thumbs up and then make for the exit at the other end of the room. With them gone, Sam Jackson looks to his opponent)

Sam Jackson: Welp, time to do business. (Approaches Tiamat, who raises his dukes)

Tiamat: You ready to die, worm?

Sam Jackson: I'd ask you the same, but it already appears you have a foot in the grave. How convenient.

Tiamat: Mock not my age; it is a reflection of the experience and wrath that I hold and that which mortals can only dream of comprehending. And you are about to taste the full, raw blunt of it, for all who insults and therefore underestimates the tremendously terrifying Tiamat are met with agony unrelenti—(Gets b**** slapped) Did you just slap me?

Sam Jackson: As a matter of fact, I did. Good to know you still got feeling in those saggy cheeks of yours.

Tiamat: You infuriatingly daft mahogany scoundrel! Such disrespect shall not go unpunished— (Gets slapped on the other cheek)

Sam Jackson: I'm sorry, did I just break your concentration? Heh, I always wanted to say that in real life.

Tiamat: Will you stop doing that and— (Slapped on other cheek) Agh, tender!

Sam Jackson: And what, huh?

Tiamat: Quit doing that you—! (Slapped again)

Sam Jackson: How bout stop talkin' and fight me already ya wrinkled p****y.

Tiamat: RAAAAAAAAHHHH!

(Tiamat leaps at Sam Jackson, right as we cut to the Jedi hurrying along deeper into the keep. We switch back to Sam Jackson as he's holding back a flailing Tiamat who is trying to claw at him like a wet cat but his arms are too short to reach, so Sam just slams him into a pillar before smacking him to the ground. Quick cut back to the Jedi, then back to the "fight" where Tiamat is dazed on the ground, until Sam kicks him hard enough in the butt to make him stand again, at which point Sam grabs what little hair he has on his head)

Tiamat: Yaiee! Release my hair, fiend!

(Sam Jackson yanks him over to a section of shag carpeting)

Sam Jackson: As I'm feeling oh so benevolent this fine evening, Imma give you some pointers on how to treat a lady right. Starting with how to eat CARPET!

(Rams and rubs Tiamat's face into the carpet, the old wizard crying out and struggling to get away)

Tiamat: Gaah, rug burn! Pfffff!

* * *

**Samuel L. Jackson Has Biggity Bounced**

* * *

(Seeing how that situation is under control, we turn to the Jedi as they reach the entryway leading into the final room: The peak of the tower. It is a round room like the arena from before, except there's no enclosing wall and it's one quarter the size. Across from the Jedi is a large marble throne, upon which sits the albino despot that had once been the King of all Koopas: Bowser. He's mostly unchanged from the last encounter, except that his eyes are deep white blanks and his scales are a lot smoother and whiter. He sits erect and regal, arms on the rests, two great wings folded, and long tail sticking from his side and lying curled on the ground. Intense silence prevails as the two sides glare at each other, disrupted only by the crackle of thunder from the clouds outside)

Bowser: You have come at last. I knew it was a matter of time, but it's taken rather longer than I had expected from you.

Sylvia: (Serious) Bowser.

Bowser: What do you think of the kingdom that I have created? (Spreads arms) It took quite the mustering of willpower to produce such a lush, thriving land. I hope you found it pleasing.

Jo: We're not here to make small talk, Bowser. We're going to put you down a second time.

Will: By order of the Republic we are hereby shutting down your dragon immigration operations for the restoration of peace and order to the galaxy. As a precautionary step to ensure further disorder will be avoided, you are to be executed as well.

Anna: Plus with the Hell your dumb planet put us through we're gonna make it hurt even more!

Bowser: (Calmly) I understand clearly. You've undoubtedly faced many struggles, some losses, a sacrifice or two. Indeed, whatever quarrel you hold is justified. However, as to the fulfillment of your task, I'm afraid there's no guarantee to its success.

Rick: Really? What makes you so sure?

Bowser: Hmmm, other than the unimaginable power I hold within me, there is just one little detail being overlooked. You wish for no future incursions, which means removal of the individual behind this incident: Bowser, myself. However, there is one critical issue. You see, in truth… I'm not actually Bowser.

Jo: …...What?

Bowser?: Hard to believe, but this personage is a sham; a mere masquerade, hiding the true culprit responsible for this crisis. The real Bowser is hidden away, overshadowed by the will of this body's possessor, whom you are speaking to right now.

Sylvia: Then, if that's true… who are you?

Bowser?: Hmmmmm. I believe the one best suited to answer that would be... Ah yes. Squishy.

(All eyes turn to the Jawa)

Squishy: Huh? Me?

Bowser?: Come now. You should've sensed it when you stepped into this tower. That feeling of spiritual magnetism. After all, you and I had been one, if only briefly. And it was something of a… symbiotic agreement.

Squishy: (Realization strikes) No… That… How is that possible?

Bowser?: Don't deny it. I know you're feeling that inner attraction to me, because I'm experiencing the same. I'm actually rather hurt by the tone in your voice. I thought you would be ecstatic at seeing me intact, in a sense.

Jo: Squishy, what's he talkin' about?

Squishy: It's… It's unbelievable...

Sally: Dad?

Bowser?: As a matter of fact, you should all be able to recognize me on some subconscious level. You were all there for my creation… as well as my separation. Funny enough, all of you are the very reason I sit before you now.

(An image of a giant black cloaked dragon flashes before him a moment before vanishing. The other Jedi are also struck with realization)

Anna: No way.

Will: You seriously mean..?

Stan: Holy crap…..

Cope: Dear god...

Bowser?: That's right: I was Squishy's Supreme Dragon Form, Unnamed.

Squishy: But I went back to myself back then. That other body disappeared.

Unnamed: That's where you're mistaken. All you did then was separate your mind and essence; the shell still remained, though intangible.

Jedi: Huuuuh?!

Unnamed: All those years ago you left that site believing all was said and done. What you never suspected was that the creature you "bested" contained so much raw divinity that even its soulless body held a will of its own. The moment you returned to your former self, I came into being. Without a guiding intellect I was left wandering, flitting through planes of existence aimlessly, until finally deciding on recapturing that abandoned promise of glory. To do that, I needed a vessel to implant my consciousness into, which came quite easily as you can see. (Stands up and flexes arms) This… subject, was already a cripple when I came upon him. Along with several missing appendages, his mind was mostly senseless drivel centered around conquest and personal inadequacies. Upon possessing him I made his body whole, which he accepted without question. I then slowly fed him instructions on how to make him more powerful through the consumption of Dragonite, but in truth the stones were only empowering me and weakening his already shabby mental faculties. Soon the time arrived when I was at near-full strength and capable of opening a rift from which I could bring forth my lesser brethren. Their appearance proved an effective enough diversion to allow me the time to rest on this planet I created in order to steadily regenerate the last of my divinity. I have reached that point some time ago, and was simply waiting for your arrival.

Will: Godd***. Outplayed and never even knowing about it.

Unnamed: Quite so. And once I've shed this constrictive form, Squishy, you will come to regret parting ways with me!

Squishy: No! I never wanted to be a part of anything to begin with. I just wanted to go back home to my family; not be some big nasty dragon.

Unnamed: Hrmph, pitiful. You were on the cusp of absolute greatness, one small step from ultimate glory, but you abandoned it at the behest of your feeble emotions and homesickness! We could have been one of the greatest things ever conceived, yet you left me to crumble into dust. And for that alone, I can never forgive you.

You never bothered to consider what that new existence could offer. This, all of this, I had done to show you what you ran away from. The summoning of dragons, the galaxy in an uproar of fear and survival, all of it a mere taste of what could have been at your claw tips. Then again, it's probably best you lacked that foresight. Power such as this would be wasted in the hands of those lacking the ambition and drive to rule over all, and fate had decided that I am the best suited to wield it!

Sara: Uh-oh. He's getting megalomaniacal.

Squishy: Listen! I'm sorry I didn't know you were self-aware. Let's just talk this out—

Unnamed: The time for talk is over! You had your chance for domination and wasted it. Now the time has finally come to unveil my ultimate form and reap your regrets and dismay! Behold Perfection!

(The Bowser look-alike shudders as his wings grow with a sickening crunch. A screeching roar is heard as it doubles over and some round mass rises up and pulls out from the spiny shell. The mass assumes shape and texture, forming scales and claws and growing ever greater in size. In no time the mass has completely left Bowser and taken on the form of a massive pure white dragon, its size making it cramped in the room and its eyes flaring with power. The Jedi are completely awestruck at the appearance of such a marvelous, frightening wonder. At the dragon's feet, a clueless Bowser slowly stands up, rubbing his head and back to his original colors and regular limbs)

Bowser: Ah man…. What did I do last night?

(He notices the Jedi and follows their gaze up toward the dragon, which makes him leap back in fright)

Bowser: Graa-Aaaah! Where did that guy come from?! And wait, didn't I have those wings?

(The dragon lifts a great foot and hangs it over Bowser, who sighs in resignation)

Bowser: It's never my day here—

(He gets smooshed. The dragon rears back its head, roars, and then holds its gaping mouth before the Jedi. Suddenly the dragon breathes in deep and a powerful vortex fills its maw. FFVI's "Metamorphosis" plays as the Jedi immediately get sucked into the dragon's mouth, and it doesn't end there. The dragon sucks even harder, causing the tower to shake and rumble and finally collapse into its gullet. The tower is soon devoured, followed by the surrounding landscape which is also sucked in by the growing dragon. The monstrosity keeps getting more and more immense until it completely consumes the entirety of Draconia, followed by the nearby sun, moons, stars, and eventually the entire galaxy! Even when everything is gone the dragon keeps sucking, until a familiar bespectacled fellow is pulled onscreen, though he desperately clings to the screen's edge)

Cont: Wait! I'm not supposed to be in this trilogy! WAAAAAA—

(The Contractor loses his grip and gets sucked in as well. Finally, the camera loosens and is pulled in, where we get a shot of the dragon's throat before silent darkness encases it)

* * *

_Betcha didn't see that one comin', didja? Didn't think so. Heh heh heh..._

**TO BE CONTINUED?**


	22. Final Broadcast

(A dimly-lit newsroom)

Dick: Ladies and gentlemen… I am at a loss in trying to formulate some explanation as to what has just happened. It is unlike anything the galaxy has ever witnessed before. Catastrophic, certainly. I even dare say it's supernatural. Possibly a sign of the end times. Or perhaps… a time of serenity.

Hello, I'm Dick Hammalon, here at the remnants of Holo-Channel 6 presenting what may be this station's final broadcast. As mentioned before, a form of cataclysm has befallen our dear Republic. Here is the rundown of everything we do know:

Based on intelligence released by the Jedi, the planet of Draconia, the source of this week's dragon invasion, also harbored a creature of unimaginable divinity whose name hasn't been released. However, it is known for sure that this creature is the cause for the galaxy's current state, which I will now go into further detail.

Once a vast universal spectacle spanning millions of light years, our proud galaxy has been reduced to this. (Brings up picture) No longer in space, our galaxy is now within some massive pink and seemingly organic enclosure that this reporter believes to the creature's godly stomach. Every planet, every star system has been fused together into untold numbers of planetoids of varying sizes, colors, and environments, all of which remain in place in different spots surrounding a large artificial sun in the center of this gastro-cavity. The rays given off by this solar body are not harsh, but rather gentle and soothing. Reports have come in that citizens of all races, and even the invading dragons, are just standing outside gazing at the orb, which appears to induce a feeling of lethargy.

Needless to say, other than what I've just said, the Republic is experiencing the most peace it's had since its founding, meaning nothing newsworthy is happening. No violence, crime, scandal, anything whatsoever; everyone's too busy spacing out to raise any ruckus worth reporting. Which is why, after this report, I am officially retiring. The professionalism you've come to expect from this station will be no more, as I'll no longer be here to carry it out.

Before I take this somber leave from journalism, I'd like to say a few things about my esteemed profession. When I began work here I felt honored at being able to perform a valued service to the people, yet this honor became despair as I came to see the people for who they really are: Herd-minded, cowardly, gullible wastes of DNA and cheap opiates. Let me just say how utterly embittered you, the citizens, have made _me_ toward my job over the years. Everyday I put on this little show to "inform" all you ingrates, but rather than praise I garner indifference and complaints on how I fail to be "hip" and a "go-getter". I'm tired of leaping through hoops to win your adoration through ratings. The news is more than that: It's about prestige, dignity, recognition, cutbacks, money, and seeing how many people you can bang in the VIP break room in one go. That there takes muy cajones and plenty skill to pull off in great numbers, especially when it's not during the holidays! By the by, my record is twelve.

I have left a legacy here that far surpasses those of any of my colleagues, both former and present, yet it's only going to be forgotten because all you want to do is stare idiotically at some ball hanging in space! To see my life's efforts dashed because of some glorified lightbulb makes me want to yell "I'm mad as H**l and I'm not going to take it any longer!", without fearing the consequences of a lawsuit! That's how much I don't care anymore! Now my final words to my colleagues: William, you are hopelessly camp; Back-Up Anchor, you're hopelessly chicken-s**t; Other correspondents, I hope you're rotting away still within whatever stomachs have absorbed you; The oh-so-great Republic, for too long you've been holding me back, and I pray that your cheap-a**, hypocritical regime will topple in the most horrible, fiery way imaginable. And to my "loyal" viewers, may you sit on this for the rest of your lives. (Gives the finger) This has been Dick Hammalon, saying, (Jumps atop desk wielding a guitar)

F**k you everyone, Good-Night!

(Gives a powerful riff that explodes. Only the blackened desktop remains, as well as a pair of crispy loathers)


	23. Episode 3

**Steve Warz**

**Episode [Gaze]:**

**Eye of The Interloper**

_My God, where to even begin? I suppose that prologue would be a good place to start._

_ As mentioned by our dearly departed news anchor, the galaxy has met a fate never before imagined: Consumption. Despite the efforts and struggles of our heroic Jedi and their three special guests on the planet Draconia, they failed to stop the mastermind Unnamed, and have been sucked along with the rest of the universe into his unfathomable stomach. Every celestial body in the galaxy has been bunched together to form hundreds of planetoids, with native species of separate worlds finding themselves face to face with distant friends and enemies._

_ But rather than a time of violence and unrest, all is very tranquil as sentient beings of all walks of life stare motionless at the sun in the center of the stomach. While its a welcome deviation from the norm for most, it isn't the most acceptable resolution to the dragon incursion as far as the battered and grossly-weary Jedi were concerned. After getting some rest and recuperation from their near-weeklong ordeal, they headed out in search of the Republic leaders, somehow unaffected by the entrancing rays of the false sun. In little time they came across someone of importance, and thus asked for some help in dealing with this phenomenon. However, the reply they got was not to their liking. At all…_

Cope: What do you mean, "No"?

Governor: I'm sorry, but I don't see a need to look further into this thing.

Anna: You serious? You're the freakin' governor; your whole Republic is in total bedlam!

Governor: (Looks around) I don't see anything wrong.

Jo: Then you need your eyes checked, Governor! Everything's been flipped around and smashed together out there and nobody's doing anything about it!

Governor: And why should they? Sure, I'm still unsure exactly how everything got this way, yet everything is so calm and quiet. I've never had peace like this back on regular Coruscant. It was all noise, pollution and toilet paparazzi. But now it seems everything's for the better, so why fix something that isn't broken?

Anna: But it _is_ broken! _That's_ the point!

Will: Look, there's more to this thing than absolute peace. We've been on Draconia fighting these dragons—

Governor: And I appreciate your hard work. However, even the dragons are all peachy with everything, so no fuss, eh?

Will: That's not it. We saw the creature that did this. If it could make the whole galaxy what it is now, why did it stop?

Rick: I seriously doubt it did it for our benefits.

Sylvia: This thing may be plotting something worse for us, which is why we need your specialists to figure out what that something could be.

Governor: Sorry; I'd really like to help you, but my hands are tied here. I'm relaxed, without a care in the world, and I have no means of ordering a military reassignment so you're on your own.

Cope: Uh, there's a working military transceiver right there. (Points to a buzzing machine)

Governor: Yeah, but it's like, five feet away and I'm real comfortable just sitting here. Oh, and just so there's no further argument, (Pulls out a remote and pushes a button. The transceiver detonates) There: Now there can't be any disturbance to the peace.

Jo: What the heck, man?!

Anna: You no good lazy spineless bald flabby sponge! God why did we ever elect you?

Squishy: Don't look at me; I voted for Nader. (Everyone gives him an evil eye) Oh… sorry. Nevermind.

Sally: This is seriously out of whack.

Stan: Definitely.

Jo: Argh! C'mon guys; we're getting nowhere with this dead weight.

(They leave. But Anna runs back, picks up Gov and knees him in the groin)

Anna: Putz! (Goes away)

Governor: (Writhing on ground) It's all… good, in da hood….. Urk…

(We now get a panoramic view of the galaxy as it is. We see multitudes of multicolored, varied-sized planetoid orbs hanging close to one another at varying distances from the great white sun. The edges of the great stomach takes the place of the night sky, thus giving everything a somewhat pink, muted tone. On one little planetoid the Jedi regroup)

Sara: Where ya been, Anna?

Anna: Oh, making some parting touches. Man I just can't believe that guy! He's become some sort of lazy hippie!

Rick: Everyone's become a lazy hippie. Everywhere we've been it's nothing but people and dragons sitting around doing nothing, except stare at that sun.

Squishy: There's something odd about the rays it gives off. Yet how come we're not affected?

Will: No clue, and it doesn't look like anyone else wishes to care, not even our own government and military as far as I know.

Sylvia: Speaking of which, whatever did happen to Chris and his troops?

Cope: I honestly don't care, and neither does the audience I think.

(Whole audience nods heads lazily, also transfixed by the sun)

Will: God, even the audience is zoned out.

Jo: Well only asking questions and being meta won't help get things back to normal.

Stan: So I say we solve this mystery ourselves! (Pose)

Anna: Like with every other time?

Jedi: Sigh….

Sara: So where do we start?

Jo: I think it goes without saying that getting out of this dragon should be top priority. Now, since there's no sign of a throat or even rectal passage out of here—

Cope: Thank God.

Jo: Then the next best thing would be to get to the edge and cut our way out.

Anna: A gory excavation, whoopee!

Sally: Gory? Yuck.

Jo: We'll worry about that once we get there. Let's head out…. that direction.

Squishy: On the road again.

(They leave as "On The Road Again" plays)

Cope: God-d***it, Squishy.

(They walk across the planetoid and leap off to another and repeat when reaching the other side and so on. Along the way they pass groups of people either sitting or standing still looking past the Jedi and up toward the sun. And despite what the audience says, we're gonna have ourselves a quick bonus scene! For just over the crest of one nearby planetoid we find the decorated, hairy general Chris sitting on his rump looking up at the sun. And he's not alone, for laying down next to him is a very chilled-out Krayt dragon, still terrifyingly massive but otherwise nonthreatening)

Chris: You know, just sitting down, stopping to really think about things, it's all kind of a drag. The way life is, I mean. (Krayt dragon murmurs) Like, whatever kind of life you choose, there's all these expectations that are put upon you. Me for example: being this big shot general, I'm expected to keep the peace and quell rebellions and act as a, you know, model sort of person. Puts you under all this pressure on top of all the other stressful stuff I have to do. Do paperwork, attend functions, negotiate escort prices. Nobody considers that. (Krayt dragon murmurs in agreement) Yeah, and you probably gotta meet expectations, too. Stomp around, eat up caravans, act all angry when you don't really feel up to it. There's days I don't feel up to being a general, but I gotta do it anyway cuz that's what I signed up for. (Krayt dragon nods emphatically) It's just really good to have these moments where everything stops and you can get things off your chest, really take stock of things. Those moments are exceedingly rare, and far too often underappreciated. Or wasted.

(The Krayt dragon lets out a burble as a bulge appears in its throat)

Soldier: General Chris, is that you? We've been stumbling around in darkness for days and only just now found the throat. Spalding has lost a leg, everyone's slowly digesting and we're running low on oxygen. Please keep talking so we can make for the mouth, sir!

Chris: Oh, sounds like you're having some indigestion there. (Gets up and goes over to dragon) Let me help you with that. (Begins massaging the lump in the throat)

Soldier: Wait, what's happening? Everything's loosening up.

Chris: Just a little bit more, buddy.

Soldier: Wait General NOOO—!

(The bulge gets swallowed, allowing the Krayt dragon to sigh in relief)

Chris: There ya go. (Sits back down) Yep. A gooood time to forget it all.

(Back to the Jedi, after some traversing they come upon a seemingly barren planetoid)

Will: Check it out: It's Gray.

(Not too far from them we see the armored, dragon-looking Dragon Slayer sitting and looking down at the ground as though in thought)

Jo: Really? Hey Gray!

(Waves as the others continue toward him. Gray finally notices them)

Gray: Huh? Ha, you guys are alright!

(The Jedi reach him)

Sara: Of course we're alright; we're professionals at surviving danger.

Will: It's good to see you survived fighting that Ardgevald guy.

Gray: Heh, it takes a lot more than bigger dragons to stop this slayer.

Sylvia: So how was the battle when we left?

Gray: It was routinely epic. I dodged, healed, struck and won eventually. It was worth it for the most part, except the only thing I got to remember the battle by is his tongue.

(Whips out a severed dragon tongue)

Sally: Eww!

Jo: You kept that thing in your pants this whole time?

Squishy: Aie, did you have that sterilized at least?

Cope: Put that thing away before we breathe in mono or something!

(Gray puts the tongue away)

Gray: It's not disease-riddled or anything; it's just what was left of Ardgevald after I slayed him. It's a major ripoff considering how much effort I put into killing him. Sure, this same exact thing happened the last time I beat him, but I was hoping it would be something different this time.

Will: So, severed collectibles aside, what have you been doing after that?

Gray: Nothing really. Not long after winning I get pulled in by some great force and found myself in this strange place. I looked for you guys for a while but couldn't find ya's, and since the dragons around here weren't doing anything, I saw no point in fighting them. So I've been sitting around thinking of things to do, and then you showed up.

Squishy: Thinking of things to do? Well you're in luck: We were just on our way to finding out how to get out of this mess.

Stan: You could tag along with us again.

Sara: The extra help would be appreciated yet again, plus you'd be doing something other than sitting around.

Gray: Eh, I'll pass.

Jo: Huh? Why?

Gray: I've done enough crazy things while traveling with you guys, and now things have become weirder. All this change is tuckering me out, and to be honest I don't feel like seeing anymore surprises. I'd like to help, but I've had enough of this place, no offense.

Anna: (Sigh) None taken. I suppose most people have their limits, and unfortunately I haven't found mine yet.

Sylvia: Besides, it's really our problem. You were brought here without your say in it and decided to help us out. It's understandable if you don't want to do anything more.

Sally: I'll miss having you with us, though.

Will: Same here, but if you don't want to come then that's fine.

Gray: Thanks for not pressuring me or anything; I really appreciate it. I just need time to think some things out, get things straight, that kinda stuff. Thanks for understanding.

Jo: No prob. Anyway, maybe when we're done, we'll bump into each other again.

Gray: Yeah. Good luck with your mission.

Sara: Thanks Gray. Well, see ya.

Gray: See ya, Sara, and everyone.

(They bid farewells and leave. After a bit)

Cope: What was that all about? Why did we just leave him there? "Gotta think things out"—that excuse is so lame!

Will: Lay off it, Alex. The guy's had enough of fighting, couldn't you tell?

Cope: Bull crap! I bet he's just satisfied slaying that one Archibarchi dragon and decided to say "screw it all" like everyone else.

Jo: Well he has every right to think and act that way. Like Sylv said, he was brought here without consent. He wasn't obligated to fight with us in the first place; there's no reason to press him into further service like some militiaman.

Squishy: If he wants to chill, we let him chill. And value all the wonderful memories we made.

Cope: You know he's saved your tiny butt a bunch of times these past couple of days, right?

Anna: And yours as well, Alex.

Stan: Darn it! I forgot to ask Gray if he's seen Sentina.

Jo: Sentina? Oh, I'm pretty sure she's fine.

Stan: Um, how would you—?

Sylvia: No one is fighting now, Stan. She's safer here than on Draconia. Besides, she can handle herself if someone were to start something.

Sally: And whatever she couldn't handle, you sliced and diced them out of the picture!

Stan: Aww, gee...

Cope: You can worry about her later. Right now there's a more pressing task to undertake.

Stan: Right, I know.

(They continue on across more planetoids in silence, passing more relaxed persons. Eventually)

Sara: Haven't we seen that dragon from somewhere before?

(They stop upon noticing a great black dragon sitting and staring at the sun)

Squishy: Oh crap, it's that Shruikan guy!

?: That he is, but stay cool. He hasn't done anything.

(Walking up to them is the husky Dragon Scholar Lannius Drasec)

Girls: Lann!

Jo: Oh god it's him again.

Lann: Yeah, it's me again, Jo. So nice to see how concerned you were about my well-being. I spend hours trying to find you and the others and all too eagerly you're looking to shrug me off. Real caring of you.

Sara: Well the rest of us are happy to see you again, at least.

Lann: Thanks, Sara. You always know the right thing to say. (Sara swoons)

Squishy: So how ya hangin', Lann?

Lann: Pretty loosely, Squish: Just hows I likes it. Although I'm somewhat bothered.

Sally: By what?

Lann: Everything. You know: the planetoids, lack of stars, everything looking pink, people doing absolutely nothing. It actually freaks me out seeing everyone so chill, including all the dragons. Almost like their very wills have been sucked up into that sun. Still, at least the vibe of this new galaxy is helping Shruikan stay chill. So, where's Gray and Sammy-boy?

Will: Gray is alright, though he's sitting this one out. We don't know what happened to Sam when we left him to fight Tiamat.

Lann: Tiamat? Like, the five-headed goddess of evil Tiamat?

Sally: No: Just some weird old dude who kept yelling about how powerful and awesome he was.

Lann: Oh, then he should be fine.

Anna: Say, Lann, about Shruikan: weren't you fighting him to the death or something?

Lann: No way! I said I'd calm him down and look at him now. It took a few smacks to the head but I eventually got him to stop thinking we're his enemies. I was on the verge of making him a bona fide ally, but by that point the whole universe gets reborn and Shruikan becomes a living statue, staring at that sun like everybody else around here.

Sara: You know, we are going to look into that whole sun thing. You could come along and help us again.

Lann: Sorry, I can't. As much as I'd love to provide support a second time around, I cannot leave Shruikan like this. I broke him out of his madness, so what would that make me if I decided to ditch him all spaced out like this? Nah, I'm sticking here to make sure he stays alright until he snaps out of this trance. Too bad I can't say for certain when that will be.

Squishy: Well don't you worry about that, my man. We'll just go and get everything back to normal, and I'm sure Shruikan will be his old—

(Some bearded man with glasses and a white lab coat walks in)

Guy: Lannius? Lannius Drasec, is that you?

Lann: Huh? P.I.D.? You're here? Holy crap man it's been a while!

PID: Oh it really is you! Goodness yes it's been a long while, years even! So good to see yas!

(The two chaps do a man hug)

Lann: Same here, bud! God of all places, it's so weird we'd meet here!

PID: I know!

(They chuckle and pat each other before they break up)

Lann: Where the H**l's my 50 creds?

PID: Oh right, you did win that bet. Let's see…

(Rifles through coat, pulls out a wallet, withdraws some creds and hands it over to Lann)

PID: Here you go. You earned all of it. Still, who would have thought it would actually happen?

Lann: Yeah, funny how things turn out. But hey, whatever gets me money is fine either way.

PID: Indeed. Well, it was nice bumping into you, but I've got other matters to attend to: My dogs have to feed.

Lann: Oh, alright. It was good seeing you too, and you take care of yourself.

PID: Sure thing, and same to you. See you around, Lannius.

Lann: See ya, P.I.D.

(The two wave and PID leaves. Lann turns back to the Jedi who are rather bemused by the exchange)

Lann: He was a friend of mine back at the university. He studies griffons, so we worked in the same wing. We made a bet one day about whose creature would be found first, and wouldn't you know it, it was mine.

Jo: Riiiight. Now, since you're not coming, I guess we'll be on our way. Come on, guys. Nothing else to see here.

Lann: Good luck figuring this whole mess out.

Stan: Wait, Lann, I've a quick question. Have you seen Sentina at all?

Lann: No I'm afraid I haven't, which is a shame because she was on my list of people to look for. But with everything the way it is, I'm sure she can handle herself just fine.

Stan: (Dejected) Yeah, probably. Just wish I knew that for sure. Thanks for answering, Lann.

Lann: No prob, Stan. Now run along. I'll keep an eye out for her and let her know you're looking for her as well.

Stan: Thanks. Later, Lann.

(He and the group depart. They continue on for some time, getting closer and closer to the outer edge of the great stomach. Eventually they hear some humming)

Sara: Humming?

Jo: Wait! I know that deep manly tone from anywhere!

(He runs ahead. In no time they chance upon a green recliner, and in it sits the one-and-only Samuel Mother-F**king Jackson, wearing sunglasses, humming and twiddling his thumbs)

Anna: By Jove, he's still alive!

Sara: And taking it easy!

Sam Jackson: Hm? Who said that? (Notices the group) Well looky there: my Jedi escort! You all made it out alive!

Rick: With zero effort, surprisingly. And you seem to have made it alright as well. Got a recliner and such.

Sam Jackson: Oh these? Yeah, I grabbed them from some gazebo over that hill. The people standing around didn't seem to mind, so it's not really stealing. Plus, being a celebrity gives you certain inalienable rights, like the right to sit in a comfy recliner. And I must say, this is one comfy-a** f***in' chair.

Jo: Yeah, now that we know the details of your chair, perhaps you could tell us about how you got here.

Sam Jackson: H*** if I know! I'm cracking an 80-year old jaw bone one minute and then go through some f**king vortex thing and wind up here in Pepto Bismol Land the next. Honestly, the pink is total overkill.

Sara: Oh yeah! What happened to Tiamat?

Sam Jackson: Oh, Mr. "I AM The Final Battle"? S****it, old b****rd was nothing. I set his record straight in no time. Check this. (Looks away) Yo Tiffany!

(Rushing up to him comes a very humbled Tiamat)

Tiamat: Yes my lord?

Sam Jackson: Hey! That's not what you call me. Say my _actual_ name!

Tiamat: Ehh-ehhh-ehhh, yes, but of course. I'm so sorry for my slip-up, Grand Sugar Daddy Extra. If it pleases you, I found an issue of Jet that you could read over.

(Hands over a magazine)

Sam Jackson: Found? B***, if I ever choose to read a magazine, it's got to be up to date! Fresh! New! As in right off the newsstand, not found on the filthy-a** ground!

(Whacks Tiamat with magazine)

Tiamat: Sorry sir, sorry. It wont' happen again, I swear.

Sam Jackson: For your sake you better not. (Brings up feet) Now rub my corns, b***h!

Tiamat: Yes, right away. (Gets down and administers massage)

Sam Jackson: (To Jedi) As you can see, I talked him into being my personal servant for the remaining duration of my stay here. Also makes for a great footstool when I really want to relax. (To Tiamat) Rub harder! (Kicks Tiamat)

Tiamat: (Pouts) Ohh the smell...*sniff* (Pouts some more)

Sylvia: Wow. You're definitely not one to trifle one.

Sam Jackson: Wouldn't be making the big bucks if I stayed soft all my life.

Stan: Say, uh, Sam, have you seen Sentina around?

Cope: Are you seriously going to ask everyone we talk to, Stan?

Sam Jackson: 'Fraid not, Stan. Been too busy taking it easy for the first time since I wound up stuck here. Haven't really been paying attention to anything outside this sphere of relaxation I've set up for myself. But don't worry; by the look of things, it seems _everybody's_ taking a vacation. She's probably chilling out under a tree or by some pool or something.

Anna: So I take it you want no part in getting to the bottom of this galactic mystery we're currently standing in?

Sam Jackson: (Lowers shades) Look, I'll level with ya: I got off lucky. Even with you guys covering my back, by all rights I should've been dragon chow within the first two days on that planet. I'm really just a regular guy; I shouldn't have to put myself through these dangerous situations if I'm not up for it. You guys have it well in hand; I'd just drag you down. Besides, there's no chance I'm giving up this seat any time soon. Ain't that right, Tiff?

Tiamat: End me now...

Sam Jackson: See? We're good right where we are.

Sally: Well, you have fun. Hopefully we'll see each other and hang out when things aren't all screwy.

(They leave)

Sam Jackson: I'll look forward to that, girl. All of you be careful.

(He puts his sunglasses back on and settles into his recliner with a sigh, losing himself to comfort and a thorough—if unwilling—foot massage. Skip ahead to to a point where our heroes have left the inhabited planetoids near the edge of the new galaxy. Finally they stop on one planetoid and look directly at the stomach lining, only a mere half mile before them)

Squishy: At last: The edge of the universe.

Sally: Huh. I thought it'd look nastier, but it's pretty smooth and clean for the inside of a stomach.

Cope: Given how this thing was born just a short while ago, that's really no surprise.

Sara: How are we gonna break through when we get there?

Jo: Eviscerate, just like with all situations. Mere dragon organ tissue shouldn't be a match against our staves of sizzling death.

?: Peh! You would think that, but those things have limits. I should know: I put them there.

(The Jedi look around, and off to the side, sitting on the ground in a rebel stance, with an outfit of white and an obnoxious smirk, is the creator himself: Contractor)

Jedi: (Gasp!) Contractor?!

Cont: Mmm, how I miss a good response of shock and surprise. Really tickles my heart knowing I still have that effect on people after all this time.

Anna: YOU! (She leaps and pounces onto the Contractor like a feral cat, and with great strength lifts him high over her by his shirt collar and shakes him) You sadistic lazy-a** creationist! Six days! Six days I've had to deal with dragons, wilderness, fatigue, random occurrences and—worst of all—a heavily sweaty upper brow at the end of every day! Do you have _any_ idea how irritating it is dealing with a sopping brow in the middle of a life-or-death battle? Well let me tell ya: it's outright maddening! And all that time you could have whisked us to that friggin' tower, but nooooooo, you let us crash and do things the long and hard way like every other time! And now the whole galaxy is warped and everyone is doped up and we're stuck fixing this as well! What sort of benevolence do you call this if you're still tormenting nearly every aspect of our lives?

(Shakes him more violently, although he still holds that obnoxious smirk)

Cont: Well, if I had whisked you around, that wouldn't have made for as interesting an episode, now would it?

Anna: Graaaa! (Drops him hard)

Cont: As for the galaxy getting warped, that wasn't my doing. I never planned on having everything swallowed up like this. No, it was done by somebody else.

Jo: Like we're gonna believe that!

Cont: Me being here is a good clear sign that this wasn't my idea. The whole premise of a writer getting tossed in with his creations ain't my cup of tea. That said, whoever did this knows what they're doing because, sad to say, I'm without god powers here. There's some suppression field in effect that's reduced to me something lowlier than yourselves. Otherwise, you wouldn't have been able to man-handle me that easily. Or did it without immediate consequences.

Sara: You did shake him up pretty easily, Anna.

Anna: Okay, I suppose I can buy your not having god powers for now. But that doesn't make up for the aches still in my legs!

Sara: I think what she means is who's responsible, then?

Cont: No clue. Not a single one. However, I know for sure that it was the same guy who started the whole dragon invasion. And I also know solely based on your body language that you're gonna find out who.

Sally: (Shocked) Like a book!

Rick: He's our creator, sis.

Cont: Exactly. Now, how are you gonna do this?

Will: (In prison stripes) We're breakin' outta here!

Pickaxe: And I'm helping!

Cont: Huh, never saw that before. (Grabs pickaxe and tosses it to the abyss)

Pickaxe: Endless regreeeeeeeeeeet! (Gone)

Cont: What I tried to hint at earlier was that "breaking out" won't do. Even from here I can tell you that blindly cutting at that flesh will get you nowhere.

Jo: Then how do we get out? There's no throat or anal passage—

Cope: No Anal Routes, Jo!

Cont: Nah nah, you gotta think this through. You can't just go for any old spot; instead, you have to go for: The Pores.

Jedi: (Wonder) The pores?

Cont: Here, allow me to demonstrate:

_And now, live from Nowhere In Particular, the first in a long series of BoBoBo references, Contractor Productions is proud to present the riveting yet informative documentary:_

**Your Body's Body**

Chapter 1:

Pores of Passion

(Contractor pops up wearing a lab coat with a metal pointer before a projection screen)

Cont: As you probably already know, pores are holes in your skin that take in air. (Slide comes on) It is here that air and dirt particles are collected, resulting in the formation of the dreaded zits.

Greasy Teen: They just never stop.

Cont: No they don't. However, pores aren't just hassles for your face and/or back. Pores also cover the inner lining of organ tissue, eagerly waiting to be penetrated by microscopic warriors of good. And all this is based on fictitious but rather compelling bull-s**t.

_And that has been this week's Lame Plot Device._

Cont: So your prime target in your escape will be those pores. And it just so happens that a pore is directly straight across from me.

Sylvia: Okay, so why didn't you just tell us to begin with?

Cont: Eh, too many things go unexplained around here. I thought I'd take a different approach and make things as coherent as possible.

Fans: NOO! DON'T!

Cont: The people have spoken; random it remains.

Fans: Phew.

Jo: So our path is made clear. Thanks Contractor... for once.

Cont: No problemo. Just hurry along and get my powers back.

Anna: Oh we're gonna, but you bet your sorry white-linen a** I'll have more grievances to voice when it's done.

Cont: Sure sure. In the meantime, don't be afraid to put much of that rage toward the big bad you're going to face.

Squishy: You better be ready to tidy all this up on your own when we get back.

Cont: Perfectly understandable, Squishy darling. Say, before you go, I should tell ya something.

Squishy: What?

Cont: It's a sorta prophecy thing. The being you're about to face is undoubtedly powerful, but keep this in mind: There's more than meets the eye. That's all I have to say.

Sally: More foreshadowing, ooooooh.

Sara: Isn't that degree of mysticism a Circle Eight offense?

Cope: Like anyone would get that reference.

Sara: Eh, I suppose not.

Jo: Let's move, people.

(Everyone nods and leave for the skin.)

Cont: And Stan my man! (Stan stops) Sentina's just fine. Don't let that worry you.

(At first Stan is caught off-guard, but then adopts a look of appreciation)

Stan: Thanks.

(Contractor nods, cueing Stan's exit. He rejoins the others, and they make their way to the very last planetoid. From there they leap from it and by some freaky force of gravity they stick to the stomach wall and continue on. Eventually Will's foot sinks into something)

Will: Oh jeez, I got organ on my foot. Yuck.

Jo: That's our exit. Step aside real quick.

(Will yanks his foot out, and then Jo takes his saber and slides it into the hole. This causes it to quiver and enlarge into a 3-foot wide fleshy depression)

Anna: Wait, that's our exit?

Squishy: Ugh, it looks all tight and squishy.

Cope: Then that makes you perfect for going first.

(Kicks Squishy into hole, where he gets stuck and then sucked down out of sight)

Sylvia: What the h**l, Alex, we don't even know if that stuff is acidic!

Cope: Well he should stop looking so kickable all the time.

(The hole quivers and a gloved thumbs up appears before retreating back in)

Cope: And look, we got the a-okay no problem.

Jo: (Gestures) Ladies first?

Sylvia: Sure, but I'm using him for a shovel. (Grabs Cope)

Cope: WAIT, NO—

(Gets plunged head first into hole, where only his legs are sticking out. Sylvia calmly takes a seat atop a foot)

Sylvia: Sally, would you like to come along? There should be room for one more.

Sally: Okay!

(Sits on the other foot, and all three sink in)

Jo: (Shakes head) Women.

Will: I hears ya.

Sara: Uh-HUM? Care to be my shovel, Will?

Will: Uh, that's alright. Let's just go in side by side.

Sara: Sounds great, honey. (They both go in)

Anna: So Jo, wanna clear the way for me, or do you wanna test my temperament? (Evil look)

Jo: Oh heck no, I _know_ what you're capable of! (Dives into hole)

Anna: Hee hee hee hee. Never gets old. (Rick stares at her) You want some too, Ricky?

Ricky: I'll just go down with dignity, thank you.

Anna: Excellent. And so will your brother for sure.

Stan: Gulp…

(Soon all three of them have gone in. Now we see the group crawling through a twisting tunnel of flesh and slime as they are pressed tight together)

Will: Gosh dern, why's it so tight in here?

Cope: My thoughts exactly.

Sally: It's all warm and sticky!

Jo: There there, Sal. We just gotta keep pushing on. It'll only get worse if we slow down.

(At some point everyone reaches a standstill)

Sally: Oh great we're stuck!

Jo: What did I just say!

Sylvia: What's going on?

Cope: Squishy, why'd you stop now of all places?

Squishy: It can't be helped. I've hit some kind of wall.

Jo: A wall? You gotta be joking.

Squishy: It's no joke: There really is some fleshy barrier right here.

Cope: That shouldn't be. The only way there would be any kind of wall would be….0.o! NO! God-D***it: We've hit the rectum!

Jedi: WHAT?!

Cope: That Son of a B***h Contractor has sent us down South! The BAAAD South!

Anna: Yo Alex, calm down. This isn't the place to be flipping out—

Cope: How can you be calm about this, woman? I specifically said no to any "backdoor" exits so that we avoid being smothered in… OH DEAR GOD! (Starts pressing madly) EVERYBODY BACK UP BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! LET ME OUT OF THIS STINKHOLE LET ME OUUUUUUUT!

(Something gives, and suddenly the Jedi tumble out of the tunnel and fall yelling into a great pool of opaque liquid. Following the splash, everyone rises up out of it to find themselves with their lower halves submerged. Cope breaches from the fluid looking utterly mortified and disgusted)

Cope: OH JESUS CHRIST IT'S ALL OVER ME WHY IS IT SO WATERY OH DEAR GOD AAAAAAAAAAAH! (Flails a bit until he gets a good look at what exactly is covering him and immediately calms down) Wait, this isn't feces. (Sniffs) And thank God it's not urine, either.

Sara: Still feels nasty all the same. Blegh!

Sylvia: Tastes salty. This must be a sweat gland.

Squishy: Would explain why I'm floating on it so easily. (Show Squishy floating on his back)

Will: No, the viscosity isn't the same as ordinary sweat. (Takes a lick off his hand)

Stan: Did you seriously just lick that?

Will: It's not just salt. This stuff also tastes of… motor oil.

Sara: Motor oil?

Will: I've worked in maintenance shops a long time, and I'm telling you this is just a more watered-down version of mechanical lubricant.

Sally: But why would a massive mythical dragon have oil for sweat?

Rick: Hmm… Perhaps this is no ordinary mythical dragon.

Squishy: For sure, son. The mystery of this beast grows even more mysterious.

Brit with Monocle: Mmm, quite, dear chap.

Jo: Well we need to get out of here first. And that's how we're doing it.

(Indicates a nearby depression with an exit sign over it. After a period of time we see our heroes pop out of the other end of the new tunnel. Upon getting back on their feet they immediately become awestruck by the sight around them. Things are no longer pink, for they have just stepped out onto a great scaly plain of pure white. An endless swirl of silent darkness hangs overhead, broken by a gargantuan draconic wing of white and pale colors, immobile and hanging high and far from the Jedi. After some looking, Jo regains everyone's attention and points out a glowing horizon far off. They all nod and dash across the dragon's surface. After several minutes they reach the base of the left forelimb, whose diameter couldn't have been less than 50,000 meters wide. After passing that, they finally reach the upper chest, where to their surprise a long, thin platform awaits them. With zero hesitation they step onto the platform, and instantly it rises off the scales and rights itself whilst floating off. Eventually it takes position before the front of the monstrosity, now resembling an immense white sunrise. At that moment, pulling up out of the darkness below the neck of the beast retracts, bringing its head high over the Jedi. It gazes upon the heroes with great yellow eyes set in its white, horned head. It bares its mountainous teeth, lets out a low heavy growl that that quickly grows into a mighty roar that shakes its entire being. "Destiny's Force" from Kingdom Hearts plays as the Jedi draw their weapons and get into battle stances. After a quick stare down, the battle begins)

(Immediately the divine dragon lunges its head at the platform, trying to knock the heroes away but misses. It then attempts to bite with its massive maw, which the Jedi barely manage to dodge. Then, for some reason, small round platforms start appearing to the sides of the long platform, forming a rising semi-circle around the assailing dragon neck. With haste the group splits and make for the smaller platforms. It is here the dragon gets distracted, but soon focuses on some of the Jedi. It does some lightning lunges and bites but fails to snag anybody. There are times that the Jedi actually jump onto the dragon's snout, ride it a bit and then leap off onto a far off platform. At some point Will tries to make a stab on the dragon's head, but he is flung off and sent flying into a platform, which he collides and rolls over, grabbing the edge before he falls off into abyss. Just as the dragon readies to attack, Rick throws his saber at it to get its attention, allowing Cope to come and help Will up. Stan and Sally spring up to go at the dragon's neck while it focused on Rick, but it switches focus and whips around to chomp them, only for Anna to fly in and fire off a devastating Force Lightning Bolt onto its upper muzzle. The dragon screeches in rage before pulling its neck back. Its head shakes and eyes flash a few times, then it opens its mouth and releases a giant inferno that obliterates four of the platforms. It then slowly sweeps the blaze, tracking the Jedi. Squishy hitches a ride on Sylvia and together they leap at the dragon and slash a nostril, ending its flame attack and allowing the platforms to regenerate)

(With everyone split up again the dragon's attacks become more fast and furious, keeping everyone in the air. Eventually Jo and Cope are together just as the dragon readies to eat them. Quickly, Jo gets on and leaps off Cope's shoulders, just as he hits one of the dragon's teeth with a clang. This disorients the dragon, allowing Jo to land onto the head and deliver a shearing stab deep into its left eye. The result is immediate: The dragon pulls back and wails, sending Jo flying. A massive beam of yellow light shoots from the eye as the beast screeches painfully, a sound that soon lowers into grumble/sputter. All the platforms disappear, and now everyone is standing on invisible ground before the dragon as orange begins to swirl amid the darkness. The yellow beam soon ceases, and the dragon head falls and hits the invisible ground before the Jedi with a thunderous thud, all color gone from its eyes. Suddenly, a crease forms around its scalp, and a great hiss is made as clouds of steam come out of it. Then a section of the head, including the eyes, rise up and back as hydraulics are heard lifting. The top half of the head continues to rise, slowly revealing the paneled metal control center within. Fully lifted up, we see at last, sitting behind the levers, buttons and switches of the controls, is none other than… than…! Holy...)

(The original six Jedi immediately drop their jaws and stare with bulging, twitching eyes at the one behind the controls)

Cope: No… F**king… Way…

(For the person sitting within the artificial dragon head is, is, is, oh help me Jesus I need more caption room!)

**HENRY!**

_**OMFG!**_

(Yes! For in that leather control chair with hands grabbing his face in frustration sits the long-forgotten Designer himself, Henry Handerson, in worn blue jeans, a dirty D&D shirt, greasy black short hair and his skinny freakish height. And right next to him is… Is that a baby? Nay, it be but a wee wittle lassy wearing a colored wool sweater shirt, with long blonde hair and the cutest, wootest wittlest face I ever did— [Punched in face] Owch?!)

Girl: Hey! I won't be patronized right out of the gate! Redo my intro NOW! (But, I'm so utterly bewildered, and frightened of you) Suck it up! God!

(The Jedi continue to gawk with their shocked expressions, although Sylvia and the kids only look on blankly while "Oh, It's You" from A Hat In Time plays)

Henry: Gol-fudgin'-darnit! I can't believe I left myself wide open like that!

Girl: Don't worry about it, hon. You had them on the run for a while there.

Henry: But I let them end it far too early. I should've been more attentive, really worn them down, but instead I got careless. And I just had to have the most obvious weak spots! God so much regret is building up I swear!

Girl: Okay, you better cut the whining because it's starting to bug me.

Henry: Sorry, dear...

Jo: Googidy-Moogidy, Henry?!

Will: Holy frickin' crap…

Anna: Seriously?

Henry: (Composes self) Weeeeell, if it isn't Jo, my dear brother Will, my former boss, and the rest of the highly esteemed Jedi. Yes, my long-awaited return has finally come, and the looks you're giving me are immensely pleasing!

Sally: …...Who's Henry?

Henry: What?! Which one of you has forgotten—(Notices Sally) Whoa whoa what in the, who the flip are you? (Sees the other three reptiles and points at them) And you, and you, and you! (Rubs eyes) My word, there's ten of you now! But, where's Jared?

Will: Woof, that's a name I haven't heard in forever.

Cope: He's been gone without a trace for over a decade.

Henry: Seriously? Oh man… I've been gone faaaar too long.

Rick: I'm sorry, but who's this guy?

Stan: I'd like to know, too.

Sally: Ditto.

Anna: You mean you don't… oh, yeah, you probably wouldn't know. Well that there is one Henry Handerson: Will's younger brother and one of the last surviving Sith Masters back in my evil days.

Cope: He died early on during the assault on their final stronghold—

Henry: By the lamest cheap shot ever! The first freakin' episode of the series and I get killed off like a chump! But that wouldn't stick for long.

Jo: Yeah, because you somehow got god powers and came back right after the Fanboy Republic fell.

Sylvia: Wait! I just remembered you told me about that, Squishy. A long time ago.

Squishy: Yeah. He possessed Chris, had him blow up some planets and then revealed himself as the Designer. The Contractor actually had to step in to defeat him.

Henry: Using some dumb mambo nonsense; another cheap death. Anyway, how bout explaining something to me: what's the deal with these talking lizards?

Squishy: This is my wife Sylvia, and those are my three children: Stanley, Sally, and Richter.

Sally: We're Jedi, too!

Henry:...WHAT? Squishy seriously boinked a velociraptor and had lizard babies, too! Holy Hell, what's been going on with this universe that I once called home?!

Girl: Get a grip, Henry; you're embarrassing us!

Henry: But I can't help it! Eight f***ing trilogies and so much has changed!

Cope: You honestly expected things to stay the same after so long?

Henry: Considering the hack in charge of everything? Yes!

Jo: What are you doing here, Henry?

Henry: Ah, a topic I can discuss without losing my mind. Well, Jo, I believe it should be quite obvious: I'm here to reclaim my former glory as grand overlord of your universe. You see, I've been in something of a creative slump for a long while. But some time ago, I was wandering the fringes of Creative Design when I came across this abandoned, half-completed concept that had that dolt Contractor's fingerprints all over it. That clued me in that big things were happening in this particular universe of discourse, so I decided it was the perfect time for a comeback. I took possession of the construct and made up my plan in milliseconds. That being: possess Bowser, get him to open a rift to the dragon dimension to cause untold havoc on you silly inhabitants, and finalize the ultimate weapon/containment vessel while you're all flailing about. And that ultimate weapon is the very thing you see before you: The Divine Dragon King Deluxe!

Squishy: Weapon? So, everything up to now had been your doing? What about Unnamed?

Henry: Ahhh, you liked that little shocker, huh? Yes, in possessing this construct I learned of its origin and original intent. I figured I'd put a little spin to further cover my tracks, and being the gullible sorts you all are you totally bought it! Course in the long run it was wholly pointless, but it's so satisfying knowing I can still psyche you guys, haha!

Will: So your big plan was to vore up the entire galaxy with a humongoid dragon?

Henry: Bro, did you really have to make it sexual? My big plan, _Will_, was to contain Contractor and his precious little playground in a cage of my own making. A cage that would sap him of his godhood and make his creations vacant-eyed, empty-headed dolls for me to do with as I please. And I get extra irony points by using one of his unrealized ideas to make it happen!

Rick: You seem to be celebrating a bit early, because _we're_ not vacant-eyed or empty-headed.

Sally: Yeah! We busted out of your big meaty prison to take you down!

Lady: Like you even have a chance, lizard face! My sweetie-buns Henry is going to take you losers out like it's nothing!

Henry: Kayla, I was about to say that.

Kayla: You've been talking too long; let me have a chance, huh?

Henry: But this is my big moment; I don't need you to be stepping on my toes like that!

Kayla: Excuse me, but this is _our_ big moment. I didn't come along to your carry-on, so you either let me have a crack at taunting your former friends or I'm gonna have to whip out the newspaper and remind you to respect me.

Henry: Please don't.

Cope: Bizarre.

Jo: What's with the girl, Henry?

Henry: Oh right, slipped my mind. To help me celebrate my triumph and new rulership over this pitiful realm I decided to bring along my sweet'ums Kayla.

Kayla: That's right, and I'm the sweetest killer in all existence so none of you stand a chance . (Makes cat pose)

Stan: Uhhhhh… adorable?

Henry: Adorable _and_ deadly: the perfect combination to match a perfect being like myself. And this perfect little miss is gonna be here to watch me ruin all your careers by stomping your sorry light-bearing selves into oblivion.

Kayla: Yeah! That's the stuff; make them tremble!

Henry: See? She's amazingly supportive.

Anna: Well, what's also amazing is how we're gonna yank you out of your big shiny dragon mech and boot you out of this universe in less time than it takes for Alex to complain about something.

Cope: I don't complain that much these days.

Anna: Quicker than that!

Will: It's a real shame our reunion has to end so soon, but there's a whole galaxy that needs saving and I won't abide by someone holding it hostage, even if they are family.

Sara: You're going down!

Sally: Yeah!

Henry: Hoh hoh, I honestly missed the spunk you guys show right before a big battle, even forgetting how I literally floored you the last time we faced each other. And there's no Contractor around to swoop in and bail you out this time.

Jo: Where there's a will there's a way, Henry, and we will defeat you!

(The Jedi draw their sabers as "Inside Boss Battle" from Final Fantasy 1 plays. The entire dragon drops away from Henry and Kayla, leaving them standing on open ground before the heroes)

Henry: So shall we see! Kayla, bear witness to how a god smites his enemy's toys!

Kayla: Okay, just don't take too long. I get bored easy.

Henry: Worry not, my sweet, for this shan't take long at all. To you dogged Jedi and the traitor Pineapple, face my dauntless power once more! Ya HA!

(Static is heard in Squishy's head)

Cont: So Henry _was_ behind all this!

Squishy: Contractor? Why am I hearing you?

Cont: I managed to get a working telepathic connection with my remaining deus ex machina powers, but that's all I can do. Gah, to think he was actually serious with those threats.

Squishy: Wait, you knew Henry was going to come back this whole time?

Cont: He kept sending me these voice messages that sounded like drunk ramblings; I honestly thought he moved on with his life. Although, stopping to think on it, I may have confused that heavy drawl of his for drunken slurring. Whoops.

Squishy: That bit of hindsight isn't real helpful, since Henry is about to attack us!

Cont: Yeah, that's pretty bad. Luckily he's about as pompous as me by not outright destroying you, but he's also as strong as myself. You may not think that's much, but all those previous times we fought I allowed myself to be beaten. Henry won't be so generous, I reckon.

Squishy: So what are we supposed to do?

Cont: You won't stand a chance fighting him on his terms. You're going to have to fight dirty; beat him at something he's terrible at, but at which you're a pro.

Squishy: And what would that be?

Cont: I'll let you figure out that one. But here's a hint: Puma. So long and good luck, champ. I believe in you. (Switches off)

Squishy: Wait! That made no sense!

Sally: I still don't really know who this guy is, but I can feel the power coming off him. Almost like that Accountant guy, or even Financer!

Stan: There's no way this dude is anything like Financer! If we put our hearts into this we should be able to knock him down!

Cope: You have no idea how utterly ineffective that is here, do you?

Stan: Nope, but I'm gonna give it my all still!

Henry: I'm liking the spirit of this one. Too bad it's going to crushed out of him harder than the life that was crushed out of Darth Stand-In.

Rick: Who?

Anna: One of my Sith cronies that I had killed… quite painfully.

Rick: Hoo boy...

Squishy: What could have Contractor meant, what could he have meant, think think thiiiiiiiiiink!(Gasp!) Of course! That has to be it! (To Henry) Yo Henry! Catch!

(He tosses a spinning object at him, and he grabs it. Lightning strikes and suddenly Henry is wearing a cheap Gitaroo-Man costume and holding the legendary Gitaroo)

Henry: What the h**l? What just happened?

Kayla: What sort of lame-a** He-Man look are you trying to pull? Take that stupid thing off.

Henry: I can't!

_Everybody there's a new king in town._

_Get ready:_

_Mojo-Mojo-Mojo King Bee!_

(There's resounding cheer as funky music plays and we get a gander at Squishy who's now wearing a disco bee suit and holding a space trumpet. He grooves about as everyone drops jaws and eyes bulge)

Everyone: What The H**L?!

Cope: Squishy What The F**k Are You Doing Wearing That?!

Kayla: Dude that's an even _stupider_ look!

Squishy: Henry, I challenge you to a Gitaroo-Man Versus Match! You play the hero!

Henry: Say WHAAAT?!

Squishy: You V me! Nothing simpler, right? Now, can you follow the beats? Show your stuff, Designer!

Kayla: You're gonna take that from some loser cosplayer? Beat him at this lame-a** game and be done with it!

Henry: But but I-I-I-uh—

Squishy: The match starts now!

(Their life bars appear and Charge Phase begins)

Sylvia: You can do it, Squishy!

Anna: Make whatever point you're getting at!

Henry: Uh, uh, okay I guess I'll, uh, give it a shot, uh, ugh, urk.

(Squishy pulls off his trumpeting beautifully, but Henry keeps missing bars and messing up whatever lines he does hit, hardly getting any life to his bar. At the start of Battle)

Jo: Ha, look at that: Henry doesn't even have half a life bar.

Kayla: What's wrong with you?

Henry: My thing's busted, it's too sensitive!

Kayla: Quit complaining and kill his a**!

Henry: Gulp.

Squishy: Next part!

(Squishy unleashes his attacks which trip up Henry bad, and he still can't nail those notes)

Stan: Wow, just look at how much Dad is tripping that guy!

Will: It's really sad how much pwnage Henry's being dealt.

Kayla: Why are you screwing up? How come you missed all those dodge buttons those were frickin' easy!

Henry: No they're not! They're coming way too fast it's just not fair!

Kayla: Henry they're moving at a snail's pace So Get With The Flippin' Program You Whiner!

Henry: (Distressed) Stop Yelling At ME! It's Not Helping!

(The debacle of a match continues until Henry's life bar mercifully hits zero)

_Awww, youuuu Lose._

_Hooray! You Win!_

(Confetti erupts around Squishy and cheers ring out. Back on the loser's side)

Henry: I lost? No… No I couldn't have, I can't! Nooooooo! How could it be? It's not fair! It's just not fair! My big return completely and unquestionably ruined; there's absolutely no justice in this stupid universe! Oh woe is ME!

(He falls to ground and assumes a shivering fetal position. Kayla goes over to him looking annoyed)

Kayla: What the heck are you doing lying there? Get up like a man and kill them like one!

Henry: Shame… So much soul-crushing shame… No hope…..

Kayla: What are you blubbering about? Get up! Get up you whimpering sack of crap, I said get up!

(She kicks him repeatedly but to no avail: Henry remains unresponsive and inconsolable)

Kayla: Grrr, my man's been rendered into a dud!

Jo: Who knew Henry sucked so badly at Gitaroo-Man?

Will: I certainly didn't.

Kayla: You! You made him like this with that dumb, hokey, out-of-date rhythm game! I'll make every one of you pay for doing this to my precious Henry!

Jo: Sorry miss, but your boy toy was being a b****rd and needed to be put down. No offense to your darling self.

(Lightning flares from Kayla as she makes a face of contorted, unfathomable rage)

Kayla: What… What did you just say? (Quivers) BOY! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M MORE THAN JUST DAMSEL! I may be small, and sweet, but I'm also a killer, one far harder than the whole scrawny, macho-centric lot of ya! You sons of b***hes have no idea the kind of Hell I CAN BRING YOU!

Stan: Whoa... She got scary real quick.

Squishy: If she's been sweet up to now, we may be in trouble.

Kayla: That's right! Especially when... I, don't, take, KINDLY, to, my, MAN, being, called, A BOY TOY! (Flames erupt) I'm going to introduce you all to my vengeful wrath, one not even Hell itself can hold a candle to! You're in a world of hurt now, Bak-i!

**KAYLA**

Sweet-and-Low Killer

Kayla: WTF? Hey, I didn't agree to that subtitle! Change it now! (No; the title stays. It's clever and immensely fitting—[face slapped] Ow again!) Idiot!

Squishy: That's the second time she punched the Describer! How is she doing that?

Rick: Seems she's a goddess here, maybe one with more pull than Henry.

Cope: More so? How could that even be possible?

Will: Sounds like things have just gotten worse for us.

Kayla: That's right, you backstabbing brother-in-law! Now, are you all set for a pounding?

Jo: Heck yeah we're ready! Bring it on, Missy!

Kayla: Oh I will rip out your leg hairs for saying that! Except… I need more suitable attire. Can't go getting my date clothes dirty so soon. (Raises finger before face) Wardrobe-jutsu, HA!

(There's a quick puff of smoke, and in a second it clears to reveal Kayla decked out in the white gi of a karate master, with the tiniest belt for her teeny karate self [Face gets kicked] BWAUGH!)

Kayla: It's a Tae Kwon Do uniform, a** hole! There's a HUGE difference, so don't make that mistake again! Now for you Jedi, I'm gonna kick your a**es up and down this place using only my fists and legs, just to prove how utterly weak you guys truly are, even with those fancy lightsabers.

Rick: You're fighting us barehanded? Awfully presumptuous of you, I should say.

Kayla: Ah, but it is your assumptions that shall spell your death at my hand. Now, may our fight be honorable. Kōun. (Does a cutesy martial bow) Keeya!

(Leaps at Jedi, lands and does a lightning roundhouse kick that makes everyone leap away)

Jo: Whoa that's quick!

Kayla: As the salmon splits the river's surface so will I split your skulls with my footsies. It's officially on, foes!

("Please, Mr. Sensei" from God Hand plays as she leaps off in a flash. She hops around laying out the fist and foot attacks like a black-belt jack rabbit, forcing the Jedi to go on the defensive. Jo manages to track her and tries baring his saber but)

Kayla: Flutter of the Mad Butterfly!

(She starts repeatedly slapping the air in front of Jo)

Jo: Ah! I am disoriented!

Will: Oh my goodness, Joseph has been disoriented!

Cope: Woe is him!

Anna: Hey, how come you are talking weird, and why aren't your mouths synced with your words?

Stan: I would really like to know! It's way freaky, ohhhhh!

Kayla: Ha! That is the aura of Bad Translation which has beset you! The awkward word choices and unnecessary exclamations will further confuse you, making you open for attack, Ah Ha!

Squishy: That will surely make things annoying for us!

Rick: I humbly agree, Father-san!

Kayla: Now face my attacks some more!

(Kayla continues the battle with more attacks)

Kayla: Back Arm Swipe! Flying Corn Toe! Rising Spike! Improv Slide!

Sally: Can we stop with all this strange talking it is hurting my head!

Kayla: Aye, it too is bothering me! A dumb idea I admit, sorry! Wait a second… There, that's better. You will now taste my fist of doom, fools!

(Things quicken back up as she doles out them chops and kicks. She manages to trip up Stan, then goes into bullet time to side-step saber slashes from Rick and Sally, quickly ducking and sweeping out both their legs. Jo, Will and Cope charge, but Kayla springs up and delivers mid-air kicks that knock all three down. The other Jedi decide to holster their sabers and try the barehanded approach. This succeeds in putting Kayla on the defensive for a change. After avoiding Sylvia's saurian kicks, jumping over Anna's and bouncing off Squishy's head she lands on an empty spot nearby)

Kayla: No fair! You're not supposed to catch on that quick! I should be running circles around you all!

Cope: And that's where _your_ assumption spells trouble for you. We're no slouches when it comes to hand-to-hand.

Anna: It ain't just lightsabers and lasers, little tigress.

Kayla: Crap, and after all those lessons. Guess I'll have to employ the technique of Tae Kwon Chee.

Jo: Tae Kwon Chee? What's that?

(Kayla delivers a flying kick to Jo's crotch)

Kayla: The art of ball busting, sucka! Ha ha!

Jo: (Writhing) Oh no. I have been hit in the crotch. The pain is excruciating and indescribable. Wait, why am I speaking in monotone? How come the darn cheap translations have turned back on for me? Let me express my anguish in an appropriate manner please.

Kayla: You're next, Ringo!

(Slides over and delivers a powerful punch into Cope's groin, resulting in a slo-mo reaction of his fall before she stares hungrily at Will)

Will: Oh crap oh crap oh—

(She launches at him and head butts his package)

Kayla: Three down!

Stan: Hey! You can't go low-blowing like that! (He engages her) What about having this fight be honorable?

Kayla: Ha! For a killer like me, honor means nothing; it's the deaths of my opponents that takes priority. That, and greatly humiliating them, like so! (Leaps and mounts Stan) Giddyup pony! Ya ya!

Stan: Hey hey hey I'm no kiddie ride!

Kayla: Then I'll bust you like a scrawny bull!

(She rides him madly around before pulling him up and slamming his face into the ground)

Kayla: That makes four now!

Sara: Not so fast! You still got us!

Anna: We wont' be so easy to knock out!

Rick: And I'm nothing like my brother.

Stan: (Dizzy) Oh, how nice of you to say, Rick. Ugh…

(Sylvia charges with a kick, but Kayla leaps from the sneak attack. She stops amid the other girls and exchanges blows between them. She knocks away punches, diverts kicks and ducks and bends many a time, putting them at stalemate. Seeing no progress to be had, she leaps away and faces Richter. Despite the size difference they both match each other's moves and exchange a flurry of blows and counter blows. When she tries the trusty crotch kick, Rick flips up and over her, and while in flight he grabs her head and uses the momentum of his flip to toss her far. She reorients and slide lands on her feet, panting)

Kayla: Come on! I can't be that evenly matched! (The combatants gang up on her) Miracle Copter Plus!

(She gets airborne and spins her legs around in a whirlwind that knocks them down)

Kayla: Hee. I knew I still had it.

(See spots Squishy and leaps over to him. Standing side by side, we see that she is only four inches taller than him)

Kayla: Squishy, you and your cruddy game brought suffering to my one and only! Also, your very being reeks of Contractor, which annoys Henry further! And if he's annoyed, so am I, which is why I hate you the most! You emasculate my country stud, so I'll make your death the messiest!

Squishy: Okay, but you'll have to recheck that emasculating part cuz I'm not the sole guilty party. You might want to look in a mirror for starters.

Kayla: (Composure snap) I HATE SMART-A**ES! ESPECIALLY STUPID SHORT ONES!

(She pulls back her fist and rams it straight into Squishy's hood. Her hand rummages around the inside of his robes)

Kayla: Where's that luffa sponge that you call a spine? I'll rip it out and beat you with it you shrimp!

Squishy: Takes one to know one.

Kayla: (Rummages more furiously) The Nerve Of Someone So Stupid! Well Guess What Midget Boy, I've Finally Got A Hold!

(She pulls hard and out pops her hand holding a plastic tube with a trigger on it)

Kayla: What's this supposed to be… (Realization and drops it) Oh, My, God, IT'S A FREAKIN' PENIS PUMP! (At that everyone immediately wakes up) Ew ew ew ew ew I had my hand wrapped around it god you're disgusting ew ew ew ew ew ew EW!

(Runs around waving out hand and scrunching her face. Meanwhile, Squishy's eyes reappear within the shadow of the hood)

Squishy: No no no no that thing's not a pump! It's a salad shooter and nothing else I swear to God!

Sylvia: He's telling the truth! That thing's from our kitchen.

Jo: Squishy, why do you have a salad shooter in your robes?

Squishy: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, thought it might come in handy?

Jedi: ….

Squishy: ….

Everyone Else: ….

Kayla: Okay, I am officially grossed out! You people are too sick to be dealt with in respectable combat! Oh no, the only way I'm gonna trounce you clowns is by getting a little vulgar myself. Wardrobe Change!

(Kayla summons up a privacy curtain to do some changing, then dropping the curtain... Oh my goodness she's so adorable! All those ruffled clothes and buckled shoes and that cute wittle—[Face smacked] Gak! Fine fine fine. Kayla has donned a swashbuckler attire of the finest design. A mixture of red, black and white, she's decked in ruffled shirts, buckled shoes, and a red bandanna on her head that in no way lessens her imposing image)

Kayla: Much better! (To Jedi) Arr me hearties! The fearsome Captain Renee is here to puncture yer gizzards and feed ya to the sharks! Ya landlubbin' scallywags have no chance avertin' the indomitable spirit of this malicious marauder!

Jo: Swashbuckling action? That's certainly something new.

Stan: But it's surely something we can beat.

Kayla: But that where ye be wrong, me bucko. The way of pirates far surpasses yer fanciful Star Wars any day o' the week! Now say ye prayers and be ready to embrace Davy Jones as yer master, for I will cut ye down to pulp with me swift blade! (Draws sword) To the plank with thee! Yaar!

("He's A Pirate" plays as she leaps at the Jedi and unleashes choreographed swordplay which all pirates share. The Jedi bare their sabers of light and engage in the intense fencing session. Kayla uses her shortness to her advantage by sliding between legs and delivering kicks to the rump of whoever lets her do this. However, she is eventually ganged up on and is about to meet a fatal blow from Jo. But at the last second she grabs a nearby rope and cuts it, and in an instant she's pulled up to the top of a great sailing mast out of harm's way)

Jo: (Dumbfounded) Wha?! Where'd that mast come from?

Kayla: Ya ha ha! One as witty as myself shouldn't need to explain to a bilge rat like yerself! Actions speak louder than words, savvy?

Jo: I'm still confused!

Kayla: Then come up here and express yer discontent to me face like a true ambassador!

(Cope leaps up to her)

Cope: He doesn't have to. I'm the one with the Frequent Flyer Miles.

Anna: Since when?

Kayla: Ye be a flyer, eh? Then I'll clip yer wings, ya sorry sod of a mod!

Cope: Huh?

(Kayla attacks and Cope reacts in kind. The two cross blades atop the mast, taking turns pushing each other to the mast's edges. Soon Kayla gets cornered, but quickly she jumps off and rams her sword into the sail, giving her a quick and safe trip down. But once on the ground Stan comes running at her with a mean look)

Stan: It's pay back time, she-devil!

(Kayla makes an irate look and raises a hand. All of a sudden a cast-iron cannon rises up beneath her and aims at the running Jaa-Ruuk)

Stan: Oh S**t!

(He screeches to a halt before the cannon, and bends over backward to narrowly avoid a cannonball. He straightens up and sighs in relief, only for Kayla to draw a pistol and fire a cork right into his schnoz, sending him spinning back with ridiculous force. Kayla reaps the cruel pleasure of such humiliation before flying over to Squishy with sword held high)

Squishy: Wait! I call parley!

Kayla: (Stops) Huh? How does a wee wet willy such as yerself know of parley?

Squishy: Uhhh, I heard it from somewhere, or was it mentioned in a previous trilogy? I forget.

Kayla: Curses. Though ye be the greatest thorn, ye still mention one of the very few honored pirate codes, and grudgingly I shall comply with yer call to negotiate.

Squishy: Really? Awesome!

Kayla: Yes yes. But before terms can be discussed, please fill out this form. It's needed to decide on how your negotiation meal will be prepared. (Hands over sushi menu)

Squishy: Food? Now this is my kind of negotiation session! (Takes form and pencil) Let's see, that that that and that. (Hands back completed form)

Kayla: Stellar choice. Now, for the first course!

(Takes a swig from a flask and spits it all over Squishy, then throws a lit match on him, setting him ablaze)

Squishy: AH HOLY CRAP I'M ON FIRE WHAT THE HECK OH MY GOD!

Kayla: (Maniacal laughter) Gullible gull! I would never negotiate with the likes of ye! You know nothing of parley, so instead I thought I'd let you decide yer mode of execution. And as you have chosen flambé, for your parley I will cook you with barley! (Tosses barley grains at the roasting Jawa)

Squishy: OH SWEET LORD THAT RHYME WAS DUMB AIEG! THE GRAINS ARE SCRATCHING MY EYES OH THE FLAVA-FLAV!

(Falls to ground and loses flames. The other Jedi rush at Kayla)

Kayla: Stay back ye barnacles! I have pointy objects!

(Reaches into clothes and throws out a great shower of spiky caltrops that covers an area of fifty feet. When Jo and Anna try running through they jump back, wailing and holding their footsies)

Jo: YEOW that smarts!

Anna: Agh me corns me corns!

Sally: What are those things?

Kayla: These, little Miss Dino, are caltrops: the worst nightmare of any sea scourge that dare board a ship by force. These bits of metal tear feet asunder for anyone barefoot or lightly-soled, and while ten be manageable, there's well over a hundred lying before me, making me unreachable Yar Har!

Cope: Darn it, she has us good there!

Anna: Freakin' Republic budget could only afford us thin-soled slipper shoes dag-nabbit! Of all days for me to think wearing boots would be unnecessary.

Sylvia: I don't think they would've made a difference. They look sharp enough to pierce my scales.

Will: Heh, doubt they're sharp enough for these bad boys. (Indicates his own pair of slick, steel-toed boots)

Kayla: Gasp! Heavy footwear?! Only the most prepared of boarders would wear such protection! Be ye a privateer at heart like meself?

Will: No, but I was a soldier once: boots on the ground, fast and hard.

(Will runs across the spike field unaffected. Upon reaching Kayla he readies for a devastating heel stomp, yet when he releases it Kayla has zipped off to another spot, where she adopts an immensely sad, pitiful face, completely dropping the pirate act)

Kayla: You were actually going to heel stomp me? Me, a completely helpless little girl who was just playing pirate? What did I ever do to make you want to hurt me like that? For someone to hold that much resentment; I don't know what I did to you to deserve that. (Cries pitifully)

Sylvia: (Wiping eyes with hankie) Oh the poor thing, being bullied like that.

Jo: I never would have thought someone would have so much hate towards someone so small and innocent.

Sara: William! How could you be so horribly insensitive?

Sally: You're being a very bad man, Will! Explain yourself!

Jedi: Yeah! Explain yourself!

Public Opinion: :C

Will: What, what's your guys' deal? Have you forgotten we're fighting for our lives here? She freakin' set Squishy on fire and literally busted my nuts! My nuts, Sara!

Anna: You should still apologize for behaving so brutishly toward her.

Will: What? Are you insane?

Jedi: Apologize, Will!

Public Opinion: :C

Will: Okay fine sheesh! Goll-lee everyone's so dang sensitive these days. (To Kayla) Hey, sorry about trying to smash you into the ground with my boot and all. I didn't mean it. (Looks back to see the others holding up a sign reading "More!") Sigh. And if there's anything I can do to make it up, please tell me.

Kayla: Well, in that case, if you could do me a solid and stay distracted—

(Zips forward and delivers a flying fist to Will's cheek, sending him soaring through a Random Newspaper Stand for effect. Kayla stands proud, holding and waving a paper fan while laughing mockingly)

Kayla: Would you believe I'm as good a sweet-talker as I am a sweet killer? Boy you people are such saps!

Jo: Gasp! She tricked us?!

Sylvia: How dare she!

Kazuhira Miller: She played us like a d*** _**FIDDLE**_!

Will: And she played my face like a d*** bulldozer. Ouch. (Now you know how I feel)

Kayla: With that out of the way, I'm ready to kill you now.

Stan: Fat chance, bich!

Kayla: En garde ye leprous dogs!

(The fencing resumes between her and the Jedi. Meanwhile, Squishy rises from his fall and shakes off some ash. Static comes into his head again)

Cont: Man, that chihuahua is crazy vicious. Mmm, do I smell burnt hickory with a hint of barley?

Squishy: Urgh, Contractor? You're back on?

Cont: Indeed I am, and excellent work in toppling Henry all by yourself. I was sorta worried you wouldn't get the clue, but you still managed to jazz his a**.

Squishy: Yeah, but it didn't do anything regarding his girl.

Cont: Uh-huh. I've seen her fight, and to be honest I didn't think she'd be so formidable, and so deceptive with her cuteness.

Squishy: How long have you been watching, exactly?

Cont: Long enough to know you're up s**t creek at this stage. I'm embarrassed to say this, but my understanding of the pirate ways is absolutely nil, so right off the bat I can't get you out of your bind.

Squishy: Then what are we supposed to do?

Cont: Have no fear! I swiped a grad student's computer and have been looking up information pertinent to your situation, which I will upload now.

(Printer noise within Squishy's head)

Cont: That should be more than enough data for you to sift through. Good luck. (Signs off)

Squishy: (In thoughts) Dang! That's a load of data he just uploaded! So many black letters… getting eye strain! Increase font! Now sift through stuff I know… delete this… Hold on! I may be onto something!

(Runs over to sidelines of fight)

Squishy: Kayla! (She looks over. He pulls out a top) The top I hold here contains a great spirit waiting to break free. It is a spirit that can destroy you, so I will release it! Spirit of the Spin, I Summon You! (Releases top so it spins wildly)

Kayla: WTF? You don't know anything about Beyblade! No one does!

Squishy: True, but I _do_ know it's the ideal McGuffin for summoning the one great adversary NO pirate can withstand!

(The top explodes into smoke, and out of the smoke there is... An English Professor from a prestigious Catholic boarding school)

Kayla: Yar-HUUH?!

All: GASP!

Nun: Young lady, you have been butchering the King's English with your high-seas jargon for far too long! To desecrate his Lordship's tongue is to a sin against God, and for that you must pay the penalty! (Holds up a freakin' huge paddle)

Kayla: Ye've got to be jostlin' me!

Nun: That will be enough out of you. Now come here and repent!

(The nun gives chase, brandishing the paddle as Kayla runs away squealing. The chase goes on for a bit, yet Kayla's little legs are no match for the holy wrath within the nun's thighs. Eventually the nun snags Kayla's bandanna and holds her off the ground while she kicks her legs helplessly)

Kayla: AHH! Put me down! Put me down or I'll keel haul ye!

Nun: Be still so that I may beat the devil from your vernacular! Slang Satan, Begone!

(Whacks Kayla hard on the rump with the paddle, sending her flying)

**Divine**

**Corporal**

**Punishment!**

(Kayla lands and skids face down along the ground before stopping and remaining still. The nun has disappeared. Kayla gets back up looking pissed)

Kayla: How, what, how, How Did Any Of That Make Sense?! A Nun?! What The H**l Are You People Smoking GOD Me Hindquarters Sting!

Jo: You've really pissed her off, Squish.

Cope: Was that really worth it?

Squishy: Uh, well, I thought it'd make her explode or something. Weird stuff like that has worked before.

Kayla: Ooooooooooooooo, Your Stupidity Has Pushed Me Too Far! I Was Just Being Merciful As A Pirate But Your Bat S**t Self Ruined All That! Now You Have To Answer To My ULTIMATE FORM!

Rick: That can't be good.

Will: Shucks, I was starting to get into the whole pirate thing.

Kayla: Well It Ain't Happenin' Cuz Mr. Sandget Over There Ruined It!

Jedi: (To Squishy) Hisssssss!

Kayla: And You! Describer Guy! Act Professional For Once And Introduce Me Right, And With FEELING!

(Fine fine I'll do it just don't hit me anymore! Right, now I get serious. Cue the J-Rock!)

_Ready Steady Can't Hold Me Back..._

_Ready Steady Give Me Good Luck..._

_Ready Steady Never Look Back..._

_Let's Get Started_

_**Ready Steady GOOO!**_

(A circle of light rises up and covers Kayla as L'Arc-en-Ciel rocks on. When the musical intro ends the light disperses to reveal Kayla wearing black pants and shirt, a red open coat with a symbol on the back, white gloves, and has her hair in a pony tail)

Kayla: (Pose) Viewtiful FMA Henshin!

Jedi: Awesome…

Anna: Sweet transformation…..

Kayla: I hold within me the strength of Edward Elric, and with it all the powers of alchemy in the Full Metal Alchemist universe: a universe that harbors greater significance than this sloppy, random-a** dump. You Dogs of the Republic have no hope whatsoever of surpassing my awesome combat and alchemy skills, for I have taken the form of that which never dies: The Main Character!

Will: Uhhhh, you mean the main character of the anime?

Kayla: Well duh, obviously! That's who I'm dressed as; you gotta be some idiot not to recognize this iconic outfit!

Will: But… the main character is a guy.

Cope: Yeah. What you have there is merely genderbent cosplay.

Squishy: Plus, me and Sylvia haven't died so far, which makes us the true Main Characters here by your logic.

Sally: Yea! Mom and Dad are unkillable!

Kayla: HA! The purpose of alchemy is to make the impossible possible, and I shall prove it by murdering _every one_ of you into mulch!

(Leaps at group arms a-swingin'. Everyone spreads out as Kayla throws in some wide punches and boot kicks. But soon enough Will ignites his saber and leaps at her, but she claps her hands and palms the ground, erecting a tall stone wall that the warrior slams into)

Kayla: Can the Force do anything like that? Didn't think so!

(She continues her physical assault and makes more walls to defend herself, however at one point Cope drops down from above with saber ready to slice)

Kayla: Now things get interesting.

(Claps hands and her right arm becomes a steel blade which she uses to deflect Cope)

Cope: She transformed her arm? How's that possible?!

Kayla: It's like I said: alchemy makes the impossible possible. With the right switching of elements and minerals, even the human body can be turned into something as deadly as a bomb. Since I'm representing Ed, metal is my expertise, with an emphasis on cutlery!

Sally: Wow. So with alchemy anyone can turn their arm into a sword?

Kayla: No; you need a robot arm for that, but I'm a killer so who cares. Now taste my steel!

(She resumes her physical attacks, this time with her sword arm added to the mix. She manages to kick down Rick, who rolls away before being chopped by an axe)

Rick: What the heck?

Kayla: Stupids! I can change my arm at will. That way I'll be able to mix and match up your methods of death! That's what makes me even sweeter: Variety!

(She goes on her rampage again. Now her arm changes into many different sharp objects, such as knives, clippers, spatula and even a stapler. After failing to whack Squishy with a mallet, Stan leaps at her yelling. In an instant she changes her arm into a metal bat and hits Stan square in the head)

Stan: Not AGAAAAAIN!

Announcer: And he's going, going, going aaaaand he's outta here! He is long gone, folks! Kayla has won the world series! But wait a second, he's coming back. By Jove, he's wearing a bungie cord!

Kayla: What?!

Announcer: My previous statement has been rendered null and void: Kayla hasn't won the series!

Kayla: That's bull! I demand overtime! Overtime!

(At that several Jedi leap at her. With a quick clap her hand becomes an egg beater, and the various sabers get caught in its tines. With a quick twist all the sabers are pulled from their wielders' hands. With that distraction Kayla leaps at Squishy and rams the beater in his face)

Kayla: Hi-Setting!

(Squishy spins around madly as the beater whirs until he comes loose and flies away. The beater sputters and Kayla smacks it)

Kayla: Curses, it's jammed!

(Jo makes a run at her, but she sticks out her left gloved hand)

Kayla: Buuuuurn!

(Snaps her fingers. A fire blast erupts before Jo, singing some of his robe and knocking him back)

Jo: Where'd that come from?!

Kayla: It should be noted that I'm also a mega Mustang fangirl. Cower at the might of the Flame Alchemist!

(Goes on snapping repeatedly, making everyone run helter-skelter from the explosions. Will runs up to Sara and shoves his hand down her robe)

Sara: Will, what do you think you're doing? There's people here!

Will: I'm not looking for that, I'm looking for this.

(Pulls out a hand mirror and holds it up. A fire burst hits the mirror, bouncing it back at Kayla. She brings up her metal arm to absorb the blast, and when the smoke clears both her arms are normal, yet her hair and clothes are slightly darkened)

Kayla: Nooooooooo, my costume's all burnt. I spent hours sewing this thing! Then again, the frizzled hair makes me look even cuter.

Anna: I want that hairstyle!

Stan: Get her!

(They rush her. Kayla sticks out her hand and summons up a spear, with which she tosses at the group, forcing them to duck)

Kayla: You people are too weird! Just lay down and die! (Summons a lance and tosses that) Die Die Die Die Die Die Die Die Die!

(She tosses out a storm of various objects at rapid pace. At first it's weapons, but then the air gets cluttered with garden tools, cosmetics, silverware, furniture, cooking tools and even a few types of sinks.)

Kayla: I'm done screwing around! I will now crush you with my most devastating combat style!

(She claps her hands, and her arms become wrapped in light before converting into a red, hard and sticky material)

Kayla: You're in for it now, fools! My arms have been coated in a sweet, sugary, indestructible substance that doubles both my strength and speed. Packed with so much delight, you're all guaranteed to die with a smile, which is what makes me the sweetest sweet killer around!

Squishy: If anything, I'd say that officially makes you Arm Candy. Henry's to be exact.

Guys: Guffaw guffaw guffaw guffaw!

Kayla: Shut up! I'm gonna dislocate that sorry jaw of yours with an explosion of yumminess!

(Kayla swings her candy-coated arms widely and wildly at an increasing pace. At some point Sara gets knocked down)

Sara: Oww! I broke a nail!

Kayla: Oh my goodness, really?

Sara: Yeah. Ahhh, it stings a little. Oh my precious nail...

Kayla: Oh no I'm so sorry I didn't mean to hurt you like that. Here, let me look at that. (She goes over to Sara, who gives a nodding/winking signal to the others)

Jo: Ah! She's distracted!

Cope: Somebody do something!

(Will looks around and lays eyes on Squishy. He grabs him)

Squishy: What the hey—?!

(Will holds him up in a Hail Mary pose)

Will: I dedicate this throw to Sam Jackson. Wish you were here, man.

(Tosses Squishy with a great umph. Back to the injured)

Kayla: There we go. All better.

(Gets walloped by the improvised Jawa football, resulting in her flying a ways before crashing. Squishy gets up in a daze just as the others come up to the two)

Jo: That was a close one. Good thinkin', Will.

Will: Yeah. Sara, you did a great job pretending to be hurt like that.

Sara: Pretend nothing; I actually broke a nail. I was surprised she'd be concerned about me, but then I thought since she'd been deceiving us a bunch that I'd do one for her.

Sylvia: I guess she does have a feminine side, showing empathy over a broken nail.

Anna: Who wouldn't? Those hurt like a b****.

Sally: And it looks like we finally defeated her!

(Indeed they did. The malicious sweetie-turned-alchemist is nothing more than a tiny, helpless, unconscious lump for all to—[Face punched] Ooh, that actually tasted pretty good. Still hurts)

Kayla: Never… I can't, let you losers… defeat me. Never. Not over….. my dead body.

Cope: What? She's still going?

Sylvia: She really has the fortitude of a god.

Kayla: Exactly. I can't let you freaks… continue… living! (Stands back up)

Jo: What is your freakin' deal, lady?

Squishy: Why are you so hostile towards us?

Sara: What is it about us that makes you want to kill us so badly?

Kayla: It's because it's all STUPID! This place is stupid, you guys are stupid, the Contractor's stupid, everything here is just so STUPID! There's no relevance whatsoever in this crap you call "fiction"! Any single anime out there has more purpose in existing than this garbage! Everything written here isn't even worth the disc space it's saved to! Plus you have been unfair to Henry this whole time, never letting him appear once in so many trilogies! He'd probably never wanna be in this pitiful sham of storytelling, but he would've still appreciated an invite!

Jo: You're all pissed cuz we've never had Henry around?

Rick: Seems the grudge is shared deeply between lovers.

Kayla: Lovers? Psah! We're not lovers: just the dandiest couple ever. And after fighting you losers I've realized how important Henry really is to me. No battle feels the same without him by my side, protecting me, fighting with me, sharing the same laughs with me. So now I'm gonna get back with my man and show you just how strong our shared love makes us!

(Leaps over to still-fetal Henry)

Kayla: Nap time's over, Henry! Rise and shine already!

Henry: Ughh…. (Slowly gets up, now back in his original attire) It's cool. I'm back in the game.

Kayla: Oh Henry it was terrible! Those Jedi you hate so much went and beat me up! Boo hoo hoo hoo.

Henry: What!? They dare to hit a girl? MY girl? They won't get away with this, I promise you, dear!

Stan: He actually bought that junk?!

Sylvia: Affection does some crazy things, son.

Squishy: Yeah, just look at me and your mother.

Cope: Your words not mine, for once.

Kayla: But wait hon, these meanies are a lot tougher than they look. I say we combine our powers.

Henry: You think that's necessary?

Kayla: Yes it is! These bullies don't believe how true to each other you and I are. We should show them how powerful our bond really is. Also, Squishy over there called you a hick.

Squishy: Huh!?

Henry: He did?! Why that no good big-headed junk-obsessing midget! You're right, darlin'! These discourteous rogues need to be put in their places with the power of our love fusion! They must behold our passion first hand!

Kayla: That's the spirit!

Henry: We'll make things extra spicy for these fools! I'll lead, Kayla.

Kayla: Affirmative my Adonis!

(They do a ritual)

Both: Fuuuuuusion, HAA!

(They do a DBZ-style fusion despite their hilarious discrepancy in sizes)

_Through their tricky technique the deities Kayla and Henry fused into the most powerful, sexually-fueled being in all creation:_

**Gene Simmons!**

(In a poof of fiery smoke there struts in the hard-rockin' musician in his signature Demon outfit)

Jedi: NO F**KING WAY!

Gene Simmons: How's it goin', boys and girls! Are you ready to step into the Psycho Circus?

Anna: Okay, that's enough tomfoolery. I'm ending things here. (Begins charging Force Lightning)

Gene Simmons: Oh don't be like that, sweet thing. After all…

_I was made for lovin' you, baby!_

_You were made for lo-vin' meeeee!_

_And I can't get enough of you, baby!_

_Can you get enough of meeeeee!_

(Anna shoots out her bolt of lightning, but the moment Gene starts singing his vocals create an auditory barrier that halts the electricity, then quickly pushes back and dissipates it. A heady, vibrating atmosphere descends on the group as the Demon belts out his song)

Cope: What in the heckle?

Squishy: His vocals are too powerful!

Sara: His voice is so… sensual. I feel so… drawn towards it...

Anna: Stoicism… eroding… attraction… growing...

(Suddenly Anna, Sara and Sally throw themselves at Gene Simmons' feet)

Sally: What a hunkin' Demon of a man!

Will: Sara! Fight it!

Sara: It's just too much, Will! He lights my Heaven on fire!

Anna: Even I cannot deny him, and I don't even listen to KISS!

(As if to prove this point, Sylvia joins the three)

Squishy: Sylvia NO!

Sylvia: I'm sorry, my love, but he's too irresistible.

Sally: We can share him together, mom. Think of it as our special bonding moment.

Rick: Not happening.

(Rick draws his saber and dashes for Gene, unaffected by the sound of his voice or the draw of his words. But Gene is ready for him, stopping his singing to pull back and breathe out a large ball of flame that catches Rick's front. The Jaa-Ruuk leaps back to pat at his robes, but after snuffing the flames he brings up his saber in time to stop a blow from Gene's signature axe guitar. Gene cleaves and swings repeatedly down on Rick, being blocked at every blow before Gene raises one leg high and delivers a powerful kick to Rick's midsection, sending him sliding back. By then the ladies have snapped out from their trance and all charge the frontman, delivering their own saber slashes that get blocked and parried by the formidable axe. Gene then performs a powerful spinning slash that throws back the four, and once clear he lets out a mighty riff and flexes his tongue)

Gene Simmons: Get up!

("Detroit Rock City" starts playing as a slew of muscle cars spring into existence and rev all over the place, forcing the Jedi to jump and spin around for their safety, all while Gene rocks on to the music. Squishy tries playing Frogger in-between speeding vehicles, but a Coupe de Ville blindsides him and sends him spinning upwards. Cope tries fending off cars with his saber but only succeeds in slicing off headlights and sideview mirrors. Will, however, is able to catch onto one car and yank himself into the driver seat, finding it completely unoccupied. He takes control, shifting gears and hitting the gas before turning the wheel hard, spinning a donut before straightening it out. As he's driving along, Squishy lands in the passenger seat, and after the two Jedi regard each other they firmly nod and face forward, Will punching the gas for Gene while Squishy dons a pair of shades. As the car roars for him, Gene twists about and leaps into the air just before impact, raising his axe to slice the vehicle clean down the middle so that the two halves go past him. The Jedi bail out, and following an explosion all the other cars disappear. Gene turns to face the Jedi, raising the horns)

Gene Simmons: Yeow! I see you dudes trying to make me lose my swagger. But I'll be the one to make you Strutter!

(Gene widens his mouth and shoots out his tongue like a harpoon, unrolling like an endless fire hose. It winds its way around the Jedi's legs, and once it passes all of them it constricts, snaring everyone's ankles before hoisting them up high into the air so that they're left dangling upside down)

Will: This certainly wasn't where I thought my day would take me.

Gene Simmons: Aw yeah! Now we can rock n' roll all night and party everyday!

Anna: Is he just gonna keep reciting lyrics to his own songs?

Sara: I'm impressed he's still able to speak clearly.

(Rick tries slashing at the part of tongue holding him, but it undulates out of reach)

Rick: I can't reach it. Gaaah, so frickin' annoying.

Sylvia: There has to be some way to get free.

Cope: Don't you go thinking of cutting off your own leg, Stan! It's not worth it!

Stan: Why would I ever want to do that?

Jo: Wait! I might have something that can help! (Digs into robes, pulls out an aerosol can) Ready Hair Shine & Chrome Polish. Not to be ingested. This oughta get a reaction. (Readies spray)

Gene Simmons: Oh no you don't!

(He waggles his tongue to furiously shake Jo and make him lose his grip on the spray. The can flies in an arc, passing over Rick and Cope, slips past Squishy's grabby mitts and Anna's reach, but Sally whips her tail and smacks it into the hands of Sara)

Cope: Use it!

(Sara immediately sprays, causing the tongue section holding her to get irritated and loosen. She slips out and hits the ground flat, and picking herself up she spots every 80s rockstar's greatest weakness lying close by: A Random Bag of Cocaine. Quickly she snatches it and tosses it at the inappropriate tongue wrangler. In slow motion we watch the bag spin through the air before colliding full-on with Gene's face, exploding in a cloud of sugary powder)

Gene Simmons: But I was cleeeeeeeean!

(He's knocked off his feet and falls to the ground like a lump. The music stops and his tongue retracts like a tape ruler, freeing the Jedi and letting them fall back down to their feet)

Stan: Yes! We're free!

Cope: Good thinking with your tail, Sal.

Sally: Well I don't get to use it too often when it comes to fighting. It's nice mixing things up.

Will: Lucky for us there happened to be cocaine lying around, and that it's proving to be quite effective.

(Show Gene Simmons twitching and snorting wildly on the ground. Meanwhile, static fills Squishy's head again)

Cont: Great work; the Demon is down! He's now open for the finishing blow.

Squishy: Really? That easily?

Cont: What can I say: cocaine is a h*** of a drug. Especially if you're new to it. But that high won't last long, so you better finish him quick.

Squishy: How, though?

Cont: He's pretty much open to every finisher imaginable at this point. I'll let you have the honor of deciding how this ends.

Squishy: Ah gosh, really?

Cont: Yeah. Now hurry up already. (Signs out)

Squishy: Okay. Hmmmmmm. There's just so many choices. I honestly don't know which to pick. (Points at camera) America, You Decide!

(Confetti goes off everywhere as the American Idol theme plays)

_Thaaat's right! You, the audience, will choose how the one and only Gene Simmons will be executed, to occur in the one place where anything and everything goes: The Steve Warz Series!_

Squishy: It's all very simple, folks: Just text your request to "defascamnumber" using your cellular devices. We'll separate and tally the requests we receive, and whichever we receive the most of will be carried out live for your viewing pleasure. An important note: _any_ request is acceptable. No matter how devious and twisted a method your sick little minds devise, it's all free game here! While voting takes place, please enjoy this commercial for an entirely unrelated story. Squishy out!

* * *

_In a world that has traded hope and friendship for darkness…_

"Darkness is the natural order. Light is a wandering dream—why do they abandon me?"

_Where cruelty and indifference have become commonplace…_

"Why're you here, Fetcher?"

"I could tear you asunder like a cockroach, but that wouldn't be satisfying for either of us."

_A young warrior will preserve his master's twisted order…_

"Go forth, my most valiant Vanguard. May my blessing protect you from danger, and may justice be delivered swiftly in the name of Equestria."

_Even at the cost of his own soul…_

"You… are a traitor to your species, Fetcher."

"Doing precisely what your precious princess told you. Just like the eternally loyal _dog _that you are."

"I'm no dog. I'm a dragon."

**DEATH BY DRAGON**

_Available in its entirety on_

_FiMFiction dot net  
_

"I hope you're prepared for the consequences."

* * *

Squishy: And we're back. Hopefully you all voted because the lines are officially closed. We've tallied the results and have ourselves a winner. And to present the chosen method of execution, please welcome our special guest executors: Master and Crazy Hand from Super Smash Bros!

(Two huge white-gloved hands pop onto the scene, one of them twitchier than the other. They wave to the round of applause before floating over to Gene Simmons as he's getting up, wiping powder and blood from his face. Once in position, the two hands give okay signs)

Squishy: They are ready to perform. Drum roll, please.

(Drum roll plays as the two hands flex their fingers and crack each others knuckles. Then they reach down for Gene's chest and grip his nipples. He looks downward shocked, then up at the hands as they ready to move. But as they're about to twist, the whole screen goes censored)

Gene Simmons: (Hideous scrunching noise) KEEEAIIIGGGGGGGGHHHHH!

(Screen returns to normal. Gene is writhing on the ground with both his arms braced hard against his chest)

**Deep Nurple-tration!**

Gene Simmons: YAAAAAAH! Somebody call Dr. Love cuz this pain is unbearable! Why would you do _this_ to me? WHYYYY?!

Squishy: Ohhhh, talk about a fitting twist! And there you have it: Henry and Kayla's great demise! Thanks again, audience!

Sara: Who are you talking to, Squishy?

Jo: And where'd those giant hands go?

(The suffering Gene begins spiraling toward a forming wormhole while still in the throes of agony)

Gene Simmons: I can't get done in like this! The votes were rigged! They were Rigged!

Anna: Quit yer b***hin' and get yourself cleaned up ya sex maniac!

Sally: (Waving) See ya later!

Gene Simmons: Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaame! (Pops into nothingness)

Will: Whew. Is it finally over?

Cope: I believe so. I don't know how exactly, but once more we stand victorious.

Stan: Gooooooo Us!

Rick: That was one tough, bizarre battle. That Kayla was certainly something, but that Henry guy... (Shakes head) Didn't strike me as a Contractor sort in the slightest.

Sally: Huh. I guess that was Kayla's power I was feeling earlier. Either way, we still won!

Sylvia: But what do we do from here?

Jo: I believe we need to get back to that dragon and bust it open. Once everyone's out, we can put Contractor to work in fixing up every—

**NOOO!**

(A great black cloud of putrid anger erupts into existence, causing all reality to quake. Within the cloud are a pair of flaring eyes)

Squishy: WHOA!

Jo: What the—?!

**You ARE NOT getting rid of me LIKE THAT! Far too long you have been living your lives like a game. NOW is the time I show you what REAL, SERIOUS storytelling Is All ABOUT!**

(A powerful wind burst hits the bewildered Jedi and draws them into the cloud. They yell whilst spinning ever deeper into the hate cloud until everything goes black)

…_Umm…_

_This is… certainly different._

_Yeah, it appears that our characters have been sucked completely out of the story. In fact, they've been taken to a whole other story entirely. Hold on, I believe this is the link to it: ___archiveofourown dot org_ /works/22984156/chapters/54948604_

_Very weird, and I hope things get resolved quickly so they come back. Otherwise... this story might not get a proper ending._

_Regardless, thanks for reading. And, uh, good luck._


	24. Returned

(A powerful, colorful explosion blooms up the previously empty space, and to the blare of "Paladin" from Final Fantasy IV our weary crew of Jedi spring back onto the scene)

Stan: Are, are we back?

Rick: Our names not being bold is a pretty good sign.

Cope: Not to mention the triumphant fanfare.

Sally: Yes, we're back in our universe! Woohoo!

Squishy: I missed this familiar, out-dated, crowded feeling. So cozy.

Jo: I dunno. That last place felt a lot more spacious. I mean if Henry could get to yell _that_ loudly over there, who knows what else could've been possible.

Anna: Best not dwell on it. Home is home, and I am sooo done with all that's happened this past week.

(Nearby, a groggy Contractor sits up)

Cont: Ugh, why do I feel like a landfill of dump trucks had been dropped on me?

Sally: Hey, Contractor made it, too!

Will: Welcome to the land of the living!

Anna: How's this for a laugh: we saved your a** for once. And hey, the asterisks are back where they should be.

Borat: Good times. (Thumbs up)

Cont: Bwuh? Wait… oh man, I seriously got possessed by Henry. And by the feel of it you did a real number on both him and me. Gaaaawd so embarrassing, letting that happen.

Stan: But we got you back, so don't feel too bad.

Rick: I would have done more in the final beatdown if I'd known you'd be feeling it afterwards. Heheheh.

Sylvia: You can consider this our way of repaying you for helping us in saving Squishy, Contractor.

Squishy: Oh yeah. That means you can't expect any favors from us now. Good call, honey.

Cont: Uggghhh. My head and most everything hurts. I need a nap.

Jo: Like heck you're gonna be nappin' on us! You still have a universe to fix, ya bald buster.

Squishy: That was the agreement, Contractor.

Anna: As I'm feeling tired myself, I'll save you the extra earful I had planned if you fix everything right now.

Cont: Well with that kind of offer, how can I refuse? (Shakes head and gets up) Not like I was going to welsh on an agreement or let things stay messy, anyway. Just need a quick pick-me-up first.

(He pulls out and downs a can of Barq's root beer, and instantly his eyes flare with renewed energy. He dashes offscreen momentarily, then returns holding hammer, saw, wrench, 2-by-4s, plywood sheets, rulers, and nails in his teeth)

Cont: I'm back in the game, baby! But before I get everything all spic-and-span, there's still the dragon matter to take care of.

(With a lift of a leg he dashes offscreen again, followed shortly by a cacophony of construction noises. Seconds later we turn to Contractor wiping his hands before his newly built creation: A giant device that's practically a rip-off of a Stargate)

Cont: Voila! One interdimensional transporter/problem-fixer to the rescue! (He turns around to face the gargantuan assemblage of galactic civilians and dragons that has suddenly appeared) To explain the details, here's an expert. (Snaps fingers, and Ackbar's reliable tech officer poofs to Contractor's side) Get crackin'.

Tech. Off: Oh yes, alright. Uh-hum. This transdimensional teleporter has been designed with recognition technology that can redirect its pathway matrix based on an individual traveler's point of origin. In other words, this portal will send every single dragon back to their respective universes with zero complication and maximum comfort. (Contractor nudges him) Oh, and considering that the child of Caim and Angelus is technically a native-born citizen of the Republic, they are permitted to remain in this dimension if they so choose.

Cont: Because let's face it: Their universe sucks. But the rest of you dragons gotta go, so every one of you scaly winged beasties line up in an orderly fashion so you can all go home. Chop chop let's get it moving, ándele ándele, mach schnell mach schnell!

(Some minutes later there is a very long winding queue of dragons patiently waiting as they step through the portal one by one. On the sidelines near the portal the Jedi look on as the former scourges of the galaxy quietly make their departures. Gray the Dragon Slayer approaches them)

Gray: Hullo, Jedi!

Jedi: Hey Gray!

Gray: Seems you were able to solve whatever was going on with that giant dragon. Too bad I was too out of it to see you slay it.

Will: Eh, there wasn't much to it.

Squishy: Plus it got super weird super fast. You might not have been able to handle it.

Gray: Ha! I've seen plenty weird things on this trip.

Anna: Nothing on the scale we saw, I guarantee it.

Sally: Are you excited to be heading back home, Gray?

Gray: Oh yeah! This galaxy of yours is amazing and all, but it's a little too big for an old guy like me. I miss the random encounters with good ol' generic dragons back on Belkhyde. That said, it won't be as strange and fun as when I fought with you guys.

Jo: We're gonna miss you too, Gray.

Cope: Prowess like yours is sorely lacking in the Council, plus the extra muscle was nice while it lasted.

Sara: And you were fun to talk with.

Gray: I appreciate the sentiments, but I got a home and a reputation to return to all the same. At least I have a souvenir to remember this adventure. (Pulls out dragon tongue)

Sally: You're still carrying that thing?

Gray: Yep. I know a certain young alchemist who can whip this up into something useful. That's another good thing about my world: just about any seemingly useless item can be remade into something worthwhile. If you have the proper skill, that is.

Anna: Suuure. Good luck with that, then.

Gray: It was great meeting all of you, and you should come by my neck of the multiverse sometime. I can show you the best that Belkhyde has to offer.

Sara: Until that time (if ever), bon voyage!

Jedi: Byeee~!

Gray: Stay tough everyone, especially you, Stan. So long!

(Goes into the portal. Now the scholar Lann comes over, accompanied by the black-scaled dragon Shruikan)

Jo: You again…

Lann: Buck up, Joey. You should be insanely happy about me leaving.

Stan: Leaving?

Sara: You're leaving us, Lann?

Squishy: For real?

Lann: I've decided to go with Shruikan back to his home in the Eragon universe along with Saphira. Shruikan's without a rider, and I thought I'd fit the bill nicely. The dragon population there could also use some help, and the fantasy setting is more appealing to my tastes. Though somewhat painful for me to say, it's high time for this sexy scholar to move on to greener pastures.

Sara: Well, if it's what you want, we understand. If your field is all about understanding dragons, you'd definitely want to jump at this chance.

Sally: You have our full support!

Lann: No surprise there. Anyway, as I had said before, it was an über time being with you all. And were this a whole other genre of fiction, I might have gotten to know some of you more "intimately". (Gets looks from group, though Sally blushes) Guess that's still a no-go.

Jo: Just go already!

Lann: Fine, I'm leaving. However, in my absence, I encourage all of you to eat, drink, party, love and propagate to your fullest. Squishy: stay cool little man. And same for Stan, and the rest of you. And Jo: loosen up a little.

Jo: Whatev.

Anna: Have a safe trip, Lann.

_Oh, before we part, I'd like to personally apologize for the way I acted when we first met. I was under extreme duress and incapable of reasonable thought._

Squishy: No worries, Shruikan; Lann gave us the low-down about your situation and we understand.

Lann: See Shruikan? I gotcha covered.

_That's a relief. It's nice having people look out for you for a change._

Lann: Ain't it? Now, let's get us home. (Leaps onto Shruikan's back and looks around) Until my own sidestory, adios Jedi!

Jedi: So long!

(Wave him goodbye as he and his new dragon mount ride off)

Sam Jackson: You just know he's gonna be putting the moves on that or some other dragon eventually.

Anna: Yeah, that's fairly—OH MY GEE! (Hops back before ascertaining the celebrity) Wait, it's just you. How the freak did you sneak up on me?

Sam Jackson: Actors of my caliber are usually multi-talented. Being stealthy is one of my lesser publicized skills.

Jo: Nice to see you, Sam. Everything going fine with you?

Sam Jackson: Most certainly: got to have my little sabbatical, and now I'm all freshened up and ready for departure. Just thought I'd swing by and say my farewells first.

Sylvia: So you're going to be leaving too.

Stan: Through the portal?

Sam Jackson: Nope; whatever you guys did has restored my full cameo capabilities. I can pop out of this joint any time I want; no waiting in line for me, heh heh.

Cope: (Mutters) Another one of those inalienable celebrity rights, I suspect.

Squishy: Hey, since you have cameo powers again, will you be able to come back some other time?

Sam Jackson: Not any time soon, little guy. I've had more than my fill of this f***ed-up place to last most anyone a lifetime. Maybe waaaay down the line, but I'm more concerned with getting my a** home first. Yo Tiff! Get your b***h-a** over here, we're leaving!

Tiamat: Yes, Kuroi Aniki! (Tiamat tippies over to him)

Sam Jackson: But don't think I'm gonna forget what you guys did for me. After I'm back in L.A., I'll see what I can do about arranging that soiree. If that doesn't pan out, I'll make up something real special in your honors.

Rick: That's very generous of you, Sam.

Sam Jackson: Ain't nothing to it, Rickster.

Rick: Don't call me that.

Sam Jackson: Okay, okay. In the meantime, you all keep being your crazy f**kin' selves and keep things in check here. I don't want to have to see any space monsters rolling up to my pad unannounced.

Sylvia: You'll have nothing to worry about there.

Will: See ya around, Sammy!

Stan: Rock on, man! Rock on!

Sam Jackson: I will, Stan the Man.

Cope: Safe travels.

Anna: Don't go breaking your manservant too soon.

Sam Jackson: Heh heh. Buh-bye, everyone. (Snaps fingers, and both he and Tiamat disappear in puffs of smoke)

Will: This has been one messed up week, ya know that?

Anna: That's what I've been saying.

Cope: I never thought we'd have allies as weird as those three for most of the time.

Squishy: Awesome allies as well.

Will: Definitely.

Sally: Probably the coolest we'll ever have.

Jo: Bah. They're the _only_ ones we've ever had.

Sylvia: Duff was one for a brief moment, right?

Jo: Yeah, for all of a minute.

Sara: And Guy/Gal.

Will: And that Robot Ninja.

Squishy: Don't forget Geek Squadron. They were a big help in trilogy two.

Jo: Okay so they weren't the only ones, but they sure as heck were the longest lasting.

Jedi: Yeah.

(They look over at the dragon line and spot a slender elf making her way down it)

Stan: There's Sentina!

Sally: And she's totally alright. Just like we told you.

Will: And she's also making her way to the portal.

Stan: But, she's going without saying goodbye?

Cope: Probably got caught up in the shuffle with all the rest. Couldn't have had time to do much else.

Stan: To think she's really leaving…

Rick: Go to her.

Stan: Huh?

Rick: Go say goodbye. If she's unable to, then you do it.

Squishy: Yeah, son. Get over there and say whatever you have to.

Sylvia: A quick chat won't hurt.

Stan: Y-Yeah. I will. Be right back!

(Breaks from the group and runs for the line)

Jo: Don't choke, dude! Eye of the Tiger!

(Floating on down the Contractor plants himself amongst the Jedi with a look of mild regret)

Cont: Sigh. Really would've been nice if she stuck around to add another delicious course of scaly interspecies romance to enjoy.

Anna: So why not make her stay? You're the guy in charge!

Cont: I would if I could, but I have no say in the matter. Sentina is from an entirely different dominion, meaning I have no control over her. Whether she stays or not is entirely her decision to make.

Jo: Well that's a dang shame, having things end abruptly like that before it can even get started.

Sally: Maybe he can convince her to stay.

Cont: Maybe. Welp, I'm gonna return to my lofty heights. Check ya later.

(He floats back up as Squishy and Sylvia give each other a somber look before looking back to their fleeing son, hoping for the best but fearing the likely. Stan reaches Sentina as "Map to Tomorrow" from Persona Q begins playing)

Stan: Sentina! Hold on!

Sentina: Stanley? Oh thank goodness you're alright! (Steps out of line)

Stan: Yeah, I can say the same for you. I've been wondering where you were after everything got sucked up.

Sentina: It was the strangest thing yet: I felt myself get sucked into something and then found myself standing on this small asteroid or planet with no one else around. But I felt all calm and felt like sitting down and doing nothing. I didn't see anybody else until I appeared here with everyone.

Stan: Yeah. Me and the gang had to go and take care of this one nutcase to get everything sorta back to normal.

Sentina: Well I'm happy to hear you succeeded, and again it's great seeing you're alright.

Stan: Yeah yeah. And it looks like you're ready to head back to your universe as well.

Sentina: (Meekly) Yes, that's right. Back to where I belong.

Stan: Are you… sure you wouldn't like to stay here a while longer? There's no more big galactic threats to worry about. I, I mean we, can show you around without it being a big, wild, dangerous adventure.

Sentina: I honestly wouldn't mind going on a wild, crazy (but safe) adventure, but… it just wouldn't feel right. I was plucked from home without warning, so my mother is either beside herself or tearing up half the city to know what happened to me. It wouldn't be fair to her if I stayed here longer than necessary and let her and the house staff worry even more. Wondering what happened, and if I'm even okay.

Stan: Yeah. Yeah, kinda of a dumb thing to presume on my part. You have family waiting for you, and it's not like you have any strong attachments to this place. It'd be totally selfish to expect you to stay longer on my behalf.

Sentina: Are you trying to guilt trip me?

Stan: No, not at all! It's like you said: it wouldn't be right to stick around at this point.

Sentina: I'm just teasing you. (Takes Stan's claws) I truly wanted to spend time with you, Stan. I really wanted to get to know more about you, and your friends and family, see all the neat places this galaxy has to offer. And I'd be more than happy to show you my home and my favorite spots if there was a way for you to come back, because I know you wouldn't want to come along without any preparation, either. Basically, I want you to know that I'll have regrets leaving so soon.

Stan: I know. It's… it sucks, but that's just how it is. And I'd definitely love to see what your world is like.

Sentina: Probably not all of it. Most of the area beyond where I live is rife with crime and gang violence.

Stan: That's about how it is on most city worlds here, and things are a blast.

Sentina: Ohhh. Well then. And who knows: maybe someday some kind of portal or doorway or something can spring up and let us visit each other when it's more convenient.

Stan: Hopefully it won't be so long that you forget me.

Sentina: (Squeezes his claws) I'm not going to forget any of this. You can count on it.

Stan: Heh. Thank you.

(Sentina smiles and lets go of his claws, ready to get back in line. But then)

Stan: Wait, Sentina? (She looks around, only to find that he's raised his right claw up to her left cheek) Something to help you remember me by.

(He tilts his head, closes his eyes, leans in and kisses her tenderly. At first stunned, Sentina eases and returns the kiss, closing her eyes in turn. A few seconds in, Sentina's steel-colored wings pop out and hold erect behind her as the two remain engaged. A great symphonic orchestra goes off during the kiss as the Jedi look on. Jo appears rather surprised and impressed, while Cope makes a small grin but is otherwise stonefaced. Will gives a thumbs up, Sally is gushing, Rick nods, and Stan's parents watch both surprised and proud)

Sean Connery: (Wearing sombrero) You're The Man Now Dog!

(The kiss continues as the music flares)

Anna: Is all that really necessary?

(Looks back, where we see the Contractor conducting the Coruscant Metropolitan Orchestra. He halts the music to respond)

Cont: Hey, what better way to score than with a score? Ha HA!

(Resumes conducting, though for not much longer, as the two smoochers inevitably disengage, looking at each other breathlessly while Sentina's wings retract)

Stan: Not the grandest of gestures, but still pretty special.

Sentina: Wow… Immensely bold of you to steal a lady's first kiss like that.

Stan: Was it? It just so happened to be mine as well.

Sentina: Huh. I can only imagine how it would be after some practice.

(Most of the Jedi have gone slack-jawed at that mention)

Will: That was seriously his first kiss?

Jo: Like a frappin' pro.

Cope: Beginner's luck.

Sally: He pulled that off more smoothly than the last half dozen guys I've been with.

Squishy:!

Sally: Ooops. Forgot I wasn't supposed to mention any of that around dad.

Anna: He'll live.

Sentina: Well… Time for me to go.

Stan: Alright. Look after yourself.

Sentina: Same to you, Casanova.

Stan: Until next time, Sentina. No matter how long it will be.

Sentina: I'll look forward to it. And Stan… (Hugs him) Thank you. For everything.

(They hug a moment before she pulls away and heads for the portal, now being the last dragon left to enter it. Before stepping through, she turns around to take one last look at Stan and the others. To the parting chimes of "Always on My Mind" from Kingdom Hearts, she raises a hand to wave goodbye, then steps through the portal. The machine then shuts down and folds itself into nothingness. Thus, the dragon invasion is brought to a proper close, and the galaxy is at peace once more)

* * *

(Sometime later, in an abandoned studio)

Will: This certainly has been one h**l of a trilogy.

Jo: It sure has. So Contractor, how are you gonna end it?

Cont: Ah, (Hiss noise), dern, I actually don't know.

Cope: You don't have an ending?

Cont: There's just been a lot of stuff going on, and this being my biggest trilogy to date I couldn't stay focused the entire way, so I must've forgotten.

Anna: Meaning this is gonna drag on even longer. Swell.

Sally: Can't you just make up one right now?

Rick: How hard can it be after having written so many before?

Cont: Well I've been bogged down with work and lifestyle arrangements—

Jo: Yeah right. You were just wasting time jerking it and playing video games, I betcha.

Sylvia: And listening to music.

Squishy: And eating.

Cont: What do you know? A writer like me needs his inspiration to function, and his tunes… and his yum-yums.

Sara: Sigh. I'm honestly fine with any kind of ending at this point.

Justin Timberlake: Excuse me? Hello? Who's in charge here?

Will: What's it to ya?

Sally: Omigosh is that—?

Sara: It is: Justin Timberlake!

Girls: Aaaah my God! Squeeee!

Justin T: Yes thank you, thank you ladies, I appreciate the adoration. Really I do. Unfortunately, this isn't a leisure call. I'm here on a matter of important business.

Jo: What kind of business?

Justin T: The incredibly-legal-and-unpleasant-but-has-to-be-done kind. Now, in the first episode of this little trilogy of yours, there is mention of a certain music video called "Scaly Back", am I correct? (Licks lips sexily)

Sally: Yeah: that's the name of my latest single.

Justin T: Mmm, interesting. (Raises eyebrows all suave-like) I hate to be the sexy bearer of bad news, but your single is in clear violation of the copyrights surrounding my oh so wondrous and sensual "Sexy Back" song. Specifically, you done went and plagiarized my hard work, sister. (Poses for photo shoot)

Cope: Seriously?

Sally: But my song sounds nothing like yours. How is that plagiarism?

Justin T: The devil's in the details, sweet thang. By that, I mean merely having a title that sounds similar to one of my songs is enough to get me and my lawyers steamed. Oh! (Does a sexy pose)

Will: What a flippin' crock!

Anna: Man these copyright laws have gotten stupid these past few decades.

Justin T: However, rather than settle this in some lengthy, drawn-out, boring, deprive-me-of-precious-mirror-staring-time court case, I've decided to hire me some muscle to solve this intellectual violation the old-fashion way: Theatrically. (Gets water dumped on him) Come on in, boys!

(Busting through some double doors 50 mean-looking gangstas pile in, ready for a fight)

Balla: Yo, I hear youse guys talk a big game bout yo moves, but we says ya talk is cheaper than dirt. Let's see who moves the illest in a free-for-all Stomp-Off Royale between youse and us.

Justin T: With me as head dancer and vocalist for my siiiiide~!

Jedi: Really?!

Balla: Yup.

(Our fuming heroes look toward their smug-faced creator)

Jedi: CONTRACTOR!

Cont: You guys said you were fine with any kind of ending. Fellas?

EBA: Are you ready? 3, 2, 1, GO!

(Blink-182's "First Date" kicks on as the Elite Beat Agents take up the top screen and dance with the credits. On the bottom screen, the Jedi dance off with the gangstas and pull off sweet moves that knock them down one by one. When it's just Justin Timberlake left, he calls upon N'Sync and fuses with them to become a giant Vanilla Ice. Before they fight, a huge Krayt dragon crashes through the EBA and crushes the "rapper", letting out a roar that scares our heroes off. General Chris then slides in and begins dancing with the beast as an X-Ray screen appears over its belly, revealing the chorus line of mutilated soldiers dancing within)

(During the instrumental break we flip through a series of various people dancing: Ackbar and Tech Officer; Duff with subordinates; the news correspondents; and Dennis Miller covered in blood and dancing with bits of John Blubsoe. When the vocals return we see Dr. Phil driving a taxi and yelling at traffic, then we switch over to a verdant meadow where Caim and Angelus are cradling their love child, while the ghosts of Draco and the Wind Drakes look on from above. Then we go over to a cliff overlooking a great lake where Gray the Dragon Slayer stands in meditation. He opens his eyes and looks at the dragon egg in his hand, and producing a smile he leaps off for adventure. Now we turn to an Urgal raiding party chasing civilians through a forest. When the chorus kicks in, Lann leaps from the bushes with a fierce look and starts hacking away. He then pulls back, points a finger and Shruikan appears and unleashes black fire upon the marauders. Lann looks at the camera, winks, smiles and gives a thumbs up)

(We turn to a corridor filled with stray dragons as we go to instrumental again, and we spot Sam Jackson peeking around a corner. He leaps out, bounces along the ground and fires dual pistols, blowing up some barrels at the end of the hall and killing the dragons in a fiery explosion. Now a cast list comes up:

—Jeff Goldblum as Joseph Webbol

—Alan Rickman's Ghost as Alex Copeland

—Brad Pitt as William Handerson

—Angelina Jolie as Sara Maller

—Kathy Bates as Anna Orda

—Jennifer Lopez as Sylvia

—Lindsey Lohan as Sally

—David Spade as Stanley

—Johnny Depp as Richter

—Ron Perlman as Gray

—Chris Farley's Ghost as Lannius Drasec

—And Danny DeVito as Squishy

In:

**Samuel L. Jackson's**

**F**kin' Sweet-A** Dragon Adventure!**

**-with ****Samuel Jackson**** as Himself.**

(At the premier, the celebs walk down the red carpet smiling and waving to the cameras. Sam, however, takes a moment to look back and gives a knowing smile and wink)

(For the final part of the song the camera switches between the Jedi, Gray, Lann, Sam, and Sentina as they dance to the words. With every switch more people have joined their respective sides: the Star Wars crew with the Jedi, the Atelier Iris 2 characters with Gray, the Eragon cast with Lann, celebrities with Sam, and all the dragons with Sentina. Eventually the camera pulls back to reveal all five groups are standing apart from each other in some odd circle which the camera revolves around at growing speed. At the very end everyone raises their hands and the camera pulls up and looks down to reveal that the groups are standing in the formation of a five-pointed star, which solidifies before fading away with the music)

* * *

_And with that, this ludicrously long tale has come to an end. Filled with danger, towering foes, lessons of heart, and self-understanding, it was an excursion never to be forgotten by any of the Jedi. But for now, our heroes shall rest in order to be refreshed for their next grand adventure, which may or may not be as immense as this one—_

**: **Dude! There's brownies in the break room, and even chocolate fondue! Can you say massive delish overload?

_Can I? Woo-HOO!_

(Exits left)

**The End**

**Finally! **

_Till next time, readers..._


End file.
